20. What if…

TWENTY

WHAT IF…

HARLOW

The colors of the changing leaves all blur together as I speed down the road. My heart feels like it’s in my throat. I don’t even know how to face Lennon when I get home. I reach over into my console for my phone, reconnecting the music. I press play and the first song to pop up is “would’ve been you” by sombr.

As I drive and the song starts, the plucking of the guitar lulls me into my thoughts. My mind wanders to just a few hours ago when I was at Shep’s, recalling the conversation I had with his mom.

“Alright sweet girl, I think we need to talk.” Shep’s mom moved towards me and then placed a hand on my arm. “Does Shep know?”

I squinted in confusion. Reading my expression, she continued.

“Does he know someone’s hurting you?” She motioned to the side of my body where part of my sweatshirt had ridden up and my back was exposed.

My eyes widened and panic consumed me. I quickly pulled the fabric down and opened my mouth to speak, but she stopped me again.

“I noticed it when you were in the kitchen and reached into the cabinet for a spice. Your sweatshirt came up and I’d recognize marks like that any day.”

“Please…” I begged, not sure for what.

“It’s that guy Shep brought up, I’m assuming?”

At this point, I decided to just not speak, nodding my head in response.

“Does anyone know?”

I shook my head side to side.

“Are you safe?”

I blinked a few times then furrowed my brow. “I don’t…know.” The words left my mouth in a whisper.

“I know I just met you, Harlow, but I can see a lot of myself in you. Which means if Shep is his father’s son, and I know he is, he’s not going to let you out of his sight.” She stepped closer this time and gently caressed the side of my face. “I get the feeling you’re a very strong girl.”

Tears pricked the edges of my eyes and a part of my heart cracked.

“But you’ll have to let someone in at some point,” she continued.

I nodded my head again in response, this time the tears silently spilled over and I found myself stepping forward and resting my head on Laura’s chest like a child. She brushed the ends of my ponytail with her hand while I quietly cried.

“I don’t know how it got this bad,” I mumbled to her before stepping back and rubbing my cheeks dry.

“That means he must be really good at it.” She paused for a second and the weight of her words hit me like a ton of bricks. “What does Shep know?” she asked.

“He knows someone’s hurting me. But I haven’t confessed that he’s right about it being Beckett, his fraternity brother.” I couldn’t believe I was telling her all of this, but it was like I couldn’t stop.

“I see. Well, I can’t tell you what to do and I certainly can’t force you to get help, but guys like that…they typically escalate, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t advise you to at least consider trying to get some help.” Her eyes went misty.

“Was it you?” I asked quietly, not knowing how close by Shep was and if he knew the answer to the question I was asking.

“No, my college roommate went through something similar. Except, she wasn’t as fortunate to be able to find help. Not to scare you, but to be honest.” She softly smiled at me.

“I understand. You won’t tell your husband will you?” I asked hesitantly.

“No, but I hope you know that he will be there for you if you decide to come forward.” She reached out again and grabbed my hand. “You ready to go eat, sweet girl?”

My mind pulls back to the present when I hear a faint honking. The lyrics of the song confront me as if knowing my thoughts. Something about being saved and it being someone specific who could do it.

I know Shep wants to rescue me, yet I keep pushing him away. I’m starting to become more sure that Beckett isn’t right for me, but trying to get away from him causes panic to creep up inside me.

Laura was being honest with me and, while I appreciated it, I also can’t stop thinking about everything she said. I can’t stop thinking about her roommate. She didn’t say outright that she was killed, but she might as well have. I don’t think Beckett would ever get to that level, but I also never imagined he would do what he did at the date party.

I decide to silence my thoughts and focus on the road ahead of me, listening to that same song on repeat. Could Shep really save me?

When I get to the apartment, I play out all the possible ways Lennon might confront me when I come in. She’s probably waiting on the couch, ready to ask me a million questions, and the only question I really need to answer is with myself. Am I going to finally tell Lennon everything?

As I creep out of my car, steadying my breaths, a car slowly passes by, causing me to freeze. Did someone see me and Shep? Is Beckett here, ready to confront me? I don’t wait any longer in the parking lot, bolting up the stairs to our apartment door.

