4.

G ARVEY

“Step into my office, son,” Pop said as he held the screen door open for me to walk past him into his house. “Thanks for coming over.”

“Are you okay?” I asked frantically as I searched his face for any signs of a problem. His skin color was good, and he seemed to be breathing okay, but I wasn’t a doctor. I really had no idea what someone who was having a heart attack actually looked like, if there were even outward signs at all. I grabbed his wrist so I could take his pulse, but he jerked his arm away and walked toward his recliner. “Should I call an ambulance?”

“What the hell would I need an ambulance for?”

“When you called me you said to hurry because your heart was hurting!” I said through gritted teeth.

“It is.”

I ran my hand through my hair in frustration and then let it drop. “Pop, what do you need?”

“Have a seat. I’m going to tell you why my heart hurts.”

I’d known the old man long enough to know that he wouldn’t start talking until he was damn good and damn ready, which meant I should just go ahead and get comfortable.

Once I was seated on the couch, I asked, “What do you need, old man?”

“I need you to explain to me why all of us thought you didn’t have any family.”

I groaned when I realized that this conversation was going to be about me rather than any of the other worries he’d found to focus on. “Because I fucked up every relationship I had and it would be better for everyone if I just stayed away.”

“Bullshit.”

“That’s how I feel.”

“Have any of them tried to contact you? Did they visit you when you were locked up? Write letters? Anything?”

“I blocked their letters and didn’t accept any visitors.”

“Why in the hell would you do that?”

“Because I was ashamed,” I snapped. He raised his eyebrows in warning, not willing to accept another outburst like that, so I took a deep breath and calmed down before I explained, “I burned so many bridges that there’s no way I can ever go back.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”

“No, I don’t. I damn near killed one of my best friends, and I stole from and broke the trust of the people who loved me. They’re all better off without me around.”

“Do you know how much I cherish the memory of having my son with me, Garvey? I’ll tell you how much. It breaks my heart to think about how your father feels knowing he has a son out there in the world somewhere that he can’t talk to.” When I didn’t respond, Pop asked, “So what if you were the first one in your family to fuck up and pay the price for it?”

“I wasn’t the first person in my family to go to prison,” I admitted. “I was the first person in my immediate family, but there are a couple in my extended family.”

“Are they back in the arms of their loved ones?” When I nodded, he asked, “Then what makes you so special?”

“I’m not. That’s exactly my point.”

“I love you, son. I think of you as exactly that - my son - because I lost mine and have been trying to replace him with every man I help get their life back on track.”

“I love you, too, Pop,” I said quietly.

“Do you?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then I want you to do something, Garvey. It’s important to me and will make me feel like I’ve really made a difference in your life.”

“You have! I’m making a great life here, and I enjoy using what I’ve learned to help the guys.”

“I want you to keep up that work, but I want you to do it in Rojo. Help that girl get on her feet and then stick around and get to know your family again. You’ve wasted so much time already, between fucking up and going to prison and then staying away even when you didn’t have to, that you’ve lost years. They’ve lost years. I’m here to tell you, son, that the years fly by faster as you age and things happen that you never expect. Before you know it, you’ve lost the people you love.” Pop snapped his fingers and said, “Just like that. In the blink of an eye.”

“I can’t do it,” I insisted. “I’ve been gone too long.”

“If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for me, Garvey. Give this old man some hope that he’s helped out another father who didn’t have to lose his son to drugs.”

“Fuck, Pop. That’s playing dirty.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes to get your life together until you work up the gumption to do it yourself. Stop hiding here behind what you’re doing for me and put yourself out there while you do the same thing for that young woman who is trying to find her way by helping others like you.”

“She probably doesn’t even want my help.”

“In the six weeks since she was here, she’s called Sis, Brea, and Blue at least three dozen times with questions. I’m surprised she hasn’t called you.”

“She has. I haven’t answered.”

“Call her back and tell her you’re coming home, and while you’re doing that, go ahead and pack up your shit to take with you.”

“Are you kicking me out?”

“I will if that means you’ll go home.”

“I might not.”

“In that case, I’ll tell you that you’ve always got a place here with me, but that place you’re taking up could be helpful to someone else who really has no one and doesn’t know how he’s going to make it from day to day.”

“Shit, you’re really good at this guilt thing, old man.”

“You don’t get to be my age without picking up a few tricks along the way.” He chuckled at himself before he asked, “Will you do it, Garvey?”

I stared down at my boots for quite a while, trying to think through what really going back home would be like. At first, I avoided my parents and siblings because I was pissed I’d gotten caught, crushed by the shame I knew I’d see on their faces and hear in their voices, and unsure how I could ever make them proud of me again.

After a while, it got easy to pretend that I was all alone. So easy, in fact, that I almost started to believe that we were all better off if I just stayed away forever. After enough time passed, I wondered how I could ever open up those lines of communication again and knew that I couldn’t handle the probable rejection if I tried.

I had almost resigned myself to never setting foot in Rojo again when Zoey Duke and her merry band of smartasses appeared in the same town where I happened to be hiding out. Since then, Rojo and the people there were all I could think about.

Finally, my decision was made. I looked up at Pop to find him staring at me while he waited for an answer.

“I’ll do it, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll stay there.”

“There are no guarantees in life, Garvey. The only thing any of us can really count on are our families and the people we love.”

“I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”