Back at It （32）

February 13

"That's it, that's it. You got it! Hustle, kid. Hustle!"

Jonesy skated over to where TK was grabbing a quick drink at the bench after his run and tapped him on the ass with his stick. "That was awesome. That's what we need to see from you every single time. You see how you didn't hesitate, you just went right after it? You had two guys on your tail and you kept pushing. That's how you do it, Teek."

"Thanks," he wheezed, completely out of breath. He knew, as much as he didn't want to, that he was going to have to quit smoking.

"You good, man? Your breathing's erratic."

TK gave a quick nod and got right back out to the neutral zone to run the next curl drill.

Practice had been brutal; Bridgeport was running him nonstop in preparation for tomorrow afternoon's game against the Hartford Wolf Pack. They were pretty much knotted in the standings, but for some reason, Bridgeport just couldn't seem to get their shit together against this team. It'd been decided at the meeting yesterday that Hayes and TK would play, both of them stepping in at the wing instead of their usual center due to some recent injuries and recalls to the big club. They were on the third line, but it didn't matter; both boys were happy just to be back on that ice again.

TK glanced over to the other side of the rink where Hayes and several other players were taking a shooting drill on Osi, who'd be getting the start tomorrow. He smiled when he heard Hayes running his mouth as one of the other guys had him in a headlock, just messing around.

His smile, however, faded quickly as it had been prone to do recently.

The thoughts he'd been struggling with came out of nowhere. One minute he'd be fine, laughing and joking around with his new teammates. The next, it was as though he was standing on the beach where the sea met the sand, a wave of sorrow slamming into him and knocking him right onto his ass. And every time he tried to get up, another one would come right after, making sure he couldn't.

One of the things TK's therapist had warned him about heavily was the depression that often follows one's recovery. There were several reasons why it would hit, the main being that recovery is equivalent to a tragic loss. As a loner, there were many times when the drugs and alcohol were better friends to TK than a lot of other people, especially before he'd met Ty.

The act of getting sober and the optimistic excitement that came with it had shifted into feeling as though he'd been through a horrible breakup. When the melancholy overtook him, the first thing he wanted to do was reach for a bottle or rip a few lines. And not having that coping mechanism to rely on anymore intensified every challenge by a thousand.

He'd FaceTimed Ty about it last night in the midst of one of his panic attacks, which he'd been able to successfully quell by incorporating the breathing technique Ryan had shown him that night on the kitchen floor.

"Do you feel, like, sad at all? Because I do. I know I should be happy, proud, all those things. But I'm not, baby. I just feel…I'm sad, like, all the time."

Ty nodded. "Yeah. The only times it doesn't hurt too bad are when I hit the ice and when I talk to Rook. Aside from that?" He'd paused, sighing. "I'm sad, too, Teek."

"I wanna see you. I wanna hang out with you again," TK had said, tears slipping down his cheeks. "I know we can't. We shouldn't. It just hurts so bad because I miss you so much."

"Come on, Teek. Don't cry. You're gonna make me cry too, man."

"You're…the only person who cares about me, Ty Hayes. The only person who even gives a shit if I live or die."

"That's not true…"

"Oh, please," TK'd interrupted. "You've seen the comments. They literally said I should kill myself…"

"Fuck them!" Hayes had yelled. "And fuck this ‘no one cares about me' bullshit, Trav. You got me. That's a given. But you got Rook, you got Joss, you got all the guys in Bridgeport. They love you, man. I was just talkin' to Osi about it last night. They think you're awesome. Nick thinks you're a riot."

"Yeah?" he'd asked, wiping his face. "You're serious?"

"Absolutely. And Hughesy and Neilly are constantly checkin' in on you. You gotta get outta your head, man. Focus on somethin'. Like, I know it's fuckin' ridiculous, but that crocheting shit keeps my mind occupied. You gotta keep your mind busy because when you don't, that's when you start thinkin' crazy."

He always felt better after talking with Ty, and most of the time, even just being near him put him at ease. The problem was that he couldn't deny the weird jealousy he felt over him anymore; it was almost to the point of possessiveness. When he'd see other people interacting with him, see him having fun with other people, he became irrationally envious.

TK was currently struggling with the fact that the one person who made him feel better was also the one person who made him feel worse.

Codependency.

He and his therapist had recently talked at length about the nature of his relationship with Ty and how TK was codependent on him. The conversation had gone so far as his therapist recommending that as soon as he was able to do so, he should request a trade and cut off his relationship with Ty completely, the thought of which made TK physically ill.

At some point, he knew it had to happen, if for no other reason than because TK didn't want to hold Ty back from his own recovery. If it meant Ty's happiness, TK would sacrifice his own, as much as it would hurt.

Without realizing it, they'd ended up right next to each other in the neutral zone. They didn't say anything, just stood there together and watched the rest of the guys as they wrapped up practice, their body language automatically mirroring each other.

