Chapter 10

The atmospherein the room had done a three-sixty. There was enough magic to choke a fella. Poutine, Annie Surely and Blythe were awed by the new arrival and had bowed low when she'd poofed in with so much lime green glitter we would be vacuuming it up for a f-ing year.

We'd told the entire story twice. Once to Fabio and then again to Baba Yaga. As soon as we'd finished sharing the shitshow with Fabio, he'd insisted that Baba Yaga be brought in on it.

"That just won't do—won't do at all," Baba Yaga, aka Carol, snapped, pacing the Kick-ass Cat Pad and magically enhancing the décor in her stress. "Humans can't know about Assjacket. All the magic in the Universe hinges on our secrecy."

"Weese are gonna solve it," I promised. I was pretty sure the crazy dame didn't hear me—just kept pacing the room and yacking to herself.

"I do love the shag carpet," she muttered as she stared at it. "But the green has got to go."

With a wave of her hand the grassy green carpet we'd begged for turned into glittering rainbow strands. It was fucking heinous, but I wasn't in the mood to be electrocuted by pointing it out.

While I didn't mind new shit in the Cat Pad, the massive disco ball now hanging from the ceiling was a little much. However, I kept my trap shut when I noticed how much Poutine and the gals seemed to like it. And I did have to admit, I was digging on the pyramid of lava lamps and bean bag chairs.

Baba Yaga's warning about the magic made me a little itchy, though.

"Carol," Fabio said, grabbing her hand and pulling her onto his lap. "Calm down. Zelda and Mac are searching for Fucking Derrick. They'll find him and get to the bottom of it. I'm sure of that."

Baba Yaga shook her head and scooped up a surprised Poutine. Absently stroking my dame, she worried her bottom lip. "Bad idea to let Zelda near Fucking Derrick. He'll try to kill her, and she'll blast his rude tiny ass into the Next Adventure. If we're dealing with a dead Fucking Derrick, we'll never find out if the little shit can help. It's just a terrible plan."

"Whoa there, Baba Yobadnews. Fuckin' Derrick is gonna try to off Zelda?" I asked as the hair on the back of my neck shot up and my boys began to growl and hiss.

Baba Yaga shrugged her slim shoulders and shook her head. Not a single hair moved. It was sprayed into an eighties hair-do that defied gravity. Not to mention, her purple spandex pants and off-the-shoulder ripped sweatshirt were all kinds of wrong. Amazingly, the hot babe made it work.

"Fucking Derrick tries to kill everyone," Baba Yaga said in an ominous tone.

I didn't like that one bit. "Dat's not workin' for me."

"Me neither," Jango Fett hissed.

"Dat's not gonna happen," Boba Fett joined in. "Zelda is our witch. I'll eighty-six any mother f-er who tries to hurt our insane nutjob."

"Good boys." Baba Yaga gave us a curt nod then turned her attention to the cat in her lap. "You do realize you've arrived a bit early," Baba Yaga told Poutine. "I'm not due to retire for a least another few decades."

"What?" Poutine asked, confused.

"No worries," Baba said, patting her head and nodding to Annie Surely and Blythe. "We can get started with your training sooner rather than later."

"Training?" Blythe asked as perplexed as Poutine.

"But of course," Baba Yaga said.

Annie Surely tilted her head and gaped at the crazy witch. "I'm sorry, you must be mistaking us for different Canadian cats."

Baba Yaga stamped her foot and set the shag carpet on fire. "I am never mistaken."

Fabio wiggled his fingers and doused the flames with an indulgent smile for his certifiable lover. Baba Yaga made Zelda look easy.

Pointing a highly manicured nail at each of the dames, she cocked her finger and drew them in. "When I retire as Baba Yaga and Zelda takes over, I'll be more of a pedestrian witch, so to speak."

Everyone was still confused. Baba was good like that. It was far different from Sassy's gift of leaving everyone speechless. Baba Yaga knew exactly what she was doing at all times.

