33. Hallie

Istorm to his desk and start ripping open the drawers, rifling through every piece of paper inside like a woman gone mad. Except I’m not mad, I’m just in love, which I guess is worse. Josh jumps to his feet as I discard the first drawer and move onto the second, not caring for the mess I am making, not when my heart is breaking inside of my chest.

“Hals, what the hell are you doing?” Josh asks, stumbling to my side, but when he touches me I flinch away from him, making him step back as I rip through the second drawer.

“Where is it?” I snap, my voice hoarse from holding back tears, and my hands shake as they fumble through pages of notebooks in search of what I am looking for.

“Where is what?” he pleads, completely bewildered by my behavior, and it makes me want to scream.

“The list,” I demand. “Where is the list?” I toss the second drawer aside, and yank open the third, which completely falls to the floor before I can even look in it.

“What list?” He looks genuinely confused, and I don’t know if that makes this whole thing better or worse, I simply square my shoulders as I turn to face him.

“The list of fucking names you chose me from,” I scream, my voice breaking with emotion, and I watch as his face transforms from confusion to regret.

“Hallie, I can explain,” he pleads, taking a step towards me, but I instantly step back, swiping my hand up to catch the first tear from my cheek as it falls.

“Explain what? How you could have picked any girl to run off into the fake sunset with, but you chose me? Don’t bother, Daddy dearest already filled me in.” I back away towards the bookcase, continuing my search there, and he rushes to my side and moves to place his hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t, I can’t even fucking look at you right now.” I snap away from him before he can reach me, pulling books off the shelf and flicking through each of them like I have completely lost the plot.

At this point I think I have.

“Baby, please,” Josh begs, and when I snap towards him and he sees the tears pouring down my face, he looks broken.

I’m sure he can see it now, the truth, the reason I agreed to all this in the first place, but I don’t care anymore.

“Was this all just some big joke to you?” I ask with a scoff, shaking my head, as I try to stop myself from crying. “Did you just look at this list and see my name and think wow I can easily make Hallie marry me without effort so why not pick her?”

He’s already shaking his head, stepping towards me again, but I step back. “It wasn’t like that, I swear.”

“Then what was it like, Josh?” I yell back, rage and heartbreak at war inside of me. “Tell me why you did this to me? Tell me why you picked me and ruined our friendship?” My questions are basically pleas, and no answer will change the outcome. It’s not like he did it out of love, it’s not like his heart beats the same way as mine.

“I did it because you were the only person on that stupid list I even liked, let alone cared for. I thought doing this with you was the best choice, the only choice, and I was right.”

His face looks more serious than I have ever seen it, yet right now it means nothing. “You thought lying to me was the best choice?” I ask, my voice trembling, my hands shaking, but for once I don’t back down. “You thought making me believe I was the only person who could help you was the best choice? Do you honestly think I would have gone through with this if I didn’t think there was another way to help you? I thought I was saving Maddie.”

“And you did save her,” he reassures me, once again trying to get closer to me, but I can no longer bear it.

“And you lied to me,” I whisper, letting my heartbreak show all over my face, even when I can see how much it hurts him

“Is the lie even relevant now?” he asks, emotion staining his own voice, as he pushes towards me again. “Does the list even matter, look at us, Hallie, this isn’t exactly fake anymore.”

A choked laugh leaves me. “Isn’t it? Because I had very few rules when you asked me to marry you, and one of them was not lying to one another.”

I don’t move when he reaches me this time, no longer having the energy to fight against him. “What do you want, baby? Tell me and I will give it to you,” he pleads, searching my face for a solution to all of this, but I think it’s too late for anything to save us now.

What I want he can’t give me, but it’s taken me this long to realize it. “I want the boy from the ice that day,” I admit softly, as his thumb captures one of my tears. “I want the one who proposed to me with a ring pop, the one who bought books on autism and hid them in his damn closet.” His eyes widen with every one of my truths, but I can’t stop. “I want the boy who would have never ever lied to me.”

I push him away from me and move towards his desk, searching through the papers again, with my hands a little calmer, it doesn’t take me long to find it, and when I do it hurts even more than I imagine. There are almost thirty names on the list. So many girls I know Josh has history with, including Brianna, and he could have picked any one of them.

When I turn back to him he looks as crushed as I feel, but the weight of the list in my hands is too heavy to care. “You used to be my favorite person in the entire world, did you know that? Just one look from you and my entire world would tip on its axis, and you never even noticed, did you?” My eyes hold his, as I let my truth pour out, no longer caring for the repercussions. The worst has already happened, and instead I focus on packing my things into my bag so I can leave.

“You think I didn’t notice you?” he asks, shaking his head in disbelief, as he desperately follows me around the room. “Hallie, you have been one of the most important people in my life since the day I met you. I think about you every time I step out onto the ice, every time there is a Taylor Swift song on the radio, and every time I see something green. How could I not notice you? You’re in me, you”re a part of me, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.”

When I turn back to him I wish I could still see the boy from the ice, but right now he is too similar to the man who raised him. “Except you did change that,” I exhale softly, zipping up my bag and lifting it onto my shoulder. “You changed it the moment you picked my name off some list like it meant nothing to you, and now there is no going back.”

I move towards the door, but he snatches my hand up in his. “Baby, please don’t do this,” he begs, but I snatch my hand away as if it’s on fire.

“Don’t touch me,” I snap, far too loudly, not caring if anyone hears, they no doubt have already heard more than enough to know what is happening in here. “Just, let me go,” I add, slipping off my rings, leaving them on the table by the door. Then without waiting for a response, I leave a room that feels more like mine than my own ever did, and don’t look back at the boy who still owns my heart.

When I reach the front door, Daemon is waiting silently, my coat clutched in his hands, clearly having heard everything, but when I meet his stare, his eyes tell me an even more bitter truth.

“You knew, didn’t you?” I ask, and he smiles so sadly that it almost breaks me completely. He holds out my coat for me to put on, and then opens the door and steps out to walk me home, just as Josh comes barreling down the stairs.

The look in his eyes kills me, but I turn and leave without another word, because I realize that even though he will always be my first love, all I ever was to him, was just his first wife.