13. Dear God, please, no.

THIRTEEN

DEAR GOD, PLEASE, NO.

HARLOW

The rest of the weekend moves quickly and before I know it, Sunday is here and I’m getting ready to go meet my parents and Margot at Summit Sandwiches in downtown Everson. As it gets closer to October, the weather starts to drastically cool off in the mountains so I decide an oversized T-shirt, flannel, with my Docs and tights is the perfect look. Smoothing my hair down over my shoulders, I look at myself in the mirror.

I practice a smile. There . That looks like a girl who’s doing just fine. A girl who is almost finished with her shoulder rehab and will be swimming with her teammates soon. The smile slips off my face. I hate how well I can play the part of everything’s great! but at this point, I’m not just playing the part. I’m the lead role and I don’t see the credits coming anytime soon.

I start to make my way out into the living room when I hear ringing from behind me. Turning around, I slap my comforter until my hands discover my phone. Beckett’s name flashes across the screen. I hesitate, but like every time before, I know I can’t avoid him so I lower to my bed and press answer.

“Hi, Beckett,” I force out cheerfully.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“What do you mean? My apartment? Going to my classes?”

“Is there a reason I haven’t seen you since Tuesday?”

“Did we have plans?”

“After the little stunt you pulled Tuesday, I thought you’d want to make it up to me and apologize.”

“Me?!” I blurt out too quickly. “Me, apologize? Are we remembering the same Tuesday night?”

“Don’t get an attitude with me. Once again, I invite you to an event and you make a fool out of me. Except this time, you involved another guy. Like c’mon, Harlow. Why can’t you just let us have fun? We used to be so good together, baby.”

“Fun… Right, well how can I make it up to you, Beckett, since I once again ruined your night?” The words hiss out of my mouth. My patience with him is seriously wearing thin.

“Well you could start by using that mouth for something else. Why haven’t we hung out lately? I miss your body.”

“Ha!” I scoff. “Did you forget I’m injured?”

“So? You could be on top. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about your shoulder.”

My jaw drops. The silence hangs in the air between us for about a minute before he speaks again.

“Well I guess I’ll just take care of myself some other way.”

“Okay.” I deadpan.

It would not surprise me in the least if Beckett has been sleeping around since I got hurt. Not that he and I had much of a sex life, so he already probably wasn’t “faithful,” if you even want to call it that. We’ve never been official but I don’t peg him as the loyal type.

“Actually, how about you make things better by coming to the fall formal with me? Get all beautiful like I know you can and we have a good night together. Just us, like old times. What do you say?”

I was waiting for this since Lennon told me about it at coffee.

“Beckett, can I ask you something?”

“Uh, I guess?”

“Why do we do this? You and me? I clearly can’t do anything right and somehow you still find a reason to hang out and keep up with whatever this is. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why.”

When there’s no reply, I think maybe he’s hung up.

“Really, Harlow? Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Fine. I remember when I first saw you and I thought you were the prettiest girl on campus. I’d never met anyone like you either. You were talented and we had fun together. Look, I know things haven’t been great lately but we’ve been doing this thing for almost two years now. It would make me happy to be the guy who gets to have you on his arm at the formal. It’s one of our last ones. Don’t let me down.”

Part of me softens when I think about the first few formals he and I went to when we first met. When everything was light and easy. Why couldn’t they be like that again? Another part of me—the people pleaser one—doesn’t want to upset him. Not to mention what his reaction might be if I did say no.

“Okay, Beckett. I’ll go with you.”

“Perfect. Let me know what you’re planning on wearing and I’ll see if I can coordinate. I’m sorry ? —”

I hold my breath. Is he actually about to apologize?

“—that you couldn’t enjoy yourself with me on Tuesday. Formal will be better.”

There it is.

“Yeah, okay. If you say so. Look, I gotta go. I’m meeting my family for lunch so I’ll text you when I pick out my dress. Thanks for calling. But hey, one condition for the formal if we’re going to go together?”

“And what’s that?”

“Keep your hands to yourself this time.”

I hang up before he can say anything else. Rolling my eyes, I turn my head and see Lennon through my doorway standing in the kitchen with a cup of coffee.

“What was that about?” she inquires.

I don’t know what all she heard so I play dumb.

“What do you mean?” I get up off my bed and head into the kitchen to meet her.

“Who was that? Beckett?” She sips on her mug and leans against the counter.

“Yeah, he was calling to see how I was feeling and wanted to know if I’d go with him to the fall formal.” I meander through the kitchen and living room, rummaging around for my purse.

“Well that’s good, but I’m more curious about what you said to him before you hung up?” I hear her set the cup down and I freeze.

