Chapter 9

"Unbelievable,"Fabio said with a shocked and delighted laugh as he stared at the full house Blythe had slapped down on the card table. "Have you lost a hand yet?"

"We cheat," Annie Surely said with a giggle.

"I do too," Fabio said, shaking his head in wonder. "Never have I had my ass handed to me like this during a poker game in all my centuries—very impressive."

"Thank you," Blythe purred,

The dames cheated at cards better than we did and that was high fucking praise. Fabio was floored by their scam artist skills. And Fabio would know. The warlock was one of the most famous swindlers in the Universe.

Poutine purred and smiled as she counted the chips that she and her gals had hoodwinked out of us. I beamed with pride that my gal was such a conniving crook.

My dame looked right at home in the Kick-ass Cat Pad, and I felt an unfamiliar pang of melancholy. Our home had never seemed so right until this very moment. My boys felt it too. I could tell by the way Jango let his gut hang out—literally—and Boba's cat-ate-the-canary smile never left his mug. I wanted the dames to stay. Forever. Assjacket had to be way better than Canada even with the human shitshow going on. I could talk about boots all day if that made the cats feel at home. Hell, I'd steal them a damn boot factory.

It was an excellent idea. I'd have to share it with my boys later.

Although, we might have to kidnap them. They'd understand. The broads were as criminal as we were. The thought calmed me and made me happy.

"Zelda looks just like you," Poutine told Fabio as she studied his face.

"That she does," Fabio agreed with a dazed smile, still stunned at the amount of money he'd just lost. "My son Zach does too. They're my pride and joy."

"Youse are a great dad," I said, patting one of my favorite people on the back.

The warlock truly was a great dad. The moment he'd found out about Zelda, he'd searched high and low for his daughter. Having no luck, he went to her sorry excuse of a mother and the vile abomination cursed him with a spell. Fabio had been turned into a cat and had to earn Zelda's love without revealing who he was. Of course, Zelda had accidentally mowed him down with her car three times and did a stint in the magical pokey for it. Luckily, cats have nine fucking lives, and Fabio hadn't kicked the bucket after all. In the end, it turned out peachy. When Fabio was dying in his cat form, Zelda finally admitted her love for him. Before our eyes, he"d morphed right back into his human form… in his birthday suit. Zelda had been in therapy for a few years over that one. Seeing your dad's Johnson wasn't the most auspicious beginning, but they worked it out.

Then Zach was discovered. That story was a little more tragically complicated, but they were now a wonderfully happy and extremely dysfunctional family. And while Fabio had it bad for his kids, he was over the moon about his grandchildren.

Fabio winced. "Not exactly a great father," he contradicted me. "However, I'm working on making it up to them."

"Youse are doin' a bang-up job," Jango assured him. "Youse didn't know about Zelda and Zach. Once youse did, youse stepped up and loved dem kids hard."

Boba nodded and gave Fabio a thumbs up. "Dat's right. Dem kids are lucky mother humpers. Me and my brothers in crime started our life starvin' in a gutter after bein' beat to shit and escapin' the bag weese was shoved into. Dat's why weese like havin' a little extra meat on us now," he explained, slapping his big belly with pride. "Just in case the food runs out, youse know? Used to be a little self-conscious about my sexy, flabby jiggle, but I just figure there's more of me to love. Took us three f-in' days to claw our way out of dat bag and swim out of the river weese was tossed into. Talk about suckin' bunghole. Swimmin' is for dogs, not for cats."

The room went silent. Fabio glanced up at the ceiling, sad and pained. Annie Surely wiped a tear from her eye and Blythe stared at the floor. Only Poutine looked straight at us. Her expression was filled with pity. I didn't like to be pitied. We'd turned out just fine—relatively speaking. Our past was the past and I liked leaving it there. Boba had done some therapy with Roger the fucking rabbit and was more open to exploring our shitty beginnings. Me? I was more of a block-it-out kind of guy.

"Dat's a hilarious story," I shouted, forcing a laugh while giving Boba an I'm about to remove your nards with a dull butterknife look. "Boba has one hell of an imagination."

"Yeah," Jango chimed in, not making eye contact with anyone. "Dat Boba is a laugh fuckin' riot."

Boba looked wildly confused, but went with the flow. "Right," he quickly added. "Musta gotten a horror movie mixed up with real life. I'm such a dumb mug. My bad."

No one believed a word of our pathetic cover-up. Normally we were smooth liars—had to be. We could goof with the best of them, but we were clearly off our game. A change of subject was in order. We'd gone from the joy of cheating to harsh reality. Not a good way to woo the she-devils.

"Fabio, my man," I said, avoiding Poutine's intense stare. "Do youse happen know a troll who goes by the name Fuckin' Derrick?"

Fabio paled considerably and shuddered. "Derrick or Fucking Derrick?"

"Fuckin' Derrick," I confirmed.

"Are you positive?" Fabio asked, worried. "Absolutely positive?"

It was becoming increasingly clear that old Fucking Derrick was a f-ing nightmare. Whatever. We'd dealt with all kinds of asshats in our time. How bad could Fucking Derrick be?

"Yep, I'm sure."

Fabio sighed, put his elbows on the custom card table we'd stolen and rested his chin in his hands. "Unfortunately, yes. I know him. Why?"

The dame's ears perked up and our sad past was forgotten for now. Annie Surely clapped her toe beans together and produced her little notebook, pen and readers.

With her pen poised over the paper, she began to grill Fabio. "Is he still alive?"

"Yes," Fabio replied tightly.

"Is he in Assjacket?" Blythe asked.

"Again, unfortunately, yes," he said, looking a bit confused. "Why? If you're thinking about finding him, I'd recommend against it. Fucking Derrick is an asshole."

"Weese heard dat," I said, realizing Fabio didn't know what was going on. "Weese have a little story to tell youse."

Fabio sat up straight and took in the worried expressions on all of our mugs. "Does this story have a happy ending?"

Lying wasn't an option right now, even though it would be a hell of a lot easier. "Remains to be seen," I admitted.

Glancing over at the baby monitor to confirm his grandbabies were still sleeping soundly, he nodded. "And your story will explain why you have the death wish of locating Fucking Derrick?"

"Yep," I said.

Fabio shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "I'm all ears. Tell me this story."