Chapter 7

The insideof the Assjacket Diner was as delightful as the two Shifters who owned and ran it. DeeDee the deer Shifter and Wanda the raccoon Shifter were the best. The gals turned a blind eye to the fact that we regularly pilfered baked goods. That's what I called classy—the owners and the joint.

"Wanda, youse hot patootie!" I yelled as we entered the diner. "Youse got some cheesecake for me and my pals?"

Wanda laughed and eyed the new gals with curiosity. "Don't I always have cheesecake for you, Fat Bastard?"

"Dat youse do," I said gallantly as I led the gals over to a large six top table.

The Assjacket Diner was full of charming décor and freaking delicious aromas. The tables were all dark heavy wood covered in charming Shabby Chic-ish tablecloths and kitschy mismatched napkins. A little girly for my taste, but the food was to die for—especially the cheesecake. Floral teacups and saucers like a grandma should have sat atop the tables and screamed for the Shifters and witches to drink from them with an extended pinkie.

While we could hold a cup as well as any witch or Shifter, Wanda kept special kitty saucers for us to drink from. Without missing a beat, she placed a saucer of sweet cream in front of each of us.

Blythe shot a covert glance at Poutine. Poutine was delightfully shocked. Annie Surely's mouth hung open. Maybe Sassy had been wrong about Canadians. Maybe they weren't as nice as the fantastic idiots in Assjacket.

Maybe the dames wouldn't want to leave…

"I'm Wanda," Wanda told the gals as she served up huge hunks of cheesecake. "You must be Sassy's Canadian tutors."

"We are," Annie Surely said, purring her content as Wanda gave her a scratch on the head. "And full disclosure, we're also cat burglars. But we're not here to steal anything—just here to tutor Sassy and check on a few things for the Goddess."

Wanda leaned in and smiled. "Thank you," she whispered. "Sassy is so happy she can speak the language now. However, all the talk about boots is a little much."

"Sorry aboot that," Blythe said with a laugh.

"Not to worry," Wanda assured her, grinning. "Anyone who makes our Sassy feel on top of the world is good in my book. And dessert is on me." She eyed me and the boys with amusement. "Not that you would have paid anyway."

On that slightly embarrassing note, she winked.

"Wanda?" Poutine asked as she walked away. "Do you happen to know why women rub their eyes in the morning?"

Wanda thought about it for a moment then shook her head. "Sorry, sweetie, I don't."

"No big deal," Poutine said. "Just thought I'd ask."

My gal was trying to figure out the cryptic message from the Goddess. I'd help my lady get to the bottom of it. I might not pay for my meals, but I was a damn good partner in crime when it came to solving magical mysteries.

"I love it here," Blythe announced, slurping loudly from her saucer of cream.

"Me too," Annie Surely added, peeking over at Poutine.

Poutine shrugged with boredom, and I grinned.

So far, so good.

"Where did Sassy go?" I called out to Wanda, looking around the empty diner.

"Jeeves is in the kitchen cooking up a storm for tomorrow," Wanda said as she wiped down a few tables. "She went back to display her new language skills and most likely to make out."

"Youse closin' soon?" Jango asked Wanda.

"Yep, but take your time," she replied. "Gotta do inventory tonight, and DeeDee has the evening off. I'll be here for another hour or two."

A wonky day had come to a perfect end.

Almost.

Nothing good lasts forever. I just wish it would last for more than twenty-four fucking hours before it blew up.

They walked in the front door looking surprised and confused. There were three of them. A mother, a father and a spoiled rotten female kid. Humans.

"Da fuck?" Boba choked out.

"What's wrong?" Annie Surely asked, glancing around in confusion.

"They never come here," Boba whispered, pointing at the trio. "Never."

"Dis is bad," I muttered. "Very f-in' bad."

"Oh my goodness gracious," the woman cried out, whipping out her cell phone to snap pictures. "This place is so charming. I just love it!"

"Are you open?" the man called out to a wildly alarmed Wanda.

"Umm… I was just…" Wanda trailed off, unsure how to respond.

"Great," the man said. "We'll grab a table."

"I'm hungry," the kid whined. "I want to eat. NOW."

"We will, honey," the woman assured her mollycoddled spawn then turned to Wanda. "We're in a bit of a hurry. Get someone over here to take our order immediately."

"Service here is crappy," the man muttered, checking his phone.

"What do you expect," the woman snapped. "They're rednecks."

I wanted to zap the shit out of the humans for being rude to Wanda, but that would give away a secret that wasn't mine to give.

Wanda was still frozen in her spot, unsure of how to handle something that had never occurred. Humans never stopped in Assjacket. And if they did, they'd never stepped foot into one of our establishments. The town looked like shit for a reason. What in the Goddess's mom jeans was happening?

