Chapter 23

TWENTY-THREE

ELLIS

I carry the cake up to the front door, very pleased that the box hasn’t been crushed, maimed, or destroyed. We’d stopped at a pet store along the way for a simple cage to put the African grey in until I have some idea what to do with her, since I don’t know what Leland’s dogs will think of her, as well as some food.

Since Tavish doesn’t want to carry the penis cake, he decides to carry the birdcage. “She’s pissed. She’s sharpening her beak. She’s totally going for the jugular when you get her out,” he says as he looks at the bird inside her new cage.

“It’s just temporary. I’ll get her something bigger as soon as I figure out what’s going on,” I reply as I push open the door and step inside. Not even the dogs are there to greet me, which immediately makes me paranoid.

“Hello? Leland? Jackson?” I call. I mean… maybe they took them out for a walk. That’s the normal thing to do, and what I would have originally assumed before I met Tavish, but now, I’m immediately questioning if they’ve been abducted or carted off to Murder Island.

We step into the foyer and Leland, Jackson, Waylon, and Cassel all leap out with streamers and blowers and shout “Happy birthday!”

I’m so fucking on edge, I jump back, slam into Jeremy, and drop the penis cake, which hits the ground. I stare at it in disbelief. Then I look up at everyone who is looking at me as the fucking parrot starts singing the words “happy birthday” over and over.

“What the fuck happened to you two? Did the lady at the cake shop make you wrestle a chicken for the eggs before she’d make the cake?” Leland asks. “You two look atrocious.”

“I dropped the cake,” I whisper. “I dropped someone’s birthday cake.”

I feel very close to crying and it’s so stupid. It’s just a cake. But I can’t even keep a fucking cake safe.

Tavish seems to immediately notice this. “It’s fine! I’m sure whoever’s birthday it is doesn’t care. Wait until you tell them you carried it through a B and E, ran away from a gunman, and leapt out of a building with it. Makes it all that much more special,” Tavish says as he picks it up off the floor and opens it. “Look! It still looks like a penis.”

I look in and realize that even the fall didn’t really seem to cause it to lose its penis shape. That makes me smile and I feel a little better.

“Tavish… it’s your birthday,” Cassel whispers.

“Huh?” Tavish asks as he looks around. “Is it?”

“Yeah, I noticed when I was snooping around your shit like a nosy person this morning. Wait, is it a fake date?”

“Uh…” Tavish checks his phone. “Nah, I think that’s right. My dad said celebrating birthdays was nonsense, so we never paid any mind to it. Hey, you mean this giant penis cake is for me?”

“It’s not a penis, it’s a gun!” Leland says as he hurries over before cocking his head. “Huh.”

“That’s totally a peen,” Cassel inputs.

“Giant willie,” Leland says. “A behemoth beefmeister.”

Cassel’s not to be deterred. “A King Kong kabob.”

“Are they actually related?” I ask Tavish.

“I don’t think anyone would ever want to be related to Leland, even by marriag—” He stops and eyes Jackson. “I mean…”

Leland opens his mouth, but Jackson shushes him. “It’s his birthday. He’s allowed to be as mean as he wants, and he can get away with it.”

“You really didn’t know it was your birthday? I wish I’d known; I’d have gotten you something,” I say before remembering I don’t even have a wallet or clothes that I purchased with my own money. “With… someone… else’s money.”

“Nah, I don’t need shit. Why would I need anything with this lengthy leviathan I get to devour while a bird cusses me out?” he asks as he waves toward the cake.

Cassel cocks his head as he examines us both. “I am confused about the bird. Also about why Tavish looks damp, and why Ellis looks like he had a tussle—that he lost—with an entire rain forest, and how they ended up with Jeremy.”

Leland holds up his hands. “Well, clearly, Tavish was like ‘Me think you sexy?—’”

“Why does he sound like an Australian caveman?” Jackson asks.

“Jackson, babe. I’m setting the scene. Don’t restrict my scene setting,” Leland says. “Anyway, now that the sexiest man in the world is done cutting in, I can continue. So Tavish was like ‘You. Sexy.’ And Ellis was all like ‘Ew, I would rather run through this here paper shredder than hear that,’ and then in a valiant effort to get away from Tavish, he pushed him into a pool to drown him… just a little.”

