Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVE

ELLIS

“Sup,” a tall, muscular man says as we walk up to where he and Henry are waiting.

“This is Micah. He’s like Tavish but cooler,” Leland explains. “And taller.”

I give him a smile. “Hi.”

“Micah, this is Ellis. He’s either undercover or an alien. We haven’t determined which yet,” Leland says. “We are all suspicious over how normal he is. He’s quite sketchy.”

“Anyone has to be more normal than you,” Micah responds as he takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “Pleasure to meet you, Ellis.” He gives me a smoldering grin.

“Ha… ha ha… Yeah… same… I think?”

Tavish glowers at him before setting a hand on my back and heading toward the door.

“I see you’re suffering,” Henry says to me.

“Umm… Confused too. Suffering and confused,” I assure him.

Henry gives me a knowing nod. “That’s the first issue. The moment you meet Leland, you’re supposed to just let your brain turn to mush. It’s the only way to successfully keep all your brain cells intact.”

“Weirdly, you’re not the first person to recommend that to me.”

“So… why are we at an escape room?” Tavish asks.

“Two reasons. Birthdays should always be fun and because there’s someone here who we’re going to torture,” Leland announces.

“Two times the fun,” Tavish says.

“Is it?” I ask.

Henry grumbles about that. “I was told that if I showed up, Leland wouldn’t sit on my lap during inopportune times and then send the pictures of it to my wife. He didn’t say anything about how long I had to stay.”

“You’re staying and you’re going to love it,” Leland says. “I signed us up with our code names.”

“What’s that mean? Leland, please… please tell me I don’t know what that means,” Jackson asks as we head inside the building. Jackson is apparently quite tortured over this, but he doesn’t have long to look distraught before he smiles at the woman who is standing behind the counter beaming at us.

“Welcome! Are you our five o’clock appointment?”

“Sure are!” Leland answers.

“Got your name tags all printed out here. Just peel them off and stick them on your shirts so our lovely staff can interact with you. And then put your phones in that locker there,” she says before cocking her head as she looks at the stickers. Leland’s all smiles as he takes them. He smacks a Seymour Shhlong nametag onto himself, a Derrick Derriere onto Cassel, and a Freddy Fallus onto Jackson.

“Leland… why?” Jackson asks. It’s such a pleading sound.

“We need our code names. And what’s the sense in using our code names if you’re going to blatantly announce to everyone my real name?”

Henry gets a “Sugar Daddy” and Tavish gets a blank one.

“Why the fuck does this piss me off even more?” Tavish asks. “Everyone else gets a name but me?”

Leland grins, pleased by the problem. “Oh nooooo. How saaaaad.”

“Leland, he’s the birthday boy,” Jackson reminds him.

Leland sighs and picks up a marker which he uses to write “Tavish the Terrible” on Tavish’s name sticker. Clearly, Tavish didn’t need a code name.

He slaps mine on, and I have to pull my shirt up to get a look at where it says, “Enchanting Ellis.”

“Aww. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I still think you’re sketchy, but you’re welcome.”

And with “Magic Micah” and “I’m running out of ideas” (who is Jeremy) all set, we head into the room we’re directed to. A very bubbly man greets us with a fake sword and an even faker parrot that just hangs there at an unnatural angle.

“Arrr. Such a shame, such a shame that you thought you’d board my ship looking for my treasure! You’re never going to get out alive. Into the cells ya go. Two by two by two!”

“What if we can’t count that high?” Leland asks.

The man flicks his plastic sword at him, which just results in Leland poking the tip. “Pointy,” he comments as he ushers Jackson into a cell. Very confused by what’s happening, I follow Tavish into another cell. There are two cells on each side of the room with bars that allow us to see each other. And outside the cells is a door that seems to lead to the next part of the escape room.

“Well now, don’t make a fuss, I’m only going to make ya walk the plank when I get a bit of free time,” the man says. “See ya soon.”

And then the guy leaves.

“Are we murdering him?” Tavish asks uncertainly. “Is that why we’re here?”

“I mean, his acting was atrocious, but I’m not sure it’s worth killing him over… I think,” Leland muses.

“Don’t murder anyone,” Jackson says in horror. “We’re playing the game.”

“Like… for real, real? This is a game?” Tavish seems confused.

Since the only thing in the cell I’m in with Tavish is a crate of bottles, I push it to the side to see if anything is behind or under it. But when I lean over to check, I catch something in Leland’s cell. “Look, I can see the edge of a hole there.”

