Chapter 8

After a round of introductions,we dove right into business and got Mac and Zelda up to speed. Stress was high. When Wanda was stressed, she fed people. When I was stressed, I liked to eat. It was a win-win.

"Oh my Goddess. You cut the cheese and asphyxiated everyone?" Zelda asked Boba with a wince as we finished filling them in on the situation.

"Yes, he let one rip," Wanda confirmed with a chuckle. "It was a disgustingly fabulous finale to the very scary event."

Mac shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't get it. Why are they stopping in town? I had two humans stop by police headquarters this afternoon asking for directions. No one stops at headquarters. No human stops in Assjacket at all."

Zelda pulled Blythe onto her lap and began checking her injuries. "No one until today. The magic is wonky. I can feel it."

"Do I need to spread some more green goop?" Sassy questioned sleepily, leaning on Jeeves.

Zelda shook her head no, and carefully healed Blythe. "No. It would be a waste of goop. This feels different. It's not the balance of magic that's off, it's…"

"It's as if the glamour was removed," Mac finished her thought.

Gently putting Blythe down, Zelda picked up Annie Surely and examined her wounds. "Exactly. But was a glamour ever put on this town? I can't feel it if it was."

"Me neither," Sassy agreed. "If it was glamoured or warded, it wasn't a witch or warlock who did it. Should we consult Baba Yoknowitall?"

"Nope." Zelda put a healed Annie Surely down and gently patted her head. "This is my town and I'll solve the problem. Is there any record of the history of magic for the town?"

"Oh shit," I said with a mouth full of cookie. "Pun intended, by the way."

"Dude," Zelda said, eyeing me. "Swallow the cookie and finish the thought or you"re gonna lose a nard."

"I like her," Poutine said with a giggle. "She's vicious."

"Thank you," Zelda replied to Poutine. "I'm also materialistic, and I try to have a shitty attitude at all times. However, that's been a failure as of late. I'm too fucking happy."

Mac laughed and planted a kiss on the top of his mate's head. "Too bad. So sad. However, I think I know where Fat Bastard was going with his crappy pun."

"Youse just made a pun," I accused Mac with a chuckle.

"Yep. Couldn't help myself," Mac replied grinning. "As the story goes, there was an Assjackian historian who went by the name of Goober. He used the historical journals to wipe his ass when he ran out of toilet paper a few hundred years ago. Apparently, everyone was so pissed, he was chased out of town never to be heard from again."

"Goober, you say?" Poutine asked, her ears perking up with interest.

Mac nodded.

"Was he a Shifter?" Blythe inquired, glancing over at Poutine.

"Probably," Mac confirmed. "But it was before I was alive and the records are gone, so it's a guess on my part. Why?"

Annie Surely snapped her fingers and produced a little notebook, reading glasses and a pen. "Well," she said, flipping the pages. "While most Shifters don't match their names with their breed, those that begin with the letter G often do—gerbils, giraffes, gazelles, geckos, goldfish."

"Shut the front door," Zelda said with a grunt of disbelief. "There are goldfish shifters?"

Mac laughed. "Umm… no," he said. "However, the rest of the list is accurate."

"But Zorro is a goat Shifter," Sassy pointed out, mentioning one of the newest and best additions to Assjacket.

Blythe nodded thoughtfully. "Hmm… does he happen to be a fainting goat Shifter?"

"He does," Zelda said. "Does that make a difference?"

Annie Surely took notes and kept talking. "It does," she said. "Your friend Zorro isn't just a goat. He's a fainting goat so therefore, the lack of a G name makes sense. Is there anyone from Assjacket still alive who might have known this Goober with the dirty ass issue? I feel like it's a clue and possibly why we're here."

"You came here to teach me Canadian," Sassy said, falling asleep on Jeeves.

"Dat's true," I said, patting Sassy's head as she nodded off. "However, the dames are also here on behalf of the Goddess."

"Need a little more info on that," Zelda said, tense and beginning to spark.

Poutine quickly chimed in. My gal was a smart broad. When Zelda got an itchy trigger finger, the explosions were sure to follow.

"The Goddess was a bit cryptic," Poutine explained. "She told us to go to Assjacket, and that the key to history was in the name, then she asked us why women rub their eyes in the morning. She also said that toilet paper was expensive."

