Chapter 24

TWENTY-FOUR

ELLIS

“Tavish, before we go to the most secret of secret places where there are no ulterior motives, I got you a present,” Leland says as he holds a gift bag out to Tavish.

It’s nearly five, which means we’d been given a little bit of time to relax and eat some lunch and cake, but Leland is already wanting to shove us off to who knows where.

“Can I decline?” he asks.

“Absolutely not,” Leland says, but the smile on his face makes it quite clear that Tavish should be concerned.

“I don’t want this,” Tavish declares.

“Why not? I was going to get you a manual for how to hunt bears since you believe you’re a bear, but I don’t want to put money in the pocket of someone who hunts cute little bears,” Leland says.

“So the present is better than that?”

“Maybe.”

“Will it harm me in any way if I stick my hand in this bag?”

“Maybe.”

Tavish sighs and sticks his hand into the bag with a whole lot more confidence than I would. The look Leland has on his face would make me fear there’d be a mouse trap or something else inside. Tavish pushes the tissue paper out of the way before pulling out what looks like a little ceramic fence. It’s obvious that once upon a time there was something in front of the fence, but Leland has taken it upon himself to break that off so all that’s left is the fence perched on a mound of grass.

“It’s beautiful,” Leland says, even if Tavish’s face doesn’t quite reflect that. “I’m even happier knowing that it will forever be ingrained in your mind as the first present you’ve ever gotten, which means that it’ll be your most memorable present.”

“Wow. That’s… I mean, something,” Tavish responds before showing me. “You see this, El? You see what I’ve been missing out on for years? Like once upon a time, I would think about the wonders of what I could have received for my birthday, and none of them even came close to this.”

I grin at him, though I can’t help but feel like Tavish is actually a little excited about it. It’s so ridiculous and goofy, but isn’t that Tavish? He might act like he’s at odds with Leland and bicker about him, but it kind of seems like that’s how they enjoy interacting with each other.

“It does look just like it,” I say. “I am curious what was originally in front of it.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Leland assures me. “Nothing important. The real important thing is the beauty of The Fence. I tried getting one for everyone in this room, but the lady at the store said it was the only one in stock. So Tavish, you better feel motherfucking special. I almost kept it for myself because I loved it so much.”

Tavish turns the weird figurine this way and that while giving it a skeptical look. “I’m feeling something, alright.”

“It can go right next to that gaudy vase you brought here,” Leland says.

“Are you saying the vase that Ellis risked his life to hold on to while jumping out of a plane is gaudy ?” Tavish asks in disbelief.

“It’s his birthday,” Jackson reminds Leland.

He grimaces. “Oh. I forgot. Damn, that vase of yours is just… almost as nice as my fence but not quite. Are we all ready? Henry and Micah said they didn’t want to get picked up in the murder van and chose to meet us there,” Leland says. “I told them if they tried to run or flee at any time… they would deeply regret it.”

“You broke out the murder van again?” Cassel asks.

“Sure did. I even had the seats put back in it, so you have somewhere to sit instead of having to wallow around all tied up,” Leland assures us.

“Why’d you tie them up?” I ask curiously.

“Because they were thrashing and fighting far too much. It was a bit ridiculous how much they were struggling. Their cries and pleas just fueled the flames of my desire to kidnap them more often.”

I look over at Jeremy. “So you’re a police officer?”

“Uh-huh…”

“And you listen to this and think…?” I ask curiously.

“That Cassel really needs different friends,” Jeremy says.

Cassel scoffs. “We went out with a coworker of yours and his wife, and you nearly fell asleep while he was talking.”

“He never stopped,” Jeremy whispers. “The more he talked, the more my head just… ached .”

“You made me send him a fake alert that his house security system was going off, so he’d just go home,” Cassel says.

Jeremy looks in every direction but at Cassel, like he’s ashamed of his actions.

“Gasp! Jerebear, how heinous,” Leland says with a huge grin. “Why didn’t you call me up? I’d have made it so the security system going off wasn’t fake. I could have even hidden in his house and scared him for you.”

“I did that once,” Cassel comments. “Some chick was stalking me. I was doing this undercover thing for a bit, and she became obsessed with me. So I just let myself into her house one day and replaced all of her pictures with pictures I’d photoshopped of us together. Then one day later, I went back in and she had them all on the table, so I removed them all, and she never looked my way again. Easiest way to get someone to stop talking to you. I offered up the idea to Jeremy, but he lamely suggested that maybe we just don’t invite them out again.”

Clearly… these men should not be fucked with.

I raise my hand. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m interrupting something that maybe I shouldn’t without permission.

“What’s up?” Leland asks.

“Where are we going? And should I just stay here? Because I feel like I should stay here.”

Leland gasps. “And miss Tavish’s birthday extravaganza that isn’t at all an excuse for us to stalk someone?”

I grimace and pretend I didn’t hear that last part. “You’re right, I’m sorry. Tavish, we’ll make sure you have the best birthday ever.”

“I already am,” he assures me.

