55. New routine

FIFTY-FIVE

NEW ROUTINE

HARLOW

It’s been ten days since I left the hospital, almost twenty days since I drowned, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to function normally again when my mind is working against me every second of every day.

I can’t seem to process the fact that I died.

By all accounts, I was dead. And while I was brought back and am still here, the mere fact I was that close to losing everything haunts me. I thought there would be a part of me that would be thankful, or even discovered a new lust for life, but no. All I’ve been left with is nightmares, a fear of water, and what Margot said is likely PTSD.

I know I need to see Robin, but I’m still not ready for even that because I know her questions will be hard and confrontational. I can’t handle that. I’ve even pushed Shep away. The one person who has consistently shown up for me, made it clear he cares, and even tried to tell me he loves me. But what did I do? I told him to stay away. When he told me I’d get through this I realized just how broken I was and nobody deserves to deal with that.

“Harlow, it’s just us. You can open the door,” Lennon calls out.

I guess one of them decides not to wait for me to answer anymore and the door creaks open. “Hey, sissy. It’s just me.” Margot tip toes into the bathroom and crouches down in front of me. I don’t break my gaze from looking straight ahead. Not even when Margot puts herself in my line of sight. She’s just there, but I don’t see her. I see through her.

I know what they’re trying to do. I know they want to help me, but they can’t. I don’t care that it’s been almost a week since I’ve taken a shower or a bath. I can’t do it. I can’t be under the water or else I’ll feel like I can’t breathe. Margot places her hands on my knees and lightly jostles them.

She lowers her voice this time before speaking again. “Harlow, I’m going to turn the water off, okay?” She stands up and turns the knob. The shower silences and my shoulders slump in response. Relief floods my body, tears welling up in my eyes.

I’m weak. I’m so weak.

“I’m…I’m letting him win.” The words come out broken through soft sobs. I hate to admit it but it’s true. “He’s dead and he’s still controlling my life!” My voice cracks as I try to yell. I’m so angry and while I know it’s not fair for Margot to receive the other end of these feelings, I can’t help it.

The door swings open and Lennon rushes in. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand here and listen,” she shakes her head, putting her hands up in the air, “I can’t watch—Margot, we need to…” Her words fade as she leans closer into my sister and whispers something to her. It doesn’t matter anyways. Her voice is drowned out by the pathetic wails starting to leave my lips.

This is my new routine.

I try to move forward but I can’t. Which in turn, makes me feel even more fractured and broken, and then even more scared that I’ll never recover from what he did to me. And then, I cry. I sob until I can’t take deep breaths and eventually just crawl somewhere where I can lie down and eventually pass out, only to then be haunted back awake after the same nightmare.

Margot and Lennon walk out of the bathroom together and I look around at the empty space. Will I ever recover from this? Will life ever be normal for me?

I stare at the wall and try not to let the memory of what happened to me start up again. It already runs on an endless loop at night, preventing me from sleeping. I don’t need it occupying my thoughts during the day too.

You hear it all the time when you’re a kid that you shouldn’t be afraid of the monsters under your bed. But what they don’t warn you about are the ones who walk the same earth as you and then end up in your head.

Tears leak out of my eyes and my head aches from the dehydration I’m likely suffering from since I’m hardly doing anything but crying these days.

At some point, I realize I’ve stopped crying and am now lying on my side. The cool of the tile against my cheek has induced a shiver in me but I don’t care. I don’t want to move.

Out of the silence, I hear the front door to the apartment open. There’s a slight commotion and sounds that I can’t make out. After a few minutes, the bathroom door creaks open again, and through teary eyes, I try to figure out who’s coming into the room now. My breath catches in my throat when I realize what Margot and Lennon have done.