"Get down on the floor," I hissed frantically at my dessert companions. "Dem's humans. It don't look right if cats is sittin' at a table eatin'."

Without a word of complaint or any backtalk at all, we slipped out of our chairs and under the table. We couldn't even help Wanda. Talking cats were a big fucking no-no.

"What do weese do?" Boba Fett asked, pulling on his whiskers and peeking out at the hot mess.

"Weese can't say nothin," I ordered, freaking out. "They can't have no clue about the magic. They ain't supposed to be here. Somethin' bad is happenin' in Assjacket."

"Look at me, Fat Bastard," Poutine hissed. "There is more than one way to skin a cat. If you can't use magic, you use something else."

Next thing I knew, she'd punched me right in the kisser. I saw f-in' stars. Poutine had one hell of a right hook. Normally, I'd find that hot. Right now, I was grateful the dame pulled me back to reality.

"Text your witch," Poutine whispered. "Tell her we need backup who can talk to humans and make them leave. Blythe and Annie Surely get ready to stage a cat fight. Make sure you use claws and draw copious amounts of blood. Jango, groom yourself. Swallow enough fur so you can hurl an enormous slimy hairball. Boba, what disgusting talent do you have?"

"Youse name it, I can do it," he promised.

Poutine sized him up as I watched in admiration and amazement. My dame was badass under pressure.

"Can you pass wind on command?" she asked.

Boba laughed. "I fart like a champion."

"Understatement," I said, patting my comrade with pride.

"Outstanding," Poutine said, all business. It was hotter than Satan's underpants. "Boba, slink under the tables and place yourself strategically near the humans. When Jango pukes up the ball," she began only to be cut off by a horrified squeak from Jango.

"Whoa. I thought weese was talking a hairball, not my giggle nuggets," he said, paling under his fur. "I'm all for bein' a team player, but if possible, I'd like to keep my nards."

"Hairball," Poutine said with an eye roll.

"Got it," Jango said as he began grooming himself like his life depended on it—which it very well might.

Poutine continued as cool as a cucumber. "So, Jango will hurl the hairball when Blythe and Annie Surely start choking each other. Boba, you will then blow a room clearing stinky. Got it?"

"Roger dat," Jango said with a mouth full of fur.

The others nodded and waited for a signal to begin.

Poutine patted Boba on the head. "Boba, you move now. When you're set, the rest will follow."

"Youse got it, boss," he said and slunk away.

"Poutine, youse and me will head for the back room and hit the fuse box. No electricity, no service."

She nodded. Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

"Mom, there's a kitty," the awful human child squealed, pointing at Boba, who didn't slink with his usual finesse. "I want it. I want to keep it."

"Oh darling," the woman said, eyeing Boba with a sour expression on her face. "We can't have a cat. I'm allergic, and they're filthy animals."

"I WANT IT," the spawn of the underworld screeched.

The woman looked to the man. He shrugged and pulled out a fat wallet filled with bills. "How much for your cat?" he asked Wanda.

"Cat's not for sale," Wanda told him firmly.

He laughed. "Come on. Everything"s for sale, lady. How much?"

Wanda stood taller and eyed the rude human with distaste. "I told you the cat is not for sale, mister. And the diner is closed."

"Hey now," the man said, flashing a few hundred-dollar bills. "We just want a bite to eat. I understand the cat isn't for sale. No harm. No foul."

"I want that cat," the child wailed.

Patting the horrible little human's back, the mother whispered, "Don't cry. We'll take the cat when we leave. That mean lady won't even notice. No one tells us no."

"Like hell they will," I hissed, debating how criminal it would be if I pilfered the asshole's loaded wallet once the lights went out. I was supposed to be living on the right side of the law this week.

"Wouldn't be criminal at all," Poutine said with a grin. "I'll be your second and we can split the take."

"Did youse just read my mind?" I asked, shocked and delighted.

"Maybe," she said with a wink. "I know how you think, Fat Bastard."

"How do youse know?" I asked, more in love with the felonious feline than I thought possible.

"Because great minds think alike," she purred sexily then became all business again. "Everyone… go."

I'd never witnessed such a shitshow without an ounce of magic involved in all my years. Neither had Wanda. She dropped into a chair and hid her face in her hands to disguise her laughter. No one was gonna mess with the best cheesecake maker in the Universe—not on my stolen watch.

Jango coughed and hacked like he was a ten pack a day smoker. Staggering around the room like he was gonna die, he stopped right at the feet of the horrified human woman. He looked up at her innocently then ralphed a gelatinous, phlegmy globe of skank like I'd never seen. The size of the hairball he puked up belonged in the record books. I'd never been so proud or grossed out by my buddy. Even Poutine couldn't hold back a few sympathy gags.