“I am quite a hole seeker,” Leland says as he jimmies a loose board out of the way.

“Jackson, I need you to get through.”

“Why the hell would I climb through the hole? It’s probably to pass something through.”

“To play the game.”

“I’m positive stuffing my body through that small hole isn’t part of this game.”

“I’m positive it is.” Leland comes up behind him and knocks his knees into the back of Jackson’s before he starts oozing him onto the floor.

“Leland, I will not fit.”

“I need you to see if she’s in the next room.”

Jackson sighs. “Fine. But I’m just sticking my head in, nothing more.”

“Ooh la la, you know I like it when you talk dirty to me.”

“Tavish, look,” I say as I hold a bottle up to the red light flickering above our cell. If I lean the bottle just right, it makes some numbers show through the glass.

Tavish picks one up and holds it up against the normal light. “I don’t see anything.”

“It has to be one of the colored lights.”

He shifts the bottle and tilts it. “Ah, this one is 1835.”

“Get in the hole, Jackson,” Leland urges as I get distracted by Jackson trying to stuff his head through the hole.

The speaker cuts in. “Um… the hole is for objects… not bodies,” a woman says over the speaker.

“Cassel, I thought you were going to cut their feed?” Leland whispers.

“I’m waiting until we see the lady!” he hisses.

“This one is 1975,” Tavish says, still playing the game, and somehow ignoring the antics in our next-door cell.

“Maybe we put them in order by years?”

“We could do that,” he agrees as he starts sorting them.

Jackson flails a bit, drawing my attention back to him. “Leland… I think I’m stuck. I need you to pull.”

“Why’d you push in hard enough to get stuck? You know you shouldn’t force yourself into tight holes.”

Jackson sighs. “You told me to cram my head in farther.”

“It’s fine. I have a riddle for you. If you win, I’ll help you.”

“I’m not good at riddles.”

“What’s mean and hairy, and boy, I could use a Bloody Mary,” Leland says.

“Uh… what?” Jackson just seems confused and stuck.

“It’s Tavish!”

Tavish throws his hands up. “What the fuck! I’m over here doing the puzzle and it’s still my birthday!”

“Ah, I forgot,” Leland says as he picks up something. “I need a key. Anyone have a key?”

“I got one,” Cassel calls from the cell across the room from him.

“I think we’re supposed to use this little pulley system to get the key over to him,” Jeremy says as Cassel fucking whips the key through the metal bars, then it ricochets off a metal bucket before smoothly sliding right through the bars into Leland’s cell where he catches it. I’m gawking… like fucking… impressed.

“Did someone say something about a Bloody Mary?” Henry asks.

“How the hell did you do that?” I mutter.

“Wrong key,” Leland says as he ricochets it over to Micah. It smacks him right in the forehead, which makes Leland laugh.

“Don’t be impressed by that,” Tavish tells me.

I gape at it all. “How can I not?”

Tavish waves my attention back to our cell. “Look at these bottles. I have them all in order. Ignore those pests outside our cell.”

I realize that Tavish wants me to be impressed by the way he lined some bottles up by dates and not with the way those fuckers just like performed magic. “Oh! Right! You got them all already? That’s so fast!”

“Thanks,” Tavish says, proud as a peacock. “I don’t know what I do with them now. Think they have real alcohol in them?”

“If they do, roll one my way to make this more enjoyable,” Henry requests.

“Hey, Cassel, your key doesn’t work over here. Leland, you sure you put it in right? You look like a man who doesn’t know how to put it in right,” Micah says, tossing it back to Cassel so he can whip it back at Leland.

“We have this fun little pulley,” Jeremy states, pulling the rope that sends the bucket to the other side of the room even though Cassel obviously doesn’t need it as he shoots the key back to Leland with ease.

“I am motherfucking phenomenal at putting it in right. I am… oh no, you’re right, I totally had it upside down,” he says as he releases the box. “Jackson. Babe. Are you still stuck? I could have used your help putting it in right.”

“You’re sitting on me. How do you expect me to get up when you’re sitting on me?”

“Ellis, they’re really not that interesting,” Tavish tells me, still sounding jealous.

“Definitely not. Now let’s see what we have here,” I say, not wanting Tavish to feel left out.

“I need a code with six letters,” Cassel says.

“We might have it!” I announce as I pick up the first bottle and see a P on the bottom. “First is P?—”

“Definitely parrot, then,” Cassel says as he fills that out. “Yep, sure was.”

