51. Another deep ache

FIFTY-ONE

ANOTHER DEEP ACHE

HARLOW

I drop my stuff next to the block. It’s a little after seven now, so I know that gives me enough time to swim until I don’t feel so stressed anymore.

Even though it’s technically after practice hours, Coach Bradford gave me the okay to stay and told me he’d be in his office if I needed anything. Lennon also told me to call her if I change my mind but having the pool to myself is serene and I know that I'll be able to tune out the last few weeks and especially the last twenty-four hours.

I know Shep was hurt, but I also thought maybe he’d understand my position. I appreciated his text, but I just don’t really know what to think. Right now, swimming is exactly what I need. Plus, it’s not like it’ll hurt to get in an extra practice before my first official meet swimming butterfly before break next week.

Even thinking about Thanksgiving sends an ache through me. I wonder if Shep will change his mind about wanting to spend the holiday with me. I guess it’s a good thing he invited me over tonight. At least he still wants to see me and maybe we can figure all this out then.

I start swimming and after a few minutes, I slip into this peace of being able to only think about my strokes and breathing. I focus on my future and my hopes of carrying on to possibly train and qualify for the Olympics.

I think about what that would be like for Shep and I, and how it would work with his program at the precinct. It’s the realization that I’m naturally including him in my future that fills me with another deep ache. I don’t like being at odds with him. Why can’t I just let him protect me the way he wants? I try to clear my mind again and focus on my strokes knowing we can talk about all of this when he picks me up, but his face doesn’t leave my thoughts.

After another set of laps, I stop at the end of the lane to get a sip of water. The athletic center is dark except for the few overhead lights illuminating the pool deck. Shep should be here by now, but maybe he got caught up at work.

I take a deep breath and drop back under the water and swim a few more laps, hoping that he’ll be here shortly. As I get towards the other end of the pool, I hear the door opening when I turn my head for a breath.

My heart jolts that Shep is here and all I can think about is jumping out of the pool and hugging him. All I want is to make up and go back to his place. I continue swimming towards the pair of shoes that are now at the end of the lane, getting more and more excited. I pop my head up out of the water and my stomach drops.

“I thought I might find you here,” Beckett’s voice comes out slurred and hissed.

No, no, no. This isn’t happening.

I try to push away from the wall to create some distance with us, but he grabs the top of my swim cap before I can. I’m still able to pull away from him as the cap comes off in his hand, but he grabs my hair with his other, pulling me back to the edge. With his face almost touching mine, I can smell the alcohol wafting off of his breath.

“You thought you could just get rid of me?” He finishes his sentence and the next thing I know, he’s shoving my head under water before I can scream out.

I immediately start to panic. Where is Shep? Would Coach Bradford be able to hear me yelling?

He pulls me up again, and I gasp for air. “You think you can just ruin my life?”

I can’t even register his words as he pushes me back down under the water, but a realization hits me that if I want to try and get out of this, I need to calm down. When he finally pulls me up again, I gulp in a large breath before he shoves me back under. I can hear his garbled yells coming from above the surface and I try my best to focus on slowing down my heart while holding my breath. Maybe he just wants to scare me, but then the reality that he’s drunk and I’m alone hits me.

He pulls me up out of the water again and laughs. It’s dark and sinister. “You stupid bitch. Now who’s going to save you?” I open my mouth to finally try screaming out for help, but he rears his other hand back and slaps me across the face. The sudden action causes me to sharply inhale and ruins my chance at getting another good breath in before he shoves me back under the water. This time, the panic starts to set in and I feel frantic.

Laura was right. I should’ve known Beckett would escalate. Robin told me I should consider doing more to protect myself but I didn’t listen. Shep said I should’ve taken out a restraining order but I shut that down, and now I’m going to die because of it.

Holy shit, I’m going to die. I didn’t even get to truly start my life with Shep. What about Lennon? My parents? Margot?

Suddenly everything in me kicks into fight or flight. I start thrashing in the water, smacking at Beckett, but he just pulls me out of the water and shoves me back under, faster, harder. I can’t even attempt to catch my breath anymore, and on the last time, water gets into my mouth causing me to cough and choke.

Beckett doesn’t bring me out of the water again and his grip on my hair becomes more forceful, my scalp prickling with pain, but then the sensations start to fade and everything goes numb. I can’t feel it anymore. I can’t feel...anything. I think I’m drowning.

Beckett’s last words echo in my mind and clash in my head with the lyrics of the song I’ve been listening to over and over since my first talk with Laura.

If anyone could’ve saved me, it would have been Shep. It should have been Shep. But it’s too late now.

And I didn’t even get to tell him that I love him.