Blythe and Annie Surely were fucking maniacs. The broads took Poutine at her word when she'd requested copious amounts of blood. Wanda was gonna have to do a major mop to clean up the sticky mess. And I thought our fights were violent… We didn't hold a candle to the savage she-devils. It was bloody poetry in motion. The humans were terrified.

However, the shining moment of the entire presentation was compliments of my man Boba. With his fat ass positioned high and his bunghole aimed perfectly, he shot a stinky that singed my nose hairs. The cat's sphincter was positively vicious. The screaming that ensued—by all of us, including Wanda—was music to my ears even if the aroma permanently damaged my nostrils.

There wasn't even time to shut off the lights. And because of Boba's outstanding anal audio vapor loaf, it didn't matter. The unruly pampered shit of a kid screeched and hightailed it out of the diner, followed by her overindulgent mother. The father was dry heaving and trying to stand up.

"Give me your back paw," Poutine insisted.

"Why?" I asked, confused.

"Just do it," she hissed.

Far be it from me to deny my dame anything. I put my foot into her paws, and she launched me like a grenade across the diner. I landed with a thud right in the middle of the human's table and hissed at the man like I had rabies.

His eyes grew huge, and he fell backwards in his chair, hitting the ground like a sack of potatoes. He crawled out of the diner on all fours whimpering like a loser.

However, his wallet didn't make it. It was now safely in my possession thanks to my brilliant broad. Normally, I didn't like to share my loot, but this time was different. Poutine could have the whole f-in' take. That was how much I loved her.

"Oh my Goddess," Wanda choked out, crying she was laughing so hard. "You've earned yourselves a cheesecake every day for the rest of your lives. Thank you. I wasn't sure what to do."

"Our pleasure, dollface," I said, checking on Annie Surely and Blythe who were healing slowly. It was a good thing Zelda was on the way. She could wanker the dames right back to perfection.

"What's all the noise aboot, eh?" Sassy asked, running out of the kitchen with Jeeves right behind her.

Jeeves gagged. "And what's that smell?"

They were an excellent couple. Sassy was a hot blonde dame with nice hooters and Jeeves was a good-looking kangaroo Shifter. Although, his fashion sense was a little iffy. This evening the man was wearing lime green jockey breeches with a yellow tank top and purple converse tennis shoes. It didn't matter. He was the nicest fuckin' kangaroo in the Universe—never had an unkind word for anyone.

"I farted," Boba admitted with a grin as Annie Surely gazed at him with an expression of pride and adoration on her bloody mug.

"That was certainly some fart," Jeeves said with a chuckle. "You okay? You need some seltzer or a cracker to settle your stomach?"

"No, he doesn't," Wanda said, running her hands through her hair and sighing. "Boba's anal acoustics saved the day. There were humans in here."

Sassy and Jeeves froze and glanced around in shock.

"In here?" Sassy asked. "Inside the diner?"

Wanda nodded and began to pace. "Yes. It makes no sense. The town is glamoured to keep humans away. I mean, I thought it was."

Jeeves righted the chairs and got everyone a nice hot cup of tea.

"The history has been lost—no way of knowing how the town was protected," Jeeves said as he made sure everyone was comfortable then sat next to Sassy and held her close. "As the story goes, the historian who was keeping the books used the pages as sanitary paper."

"Youse are tellin' me some numbnuts wiped his ass with the sacred history of Assjacket?" I asked, pulling a Jeeves and putting my arm around Poutine. She hissed a little but didn't coldcock me. I considered it a win.

"History?" Poutine asked, thinking aloud. "Do you happen to know the name or species of the historian who wiped his ass with the past? This information might pertain to something the Goddess sent us here to do."

My gal was as hot and hairy as she was smart.

"I'm sorry I don't," Jeeves said, shaking his head. "It was before my time, but that's the rumor."

"What was before your time?" Zelda asked as she and Mac burst through the front door of the diner.

Zelda glanced around at all the blood, winced at the hairball then eyeballed the new cats in town. Her brow raised as she noticed that me and the boys had each staked our claim and were protecting them. Not that the dames needed protection. After what I saw tonight, I was pretty sure they could hand us our fat asses.

"Somebody start talking," Zelda said, pulling up a chair and joining the group. "Now."

"Humans was in town," I told her as her eyes grew wide. "And they came into the diner."

Zelda glanced up at Mac, who stood behind her with an expression of surprise and anger. "Mother humper," she muttered as her fingers began to spark. "We have a problem."