Chapter 22

TWENTY-TWO

ELLIS

I jerk the cake toward me like I think it’s some kind of safety line, for some unknown reason. Like the masked person won’t murder me if I’m holding the damn cake because they also don’t want the frosting smeared.

Then I remember the PC tower that Tavish wanted and grab that before bolting. The only issue is that I didn’t realize it was still attached to something, and the most godawful racket accompanies me as I race down the hallway with the keyboard and mouse bouncing after me.

“ Uh-oh. Uh-oh ,” the bird announces as she follows me.

“Be quiet!” I hiss, like there is possibly any way no one’s going to notice me taking the keyboard and mouse for an ear-shattering stroll.

The keyboard catches on something, snapping free of the tower as I hear a gunshot that sounds like it’s coming from outside. That’s a good thing, right? That means Tavish is okay enough to still shoot. But I’m too goddamn terrified to turn around and check.

And as I barrel down the hallway, I realize that I took a wrong fucking turn in my panic. I am now stuck at the wrong end of the hallway, well aware that I’d have to pass the room the shooter is in to reach the stairwell. Frantically, I turn into a random room as I glimpse the masked person hurrying down the hallway after me. I slam the door shut, and then realize I closed the fucking bird outside it and quickly reopen it.

“Come on, hurry!”

The bird cocks her head, and then as slowly as she can walk, she struts over to the open door and slips inside just as the man reaches it. I slam my entire body against the door as he sticks his foot in the open doorway, keeping me from closing it.

“ I’m gonna fuck you up ,” the bird announces. At this point, I’m not quite sure who she’s fucking up. But I sure wish she could have walked a bit faster than the pace of a tortoise.

“Come on, you don’t want to piss me off,” the guy says, his foot keeping me from closing it the rest of the way.

“I’m really nobody and just want to go home, and I’m so sorry if you were having a good time here and wanted to stay in the closet. You can have the closet. You can have the whole house, really. Ha ha. Enjoy it all. It’s all yours. Please, I don’t want to die. I’m not really good at this whole thing and you’re clearly quite good at it, so take pity on me?”

“Why the fuck don’t you ever shut up?” he asks as I ram against the door some more while the bird starts pecking the shit out of his shoe. She gets right up in there, twisting and tearing at the fabric even though I don’t feel like she’s making much progress.

“Get the fuck off me or I’ll blow a hole in your feathered head,” he snarls.

“Don’t you dare,” I growl. Juggling the cake and tower, I grab the mouse by its cord and whip it through the open doorway. It smashes the man right between the eyes and gives me enough time to scoot the bird back and slam the door shut so I can lock it.

“Open the fucking door.”

“I really don’t think I’m going to.”

“Please?” he asks.

“No! You’re going to murder me!”

“I’m not going to murder you. I might torture you a bit. But I’ve been told to keep you alive.”

“You’re Miller, right? I mean, I can tell by the way you hate my guts for no reason. I’m not even the one sleeping with your mom. But if you keep fucking with me, I just might!” I growl.

Oh yes, good job, Ellis. You’re phenomenal at shit talking. Yes. Let’s threaten to sleep with the other guy’s mom like we’re in the ninth grade.

“I’m going to chop your fucking dick off,” he decides. “I’m going to go find a serrated knife, and I’m going to saw my way through your fucking dick, you hear me?”

How the fuck could I not hear him? I’m over here throwing some stupid comment at him like a fifteen-year-old and he’s planning on castration!

“I was joking! I don’t even like women!”

“You going to go for my fucking dad, then?”

“Hadn’t planned on it!” I say as he beats against the door with vigor.

“If you don’t open the door, I’m going to come in there and make you wish you were never born. But if you open the door, I’ll simply make you wish you didn’t wake up this morning.”

“Neither of those sound ideal!” I cry as I look around for a weapon. Hopefully, Tavish will swoop in and save the day.

But what if he’s hurt? What if Tavish needs help?

Panic and anxiety weigh down on me as I hurry over to the window. I set down the cake and the PC tower on the bedside table, knocking a glass off. Then I peek out the window and see the porch roof outside it.

“Open the goddamn door,” Miller roars as he beats against it. Then he shoots it for no fucking reason at all! Like what the hell will shooting it accomplish?

“ Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I’ll kick you in the balls, ” the bird barks out.

“I’m going to make fucking chicken nuggets out of that goddamn bird,” Miller says.

