Chapter 11

Fucking Derrick wasn't an asshole.He was a colossal, gaping crevasse of an asshole, the likes of which I'd never come across—and I'd met some true f-in' assholes in my life. The troll's reputation had not been exaggerated.

"Duleakum iniuakum iniir glogzag gulouse, dussholuth," Fucking Derrick bellowed.

He was about a foot tall and his voice was so high I was pretty sure he didn't have nards. A bushy, wiry, gray beard covered most of his little face exposing only his crazed purple eyes. He reminded me of a compact Bigfoot with a serious attitude problem. The troll's hands and feet were small like the rest of him, but it was clear the miniature son of a bitch was a killer.

Fucking Derrick's bellow sounded more like a squeak, but the fact he stomped around like his clothes were on fire told the story of his fury.

"What the hell did he just say?" I asked, dodging the fireballs the jackoff was shooting out of his nose.

I avoided getting hit for the good of the troll and for the good of Assjacket. Any magic thrown at me or my boys went back on the aggressor times ten. Didn't know if Fucking Derrick could survive that. Since I needed to shake the troll down for info, I very kindly let his fireballs hit the ground around me.

"He said, get out of my house, asshole," Poutine replied, interpreting for the troll as she expertly evaded the arsenal coming our way.

We'd found him under the first bridge we searched. Finding the troll had turned out to be the easy part, drawing the little turd out into the open for a meaningful conversation was another thing altogether.

"Dat's kinda rude," Boba pointed out, eyeing the tiny maniac. "Youse should be a little nicer and maybe youse wouldn't have to live under a bridge."

The wee man looked like he was going to split in half he was so put out. "Shrakituth glogzag dussholuth."

Annie Surely laughed. "He just told you to bite his asshole."

Boba flipped the troll off. "While dat may be what youse dig, I'm not into bitin' bungholes. Youse really need to work on your manners."

"Yeah," Jango added. "Weese ain't here to off youse unless youse keep actin' like a douche. Weese just want some intel, youse ugly mother f-er. Youse feel me?"

Fucking Derrick lost his questionably sane mind. He spit fire and flung himself on the ground. The tantrum he threw would have made a homicidal toddler proud.

"Gorotu glogakuth glogzag dusakun gutcarg. Duleakum hakosakum," he grunted, kicking his itty-bitty legs so fast they were almost invisible.

"Umm." Blythe shook her head and tried not to grin. "He just said that you make his ass itch and to get lost."

While we were probably in grave danger from the idiot troll, it was difficult not to laugh.

"Piss him off more so he speaks English," Poutine advised as she and the gals scampered in circles to avoid the poisonous darts Fucking Derrick was now throwing.

"On it," I said, dancing away from losing one of the lives I had left. "Hey, youse!"

Fucking Derrick glanced up from his tantrum and glared at me.

"Yeah, youse," I said, pointing a sharp claw at him. "Where'd youse get dem gauchos? 1980 called and wants dem fugly pants back."

"Nice," Boba said as he back flipped out of the way of a double fireball.

We were in trouble here. Half of me was tempted to let the shit nail me with a fireball so it would eighty-six his psycho little ass, but as much fun as that would be, it would also be stupid. I was many things, but in battle, I wasn't stupid.

"Keep goin'," Jango said, rolling like a fat furry ball to steer clear of the flames.

"Hey Fuckin' Derrick," I yelled. "Youse are so ugly, I heard youse didn't get hit with the ugly stick… I heard youse got walloped with the whole f-in' tree."

The troll roared. It sounded like a ten-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. The insult worked. However, in hindsight, it was far more pleasant not to know what the jackoff was saying.

"There's a tree stump in my ass that has a higher IQ than you," he snapped in a voice that sounded like he'd swallowed a vat of helium. He also flipped me off.

"Dat's gotta hurt—havin' a tree lodged in your sphincter," I shot right back. "And if I was as ugly as youse, I'd shave my ass and walk backwards."

"Really?" the troll shrieked.

"Yep," I replied, staying on my toes so I could move quickly. For a fat cat, I moved fast.

Fucking Derrick stood up with a nasty look on his mug and slapped his tiny hands on his gaucho covered hips. "Well, you're so fat, even Dora can't explore you."

"Burn," Boba said with a chuckle. "The mini bunghole biter has some zingers."

I grinned.

Fucking Derrick grinned.

It wasn't pretty, but it was a good sign that he'd stop trying to kill us. I kept going.