"Is there more to that story?" Poutine inquired carefully.

"Isn't there always?" Baba Yaga shot back with a mischievous grin. "When I retire my bobble-headed warlock minions will retire as well—thank the Goddess. Those nosey little men drive me nuts. I'm constantly tripping over them—very inconvenient."

Baba paused and enjoyed the mass bewilderment she was creating.

"I see," Annie Surely lied, covertly glancing over at her gals.

"Do you?" Baba inquired.

Poutine rolled her eyes. "No. We don't. Get to the point, lady."

You could hear a pin drop. The silence was deafening, and the terror was real. No one talked to the supreme leader of the witches like that and lived to tell.

Diving like the Devil was on my ass trying to steal my Johnson pillow, I landed on top of Poutine to save her from the wrath of Carol. I'd had a good life, and I was fairly positive I had at least one left. If I didn't, it would be worth it to die for the dame I loved. No question about it.

Baba Yaga's delighted laugh rang out. The broad was nuts.

"Perfect," she trilled. "Fat Bastard, that was so sweet."

"Dat was sweet?" I asked, a little worried I'd crushed the love of my life.

"Yes!" Baba Yaga shoved me off of her lap and made sure Poutine was still breathing. I was a big beefy guy. "You put your own life on the line to save one of my familiars."

"Your familiars?" Poutine asked, squinting at the witch.

"That's right," Baba confirmed. "And as I said, you're a bit early, but since there's love in the air, I understand why."

As terrified as I was at the prospect of my dame being a familiar to Carol, I was also elated. Carol and Fabio lived in Assjacket. Me and the boys lived in Assjacket. The dames would have to live in Assjacket as Carol's familiars. That meant we had longer than a few days to woo our ladies.

"Soooooo," Poutine said with a rude yawn. "That means we're moving to Assjacket?"

Annie Surely and Blythe yawned as well. Blythe even added an eye roll. The broads were totally into it. It was all I could do not to take a victory lap around the room.

Baba Yaga never missed anything. She watched the silent show play out with a little smirk on her lips. "I suppose it does."

"Whatever," Poutine said, trying to sound disinterested. "We can make that work."

"Excellent," Baba Yaga said. "First mission. Find Fucking Derrick before Zelda and Mac do. Zelda has a terrible temper, and as much as I'd love to hear that the little shit was six feet under, I'll save that wish for another time. The future of magicals is on the line."

"We'll stay here and watch over Henry and Audrey," Fabio said.

"Roger dat," I said, saluting them both. "Do youse have any clue where Fuckin' Derrick's hideout is?"

"Check the bridges on the outskirts of town," Fabio instructed. "Fucking Derrick likes to hide under them. But be very careful."

Baba Yaga clapped her hands and a mist of funky smelling rainbow glitter rained down on us. "That should help."

Sneezing, I waved my paw to clear the stench. "What was dat?"

"Troll perfume," she replied. "A little stinky, but it might help lure him out. Oh, shoot. Does anyone happen to speak troll?"

"Fuckin' Derrick doesn't speak English?" I asked, wondering how in the hell we were going to communicate with him.

Baba Yaga raised a brow. "Of course, he does, but he's a shit and will mess with you."

Annie Surely raised her hand. "I speak troll."

"Me too," Blythe said.

"Me three," Poutine added.

The dames were coming through again. It was hot.

"Wonderful," Baba Yaga said. "He'll probably speak troll until you get him pissed off. When a troll gets angry enough, he will forget his native tongue."

"Not. A. Problem," I said with a grin as Boba and Jango chuckled. "Weese just happen to excel at pissin' people off."

"That you do," Baba Yaga said with an eye roll. "Get moving. There's no time to waste. The fate of our kind is on the line."

The shoes were big. There was a chance we couldn't fill them.

However, cats didn't wear shoes.

We were going to kick ass.