“Really?” I ask as I think about how my father tried crushing his body in a window, how he’d nearly gotten shot, had been in a car crash, and was shoved out a second-floor window…

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

And… should I be concerned that the man I like is clearly very confused?

“I even got to eat the biggest penis cake I’ve ever seen.”

“It was a lighthouse,” I try to claim.

“Definitely a penis.”

“A sizable schlong for sure,” Cassel agrees.

“Let’s go,” Leland says. “We have a set time to be there, and I don’t want to be late.”

So we’re all ushered out to the most suspicious van I’ve ever seen.

“Oh, you really are allowing us seats, unlike the time you whipped all the fuck around with us illegally bound and gagged in the back,” Cassel says. “That’s nice and thoughtful of you.”

“You didn’t need seat belts when you had Blow-Up Randy’s body to cushion you,” Leland replies.

I turn to Tavish who sits next to me, not at all disturbed by any of this. “Do I even ask who that is?”

“It’s Leland’s blow-up doll.”

“Oh, like one of those blow-up aliens you see people win at the fair?” I ask. “I remember trying really hard to win my sister, Sienna, one of those when we were teens. She wanted it so badly.”

“No, like a blow-up sex doll. Mouth hole and all. Protruding penis. The whole shebang. Or should I say he bang.”

Leland scoffs. “That wasn’t funny, Tavish. Only I am allowed to make jokes,” he proclaims from the front passenger seat.

“A… sex… doll…” I think about this for far too long. “Definitely wasn’t trying to win my sister one of those.”

“Just stop thinking too much. It’s the issue you’re having,” Tavish informs me. “When you’re around Leland, the less you think, the more brain you save.”

“Think… less…”

“Tavish, since we didn’t get to sing you ‘Happy Birthday’ because the bird stole my solo, we should sing you a song now,” Leland declares.

“NO!” everyone shouts for some reason.

Leland just smiles like he’s not at all put off by the fact that the entire van adamantly hates his singing. Jackson’s the only one who doesn’t look horrified, but he’s sure not looking eager.

“A rap, then. Ellis, would you like to hear my birthday rap?”

“I would love to,” I say, which makes Leland smile even wider.

“Ellis, why?” Cassel whispers from behind me.

“I don’t know. He looks so happy.”

“He looks like a fucking Cheshire cat, is what he looks like.”

“Ellis, did I tell you that you are quickly working your way up to being my favorite?” Leland asks. “Like you were already above Tavish the moment I met you, but now you’re just skyrocketing to the top. You really want to hear my rap?”

Everyone, except Jackson who is driving, is pelting me with pleading looks. It makes me quite paranoid, but I can’t say no to Leland. That would just be mean.

“I would love to hear it,” I say.

Tavish gives me a gentle look. “Ellis, he’s like a conniving monster. Don’t let him do these things.”

Leland isn’t deterred at all. “Alright… you guys ready for this? Let’s drop a beat. Cassel?”

“Urghhhh,” Cassel whines.

“Not quite the beat I’m looking for. Jackson?”

“Uh… dun dunn?” Jackson sounds extremely unsure.

“Damn, you’re fucking sexy,” Leland says. “You in the back ready for this?”

“No,” Jeremy grumbles. “Why didn’t I bring earplugs?”

Leland doesn’t care. “ Yo… here we go. His name is Tavish and he kind of looks like horseradish. Since it’s his birthday, I can’t wish he was a castaway so I wouldn’t have to see his face every day. He thinks he’s a bear but all I see is a hairy man’s derriere. He claims he’s Scottish which would be hottish if he wasn’t Tavish. It’s such a bummer that no one in this van will ever have as fine of a lover as my little fence climber. Poor souls forever deprived of the way Jackson’s pants dived… you know, when he got his pants stuck on the fence.”

Leland is staring at me, obviously wanting a reaction. It has become quite apparent why they all told me to say no, but… like… in a weird way, it was really good. Like no, it wasn’t good at all, but to come up with that on the fly? To just… rhyme… or at least try to rhyme like that?

“That was amazing,” I say. “You were so quick coming up with those rhymes.”

Cassel groans and Tavish chokes. “You think I look like a hairy man’s ass?”

“What? No! Of course not! I was just… I, uh…”

Leland is all beaming smiles. “Ellis, my god, what alien life-form did you come from, you are delightful.”

“Alien… life-form?”

Cassel makes a noise of agreement. “I’m with you there, Leland. I still think he’s like undercover or something. Nothing else can account for how suspicious he is. Maybe undercover cop. Undercover bad man? Something. No one’s nice enough to say that your rapping is good.”

“He didn’t say it was good. He said it was amazing ,” Leland says, looking delighted.

“I feel like I should be offended, but I’m also not sure if I should be,” I tell Tavish.

“Just live in a constant state of being offended when dealing with Leland and everything will be okay.”

“Jackson, do you think we could adopt him?” Leland asks.

“I think he’s a grown man who doesn’t need two men around his age to adopt him,” Jackson says.

“But he’s nice enough that I bet if we asked, he’d say yes just to keep from awkwardly telling me no. Ellis, will you let me adopt you?”

