Chapter 6

"I'd like to propose a toast,"Poutine said, raising her can of Beth's Blackout Oyster Stout high. "To Assjacket, cryptic messages from the fabulous Goddess and old friends who may or may not survive the night."

The dame had a way with words that made my heart skip a terrified and joyous beat. While Sassy and the gals sipped on beer, me and the boys stuck to water. We couldn't risk another brain-pickling. We had sexy, hairy, female criminals to woo.

The sun setting on the horizon resembled a beautiful big orange and pink testicle. Poutine's white fur glistened in the early evening glow. I knew I could happily stare at her thieving, lying face for the rest of my nine lives and be a very happy cat.

"So, let me get this straight," Sassy said, handing out sandwiches as we sat on the bench under Sturgill and watched the sunset. "You're Canadian cat burglar tutors, eh?"

"No," Poutine explained patiently for the fourth time to a confused Sassy. "We're Canadian language tutors who are also cat burglars."

"World-renowned cat burglars," Jango added with pride.

That got a smirk from all three dames. Jango had always been smooth with the ladies, but he was outdoing himself this fine evening.

"That's wonderful," Sassy said with complete sincerity. "Which means I'll learn aboot cat burgling Canadians?"

"Say yes. Trust me. This shit could go on for days," I muttered to Poutine, scarfing my sandwich and going for another.

It was clear that Sassy hadn't made the sandwiches because they were edible. Her mate Jeeves, a good man, was a kangaroo Shifter and chef who had obviously saved us all from food poisoning. Sassy burned water.

"Umm… yes," Poutine said, following my advice. "That's correct."

Sassy squealed. "That is so exciting! After I learn Canadian, I'm going to become fluent in British. Do any of you furry gals speak British?"

Poutine, Annie Surely and Blythe looked puzzled. Sassy was good like that. She was a weapon of mass confusion.

"I plan to learn all the languages of the world," Sassy went on, not needing an answer to any of her questions. "Canadian has stymied me. It's complicated—so much ado aboot boots."

Blythe laughed and patted Sassy's head. "It's very much like American just add aboot and eh to most of your sentences and you've got it."

Sassy was flabbergasted. "Do you mean to tell me I'm already fluent in Canadian, eh?"

"Yes," Annie Surely said.

"Oh my Goddess," Sassy screamed, jumping to her feet and knocking the picnic basket to the ground. Sadness overwhelmed me as she stepped on and destroyed the delicious looking blueberry pie that was supposed to be dessert. "You gals are the best tutors I've ever had. Not that I've ever had tutors, per se, but you rock!"

"Our pleasure," Poutine said. "You are an excellent student."

Sassy blushed profusely at the praise and shook her head. "I'm really not. People don't think I'm smart. No, wait… Actually, I don't think I'm smart—I can't spell and I mess shit up all the time. But everyone in Assjacket loves me just the way I am." She glanced up at the beautiful sunset and wrapped her arms around herself. Sassy's voice lowered to a whisper. "That never happened until I came here—people loving me with no strings attached. I'm ninety percent sure with a twenty-three percent chance of error minus thirty-one percent plus twelve and three-fourths percent chance that I love myself too. Assjacket is magic. The real deal. So, I suppose learning to speak in tongues is for me, not to prove anything, you feel me? I don't have to prove myself to anyone anymore."

There was a long moment of enchanted silence. The sunset blazed a brighter pink and a mist of glittering lavender sparkles rained down from the darkening clouds. The Goddess agreed.

The furry dames were seriously moved and rubbed themselves on Sassy's nice gams. Poutine was purring and not one claw was out. Blythe and Annie Surely had the most pleasant expressions I'd ever witnessed on the broads. Sassy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she was gorgeous inside and out.

The nutty witch's honesty was humbling. "Youse might not be able to spell, but youse can knock down a building better than a fuckin' demolition team," I told Sassy.

She gave me a little grin and a giggle. "I am kinda good at that."

"Amazing," Blythe purred.

"And youse was an f-in' star in dem Assjacket Community Theatre shitshows," Jango added. "The way youse remembered dem lines without having to write dem down on your hand was incredible."

"Thank you," Sassy said as her smile grew.

"Ohhhhh," Annie Surely said, clapping her paws together. "We would love to see you act."

"And youse adopted dem chipmunks when nobody else would," Boba reminded her. "Dat was some crazy shit, but youse became a mom of four fuzzy weirdos who are old enough to be your great grandpappies. Dat takes nards and smarts. Youse have kept dem fuckers alive for years. Don't youse forget dat."

"I have," Sassy said with a wide grin. "I think I might be kind of awesome! Jeeves loves me, and he's the nicest man in the Universe."

"And one of the luckiest," Poutine said. "You are quite fabulous, Sassy."

"Goddess," Sassy muttered, sitting down on the pie she'd stepped on without noticing. "I freaking love Assjacket. And…"

"And?" I asked, ready to pump Sassy up some more if she needed it.

"And," she said, looking down and wincing. "There's something squishy under my bottom."

"Dat was dessert," Jango told her, waving his paw and making the blueberry mess disappear.

"Ohhh," Sassy said with an embarrassed giggle. "I'm so sorry aboot that, eh. How aboot we go over to the Assjacket Diner and have some cheesecake, eh? It would be aboot the worst thing ever if we didn't end the evening with dessert, eh?"

"Youse got yourself a deal, dollface," I said, chuckling.

"Awesome!" Sassy said, wiggling her fingers and cleaning up the rest of the picnic mess along with the remnants of our massive billboard she'd destroyed earlier. "Did any of you guys catch how much Canadian I just used?"

"We did," Poutine said with a laugh. "Such a smart witch."

Sassy squealed and skipped down the deserted Main Street toward the diner.

"She's truly lovely," Poutine said as we all followed. "Is everyone here just like her?"

I chuckled and wrapped my tail around her furry shoulders, hoping the move wouldn't mean I was about to lose a nard. "Nobody is quite like Sassy," I said. "The Goddess broke the mold after she created dat gal, but the rest of the idiots in town are just as special."

Poutine glanced over at me with a look I couldn't decipher. But at least she didn't slice off a giblet. Things were looking up.

"Do youse like cheesecake?" I asked, as we moseyed over to the diner. "Wanda the raccoon Shifter makes the best cheesecake in the Universe."

"I'm liking a lot of things about Assjacket," Poutine muttered with an eye roll.

Her gals giggled and nodded. They also rolled their eyes. Jango waggled his brows and Boba whistled a happy tune.

As good as life had been for us in Assjacket, it had just gotten a whole lot better.