“Ellis, if you want to drown someone, you have to hold them under a little longer than you’d think,” Cassel “helpfully” says.

Leland nods. “Definitely. Especially a man like that. Stubborn and irritating men are the hardest to drown. I think it’s because they don’t actually have much of a brain to suffocate, if you get me? If you need help, I’ll show you. We can practice on Tavish.”

“I thought you weren’t allowed to be mean to him on his birthday,” I say.

“Fuck,” Leland grumbles.

Tavish grins at this. “Ha ha! Leland, you must say, ‘Tavish is the badassest motherfucker you’ve ever seen.’”

Leland stares at Tavish before just going, “So who wants some cake? I invited Micah and Henry, but they said they’d be up for something later.”

“Who’s Micah?” I ask curiously.

“Just assume anyone who knows them is weird and concerning,” Waylon says. “I kind of regret being here.”

“Waylon, why?” Leland asks. “We want Tavish to see how much better my child is than his.”

“I have a child?” Tavish asks. “I really think I’ve been sticking it in the wrong place for that to have happened.”

“Ew,” Waylon cries. “Why can’t any of you be normal? I’m so glad I’m going to my friend’s house. He actually asked me if he could come over and I said ‘NO!’ so fast I think he now believes there’s something super sketchy going on at my house.”

Leland gasps. “Oh my god, you had a chance to invite your little friends over and you didn’t bring them over? I want to meet your friends.”

“No, that’s okay,” he assures Leland.

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my life,” Leland says.

“Not The Fence?” Waylon asks.

“Fuck. Wait… I forgot I’m not supposed to cuss in front of you. Fudge. There, that’s better.”

“You really don’t think I heard plenty of cussing while off making drugs?” he asks. “My teacher wanted to know why I’m so good at chemistry and I just told her I had one of those fun science kits growing up. I didn’t mention that the kit was originally to make meth. So yeah, I think you can say fuck.”

I just stare at the teenager, positive I’ve missed something here. Was Leland and Jackson’s child off making drugs?

“Don’t tell your friends you know how to make drugs,” Jackson orders.

“I know that much,” Waylon says.

“Don’t do drugs. Do I have to show you what happens when you do drugs? Because I will,” Leland threatens.

Waylon sighs. “I’m not doing drugs! I never did drugs. I know what happens.”

“If you have to do something illegal, I’m more than happy to get you into shivving people,” Leland assures him.

“I don’t want to shiv anyone.”

“Shooting highly illegal assault rifles, then,” he decides on.

“I’m so glad my friends are normal,” Waylon comments.

Leland scrutinizes him for a moment before grabbing him in a headlock. “If you ever feel like you need to do something like that, you better fucking call me, you hear me? I will never judge you, but you better bet your ass I’m going to keep you on the right path. And I will fuck up anyone who tries to get you off it.”

Waylon grumbles but he doesn’t fight off Leland. “I know. I won’t.”

“Good,” he says before ruffling his hair and turning to us. “Tavish, go get changed. You smell like the swamp you fell into.”

“I… fell into a very nice pool.”

“Oh, must be your natural smell, then. Like when a dog gets wet, you know? Go get changed. Then we’ll eat some cake and party. You don’t want to miss it.”

“You might want to miss it,” Jackson says.

Leland gives him a look. “Honey, we said that we would lie to them.”

“Sorry, babe.” Jackson turns to us and winks. “You definitely don’t want to miss it.”

Clearly, we should miss it.

Leland then goes over to the birdcage and kneels down. “Well, hello there.”

“ Fuck ,” the bird announces, and Leland gasps.

“Oh, mother of fences. Can you say fence? What about badass motherfucker? Repeat after me. Bad… ass… motherfucker.”

The bird dances a little. She obviously enjoys Leland cussing at her.

“ Uh-oh. Balls. ”

“It’s delightful,” Leland decides.

“Why does it cuss so much?” Waylon asks as he looks at her. “And did you steal it?”

“No! I wouldn’t steal someone’s bird,” I answer. “She was… I mean…” Oh my god, I stole her.

“It’s not stealing if the owner is dead,” Tavish assures me.

“Isn’t it? Are you sure?” I ask. “I’m pretty sure that’s still stealing.”