I stare at him, unsure what to do with this question I’ve been presented. “I mean… I already have a mom and sister and… stuff, you know?”

“You wouldn’t let me adopt you?” he asks, giving me a look that makes me feel bad!

“I don’t know… I mean… I…”

“Leland, stop bullying him,” Tavish orders as he grabs me in his arms and pulls me toward him, like he’s shielding me. It makes my heart beat a little wildly as he holds me tightly. “You will taint him and break his kindness.” I decide that he can taint me all he wants if Tavish is willing to hold me like this.

Leland glowers at him. “How? The rest of you are the ones trying to make him evil like you guys are. Aren’t they, Jackson? Tavish, you’re over there encouraging him to say mean things.”

Jackson nods. “Totally.”

“I’m so sad that… I think I need to hold my baby to feel better.” Leland wipes away an imaginary tear before he reaches over and picks up what looks like a gun case, but my eyes are drawn to the little thing dangling from it. “What is that?”

“A prison for my baby,” Leland says.

“No, dangling off it.”

“Oh? My crocheted rainbow bee? Tavish made it for me.”

Tavish scoffs. “I did not. I would never do something as stupid as crocheting.”

I eye the bee before looking back at Tavish. “Is that what it is? I can never tell the difference between crochet and knitting?—”

“I mean… I don’t know either. Do I look like a man who’d crochet stupid little things like that during my free time? Nah. I work out. I do sexy things.”

“You definitely don’t unpack your TV stand.” I hesitate as something dawns on me. “Wait… was that what the basket was in your living room that you hid from me?” I scrutinize him, very excited about this turn of events. “It wasn’t something to murder people with but cute little bees and stuff you’ve crocheted?”

He raises an eyebrow and puffs out his chest. I’m so close to him, I can feel it, and I’m fully aware that it’s some tactic to try to pretend he’s not the one who crocheted it. “Does this look like a man who crochets?”

I’m… honestly kind of confused why he thinks you have to look a certain way to do something. “I mean, you can keep repeating that, but I really don’t think there’s a restriction on who can and can’t craft, is there?”

“I asked him to crochet a bikini for Jackson, but he said he’d only do it if he could crochet it onto his naked body,” Leland says.

Tavish looks horrified. “I… did not say that! I want to clarify that I don’t want to do that. I haven’t… no… Leland is making that shit up.”

Leland looks at him in shock. “I am not! Guys, am I making that up? You were all there!”

“Definitely made up,” Tavish says.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear. My ears are still bleeding from that rap,” Cassel tosses out.

Why is Tavish getting flustered over this so cute? I mean… we aren’t even dating, and he’s already concerned I will take offense over something like that? And something that happened well before he even stuffed me in the trunk of his car?

“Wow, Tavish. How’s it feel to be forced to face all the horrible things you’ve done in the past?” Cassel asks with a very dry voice.

“I thought you weren’t listening,” Leland says snidely. “See, Ellis, I went to this fun little craft show and there was Tavish selling all of his cute little crocheted bees and little jellyfish and stuff. He tried to pretend it wasn’t his booth, but all the little old ladies knew him.”

“That’s awesome!” I enthuse. “I love that you made enough stuff that you go to craft shows!”

“Don’t remember any of that.” Tavish looks so flustered over their teasing. “How the fuck could Leland have belted out the worst damn rap in existence, but no one thinks about that, and instead, they focus on me?”

“Maybe…” I start. “Because you’re trying to make yourself into someone who is different than you really are, and everyone in this car likes you for you. You don’t have to be manly or macho or really anything but yourself, and all of us will still like you.”

“Fucking hell, he’s an alien,” Cassel declares, but I notice Tavish watching me closely.

“Ellis… I have a very important question,” Leland says.

“Hmm?”

“Do you… do you like to probe people? It will definitely determine whether or not you are an alien.”

“I mean… I may have been known to,” I say.

That makes Leland laugh. Clearly, he enjoys the ridiculous adult humor. “I tried to roleplay as an alien with Jackson once, and my god, the moment I whipped out my finger, he was like, ‘Can I be Sasquatch again?’”

“There is a whole chunk of that story that you left out,” Jackson says. “Literally the most scarring bits you left out.”

“You’re so cute,” Leland coos, tossing heart eyes his way. I love how sweet they are together. I can tell that they’d do anything for each other, and it makes me hope I’ll have that someday.

Tavish pokes my leg, and I look over at him. Now that he has my attention, he doesn’t seem to know what to do with his finger, so he pokes my leg again as my eyes are trained on it before catching his. “If… there’s something you’d like… I’d crochet it for you,” he mutters.

“You really would?” I ask. And maybe I could have that thing with this man here…

“Yeah… sure. Just tell me what you’d like.”

“Really anything,” I assure him.

“Do you have a favorite animal?”

“Maybe cats?”

“Then I’ll make you a cat,” he declares. “And I’ll look manly while doing it.”

“You could look like anything while doing it and I promise I’ll love it,” I say, unable to stop the smile I throw at him.