"Dat was smooth, Fuckin' Derrick," I complimented him. "But when youse entered the Ugly Contest, they said professionals weren't allowed."

The troll raised a bushy eyebrow. I wasn't sure if it was a sign of appreciation or if he was going to double down on trying to bump me off.

"Yeah, well, you have more rolls than a bakery," he grumbled.

"Dat may be true," I said with a shrug. "But when youse went through the haunted house at Halloween, youse came out with a job application."

"Maybe," Fucking Derrick conceded, getting into it. "When you got on the scale, it said it needed your weight, not your phone number."

The troll was good.

"At least I'm not so ugly dat I scare the shit out of the toilet," I countered.

He paused and thought that one through. Dropping into a squat, I motioned everyone to get behind me. There was no telling what the troll would do.

"I might borrow that one," he said. "Do you mind? It was outstanding."

My mouth hung open for a brief moment. The rules had just turned on a dime. Now, I just had to turn the insult game into an intel game.

"Be my guest," I told him. "Youse wanna keep goin'?"

"Absolutely," Fucking Derrick said, rubbing his tiny hands together. "Are you ready to graduate to stupid?"

I nodded and gave the insane freak a thumbs up. I could do stupid any day of the week.

F-in' Derrick let it rip. "You're so stupid you brought a spoon to the Super Bowl."

"Dat's nothin'," I told him. "Youse are so stupid, youse tried to schedule your yearly physical with Dr. Pepper."

The troll grinned. His little teeth were as sharp as hell. "You're so stupid, you took a ruler to bed to see how long you slept."

"Stealin' dat one," I said. "Youse are a worthy opponent. However, youse are also so stupid dat youse stuck a phone up your ass and thought youse was makin' a booty call."

Fucking Derrick froze. His eyes filled and his beard-covered chin fell to his tiny chest.

WTF?

"I think youse made him cry," Boba whispered.

I felt awful. He was such a tiny little dude. I mean, he was a fucking insane asshole, but I wasn't trying to make him cry.

"I didn't think dat one was dat bad," I said to my boys. "Did youse?"

Jango shook his head. "I didn't think dat was bad at all. Maybe Fuckin' Derrick has never gotten any booty."

I nodded. "Dat's a possibility. He's ugly as fuck. Now I feel really bad."

Fucking Derrick had advanced to sobbing. It was pathetic. It was all fun and games until a phone gets lodged in the booty then everything falls apart.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I asked, unsure how to handle the bizarre situation.

"Apologize," Poutine said.

"Seriously?" I asked, glancing over at my dame.

She shrugged. "Can't hurt."

Here went nothing. "Hey, umm… Fuckin' Derrick, youse okay?"

The troll continued to cry. Shit.

"Well, youse know… I was just joshin' youse, right? I mean, youse already said youse had a stump in your ass, so, naturally I thought havin' a phone up your ass wouldn't be a biggie. Maybe a phone and a stump in your ass is just too much to have in your ass. I didn't think about it like dat. If I had, I would have gone with the line, youse are so stupid, youse climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side."

"That woulda been better," Fucking Derrick said through his tears. "Less invasive."

"Got it," I told him. "I'll be more careful with how much an ass can hold in the future. Dis was a good lesson for me. Sorry about dat."

"You are?" he asked. "Truly sorry?"

"Yeah," I said. "Youse are an asshole and youse tried to kill us and all, but youse don't deserve to cry. I feel real bad about dat."

"Apology accepted," the troll said, still sniffling.

Poutine grabbed my paw and gave it a squeeze. I felt on top of the world. My dame was proud of me. I was kind of proud too. I was on a nice guy roll.

"Hey now," I said. "Chin up, tiny dude. Youse need to grow some giggle nuggets and get some thicker skin. Youse are a badass who lives under a bridge."

Fucking Derrick gave us a small smile. "You're right. I don't see people all that often and I forget how to be socially acceptable."

"Join the club," Jango said. "Weese are completely socially unacceptable."

Boba raised his hand.

"Speak," I told him.

"Fuckin' Derrick," he said. "Could I make a suggestion?"

"Please do," Fucking Derrick replied.

"If youse wanna be socially acceptable, youse should probably stop tryin' to eighty-six everyone youse come across. Just a thought."

The troll nodded thoughtfully and took in what Boba had suggested. Had it not occurred to the asshole that offing people might make him unpopular?

"Thank you," Fucking Derrick said. "I haven't had so much fun in a century."