I brace myself for what I’ll find on the other side, but when I unlock the door and make my way in, Lennon isn’t anywhere to be seen. I take a few more steps before I realize she’s in her room. The door is shut, but I can hear her voice mumbling. It seems she’s on the phone. My stomach drops at the sudden thought that she may have called Beckett.

Rushing into my room, I throw my things down and decide maybe I need to do some damage control of my own. I fish my phone out of my bag, take a deep breath, then press call.

“Beckett, hi. Sorry to just call you out of the blue.”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Oh, right. Um…”

Relief floods me that he hasn’t mentioned Shep and, knowing him, it would be the first thing he’d say.

“Hello?”

“Sorry! Yeah, I was just wondering if you wanted to get dinner before the fall formal?”

Not that I actually want to, but I guess that’s a good excuse for calling.

“Random, but sure. I can pick you up and then we can go to downtown Everson.”

“Great!”

I know my voice is over enthused but at this point, I’m just glad it doesn’t seem like any of tonight has traveled to him.

“Okay, Harlow… Bye.”

I hang up my phone then fall back on my bed, letting a large sigh leave my body. Before I can even allow myself to relax, my door creaks open.

“Hey, want some company?” Lennon tip toes across my room, before sitting down next to me. She plays with my hair for a few seconds before speaking again. “We don’t have to talk about what happened earlier.”

I gently push myself up and turn to face her. The warmth in her chocolate eyes has always been a source of comfort to me. She’s looking at me with love and concern, and I know she deserves the truth, but…

“When you’re ready to talk about whatever it was that Shep brought up, you know I’m right here. But I do have to ask, what were you doing with him?”

A small laugh leaves my lips before I begin to tell Lennon all about the last few hours, minus a few details. I tell her about how apparently Shep and I both love grilled cheese and tomato soup, which makes her gasp dramatically. I fill her in on Dahlia and my total shock that Shep rescued not just a dog, but a pitbull.

We go back and forth about the night and, before I realize it, I’m beaming. My face hurts from smiling and laughing, thinking about all the little moments with Shep, and then the last few minutes with him crash back into my reality and I feel the expression melt away.

“What just happened?” Lennon asks, studying my face.

“Nothing, I just…” Leaning back onto my bed, I choose to confront the startling thoughts and emotions that have been rattling around inside me for the last few weeks. “I think I might have feelings for Shep.”

“I KNEW IT!” Lennon shrieks, then rolls over to sit on top of me. Straddling my waist, she pokes up my stomach until she reaches my chest. “I knew he was finding his way in there.” She taps harder where my heart is.

“Okay, okay. I get it, but there’s obviously some things I need to handle with Beckett first.” I push her off of me and get off my bed. Even bringing up his name fills me with panic, so I start to pace across my room.

“Yeah, that’s true. People break up all the time though.” She offers. “I know I’ve obviously been you and Beck’s biggest fan, but it’s not really him. It’s you. I just want you to be happy, and I’ve never heard you talk about your relationship with Beckett like this.”

Lennon asks a hundred more questions about what I’m going to do and how I plan to tell Beckett. I have no answers for her. I haven’t even really accepted the fact that I admitted to maybe liking Shep, but I can’t shake the electricity that hums through my body when I’m around him, or how since I kicked him out of my car, all I’ve wanted is to call him and apologize. But I don’t even have his number.

“Am I being ridiculous?” I mumble. “Like, I had one night with Shep and suddenly I’m thinking about calling things off with Beckett and letting Shep in?” Obviously there’s more to it than Lennon knows, but I still find myself wanting to please Beckett. Despite everything that’s happened, everything he’s done to me… Laura’s words come back into my mind.

He must be really good at it.

I connected the dots that she was referring to being manipulative. I’ve never once thought to myself that I was in some sort of abusive relationship. I wouldn’t have told anyone that either, but Shep’s mom made me realize that whatever I’ve been doing with Beckett isn’t normal and it certainly isn’t healthy.

My hand involuntarily moves to my back and traces over the bruises hidden under my clothes. The movement conjures up images of my past with him and our memories no longer float through my mind like a supercut. Instead, they hover like ghosts, haunting my mind and sending chills through me.