Finally, Hayes broke the silence. "So you ready for tomorrow, man? Did you talk to your agent?"

TK shook his head. "Am I ready? No. Did I talk to my agent? Yes. He said it's a terrible idea and he strongly advises against it."

"Yeah, mine said the same thing. But listen, we gotta do this. People need to hear the truth. Teek, how many other guys are strugglin' with the same shit we were…are? We might be able to help someone, man. If we tell our stories, maybe some other guy hears it and decides, ‘Hey, I can get sober, too.' There's so much…" Hayes paused. "So many guys in this league have been abused, mistreated, forced to grow up way too fuckin' fast, man. They bottle it up and they self-medicate because that's the expectation. ‘You're a man, you're an athlete, you're strong, you're young, you're rich. What do you possibly have to be upset about?' They're not allowed to feel what they're feelin', man. And they sure as fuck can't talk about it. Let's show them that it's…that it's OK. Let's lead by example, you know?"

TK looked over at his friend. "I love your passion, baby. You're so passionate about this. I'm on board just for that reason alone. I said anything you want, Ty, and I meant it. Fuck my agent. I'm in." He held out his fist and Hayes bumped it. "Have you told Ryan?"

"Nah. I'm gonna tell him when he gets here tonight. I don't know if he's gonna try to talk me out of it or whatever, but he ain't gonna."

"He won't. He'll support you no matter what, baby. You know that."

The Lightning had a game in Boston in two days, so instead of flying up with the team tomorrow, Ryan was coming tonight to spend some time with his fiancé. It was exhausting, trying to coordinate their schedules and making separate travel arrangements all the time, but Ryan had meant what he told Jake in the bar last year when they'd met up to talk.

"I'll make it work for him. I'll do anything I have to do for Tyler Hayes."

"I know he will. So, I'm serious, Teek. You gotta do somethin' to keep your mind busy, OK? I…I worry about you. All the fuckin' time, man. What are you doin' tonight?"

He smirked. "Joss. He's, uh, flying up with Ryan."

"Well, there you go. We got mind and body covered for tonight." Hayes looked down at his stick, dragging it back and forth across the ice mindlessly. "So, are you two, like, you know…"

TK shook his head quickly. "Nah. I like him well enough, but I'm pretty sure we're just experimenting, that it's just sex. Truth time: it's the hottest sex I've ever had in my life. With anyone. That man can suck…"

"Yo, spare me the details. I don't need to hear how hot the sex is with the dude who fucked my fiancé."

"Sorry. It's just…ugh, it's so good. Anyway, you're taking the lead tomorrow, right? Because I don't know if I can."

Hayes shrugged. "Listen, I don't really know if I can either. I'm not exactly what you'd call articulate."

"Huh?" TK asked, puzzled.

"Like, I'm not real good at speakin' in front of people and shit. But it's…it has to get done. And I've been practicin'. So, yeah. I'll take the lead. We just gotta do our best to stay focused and not get too upset because you know they're gonna ask a bunch of stupid ass questions."

"We'll be there together though, so it'll be fine. It…I know it will be fine."

"Trav? Aside from Ryan and Os, you're my best friend. You know that, right? And it means so much to me that you're gonna be there tomorrow for, you know…" Ty paused and lowered his voice. "For the other thing, after the presser."

TK nodded. "I know that, baby. Wouldn't miss it. Everyone else is good to go, too? They can all make it?"

"Everyone."

"That's amazing, Ty Hayes. I…" He stopped and swallowed. "I can't wait."

"Me either. But I'm nervous as fuck. I mean, there's always a possibility he won't…you know?"

"Not a chance, baby. It's all gonna be perfect. Just perfect. So, I'm gonna run. I gotta…I'll see you tomorrow morning for practice, OK? Hey: have fun with pretty boy tonight." TK tapped him in the shin with his stick before skating away.

"And you have fun with Sir Sucks a Lot, eh?" Hayes called to him, earning him a lookback and a wink.

His stomach in knots and his breathing beginning to quicken, TK made his way off the ice, through the locker room, and to Coach Hastings's office, where he knocked and was told to come in. He shut the door behind him and sat down.

"What can I do for you, Travis?" Hastings asked, staring down at his phone.

"Um, yeah. It's…so you obviously know about me and Ty being in recovery. It's just that…" TK stopped to wipe his eyes. "I'm sorry. Coach, I'd like to put in a request to be traded from the Islanders organization please."

He looked up from his phone. "Are you sure, Travis?"

He nodded. "I…yeah, I'm sure. It needs to happen."

"I have a meeting with Sellars later today. I'll bring it up, have him talk to Marody."

"Thank you, Coach."

As much as it killed him, TK understood that if either of them had a shot at a successful recovery, it's what was best for them both.