If this was his idea of fun…

"Youse are most welcome," I said, putting out my paw in a gesture of peace, hoping he didn't bite it off with his sharp little chompers. "I'm Fat Bastard. Dis here is Boba Fett and Jango Fett. The gorgeous dames are Poutine, Annie Surely and Blythe."

The troll shook my paw and left it in one piece.

"I'm Fucking Derrick," he replied. "And I'd very much like to apply to be part of your group."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that one. Hanging with Fucking Derrick seemed like a really bad idea.

"You don't have to apply," Poutine said, stepping forward and patting the troll on the head. "All you have to do to be in our club is help us figure out why the magic has gone awry in Assjacket. That will make you a friend for life."

"Fuck," Jango muttered under his breath. "Dat might have gone a little too far."

I couldn't agree more, but the look of pure excitement and joy on the little asshole's face gave me pause. He was a lonely tiny asshole, which made him more of an asshole than if he had some friends. Fucking Derrick would probably always be an asshole, but maybe he would end his killing spree if he had some wise-guy comrades to kick his miniature ass into line.

"What do you need to know?" he asked, all of a sudden looking shy and childlike.

He was still hairy and ugly, but it was kind of sweet.

I glanced at my posse and everyone nodded and smiled. "Weese need youse to tell us about the Assjacket historian named Goober, who wiped his bunghole with the magic journals and got run out of town. Weese think it might be connected to the fact dat humans have started to stop and stay in Assjacket."

F-in' Derrick looked wildly alarmed. "Humans in Assjacket?"

"Yep. It's bad," I said.

The troll had a meltdown and tossed out cuss words I didn't even know existed. It lasted for the better part of twenty minutes. About ten minutes into it, we all sat down and enjoyed the show. Annie Surely took notes.

"Youse done?" I asked when he flopped down to the ground after a particularly heinous round of filthy words.

"I am," Fucking Derrick said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "I feel so much better."

We were going to have to remember not to take F-in' Derrick out in public until he got a handle on his mouth. He was fucking disgusting.

"I take it dat youse might have some info for us?" I asked, praying to the Goddess it didn't set the little freak off again.

He nodded and took a deep breath. "I do. You cats smell great, by the way."

Score for Baba Yaga. The stinky troll perfume was a hit.

"Thank you," Poutine said. "You have a gamey aroma as well."

Fucking Derrick giggled. "Thank you, and yes, I have intel. Goober is an asshole, and I should know, because I'm an asshole," he said.

I couldn't disagree with that.

The troll went on. "He comes back every decade or so to try to destroy Assjacket for banishing him. The King of the Shifters has always been successful at running him off."

"Dat's Mac youse are talkin' about," I told Fucking Derrick. "Youse think Goober is here now? Youse think he's causin' the humans to show up?"

"It's a possibility," Fucking Derrick said. "There's a chance that the groundhog didn't use all the history journals on his ass and knows how to harm the magicals in Assjacket."

"Back the fuck up," I shouted as my stomach dropped to my toe beans. "Did youse just say Goober was a groundhog?"

"I did," the troll confirmed. "If there was anyone who would be aware of the talisman that keeps Assjacket hidden from human eyes, it would be the ass wiping groundhog."

The information floored me.

"Is it possible that one of the groundhogs who buried the three of you fifty feet underground for getting them drunk and shaving their fur then dying them so they looked like diseased skunks is Goober?" Poutine asked.

"How did youse know about dat?" I asked, embarrassed that my dame knew we'd been buried alive. It wasn't very manly.

"Word gets around," she said with an eye roll. "Just answer the question."

I nodded. "Very possible. I say weese pay a visit to the Assjacket pokey and interrogate a few groundhogs. Weese might be able to solve the problem with a few well-placed testicle punches."

"Can I come?" Fucking Derrick asked. "I'd probably recognize Goober. He's cross-eyed. And I'm very good at nard punching since I'm so short."

This was a conundrum. It was incredibly risky to take the shit-mouthed troll anywhere, but he had come through for us… and even though I was sure I would live to regret it, we were going to come through for Fucking Derrick.

"Can youse control dat potty mouth and not eighty-six anyone if weese run into our friends?" I asked.

"Oh yes!" he said, dancing a little jig. "I will happily refrain from killing your friends. Also, could you define potty mouth?"

Shit. Whatever. As long as he didn't bump anyone off, we should be fine.

"No time," I told him. "Hop on my back, little buddy. We're poofin' into town."

Fucking Derrick squealed like a girl and jumped on my back. He was as light as a feather.

When I made mistakes, I made big ones.

I just hoped this wasn't one of the largest.