"Toilet paper is expensive," Sassy pointed out.

Zelda nodded her agreement with Sassy then took a stab at the riddle in the cryptic message. "Eye boogers?" Zelda guessed

"Possibly," Blythe said, wrinkling her nose. "But it doesn't connect. Unless eye boogers have something to do with the glamoured safety of Assjacket."

"I hope not," Zelda muttered. "That would be all kinds of gross."

Mac sat down next to Zelda and squinted across the table at Jeeves. "Have you seen Fucking Derrick lately?"

"Umm… that's kind of rude," Zelda said.

"Not rude at all," Wanda chimed in as she passed a plate of chocolate chip cookies around. "That's his name. Fucking Derrick. He's at least a thousand years old if he's a day."

"How is it dat I've lived here for a few years and didn't know dat weese had a Shifter in town named Fuckin' Derrick?" I asked, taking the plate off of Wanda's hands and setting it right in front of me.

"Not a Shifter," Jeeves said with a slight shudder.

"Fuckin' Derrick is a warlock?" I asked, making sure Poutine and the gals had as many cookies as they wanted.

"Not a warlock," Mac said, not hiding his shudder at all.

Zelda rolled her eyes so hard I was sure they were going to get stuck. The dames were wildly impressed.

"Mmkay," she said flatly. "Since I'm clearly not getting laid tonight, I'm grumpy and not in the mood to play the guessing game. That's Sassy's thing and she's sound asleep. Someone needs to tell me what Fucking Derrick's species is."

"Fucking Derrick is a troll," Mac said with a groan. "And I'm not sure he's still alive. Haven't seen the tiny guy in at least a decade—angriest little bastard I've ever had to deal with."

"Youse are shittin' me," I said, impressed. "I heard dat trolls was extinct."

"They might be if Fucking Derrick has passed," Jeeves said, cradling Sassy in his arms. "I'm going to get my gal home. Let me know the plan, and I'll be ready."

"Go," Mac said. "I'll call you if I need you."

Jeeves nodded to all. "It was lovely meeting you Poutine, Blythe, and Annie Surely. Welcome to Assjacket and sorry we're a mess at the moment."

Jeeves, holding a sleeping Sassy, quietly walked out of the diner and into the night.

"So, we're about to turn over some rocks to find a troll named Fucking Derrick?" Zelda asked Mac with a laugh.

"Looks like it," he said. "It's a long shot. Not even sure he'll know anything helpful even if he is alive."

"But since the clues we have suck ass, we have to start somewhere," Zelda pointed out. "Poutine, tell me again what the Goddess said."

"She said that the key to history was in the name and then she asked us why women rub their eyes in the morning. And of course, that toilet paper is expensive."

Zelda groaned. "That's about as clear as mud. What is it with magic weirdos who wear embarrassingly high-waisted jeans and have soccer mom haircuts being so dang cryptic?"

Everyone, including Zelda, jerked their gaze to the ceiling in terror. The Goddess wasn't particularly easy going about her fashion choices and Zelda had no filter. Holding our breath, we waited for the Goddess to zap the shit out of Zelda.

"Maybe she's sleeping," Wanda whispered, still looking up.

"Or she's giving you a pass," Mac suggested with a shrug.

Zelda shot him a glare. "Why would the Goddess give me a pass? She never gives me a freakin' pass. I have a permanent scar on my left butt cheek to prove it."

"Maybe because she knows what a little shit Fucking Derrick is and she feels bad for you," Wanda surmised.

"Fucking Derrick is that bad?" Zelda asked, paling a little.

"He's that bad," Mac confirmed.

"Youse want us to help search?" I asked.

"We would be happy to aid you," Poutine added.

"No, but thanks," Zelda said, closing her eyes for a brief moment. "Fat Bastard, take the gals to our home. My dad is with the kids. I want extra protection on Henry and Audrey tonight. All of this is making me itchy."

"Roger dat," I said, taking Poutine's paw in mine. "Weese will guard the house and dem babies till youse find Fuckin' Derrick and shake him down for info."

And maybe we'd find a little time to play kissy face with the dames.