Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

Rainier held the cup of pink juice and squinted. “What is it?”

“It’s mellyball juice. I pressed it. I added the juice from a few strawberries too.”

“Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.”

“Nah. It’s fine. I bought a little hand press in town.” Felix got into bed next to him and brushed back his damp hair since he’d bathed. Inky was curled up at the foot of the bed. “Er, you were sleeping, so I guess you heard nothing.”

“Heard what?”

Felix explained how Mum had visited and tried to have him arrested. Rainier almost forgot about the glass in his hand.

“If she comes back, stay inside. If anyone tries to get in-”

“I think I’ll be fine. They don’t want to obey her. Not for stuff like that. People are talking, and I bet those two guards will tell their buddies what happened because they’ll want to know why they’re not at work. It’ll spread, and maybe she’ll even back off of you because she knows people don’t approve of the abuse.”

“She’s not abusing me.”

“Yes, she is! I didn’t actually think of it that way at first, but she is.”

Rainier shook his head. “She’s not beating me up.”

“Would you say stuff like that to me? Would you tell me I’m fat or try to control me in ways we didn’t agree on?”

“No, but that’s also different.”

Felix folded his arms. “How is that different?”

“Because a sexual relationship isn’t the same.” Rainier tried to gather his thoughts for a moment. “A submissive puts a lot of trust in a dominant to do things. As your dominant, I have a lot of influence, and you typically look to me in the bedroom for direction or guidance, and you do things you know I want.”

“Okay.”

“At times, you’ve been in positions where I could have physically hurt you,” continued Rainier. “I mean, actually damage you, not a fun spanking. If I were verbally cruel, putting you down, and controlling you in ways that aren’t right, it would be abuse. As your dominant, it’s critical that I keep you safe, not only physically but mentally as well. If you needed aftercare for something, and I neglected you, that’s also abuse.”

“I get that,” said Felix. “If you do physical things I’m not agreeable with, it’s abuse-”

“Or rape.”

“That too,” said Felix. “If you used words to treat me like shit, that’s true too. I know abusive relationships exist, and sometimes dominants use their power to take advantage of submissives. Some don’t know how to stand up for themselves, or they think it’s normal.”

“And some can’t leave.”

“The thing is, your Mum is verbally abusive, and even though you stand up with your words, she went behind your back,” said Felix. “She tries to control you in every way, and even went so far as to get your guard to assault me. She wrote some Baron to bring his son there to meet you. She does what she wants in her attempts to control you, and she doesn’t care about how you feel. I know when we think of abusive parents, we typically imagine some drunk Father whooping his kid’s ass or either parent is beating their kid, but a Mother or Father can do it verbally, and it can go on even when the child is an adult. You’re twenty-five, she calls you fat, and she does all sorts of horrible stuff. She’s been abusing you for years, and she did it to your sister too. It’s been going on for so long, it’s almost normal to you because even if you argue back or something, you’re used to being treated that way by her.”

Rainier ran his thumb along the glass as he contemplated that. Maybe Felix was right. Mum insulted him repeatedly, and when he didn’t do things she insisted on, she pulled sneaky, horrible shit in her efforts to control him. She had slapped him recently, although he hadn’t dwelled on that. He was taller than Mum, and while he wasn’t that strong right now, in most cases, the idea of her beating him up would be laughable.

She was shorter, and if she had tried several months ago when he weighed more, it would have been easy enough to fend her off and protect himself.

But she didn’t need to come at him with fists or a belt like some parents did to their children.

“When a dominant abuses a submissive, I think it’s because they like the power,” said Felix. “They get off on total control and making the other person feel small and down so they can feel bigger. Even if two people aren’t having any sort of sexual contact, the abuser likes power. In your Mum’s case, I think she has this view of how you should act and be, and because you don’t match up to it, and you are your own person, that pisses her off.”

Rainier set the glass on the bedside table. “I guess you’re right.”

“She also abused your sister. It broke her down until she was stuck in a dangerous pattern of habits. Now she’s done that to you. I’m sure she’s never intended to cause Addy’s death or drive you to that point, but it happened. My Mother’s never called me names or tried to control my life. She even knows what I do for work, and she lets me live my life because it’s my body and my choice what I do with it. I’m not harming myself. Drink your juice.”

Rainier glanced at the glass. He liked the taste of juice, but it was one of those things he didn’t think about having. Mum didn’t seem to care for it, so it wasn’t something they often had in the kitchen, and he wasn’t sure how much weight a person would gain if they had a lot of it.

“It’s not going to make you fat,” said Felix.

“I don’t really want it.”

