Midlife is madness and the crisis is expensive… to my sanity.

Just when I think everything is calming down, it ramps back up to eleven. On what should be one of the happiest and most romantic days of my life, the unthinkable happens.

The ghosts I’d so kindly guided into the Light showed up on my front porch, including my dead husband.

Something or someone is messing with the balance and if it’s not remedied, the Darkness will destroy the world.

I really don’t have time for that crap.

With the love of my Immortal life and my batsh*t crazy friends by my side, I’ll take on the Higher Power and show It a thing or two; like what true faith means. No one is going to play life and death games with me. If they do… they’ll lose.

Wish me luck, because this time next week, I plan to be having the time of my midlife.

Just when I thought I’d get a vacation with the love of my undead life, my life blows up. Again.

Sun and naughty fun is off the docket. Eliminating deadly Dhampirs is at the top of the to-do list. Crap.

How in the ever-loving heck does a bloody note written on a paper towel and rag magazines left by Satan turn into a Vamp-hunt for idiots who think creating Dhampirs to attain world domination is a smooth move? The secret life of the entire Vampyre species is now on the line.

Welcome to my Hell on Earth.

With an insane crew of two warriors who don’t know their heads from their rear ends, a Demon who can break glass with her voice, Martha and Jane—who are foul-mouthed and clothing-impaired, and a tiny Vamp with fangs as big as her body, I’m going to solve the problem come Hell or high water. Hopefully it’s just high water. I could do without the Hell part…

I’m ready to rumble and ready to win. The stakes are too high to lose. Plus, I need a freaking vacation. Work before play. We just need to survive it first.

A dare is a dare.

No self-respecting, slightly chubby, good-lookin', crime lovin' cat would ever pass up a dare. So I didn't.

Now, me and my boys are in hot water trying to figure out how to live on the right side of the law for a whole freakin' week!

This is complicated by a couple of hairy issues… — The half-headed bear in town had his privates pilfered. We have vowed to return his giggleberries. Legal means are not working. — Sassy's Canadian tutors show up—the very same furry, cat-burgling dames who we've been in love with our entire nine lives. In order to woo the gorgeous broads, we need to be at our criminal best. — We need the help of a foul-mouthed troll who throws tantrums like a three-year-old serial killer and wants to bump off everyone.

Throw in a cryptic message from the Goddess, humans invading our town and evil, sticky-fingered groundhogs, and we have a hot mess on our paws. I hope we have a few of our kitty lives left because the Bad Boys of Assjacket are going to save the day or get eighty-sixed trying.

An unemployed actress turned Demon Goddess ends up with another Goddess treating her brain like a vacation rental. Sounds like a log line from a crappy B-Movie, right? Well, unfortunately, this horror flick is reality TV at its most dramatic.

Welcome to B*tch Goddess Cecily's World.

Lights. Camera. Action!

The show must go on…even if it takes a U-turn into Hell. I have too much to lose if Pandora wins. With the love of my demonic life by my side, along with the profane, toothpick-loving Keeper of Fate, and a cast of inappropriate characters, I'm going to embrace this starring role. I have to. If I can't solve the problem of unboxing the box, my life as I know it will be over. No TV show, no close-up, and, definitely, no Emmy.

So, I'm onto my next gig. I have no clue how the episode will end. If I go down, I go down fighting. Forget the blaze of glory. This finale will be the blaze of my life.