54. A million pieces

FIFTY-FOUR

A MILLION PIECES

SHEP

My dad stands at the back of the room, talking with Harlow’s parents, while I watch the nurses give her something to calm her down. Since she woke up, she’s been frantic and combative.

Nobody blames her. She’s confused and scared, but there’s a heaviness lingering between all of us who have still been existing while she was unconscious for the last few days.

I know that eventually, she’ll need to hear the truth but when that moment will be, I don’t know. I’m hoping more time will pass to allow for her to process what’s happened, but also knowing her, I doubt she’ll try and take things slow.

The nurses leave and ask for her parents to step into the hall leaving her alone with just me and my dad. They’ve come around lately to understand how I feel about their daughter and also with my dad’s involvement as the Sheriff, they aren’t putting up a fight with us being here.

“Shep,” she croaks out when she finally sees me.

“I’m here, baby. I’m here,” I say, quickly moving to the side of the hospital bed and reaching out for her hand.

“What’s going on? I thought I died,” she starts crying and I run a hand over her head, gently shushing her. “I did die,” she exclaims again.

“You did,” I start. “You did, but they were able to bring you back and you’re still here.” My own voice cracks. “I’m so glad you’re still here.”

“How long have I been here?” she whimpers.

“A few days now. They were able to bring you back in the ambulance but you weren’t waking up. We’ve all been waiting for you, baby. We knew you would.” I kiss the top of her hand.

“I think I heard you.” She looks around the room and back at her parents who are walking back in. “I think I heard all of you. I didn’t know what was going on though and I was so scared.” Her voice breaks off into another sob. “It’s like I was stuck and I had to make a choice to come back.”

Her words shock everyone.

I look to her parents, allowing them the chance to talk to her but she keeps her focus on me. I don’t know what to do in this situation, but her parents' eyes plead with me for help as Harlow only gets more upset.

I sit down next to her on the bed, leaning back against the pillows and pull her into my side. She’s shaking and I’m not one to advocate for drugs, but I don’t think whatever the doctor prescribed her is strong enough.

Once I have her safely tucked in my arms, she mumbles out through sobs. “He drowned me. I was swimming when he came in and I thought he was you. But he drowned me.”

My heart breaks and I look again at her parents who look at me with the same brokenness. Nobody here is okay.

Suddenly, she grips onto my shirt and shudders through her tears. “What happened to him? Where’s Beckett?” Her voice is shaking with fear.

This is the moment I was dreading. I glance over at my dad who shakes his head at me. I begged him to be the one to break the news but he told me it would be better if I was the one who told her. I’m seriously doubting his judgment right now, but I do my best to steady my voice before speaking again.

“He had been drinking, Harlow. A lot.” My voice starts to waver and I squeeze her tighter as the emotion floods my body.

“I remember that,” she whispers. “I could smell alcohol on his breath.”

Her admission stuns me and everyone else in the room. We all wondered, but nobody knew what she would remember, if she did remember anything at all.

“My dad sent patrol cars after him once I found you at the pool. Do you remember that? Me showing up?”

“No,” she says quietly while sniffling.

“That’s okay,” I press a kiss on top of her head. “I got there and saw him, but he ran off. I called 911 and waited for the paramedics, then I called my dad and told him about Beckett. A team went to look for him.”

“And he was arrested?” Harlow peers up at me, her eyes flooded with tears.

“No, Harlow. I’m so sorry.” I finally lose my strength and tears of my own spill out. Not for what happened but because she doesn’t need any more pain after everything she’s been through.

“What?” She blinks in confusion and looks around the room. Her mom turns away, stifling a cry while her dad tries to comfort her. I wish my mom were here but she’s at home with Dahlia since I’ve been staying at the hospital. I look at my dad one more time and barely make out the word, “Please.”

Thankfully my dad gives in and walks over to the end of the hospital bed, getting Harlow’s attention.

“Harlow, when my patrol cars located Beckett,” he stops to sigh. “It turned into a chase. We tried to apprehend him but his driving was erratic and he wasn’t stopping. I’m sorry but Beckett ran his car off the road. He didn’t make it.”

Harlow lets out a guttural wail before turning into me, sobs wracking through her body. I didn’t know how she would take this. Despite the nature of their relationship, they still had history together and I knew him dying would have an effect on her.

“Where’s Lennon?” she cries out. “I want Lennon.”

An ache travels through my body, and I know it’s selfish but I want to be the one who’s here for her. I want to be the one who protects her now and takes care of her, but I know I don’t have any say in this situation. I start to get up off the bed when Harlow grabs onto me. “You don’t have to go, just someone please get Lennon.”

Her mom nods and quickly leaves the room, her dad and mine following after, leaving the two of us alone for the first time.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there sooner,” I whisper into her hair, kissing the top of her head again. “I’m so sorry.”

She doesn’t say anything, just lets me hold her and cries. Not knowing what else to do, but feeling overwhelmed with the emotions I’ve been wrestling with since I thought I lost her, the words that leave my mouth next come out shaky. “I love you. You’re going to get through this. I’m with you.”

Her body stills and she stops crying for a second. Pulling away from me, she looks up and there’s a moment where I think maybe she’ll say it back, instead she moves farther away. It looks like something is clicking in her head and the way her face changes, I don’t have a good feeling.

“I don’t think you should be with me.” Her words punch me right in the gut and I can’t help but let my jaw drop.

“What? What do you?—”

“When Lennon gets here, I think you should leave and stay away from me.” Her voice starts to shake and I climb off the bed, stepping back in shock and disbelief.

“Harlow, what’re you talking about? Why would I do that when I just almost lost you?” My mind is spinning and I didn’t expect this to be her reaction to me telling her how I felt. Especially when I thought maybe she felt the same.

“You don’t deserve this. Any of this. I’ve done nothing but complicate things for you since we met. You shouldn’t love me, Shep. Not someone like me. Especially now.” She starts to cry and before I can protest any of what she’s saying, Lennon opens the door and comes in.

She stops when she realizes something is obviously happening and looks between the two of us. “What’s going on?”

“Lenny,” Harlow croaks out.

I look at Lennon and I don’t care that she can see tears welling up in my own eyes. This is the last thing I want.

“She said she wants me to leave.”

She frowns but then nods in Harlow’s direction. “I’m sorry, Shep, but I think you need to go.”

I shake my head as tears start to freely fall down my face. I turn back, facing Harlow one more time who’s now bawling in Lennon’s arms. “I still love you.” Then I walk out the door with my heart feeling like it’s just been shattered into a million pieces.