“Do you want to have energy? I’ve never seen you sleep this much.”

“I don’t sleep well at night. That’s why I’m tired all day.”

A thread stuck out from the blanket, and Felix rolled it between his fingers. “You probably don’t sleep well at night because you’re hungry, and then you’re tired all day, so you sleep in spurts, and then at night, it disrupts your normal schedule, and you’re still hungry. On and on it goes. If you eat, you’ll have more energy.”

It would also add more padding to Rainier’s bones.

“It doesn’t have the pulp in it, so it’s not like you’re eating a bunch of food.”

Rainier took the glass. “Fine.”

“The physician says I should add oils and stuff to your food.”

Rainier lowered the glass after a sip. “I don’t want stuff like that added to my food without my knowledge.”

“Well, fat makes fat-”

“That’s exactly what I don’t want!”

“You have to gain weight, and there isn’t any way around that,” said Felix.

“How about my body, my rules?”

“Having sex doesn’t harm me,” said Felix. “Don’t twist it. I won’t sneak stuff into your food, but you still have to eat something.”

Rainier leaned against the headboard as he drank. He shouldn’t be getting ticked off at Felix who had basically put his life on hold for him. His Kitten was too good for him.

“You bought a hand press?”

“Yeah, and I got a whole bunch of food.”

“I’ll pay you back for all of that afterward. Keep a tally-”

“I don’t want to be paid back.”

Rainier raised an eyebrow at him. “I gave you money so you can keep your savings in good shape. You’re not supposed to spend it on me.”

“It was needed. It’s not like I bought something silly, and I don’t want to be paid back for helping you. You didn’t expect me to pay you back for feeding me.”

“You were there so I could take care of you.”

“And it’s my turn to take care of you,” said Felix.

Rainier forced himself to drain the juice before he inched down to properly lay in bed. He was already tired, but he wasn’t sure if he could sleep now.

“If guards come here, stay in,” said Rainier. “Don’t take chances.”

“All right? Can I rub your back?”

“I would like that.”

***

He managed to fall asleep while Felix gently rubbed his back, but he kept waking up in the night. It had to be quite late when he cuddled up to Felix who was slightly snoring, and he tucked the blanket around them better since he was cold.

Even though he felt like shit, a sliver of relief bloomed in his stomach. Tomorrow, Mum wouldn’t be in the house to harass him. It would just be Felix. Then he remembered he’d be expected to eat meals, and dread gripped him. To avoid thinking about that, he considered what Felix had said about Mum abusing him.

He did need help because she had done her best to break him down, and people did need food to live. He pictured her in the Castle and how furious she must have been since he still hadn’t broken in the way she wanted.

He’d been right in thinking he’d never get any peace. She wouldn’t let him be a Duke either. First, she’d bitch about him abandoning his duty at the Castle even though she could do the ledger and office work herself. She’d likely also say he was going somewhere so he could stuff himself and indulge in his kink.

It would simply cause more trouble, and he couldn’t stay here forever. He wanted to stay with Felix more than anything now, but he couldn’t keep his Kitten with him especially with so much shit. How could he ask Felix to stay with him later again at the Castle when the Queen despised him? She’d probably plot something else to get rid of him.

But the abuse would continue. Perhaps Rainier should simply give up his position. For a moment, he couldn’t even believe he’d considered that, but it might be his only option. He was positive he couldn’t work out something with Mum. Talking with her and demanding that she stay within certain boundaries wouldn’t work because she’d always crossed them before.

She was set in her own view of how her son should be, and that wasn’t changing anytime soon. The thought of living and dealing with that until she grew old and passed away was unbearable. Decades of being trapped…

Life had been a lot easier when he was a child. Despite her lectures on self-control and forbidding her children from snacks, he’d felt like he had a good homelife. Plenty of Princes, Princesses, and lord’s children had higher standards to some extent, and he’d figured that out at a pretty young age. Besides, Father had made the no snack rule seem less important since he’d snuck them stuff.

Maybe if he gave up his position and walked away from Mum for good, Felix would go with him. Rainier would have to get a job and learn how to live like a commoner, but they could get their own place.

It would be nice to have Felix in his arms every night. He’d missed this so much in their short time apart.

He managed to fall asleep near dawn and was woken by Felix who said he needed to eat breakfast.

“I don’t eat breakfast.”

Felix narrowed his eyes. “I have a feeling you were lying when you said it didn’t sit right with you. You just didn’t want to eat.”

Rainier sat up as guilt twisted his stomach. “Okay, but I haven’t eaten breakfast in a long time, so that’s not a lie now. I don’t do that meal anymore. Also, I’m sorry for lying. It didn’t make me feel sick before.”

