19. Accidents happen

NINETEEN

ACCIDENTS HAPPEN

HARLOW

Have you ever been in a moment where if you stopped and looked around, you might think you’re in a dream? It’s an eerily calm feeling being somewhere that is new and unfamiliar, but also feels right—feels too good to be true.

Eating dinner at the Ford’s house should have made me want to crawl out of my skin. It should have been scary or made me uncomfortable, but it didn’t. It felt like I didn’t just pull up a seat to their dinner table, but rather, I pulled up a seat to their family. They welcomed me in. They showed me love, and now everything with Shep makes so much more sense.

“Hey, do you think you could roll your back window down some? Dahlia likes to poke her nose out when she’s in the car.” Shep’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I forget I’m not alone.

“Oh, yeah. Sure.” I press the button and watch Dahlia poke her nose out the opening. To say I was shocked that he owned a pitbull would be an understatement. Then to find out he rescued her? So many of my little preconceived ideas I had about Shep were chipped away tonight.

“Is everything okay? You seem a little quiet. Even more than usual,” Shep remarks playfully.

“Yeah, just…thinking.” I keep my gaze out onto the road. It’s almost 8:00 PM now, and we left the rec around 5:45 PM. I still haven’t heard from Lennon and worry is creeping into my stomach. I’m sure everything’s fine, but it’s also not like her to just drop off the grid like this.

“So, we didn’t really get the chance to finish our conversation before dinner and you having to play 20 questions with my dad. Which, I’m sorry about that.” Shep laughs to himself. “I’m sure you realized it’s been awhile since anyone came home with me.”

Honestly, it was refreshing to have someone ask me questions to get to know me, and not just to try and find things out about me. The last few weeks have been full of people being afraid to talk to me, or ask the wrong questions, that nobody has really made an effort to just talk to me and ask me about my life.

Shep’s dad was very intrigued by my interest in communications and what I would do with that major. I explained to him I always enjoyed doing public relations and before I was injured, I did a lot of public speaking for the college and our swim team. He told me the sheriff’s office is always looking for people like that if I ever found myself in need of a job.

It dawned on me in that moment, I never really made plans past graduation since getting injured. I always assumed I’d go on to start training with the hopes of making it to the Olympics. Now? I’m not sure I can even swim butterfly like I used to. Maybe I should start looking for post-grad employment.

“I didn’t mind it. Your parents are really nice. It was good for me.” After spending a few hours in the presence of such kind and authentic people, I don’t have it in me to try and put a mask on for Shep. Maybe for just the rest of this car ride, I can let myself be honest. Maybe I can be authentic with him.

“Can I ask you something?” I don’t mean to blurt out my words but he flinches like I’ve startled him.

“Yeah, of course.” He moves his hand between the gap of the seat and car door to pet Dahlia.

“Why me?”

It’s another question that struck me after spending time with his parents—what would draw him to someone with my circumstances? I haven’t been kind to him. I’m not warm and inviting like Laura and Will. There’s nothing about me that I can really see fitting into Shep’s life, so I want to know.

“What do you mean? Why have I been so persistent with you?” He looks at me pensively.

“I guess that’s one way to put it. I’m just saying, you showed an interest in me without really even knowing me. And yeah, you haven’t given up. I guess I’m just curious if there’s a reason why.” I choose to keep focusing on the road because, while I want to try and be honest with him, I never told myself it would be easy. Keeping my gaze ahead protects me from any further vulnerabilities.

“I see you for more than where you are now.” He pauses and out of the corner of my eye, I can see his hands fidgeting and I know he’s fighting with himself to not touch me.

Something in me wants to reach out and grab his hand. It wasn’t just the time with his parents that made something shift in me, it was the realization that he doesn’t touch me for his own satisfaction. No, it’s like a reflex for Shep to want to be near me. He didn’t have to make any effort when we sat next to each other at dinner, but his elbow would move slightly just to brush up against mine, and then his entire body would relax…

“What I mean by that,” his voice pierces through my musings. “You may be injured, Harlow, and think that’s all you are, but it’s not. I meant what I said when we talked for the first time—I am sorry you’re hurt. But, I’m not sorry that you getting injured landed you in the rec center for practice. I’m not sorry that you getting hurt, led you to me. Sure, I wish we met under different circumstances and I’m sure you can agree with that, but injuries and accidents happen.”