I try to get the little screen hooks undone but they’re not unhooking, and I end up just kicking my foot through it. My foot goes through the screen that’s trying to remain attached and I nearly fall on my face before pulling myself free. Then I swoop down and grab the cake and the tower and set them on the roof outside the window. I want to leave the motherfucking cake, but now I’m paranoid that someone will track us down by this stupid cake I brought along! Why did I bring it along? Who gives a shit if it melts in the car?

Anxiety eating through me, I quickly climb through the window and gather both items up again.

“ Pretty. Pretty ,” the bird declares.

I look back at her in uncertainty. “I don’t know what the fuck to do with you,” I realize, but before I can decide, she flies through the window and takes to the sky.

I really hope she finds someone to make friends with who will take her inside and treat her right. But I’m also positive that it shouldn’t be my main concern. Actually, it won’t even be a concern of mine at all if I get murdered .

The porch roof is on a slant, so I scurry over to the far end and look down at the drop below. There are decorative bushes all over beneath me but if I leap off, I’ll probably bust the PC tower.

The door to the room flings open so hard I can hear it bash into the wall from here. Miller is coming, and since I know how hard he hits when he doesn’t hate me, I’m worried about how hard it’ll be now that he seems to. Deciding that those bushes down there look like a fucking dream, I scoot myself down and drop. I hit down into the bushes and roll to my back, getting scratched to shit in the process, but the items in my hands remain intact.

“You having a tussle with that there bush?” Tavish asks. “I’m almost a wee bit jealous how up in that bush you are.”

“You’re okay!”

“Of course I’m okay,” Tavish says as water drips from him. “That fucker will be less than okay, though, once I put a bullet in his head. The issue is that my guns are fucking wet. Let’s get back to the car. I’ll grab something that’ll add another hole for him. I really think he could use it. And why the fuck are you still carrying the cake?”

“You… said someone could track us down with it?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s worth the risk of leaving it. Just drop it and let’s go.”

“I have gone this fucking far. This cake is being hand-fucking-delivered to Leland, no matter what,” I insist as he takes the tower from me. Both seem fairly unharmed after the fall… especially in comparison to me.

“Fine, fine,” he says as I start running toward the car.

That’s when I notice something unusual. “Um. Not to like… you know, add to things, but there are three cars heading this way and they don’t look very friendly.”

“Do cars generally appear friendly?” Tavish asks.

“These look like murder cars! And did you see that last one? Totally a kidnapper van. I don’t wanna be kidnapped. I’ve already been involved in my fair share of kidnapping.”

“My god, you’re fast when you want to be,” Tavish says as I run for all I’m worth. I reach the car and grab the handle, but it’s locked.

“Why’s it locked?”

“All my guns and shit are in there.”

“Get it unlocked!”

“The key doesn’t have a button.”

“They’re going to murder us.”

“They’re not,” he says a moment before a bullet pings off the mirror, making him duck down. “I mean, maybe they are. But it’ll be fine.”

“How? Where in the fucking dictionary does it state that getting shot at will lead to anyone being fine ?”

Tavish yanks the door open and hits every button before he finds the unlock button. In a panic, I dive into the car.

“You’re going to drive,” he decides.

That just sounds horrific. “Why am I driving?”

“So I can shoot.”

“Why are you shooting?”

“Because weirdly, if you shoot someone first, they can’t shoot you as easily after.”

“Fucking hell,” I mutter as I climb over his lap and into the driver’s seat where I start the car. The moment I go to gun it, the African grey parrot flutters down from the sky and lands on the windshield. She grabs on to the windshield wiper, clearly quite put out that I’ve taken off without her in the car.

“Oh no! Grab her!” I say as the car creeps along at like two miles per hour while the murder brigade rushes onto the scene.

Tavish seems less than thrilled by the idea. “It’s a fucking bird! She’ll fly off!”

“No! She obviously wants inside! Grab her! What if they shoot her?”

“What if they shoot me?” he asks.

“But she’s so cute and innocent. If you don’t grab her, I’m stopping the car and getting out. She’s on your side; I can’t reach her from here.”

“Fucking hell,” Tavish grumbles as he starts climbing out through the window while I creep along, afraid I’m going to hurt her, but also afraid that if we stay behind, someone’s going to murder us.

Tavish reaches his hand out, fingers spread, reaching as far as his arm will go just as a bullet hits the windshield, leaving a nice little hole in the space between his index finger and his thumb.

“Why the fuck are they shooting at us?” I ask in a panic.