I know what I need to do, but I’m still not ready to talk to anyone about it, except Laura. I’ll have to find a way to see her again without it raising any alarms and also while still avoiding Shep, since I’m not exactly sure how I want to move forward with him.

“Hey, Low, sorry to interrupt whatever thought trance you’re in, but I was hoping we could go dress shopping this weekend for fall formal?” Lennon stands up and walks towards me then softly pinches my cheeks.

“Sorry, yeah. I think that would be really fun.” I stand in the same spot of my room for a few more seconds. “I need to go shower, but yes, dress shopping this weekend. I’d love to.”

She squeals then does a small jump.

“One thing though, Lenny. I’m still going with Beckett.”

“I know.” She smiles before continuing to skip her way out of my room. “But also, I think you really need to consider all this stuff with Shep.” She stops then turns to face me. “I haven’t seen you smile like that in a while.”

She isn’t wrong and I also can’t believe the giddy feeling that consumed me while telling her about my night. How Shep and I both dipped our sandwiches at the same time. How Dahlia kept laying on my feet and when Shep would lean down to pet her, he’d let his hand linger for just a second longer near my legs, skating the length of me with his sapphire eyes. I even told her how Shep drew circles on my thigh under the dinner table…and I let him.

“This weekend, you and me. No boys. No thinking. Just dress shopping. God, I can’t believe I’m saying that.” I laugh as I turn to my bathroom, ready to rinse off the day.

“It’s a dream come true!” Lennon’s voice echoes into my room, the shutting of her bedroom door promptly following.

Shedding my clothes, I step into my shower and close my eyes. As the water crashes around me, my mind drifts off. I start to think about Lennon’s words and how I should consider things with Shep. My stomach flutters at the thought of him, but in the same second, my stomach drops. Beckett will have to go.

All I have to do at this point is just get through the formal and then maybe I can reason with him about how there’s really no point for us to be together. He has to see that. I mean, the way he treats me, he can’t actually have feelings for me? But what if he does? I don’t want to hurt him…but he hurts me.

Why is this so confusing for me! I can’t believe I let Beckett get into my head and manipulate me like this. I feel so stupid, so dumb, so naive.

Mixed with the droplets from my shower, tears start to stream down my face. They burn almost as much as the water. I know this isn’t the life I deserve to live. Deep down, I feel it too. I start to think about the way Shep treats me and wonder what type of person I would be if he was my boyfriend. I wonder about where I would be in my life.

I mix the tears into my face wash and work to calm myself back down. I keep going back to that mindfulness technique Margot taught me when I need to self-soothe. Focusing on the rest of my shower regimen allows my mind the reprieve it desperately needs. I work my cherry-scented shampoo into my hair and massage my fingers against my scalp. I can’t help it when a groan or maybe even a moan slips out of my mouth from how good it feels. Pressing a little harder, it’s like the tension is radiating out of my body.

I lean into my own touch and a flush consumes me as Shep’s words replay in my mind. Your body deserves to be worshiped, not bruised. This time it’s definitely a moan that slips out. A certain euphoria overwhelms me as I continue to massage my shampoo into my hair. My hands move from my head to my neck and as I trace my own finger along my collar bones, I imagine Shep doing it.

Just as I truly start to lose myself, Beckett pops into my mind again. My eyes snap open. “Stop it!” I yell at my thoughts and myself. I don’t want to think about him. He doesn’t deserve loyalty from me.

I shake off the lingering disgust and go back to finishing up washing my hair and then my body. I’ve never been very confident in myself or my sexuality, but something about the way Shep desires me so much is having an effect on me. I know my physique is double-take worthy. You don’t swim for as long as I do and not develop a pretty sexy body. I just…never thought about what it might feel like to be truly wanted by someone. Beckett’s certainly never made me feel like that.

I flick my eyes around as if there’s some invisible person watching, then close them again. This time, I focus explicitly on Shep and let my mind truly wander. I think about his rippling abs. I lick my lips at the thought of what his mouth would taste like on mine. My breath quickens and my hand drifts between my legs.

What if…