“Can you not do it again?” asked Felix.

“I won’t.”

“You haven’t been eating a lot of meals, and that needs to change. Remember what I said about energy? You need energy so you can do stuff, and that comes from food.”

The scrambled eggs and toasted bread with norben shouldn’t have been a lot, but when Rainer sat, he could barely look at it. Energy or not, how was he supposed to deal with this and eat like everyone else again?

“Aren’t you tired of being tired?” Felix prodded him.

“I’m more scared of gaining weight.”

Felix poked at his eggs with his fork. “I guess I’m not going to be able to get a meal in you every couple of hours even if it’s small, am I?”

“No.” Dear Elira, Rainier couldn’t imagine having a fucking meal every two hours. He might as well find a pigpen to live in.

“Would you at least eat a snack along with some juice?” asked Felix. “Maybe if we get you used to having a bit more in general, it’ll be easier. Dinner will be something more normal-sized. A slice of toasted bread for breakfast and lunch, and as a morning and afternoon snack should be manageable, right?”

It wasn’t like Felix was going to stop trying to get him to eat. For a second, Rainier was so irritated, he wanted to dump the contents of his plate in the fire and go back to bed even if he didn’t sleep. It wasn’t going to get easier because eating more meant he’d get fat. Fuck all of the food.

But Felix was trying to meet him part of the way instead of attempting to force down every bite of some big meal that he couldn’t face.

“One slice of the bread and the juice,” said Felix. “I’d rather you eat both slices, but if you can only do one, that’s fine.”

A single slice of toasted bread technically wasn’t even half of the plate.

“All right.”

Even though it wasn’t much, he managed to make it last until Felix had finished his breakfast. He took Rainier’s plate and finished it off.

Rainier forced himself to drink his juice and told himself to hurry it up. It didn’t need chewing, it slid down pretty easily, and the faster he got it over with, the better. He set the glass down as Felix stacked their plates.

“Finish it all.”

A sip remained, and Rainier remembered Mum saying only poor people or those with no self-control finished all of their meal. The juice was a drink, but the concept remained. She never quite finished all of her wine either, despite it being watered down.

“Come on,” prodded Felix.

He made himself drain it, and Felix picked up the dishes. “Why don’t you go sit outback? I noticed a couple of rocking chairs tucked against the wall this morning and brushed them off because they had cobwebs. You can’t sit and not worry about a spinny climbing up your leg.”

“All right.”

The sun felt nice while he gently rocked himself, although it still wasn’t quite enough to take away the cold like one might think. The yard had grown up quite a bit, and he could barely make out what was supposed to be the actual flower beds along the fence since glass plants and grass were battling for supremacy all over. Gold roses had sprouted from a bush that had seen better days but was still fighting to live.

Felix came out after a while and pushed the other chair closer before he sat and took Rainier’s hand.

“I know you probably think I’m being an asshole, but I just want you to get better and be happy.”

“I know, Felix. I’m sorry for being so difficult.”

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do this to yourself. Not really.”

Rainier closed his eyes, tipped his head back, and kept his hand clasped with Felix’s warm one. It was still strange to think of Mum abusing him and Addy. The words were so foreign.

It was also completely at odds with the nice version of her when he was little. He had plenty of good memories with her back then. But as a child, he’d also pretty much done as he was told and didn’t start showing real self-direction until he was older.

“I like this,” said Felix.

“What?”

“Just us being together and pretty much doing nothing.”

The words tumbled out before Rainier could overthink them. “Do you still want to do this in fifty years?”

“Yes, but you gotta get healthy first.”

Rainier stared at the backs of his eyelids. Had he just proposed even if it was in a kind of dumb way? He guessed so, and he supposed Felix had said yes too. It’d be awkward if he had them both clarify themselves, but he was pretty sure that was a yes.

He couldn’t see any of his other lovers coming back and flipping things so he was the one being taken care of.

Also, the yes had a condition. Rainier wasn’t healthy, and he couldn’t go on like this. But he didn’t want to be a fat husband either although Felix insisted he wasn’t fat.

“Does your Mum get on Natalie to not eat?” asked Felix.

“No. Natalie could eat tubs of lard all day and never gain an ounce anyway.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re exaggerating.”

“Hardly. She always eats a lot at meals when they come over, and you’ve seen her.”

“Hm. Where’s her Father? You never mentioned an Uncle.”

“He ran off before she was born. You never heard that? She’s illegitimate.”