“Oh, about him keeping his hands to himself?” I respond quietly.

I turn around and Lennon has her arms crossed and she looks very concerned.

“Yeah,” she starts, “Did something happen, or?—”

“Oh gosh, no!” I interrupt her. “No, he was just so handsy on Tuesday and it made me uncomfortable. You know how I am about PDA. Plus, I still don’t feel confident about certain things because of my shoulder. That’s all.” I smile and spot my purse by the door.

Lennon takes a step towards me and puts her hand on my arm. “Harlow?” Her voice is quiet. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right? Between you and Beckett?”

I hold my breath. Is it finally happening? Am I finally going to say it out loud?

“Because I hope you know I love you both and just want you guys to be happy.” She smiles and rubs my arm.

My shoulders sag and I accept the reality that maybe I’ve waited too long to even say something. I can imagine I’d get questioned about why I’m still with him, or why I haven’t told anyone. If only it were as simple as just calling it quits. Besides, Lennon has waved off our past conversations with comments about how rough patches and growing pains are normal in a relationship.

“Right, thanks Lenny.” I kiss her cheek, then grab my purse and dart out the door, feeling like the walls of our apartment are closing in on me.

I spend my drive to meet my family in silence. I think over the last few months and wonder if there even was a way to cut Beckett off when I knew things were getting bad. In reality, the night I got injured should have been the final nail in his coffin since he was so drunk he didn’t even realize I was hurt.

As I pull into a parking spot outside of the sandwich shop, I see Mom and Dad with Margot already sitting down at a table. I observe them for a minute through the window like an outsider. In almost every aspect of my life, I feel like I don’t really fit in anymore. Margot and my parents have always had what appears to be this seamless relationship.

There was some time in Margot’s senior year of high school where we had to all go to counseling as a family, but even then, it didn’t ever feel like my parents were let down by her. When I called Margot to tell her I was hurt, she told my parents for me. I didn’t hear from them for a day, then I got a text from Mom telling me she was sorry. I’m sure she just didn’t know what to say because she and I have never been that close to each other.

Dad called me the next day and we talked for a few minutes. He asked me for details and I avoided giving him specifics. He made a point to tell me that he wasn’t disappointed in me and was just sad that I wouldn’t be starting my season as early as I typically would, but he also chalked that up to how he loved coming to my meets.

I step out of my Bronco and make my way onto the sidewalk to head towards the shop door. Before I can make it there, someone lightly taps on my shoulder.

Dear God, please, no.

“Hey, Harlow.”

I plaster a grin on my face and spin around on my heels to be greeted by Wes and for a moment, I’m distracted. Lennon wasn’t wrong. He’s hot.

He’s got brown messy hair that looks like he runs his hands through it during the day. The tattoos I noticed peeking through his sleeve at the date party are on full display in the pale yellow T-shirt he’s wearing with black jeans and Converse. Alright, I get it, Lenny.

“Oh, hey.” I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Expecting someone else?” he says with a shy smile. “Maybe my best friend?”

“I just didn’t know who it was. I’ve had lots of surprise encounters the last couple days.” I laugh a little.

“I gotcha, well I just wanted to see if you’re feeling better. Lennon was really worried about you Tuesday and I saw your text about getting sick and leaving.” He tucks his hands into his pockets.

“Oh, yeah, something didn’t sit right with me. But, you were with Lennon after I left?” I look over my shoulder and see my family has noticed me. They wave and I wave back, letting them know I’ll be just another minute by holding up my pointer finger.

Wes smiles and nods. “Yeah, just for a little. We weren’t like, together . I mean, we were together, but not like?—”

I shake my head, sorry to have gotten him all worked up. “I think I asked the wrong question here. Hey, I’m meeting my family for lunch but thanks for checking on me. I’ll let Lennon know I saw you?” I ask because it feels like something’s going on and I’m not sure what mess I just stumbled into.

“No! No, I just mean, it’s not a big deal. We don’t talk like that or anything. We don’t talk at all actually.” He stops speaking for a second and a frantic look washes over his face. “I’ve also gotta go. I’m meeting my sister at Boulder! Have a nice lunch.” Wes steps forward and I realize too late that he’s a hugger so I’m caught with my arms slack by my sides while he lightly wraps his arms around me. I pat his back, then step away and shake my head, dumbfounded at this entire encounter while he turns to head off.

“Oh, hey!” I call after him. “Same goes for me, don’t tell Shep you saw me.”

He salutes then walks off in the opposite direction.

I open the door and finally head to the table my family is sitting at. Dad speaks first, “New friend?” and points at the window where Wes and I were just talking.