“It’s not,” he says as he picks the cage up. “Leland, I hope you don’t mind the new houseguest.”

“What if the bird takes your place?” Leland asks. “She’s significantly cuter, even with her beady little eyes and creepy talons. Her shrill squawks are even more pleasant than yours.”

Tavish flips him off as he heads up the stairs with the cage. I follow close behind.

“I’m going to get a quick shower because I have literally no idea what to expect from Leland’s birthday nonsense,” Tavish says. “Or maybe I should shower afterwards. Honestly, I really don’t know.”

He sets the cage down and opens it once the bedroom door is shut. “There you go, you creepy fucker.”

She struts out, prepared to check out the room.

“She might shit all over,” I warn.

“Ah well. Not my house,” he says.

“Uhhh, soooo what’s going on with Waylon?”

“Long story short, he was caught up in some drug nonsense and Leland and Jackson saved him. His brother, who was his guardian, is in prison, so they’re his guardians until he gets out. Although, I’m kind of feeling like Leland would fight anyone for that kid now that he’s claiming him as his own.”

“How… I mean… like how did they get to adopt him and stuff… and like… he didn’t have to go to juvie with the drug stuff?”

“El, if you ever need anything done, you just tell Cassel and he’ll fix you right up. Want a new kid? Leland would find one for you and Cassel would legally make it yours… illegally? Eh. It’ll be yours. Just don’t ask too many questions.”

“Sounds… sketchy… but clearly he’s quite happy here.”

“He does seem to be.”

“Tavish?”

“Hmm?” he asks as he glances back at me.

“I was just thinking… that if this was like… a normal situation where we met each other someplace other than the dumpster that you bashed my head into. And I could have been planning your birthday. And you didn’t live in a house that looks like someone who is planning to move tomorrow… we could have done something really fun for your birthday.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You seriously consider what we’ve done so far to not be really fun?” he asks. “I’ve had a blast. You even took me to meet your father.”

I raise an eyebrow in return, not quite so sure about any part of that.

I walk up to him. “Since… I wasn’t able to get you anything… and wasn’t able to keep your penis cake from getting dropped… I just want to give you a birthday present that I could actually offer.”

Then I step up to him and press my lips against his. There is maybe a fraction of a second of surprise from him before he’s all in. His hands slide around my waist, drawing me in without reservation. His lips part, and even though he smells like chlorine and is still a bit damp, it’s the best damn kiss I’ve ever had.

It’s like he’s enrapturing me with something so simple. I don’t know if it’s the constant life-or-death situations, the adrenaline, the exhaustion… but the way his tongue wraps around mine draws me in deeper. I feel breathless, like I’ve forgotten that I can still breathe.

It’s with great reluctance that I draw back, but I know that I have to before I get swept up in something that I won’t be able to return from. I really am scared that he’ll just jump up and leave like my father did. This kind of life doesn’t lead to the life I want where I get married and have kids and we eat dinner at the table every day until we realize that’s a lot of work and eat on the couch. But we eat together. We raise kids together. We have it all together.

And I know that this could just be a fling. This could just be a bit of excitement in an already excitement-packed week of my life, but I’m greedy and I don’t want that.

Another part of me knows that I’m throwing a lot at a man I’ve only known for days, but I can’t keep myself from being all in. I want to be all in.

“That was hands down the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” he says.

“You said you’d never gotten a birthday present,” I respond, feeling bad for him. What kind of child isn’t even allowed presents?

“Yeah, and it’s still the best,” he says.

“You know… I might have missed this year… but I could give you birthday presents next year… and the year after that.”

“Oh?” he asks as he raises an eyebrow.

“But you have to be here. I don’t know if you’ve caught on, but I’m not the adventuring type. I’m not going to hunt you down to send you a present.”

“It sounds very tempting.”

“Yeah… go get cleaned up. Your sutures weren’t supposed to get wet.”

“I’ll make sure to tell the next guy that before he pushes me out the window,” he assures me. “And I could be tempted to unpack my TV stand… and get a real table… and put my bed on my bedframe if there was a reason to stay here.”

I find myself wanting to be that reason. Wanting it so damn much.

With that, he slips out the door and I’m left to play with the bird who has successfully checked out every inch of the room and has also shit on Tavish’s shoes.