“No!” Rainier heard Felix shift in the rocker. “I thought he passed or something, and I never heard anything. Then again, I wasn’t exactly keeping up on gossip about the Royal Family while growing up. She’s got the same hair as you.”

“Fortunately, she takes more after us instead of that loser. He was using Aunty for money, and he skipped off once responsibility came. Gem digger.”

“Damn. Well, fuck him then.”

***

Rainier had started to doze off, and Felix was suddenly touching his shoulder. “Natalie’s here, but I said I’d ask if you want to see her.”

Natalie came through the door. “Of course, he wants to see me. I’m his favorite relative.”

“It’s fine, Felix.” He went in as Rainier rubbed his eyes.

“Mother wants to see you, and I told her what’s going on, but I convinced her to wait because she’d probably panic if she did. I don’t think you need more stress. We’re going home in a bit, so I said I’d come visit.”

“Thanks.”

She sat in the other rocking chair. “Are you eating?”

“Mhm.”

She folded her arms. “Did Felix talk to you about some stuff?”

“Yeah…”

“You are worried about your weight, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah…”

“Mother says Eliza’s too hard on you. She was hard on Addy too.”

“Felix says it’s abuse. Some of the things Mum has said to me and Addy…” He looked away. “Honestly, I haven’t been happy at home in a very long time.”

Natalie bit her lip. “You never said anything.”

He shrugged. “What was I supposed to say? If Mum found out, she’d be on my back about another thing and say I’m shaming her. Maybe she still hates me because I never said anything about my sister.”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

“Mum said it was.”

“Mother didn’t think so.”

“I don’t blame you because you were young too, and you’re a bit younger than me, but Aunt Betty never said anything against Mum as far as I know.”

“Maybe she’s afraid your Mum will get on her back. Also, Mother’s ashamed and doesn’t want to cause any strife.”

Rainier raised an eyebrow. “What on Earth would Betty have to be ashamed about? You? That was ages ago, and she never seemed-”

“It’s not me,” said Natalie. “She’s gained a bit over the years. She tries to lose weight sometimes, and she makes the cook at home give us bland meals when she’s trying. She’ll say she’ll stick to some food plan she created in her mind, but she never actually does it, and I don’t see how boring rice and chicken with no seasoning is going to help her lose weight. The rest of the time, the meals are still dull. Why do you think I eat so much when we come over? Your cook actually knows what seasoning is.”

He stared at her. “I thought you ate like that all of the time.”

“No! Mother thinks I’m naturally skinny or that I’ve got some secret, but I don’t always finish my meals at home because some of the stuff makes me want to gag. You try eating plain rice and dry chicken for several days on end. Mother makes me eat the same crap because she says I need to support her, and I can’t be eating something different. She doesn’t get that if she ate less, she could lose some weight. She thinks you’ve got some magic young person secret too. I know Mother eats in secret too. That’s why she’s ashamed, and your Mum makes her feel bad by basically existing while so thin.”

Dear Elira.

“Don’t you remember how dull the food was the last time you came over? That’s why we usually come here. Your Mum doesn’t want the food at our house.”

“I was what, eleven the last time we went? I don’t remember what we ate.”

“That’s probably for the best. Mother won’t even fire our cook because she’s old and needs the money.”

“I thought you ate big meals all day and stayed skinny,” said Rainier.

“Hardly. I can’t wait until I get married and move out. I’ll have a cook who knows what a damn peppercorn is.”

He chuckled, but it was a bit forced. “Our family is fucked up about food.”

Natalie paused. “I guess we are. I didn’t really think about that.”

Probably because it had started to seem normal. Rainier hadn’t even thought Mum’s treatment was abuse until Felix said something. Controlling his intake had become a part of his life to where he’d even lie if it meant keeping it the way he thought it should be.

“I can’t stay long because Mother wants to have lunch and get going,” said Natalie.

“How’s Mum?”

She made a doubtful noise. “A bit quiet. I can tell she’s definitely pissed although she didn’t mention you. I have no idea if her and Mother have spoken about this in private. Mother’s off too because she knows something is wrong, and she didn’t say it directly, but I think she’s mad at Eliza. Of course, she won’t stir up anything. Eat, Rainier. You’re not fat, and I want you to be better.”

She stood to kiss the side of his head. If only it was so easy.

“Oh, and maybe you should marry Felix since he came back for you. He’s cute too. If he was straight, I’d scoop him right up and take him home.”

Rainier laughed as he imagined Felix’s face if he was kidnapped by the Princess. He wouldn’t say he’d already sort of asked, and Felix had already sort of said yes. “I’ll think about it.”