I glance at Tavish who just pushes the bottles over in defeat, and I can’t help the laugh that escapes me.

He eyes me. “What?”

“Nothing!”

“I had this before he figured it out with his annoying brain,” Tavish says.

“You definitely did! You did a lot!”

“Inside the box is a map,” Cassel says.

“I once killed a man with a map,” Leland declares.

“You’re so brave, honey,” Jackson says, kind of looking like he’s just taking a good rest on the floor.

“Thank you.”

“We have a parrot symbol,” Tavish says as he points at some graffiti on the wall. He gives it a push, which causes the block to move and a key to drop out. He picks it up, reaches through the bars, and unlocks our cell. “Well, this was fun. See ya guys,” he says as he pulls me out toward the door to the next room.

“You need something, don’t you?” Cassel toyingly says as he twirls a key from inside his cell. “Let me out and I’ll let you finger this key all over.”

“Dammit,” Tavish complains as I take the prison cell key and head over to let Cassel out. Once he’s free, I open Leland’s cell too, which was evidently the wrong move because Tavish grumbles, “Why the hell did you let him out?”

“I don’t know. Because he looked like he wanted out?”

“You can leave me in here,” Henry offers, but I unlock their cell too. The locks don’t actually have much to them and could easily be opened without the key—I’m sure for safety measures—but they all seem to be committed to their roles, so I dutifully free them all.

“That’s a good boy,” Leland says as he pats my head. “You’ll make a good child after all. What are your thoughts about being renamed? Waylon was such a brat about the idea, but you, on the other hand…”

I give him a smile so what I’m about to say hopefully hurts less. “I’ve heard what you’ve named your guns and… I kind of… think I’ll keep this name. Thank you, though.”

Leland scoffs. “Just don’t come to me in a couple of years and cry that I never tried to give you anything.”

“I’m… I’m confident I won’t,” I assure him.

Tavish lets us into the next room where a woman sits “tied” to a chair.

“Save me!” she entreats.

“Oh, I will totally save you. Cassel?” Leland asks.

“We’re all set and ready to go,” he says.

“Oh. My. Golly. Betty! I didn’t know you worked here!” Leland exclaims.

She stops acting and looks confused. “I’m sorry… I…”

“Seymour? I’m Miller’s friend,” Leland says. “I’m sure he’s told you all about me.”

Betty looks absolutely delighted as I realize that this… this is her. This is Miller’s infamous mother. Just this morning, Miller nearly blew my balls off after I gave him shit about me trying to bed her like Eugene did.

“Miller’s friend! Oh my! How delightful! Miller is always so quiet about his friends. I’m just… oh my, I’m just so excited to finally meet one!”

I turn to Tavish. “Miller’s going to murder us,” I whisper.

“He shouldn’t have fucked with us,” Tavish says before stepping up to her. Even if he was just going along for the ride, he’s fully committed now. “Betty! Miller just loves jokes. Do you think… I know this is so goofy to ask, but do you think you could just sit on my lap for a picture? I bet Miller would find it hilarious .”

“SOOO funny!” Leland agrees. “I love Miller’s sense of humor. Last time we were hanging out, he was shooting at me… with those phenomenal one-liners he has. How funny. Nearly got me too!”

“How fun!” she says. “Sure. That sounds so goofy.” She pushes the fake binds off and waves Tavish to the chair before plopping down right on his leg. “Make sure you get my good side. Gosh, I feel like a princess sitting on such a strong lap! Or wait… maybe like a young girl on Santa’s lap?”

“I got a present for you,” Tavish says.

“As long as it’s not a sack,” Leland mutters so quietly I think I’m the only one who hears it.

Betty laughs wildly. “Gosh, you’re so cute, I love the accent. Say ‘I’ll be coming down your chimney.’”

Clearly, she’s not picky about who sucks her toes.

“El, take that pirate sword and pose behind us,” Tavish instructs, choosing not to say what she has asked, which I think we’re all thankful for. “It’ll be hilarious.”

“Ha! Will it?” I ask, not so sure.

“So funny,” Leland says as he puts it in my hand. “Ooh, hold it against Betty’s neck and go ‘Arr!’”

I’m going to die. We’re all going to die. Miller’s going to come here and chop my balls off and then rip my dick off and then punch me some more, and then I’m going to die.

“I’m not sure I wanted to die today,” I whisper.

“That didn’t sound anything like ‘arr!’” Leland says as he whips out a phone.

“How’d you get a phone snuck back here?” Betty asks.