“Christ! I nearly lost a fucking finger! Drive, Ellis! She’s a bird! She’s got bird wings! I don’t know if you know this, but birds can fly! They take these things covered in these fancy feathers and fly off!” He’s yelling all of this so I can hear it from inside the car, but even with all of the hollering, he still risks his life to snatch her. She is pissed and bites onto him.

“Motherfucker! I should have used you as a bullet sponge,” he growls as he drags her in and tosses her to me.

Her feathers are all ruffled as Tavish’s hand bleeds all over the place.

“ I’ll fuck you up ,” she declares to Tavish, puffing up some more and stomping her feet as she declares what all she’ll do to him.

“You already did! And I saved your feathered ass! You should be worshiping me, not pissing me off!”

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t think they’d start shooting at us! I didn’t mean for you to nearly get shot!”

“It’s fine! I nearly get shot a lot.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better!”

I gun the car just as I see a police car heading down the road.

“Fall in behind them,” Tavish instructs as he quickly sits back down. “Just fall in behind them.”

“O-Okay,” I say as I do, and Tavish lays on the horn.

“What the hell are you doing? Do you want to get us arrested? Are the weapons in here legal? I don’t want to go to prison. I definitely couldn’t join a gang.”

The sirens flick on and just like that, the cars following us back off.

My hands are beyond moist at this point as I clutch the steering wheel tightly. “We’re going to prison. We’re going to die. We’re going to prison,” I mumble, pulling off on the side of the road as the police car pulls over behind me.

When I see Jeremy get out of the car, I nearly melt into the steering wheel with relief that I’m not going to prison… probably. He raps on the window and I’m so busy trying to recover that Tavish has to roll the window down.

“Thanks for that,” Tavish says.

Jeremy looks between us. “Do I even ask what’s going on?”

“ Go for the balls ,” the bird announces.

Jeremy stares at the bird for a long moment, then at the soaking wet Tavish, then at me gripping the steering wheel with all of the strength left in my body. “How about I follow you guys to the station? I’ll make sure they don’t follow, and then take you home. Whose car is this?”

“I have no fucking idea. Leland told me to drive it,” Tavish says.

“I can drive you there in the cruiser.”

“I have… my… uh… toys in the back.”

“Like sex toys?” he asks, face scrunched up.

Tavish snorts. “No! My guns!”

“Oh Christ. I think I’ve been around Leland too long,” Jeremy says as he rubs his face.

Jeremy eyes the guns scattered all over the seat and sighs. “You couldn’t have put them in a case or something?”

“No one wants to have to open a case, now do they?” Tavish responds. “What if you’re like ‘Oh man, I’m going to get murdered, but I have a super-awesome weapon that could deter this murderer over there in my car.’ So you rush over but get shot and killed because it’s tucked in some stupid case that requires a ten-digit pin to open up.”

Jeremy just sighs again and helps him transport the weapons to his cruiser and covers them up. The way he extra covers up a few makes me curious how legal they are. Then we drive to the police station with Jeremy following us. Once we arrive, I take my new bird and the cake and get into the police cruiser as Tavish brings over the computer tower.

“I’m going to sleep for a year after this is all over,” I announce. “I’m just worried this cake is fucked up.” I peel open the box as Tavish and Jeremy both stare down at it.

I cock my head, a bit confused, then cock it the other way.

“Did you just…” Tavish falls silent for a moment, like he also can’t find the words. “Did you just protect… protect a penis cake with your life?”

“It’s… it’s not a penis,” I protest as I turn the box this way and that, like maybe what it is will pop out to me if I look at it from a different, less penis-like angle.

“That’s definitely a penis,” Jeremy says.

“It’s… it’s a lighthouse,” I decide.

“It’s a penis,” Tavish says.

“No… but I wouldn’t have just… my whole life… I risked it… to keep this cake safe. It’s safe… and it’s… it’s something special that Leland ordered. If you squint, you can see the way it’s actually a skyscraper with big… bulbous bushes out front. It’s like a metaphor…” I’m just making up shit at this point in an attempt to understand what I’ve seen.

“Well, telling me it’s Leland’s answers all of my questions. The second he asked you for something, you should have known it was going to be a penis or a fence,” Jeremy says.

“It’s a really big penis,” I realize.

“Such a big penis,” Tavish concurs.

“So much… so much was risked… for this penis.”

Tavish seems to find this hilarious, which means the bird also finds it hilarious. I just close the lid and decide that it doesn’t matter what’s inside the box. What matters is that Leland helped me, so I helped him.