53. A bright white

FIFTY-THREE

A brIGHT WHITE

HARLOW

The sound of water sloshing next to my ears jostles me awake. I slowly open my eyes but I’m blinded by the amount of light reflecting off the water.

My senses come to me and I realize I’m floating in the middle of a pool, but where?

I bring my feet under me and my hands to my side, treading the water while I look around. I’m not at the rec center. I’m not at the athletic center.

Where am I?

As I start to swim to the edge of the pool, I take in my surroundings even more. All the walls are white, there’s light everywhere, beaming in through the top of the building.

I shake my head in confusion then hear a faint laugh behind me. I whip around and there’s a little girl, running on the pool deck with flippers in her hand. Her giggles are loud and bubbly and it causes an ache far down inside me.

“Hello?” I call out.

The little girl continues to run until we meet each other’s gaze as she passes in front of me. When we lock eyes, she smiles before turning and continuing to run away. She doesn’t just look familiar, she feels familiar.

I follow her until she dissolves into a ray of light but not before I hear a familiar voice calling after her, “Harlow! Slow down! You can’t run at the pool.”

Mom?

I turn my head back to where the little girl first was and I see my mother standing on the pool deck. I try to swim in her direction but as I get closer, I see she’s crying.

“Mom?” I call out this time, but all I can hear are her cries, saying my name over and over again.

I go to call for her again, but hear a loud cheering behind me. I turn around and see a crowd in the stands has appeared. They’re all cheering and I have to do a double take when I see someone on the diving block, getting ready to race.

I swim towards them and squint, trying to make out who’s here.

“Hello?!” I call out again, confusion flooding me.

The swimmer turns and looks at me before diving into the water and disappearing. Once again, when the person looks at me, a feeling deep within me rattles and I want to make sense of this, but I can’t.

It isn’t until I look back over to the lane the swimmer just disappeared in and see someone coming out of the water swimming butterfly. They’re wearing a swim cap with EU on the side, and dread fills me.

The people I’m seeing are myself at various stages of my life, but that still doesn’t answer where I am. Am I dreaming?

The swimmer disappears once again and I look past the pool to see my dad in the crowd, but nobody else is around him now. I try to swim over to him but every time I get to the edge of the pool, I'm back in the middle of it. I think I can hear him though. I think he's trying to talk to me. I swim closer to the edge and rest my arms on a lane rope until I can start to make out his voice.

"Hey, little girl. If you can hear me, it’s Dad. Oh, Harlow. How did we get here? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry we didn't know about any of this." Then he breaks into a sob.

"Dad!" I try to call out, but it's no use. "Daddy, I’m here!" But he can't hear me.

I push off the lane rope and towards the wall to get out, but again, it’s no use. I’m back in the middle of the pool, suspended. What is going on?

Out of nowhere, I feel a sensation on the end of my finger. I can’t tell what it is, but when I look up again, I see Margot standing on the pool deck. “I love you, sissy.” The words leave her mouth and I watch her bring her finger up into the void, pressing it into the nothingness, but I feel it on mine, then she disappears.

I decide to try and swim over to the diving block, when I hear a new voice. Lennon?

I look over to where my dad was and see Lennon sitting on the edge of the stands. Her voice is broken up with sniffles and so I swim to the lane rope again and try to see if I can hear her.

“Harlow,” then she breaks into a sob. “Harlow, please. I can’t do this without you. I can’t believe I didn’t take things more seriously. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fau—” Her head falls into her hands and she bawls uncontrollably.

I go to try and say something, hoping this time someone will hear me, but before I can, the voice of Laura comes into earshot. Her voice is the loudest and I feel pressure on my hand as if someone is holding it.

“Sweet girl, it’s Momma Fords. I know you’re still in there.”

The sensation on my hand comes back again as if it’s being squeezed.

“Listen to me, you are a fighter. You’re going to wake up and we’re all going to be here waiting for you. I believe in you. My son needs you, Harlow. We all need you. You can’t give up.”

Her words slowly sink into me and I look around the pool again. The stands have faded and the surrounding area is back to being a bright white. As the water sloshes next to me, I blink a few times before flashes of my memory come back to me.

I was swimming… Beckett showed up. Then he—no. I can’t be. Am I dead?

I start to swim back to the lane I was first in, ready to try and get out of the pool. I need to get back. I have to go back. As I’m getting ready to reach up to the block, a new sensation takes over me. It feels like someone is running their hands through my hair.

I reach my own hands up, but there’s nothing there. I want to start crying but then I hear him. I hear Shep.

“Baby, please come back to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there sooner. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him. Please, Harlow. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me.”

He says it over and over until I hear another voice and it sounds like they’re taking him away.

“No!” I scream into the void.

I try to pull myself up and out again, but as if stuck in a loop, I’m magically in the middle of the pool again. This time, I do feel the tears forming. I have to get back. I can’t stay here. I have to fight.

I frantically look around and out of nowhere, a time clock appears on the wall. It’s counting down with fifteen seconds. Quickly directing my gaze to the end of the lane, I start swimming, trying to beat it. Of all the meets, of all the races, something tells me this is the one that will matter the most.

I kick harder and pull myself through the water as fast as I can, glancing back at the clock to see it’s almost at five seconds.

I’m getting closer and I’m almost there, but I’m starting to feel like I’m sinking. I can’t stop though, I have to beat this clock.

I touch the wall as the buzzer sounds and when I do, I open my eyes while gasping for air. I’m blinded by lights again, but they’re different than before. After a few blinks, it registers I’m in the hospital.

But all that matters to me is I’m alive. I won.

A nurse looks at me with tear-filled eyes before calling out, “She’s awake!”