“Say ‘cheese!’” Leland calls. Tavish pushes the blade in my hand against Betty’s neck as she does the most ridiculous playing-dead pose while Tavish beams like a maniac. “Miller is going to fucking love this. I mean… Ellis kind of looks like he’s being held hostage, but besides that, Miller will love it.”

“Ha… I’m sure he will,” Tavish says.

Leland glances at his phone. “Oh look. He already replied. Betty, he wants to know if we can all meet for dinner tonight. What time do you get off?”

“I’m off as soon as you guys beat the room,” she answers.

“Good thing I almost have it completed, then,” Cassel says as I realize he’s just been over there single-handedly demolishing the puzzles while we’re single-handedly demolishing my capability of living to old age.

I drop the fake weapon and hurry over to Cassel. “We’re going to die.”

He gives me a look of surprise. “Oh, hey, you’re okay. I guess we could have filled you in on what was going on. I think we keep forgetting that you’re not a thrill seeker like the rest of us,” Cassel says as he dumps some puzzle items into my hands. “I promise you’re not going to die. It’s going to be okay!”

I’m convinced he’s wrong. “We’re definitely going to die.”

Cassel grabs my shoulders. “I promise that we won’t put you in a situation that we’re not confident we have the upper hand in.”

I don’t feel overly reassured as I trail around after Cassel since he’s the farthest person from Betty, aka the woman who’s going to get me killed.

Tavish heads over and pats my shoulder. “This birthday is just getting more and more exciting. And Ellis, I love the face you’re making in the picture. It’s hilarious. You really pulled out your acting pants for it.”

“Tavish,” Cassel hisses.

“Huh?”

“I… don’t think he was acting,” Cassel whispers, like he thinks I might not be able to hear.

Tavish hesitates. “Wait… are you worried?”

I gawk at him, really unsure how he could have missed that memo. “Of course I’m fucking worried,” I hiss. “This is the guy who beat the shit out of me. I thought I might die. I thought he was going to beat me to death.”

Tavish squeezes my arm. “But now you can beat the shit out of him, and he’s just going to stand there and take it because he doesn’t want his mom hurt. It’s fine. I promise.”

How can they all just act so casual about all of this?

“It’s not fine!” I say.

Tavish seems uncertain about what to do. “But it is? We have complete control over this. There’s really nothing to worry about.”

He just doesn’t get it! How the fuck can he not get it? I guess to someone like him, the threat over this seems so low, but to me…

“I need to use the bathroom. Betty, where’s the bathroom?” I ask.

“Right out that way,” she says. “Would you like me to take you?”

“No, I have it,” I reply as I dump the puzzle pieces in Tavish’s hands before I hurry out the way we came. I rush into the bathroom, but before I shut the door, Tavish slips in.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking and that was really stupid of me,” he says, looking genuinely upset that he’s made me worry.

I want to tell him it’s okay, but I feel like I don’t even know how to gain control of the situation.

“Am I the weird one?” I ask. “You guys all… all of you are like, ‘Yeah, this is fine! This is fun!’ but you’re egging on a man who will want to kill us over this.”

Tavish holds his arms out. “I… don’t know how to do this comforting thing, so you’re going to have to help me out.”

I hesitate before stepping up into him and tucking my head against his shoulder. He wraps his arms around me. I take a deep breath before saying, “Fucking hell. This is such a reckless idea. How can you guys not see how reckless it is?”

Tavish seems uncertain of what to say. “I guess… I didn’t realize how reckless it is because… in my eyes, it really doesn’t seem that reckless. You have to understand that all of us have been doing this shit for our entire lives or for a good portion of it. But I think we also struggle to understand that you haven’t been. I can guarantee you this—Miller will not risk the life of his mother who he clearly cares about. Right now, we have two people: Eugene and that other guy who know very little. But from the beginning, Miller was Arthur’s right-hand man. A man like that will have a better idea of what’s going on than anyone. We could go in guns blazing, but realistically, this will be the safest option.

“Miller will be instructed to bring no weapons in. He won’t risk the life of his family member. Getting answers will be significantly easier and result in a whole lot less fighting.”

His arms feel tight around me, and there’s something reassuring about the hold of them that makes me feel like things might actually be okay.

“I think you’re using your muscles and handsome face to trick my brain. Being hugged is just releasing serotonins that are fooling me into feeling like ‘You know what? Tavish is totally right. All of this will one hundred percent be fine.’”

“Then why don’t you hug me every time you feel like something’s wrong?”