I stir uncomfortably, but Shep either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care and continues to share his thoughts.

“And getting to watch you rehab and work your way back to being cleared for the team has been incredible. I can’t wait to watch you compete when you’re able to. But to answer your question of why, it’s because the way I feel about you is different and I can’t seem to shake it. And before you say anything, I don’t want to shake it. I want to explore it. ” He smiles at me and it’s bewildering to me that rather than meet me at my best and have feelings for me then, Shep has met me at my worst and thinks I’m already worth something.

“I don’t know what else to say other than thank you. I’m not very good with compliments and also the idea that someone sees me the way you do, is just… I can’t comprehend it.” I let out a very loud sigh and Dahlia comes and pokes her snout into my neck. “Oh, hi!”

Shep laughs. “She does that when me or Wes sighs too. I think she’s got some therapy training in her and can sense distress.”

“Speaking of Wes, do you know if he and Lennon have been talking? I tried to mention it to her the other day and she seemed pretty adamant that nothing was going on between them.”

“That’s interesting. Wes said something similar to me, but then he told me he was going to try and study with her, so I’m not really sure. I was pretty shocked though to find out your best friend is who my best friend is into.”

“I’ve thought that too, but also, I don’t think I should let much of anything surprise me lately.” I make a few more turns and as we get closer to campus, I start to feel unsure about the night ending. Shep and I never did talk about my bruises and I don’t want to bring it up, but I also want to make sure he isn’t going to say anything to someone.

Before I can mention it, my phone starts ringing and it’s Lennon. I pull into the parking lot of the rec and find a spot by Shep’s truck.

“Sorry, do you mind if I pick this up actually? I haven’t heard from her much today so I want to make sure everything is okay.” I reach out to press the answer button on my car play screen.

“Of course, I can just hop out.” He goes to reach for the door but I stop him.

“No, just one second. I want to finish our conversation before you go.”

He smiles and leans back into the seat as I pick up the call.

“Hey, Lenny. You’re in my car and I’m not alone. Just wanted to let you know before you say anything.” I laugh.

“Oh okay, well hi, whoever is with Harlow!”

“It’s Shep, actually. I was helping him with something.”

He looks at me with wide eyes.

“Oh, wow, okay. Well, I don’t know if you-know-who would be thrilled about that, but we can talk about that later.”

In a low voice, Shep whispers to me, “Is she talking about Beckett?”

I try to wave him off, returning back to the call but he speaks again.

“Lennon, are you talking about Beckett?” His voice is sharp and I don’t miss how his jaw clenches.

“Well, yeah. I mean the guy really hates you being around Harlow. I think we all learned that after the date party.”

There’s a sudden change in expression on Shep’s face and he directs his attention to me before stating, “It was Beckett, wasn’t it? That’s who gave you those bruises.”

My stomach drops. I open my mouth to speak but Lennon cuts in.

“I’m sorry, what bruises? Beckett did what?”

“Nothing, Len. Nothing. I’ll be home in fifteen.” I hang up the call before reeling on Shep.

“Are you serious?! Do you know what you just did?!” My voice is shaking.

“It was Beckett. You need to tell me what happened, Harlow, and I’m not asking this time. If that piece of shi?—”

“Stop! Just stop!” The scream I was trying to keep strangled in my throat, slips out. “You don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m fine! You don’t need to worry about this. I didn’t ask you to step in and be my hero, Shep.” I shake my head in silence. “This was a mistake. Get out of my car.”

I can see the gears turning in Shep’s head, but to my surprise, he doesn’t argue with me. “Okay, Harlow. Good luck with Beckett.” He unlocks his door then stops for a second, before turning back around and leaning towards me.

I suck a breath in, paralyzed by what’s happening. His lips hover dangerously close to mine and every warning alarm that should be blaring in my head has gone silent. I close my eyes, not preparing myself for him to kiss me, but hoping that if I can’t see what’s happening, then it isn’t really happening.

He brushes his lips on the side of my cheek near my ear, then softly states, “Your body deserves to be worshiped, not bruised.”

I don’t open my eyes until I know he and Dahlia are out of my car. Yet, even as I watch him drive off, knowing I’m alone, his words linger in the air and a strange feeling settles in my chest. I miss the sound of Dahlia’s collar rattling every few minutes.

I miss…Shep.