I bite my lip, wanting to be hopeful but unsure if I should. “Maybe I will. Will you unbox your TV stand if I do?”

“Only if you promise to help me. I’ve never been good at reading directions.”

I nod as I squeeze him to me. “I will. I promise.”

He kisses my temple, and when I lift my head, he kisses my lips gently. It’s such a soft and reassuring kiss. I don’t know why such a simple brush of the lips has so much power over me, but it does. “While I’d prefer to stay in here, I think we’re working against the clock.”

“Okay,” I say as I follow him out to where the pirate guy is closing the door to the room Betty and the others are in. He just gives us a nod and scurries off.

“He need something?” Tavish asks the others.

“Said the camera was down for some reason, but Betty assured him that everything’s all good,” Leland says, making me realize that’s what he’d asked Cassel about earlier. “We almost have the room done. Betty said if we can finish it in the next fifteen minutes it’ll be the fastest time yet.”

“Weirdly, it looks like the only one working is Cassel,” Tavish observes.

“I will beat the record. I will beat the record,” Cassel chants as he drags Jeremy after him to hold everything he deems important.

Needing something to do, I rush over to help him. Seeing an emblem on a paper he’s holding, I point over to the far wall. “That symbol is on that sword I was holding.”

“Ooh, where?”

“Maybe it goes into one of those slots?” I say as I retrieve it.

“You are a genius,” Cassel praises. “So much smarter than Leland.”

“Betty, would you like to hear about how I met my husband?” Leland asks.

“I would love to,” she says, forgetting her job to play the captured… something?

“Dark night?—”

“And DONE!” Cassel shouts before doing a little jig. “Done, done, you motherfuckers. I am the best. I am the smartest. I am… brilliant . All praise me! All bow before my genius. Imagine how quickly I’d have finished this if we weren’t fucking around for half of it. Jeremy, I want to come back and beat the others all alone and then show Leland how smart I am.”

“Wow! That was amazing,” I say, honestly very impressed.

“We’re keeping you around just to compliment people,” Cassel says as he throws an arm over my shoulder. “Did I ever show you the video of the time I threw Tavish down the stairs?”

“No, you sure didn’t. Was this back when Tavish was… on the other side?”

“No, this was like less than a month ago.” And now I’m uncertain why you’d throw your friend down the stairs.

Cassel whips out his phone as Betty looks puzzled about how he also has his phone… admittedly, I am too. I swear we put all of our phones in the locker. Then he presses play on a video of Tavish chasing a busty Leland up the stairs.

“Are those balloons?” I ask, rightfully confused.

“They make me look beautiful, don’t they?” Leland says as he sidles up right behind me to get a good view of Tavish who stabs right at Leland!

“I thought you said this was less than a month ago?” I ask in alarm.

“It was,” Leland says.

“Then why is he… you know… trying to kill you .” I whisper the last part, but Betty is too busy trying to hit on a rather baffled Micah to care.

“That’s just how friends greet each other after not seeing each other for a bit,” Leland assures me.

“Do they?” I whisper as I watch them fight a moment before Cassel fucking drops from the sky. And then I watch in pure amazement as the smaller man fucking flings Tavish across the room.

I gawk at the whole thing, unable to comprehend what I’ve just seen. “Can I see it again?”

“Even you enjoy watching me land on my face?” Tavish asks.

“I mean… I want to say no, but you… stabbed at him. And it kind of looks like you deserved it…”

“Fair enough,” Tavish says.

“And it’s so impressive. Cassel… that’s like… wow.”

Cassel is so pleased. “Let me play it in slo-mo for you. Look at Tavish’s face as I fling him. Ha. I love it. I printed this picture off and hung it in my house so I can forever be pleased by Tavish’s look of horror. Gosh. So fun.”

“So fun,” Tavish grumbles sarcastically.

“You should have seen Leland try—” Henry starts as Leland lets out some kind of noise that quickly stops that conversation.

“Leland did nothing ,” Leland hisses. “Now let’s go. We don’t want to leave Miller bored and waiting. You ready, Betty?”

“I just have to get my things.”

“I’d love to help you carry them,” Micah says with a wink.

She laughs. “I really don’t need help, but you’re such a sweetheart.”

“Are you sure?” he asks as he gives her a seductive look which leaves her laughing and smacking his arm. And then the two of them wander right off as I see Micah slip her phone out of her pocket and into his.

They’re all monsters.

Yet they’re the only hope I have left.