“Oh, no, well, kind of? I’m not sure actually, but he’s a lifeguard at the rec center so I see him around.” I bend down and hug him before walking over and hugging Mom too. Margot just extends her finger and I boop it with mine. Something we’ve done since we were kids, with no real meaning other than our way of just saying, hey, love you .

I sit down and don’t pick up the menu. There’s no need. I’m ordering grilled cheese with tomato soup. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s comfort food at its finest.

“So, how’s everything been going?” Mom gets right to the point.

“I’m okay, just been busy with my rehab practices and then keeping up with classes. Nothing’s really changed except I haven’t had any meets yet.” I smile at the waitress who walks over in the middle of our conversation and takes our orders.

As she walks away, Margot cuts in, “Well I’m glad to see you! You look great and I love the outfit.”

“Thanks, sis.” I offer her a shy smile. If only she knew what it was covering up.

“So what’s your timeline looking like then? Until you can compete?” Dad sips his water after he asks his question and I can tell he’s worried about pushing too far.

“I’m hoping for two more weeks, but Coach said maybe three to four. It just depends. We agreed that I’ll start out doing some freestyle events before getting back to swimming fly.” I reach out and put my hand on his. His eyes twinkle at me and I know he loves me but I still can’t help feeling like I’ve disappointed him too.

“Well that’s great news, dear!” Mom speaks, then looks at Margot and then back at me.

Margot smiles sheepishly and goes to open her mouth but our food arrives and takes the moment from her. I don’t let it go though, and once everyone is settled with their orders, I start the conversation.

“Margot, is there something you wanted to talk about?” I raise an eyebrow at her and flash a look of skepticism.

“Kind of, but I didn’t want this lunch to be about me.” She takes a bite of her sandwich and relief floods my body.

God, PLEASE make this lunch about you.

“Oh, honey, don’t start,” Mom rolls her eyes. “Margot got offered a job at Everson!” The shrill in her voice makes me cringe and I look at Dad and then Margot who are both quietly chewing their food.

“That’s—well, wait, is it good? What are you doing?” I ask while blowing on my soup to cool it down.

“They want to bring me on as an advisor and student counselor,” Margot answers. “I wasn’t sure about it but then I realized I would get to be close to everyone again and that could be good!”

Dad nods his head but doesn’t say much. Why do I get the feeling there’s more to this than they’re letting on? Then it hits me.

“Oh my gosh, it’s to keep an eye on me isn’t it? Y'all are worried I’m going to, what, get depressed or something? Stop swimming?” Exasperation fills my tone and I slouch down into my chair. “That’s exactly what it is, isn’t it?”

Now it’s Dad who is quick to speak. “I told them,” he glares at Mom and Margot, “you are doing just fine, but Margot wants to be there for you.”

“I’m just glad both of my girls will be close by again,” Mom says.

“I am FINE!” I raise my voice a little and a few heads turn our direction. “Why is everyone so concerned that I’m going to just fall apart or something? I’m not some fragile little thing. You guys have no idea what I’ve been dealing with and now you want to just rush in and keep tabs on me like a child?”

“No! Sissy, that’s not it at all. I just, ugh,” Margot sighs then looks at Mom. “I told you I shouldn’t have brought this up today.”

Mom rolls her eyes again, waving her hand in dismissal.

“I won’t lie, I am worried. But I really took the job because it has great pay, benefits, and I miss Everson.” Margot half smiles at me before looking down at her food.

There are so many ways I could respond at this moment. So many choice words that would continue to express how I’m feeling but I swallow my emotions and take a deep breath before smiling back. “Okay, when do you start?”

Her eyes light up. “The new year! I have to help transfer some of my own patients to other providers but then I’ll be transitioning into my position with the school.”

“Are you living nearby? Or what are you doing with your house?” Margot lives about an hour out of town in a sweet little house. She was so proud to afford it all on her own and she’s put so much character into it since she bought it.

“I’m renting it out to a mom I connected with through someone at my office. I found another place right near here actually. I’ll move out in January and the new tenants will take over in the spring.” She reaches her hand out and I know she wants the assurance that I really am not upset with her.

I boop her finger and Dad interjects, “This is nice. I’m glad we did this.” Then laughs dryly while looking at Mom who has a sour face.

We finish eating and have small talk about different events coming up, I mention the formal, Dad talks about the changes in our town, just the usual. As we get ready to leave, Mom and Margot go to use the restroom and I’m left alone with Dad.

“Hey, Harlow, listen to me for a second.” Dad speaks softly and I turn to face him. “You take your time getting better, okay? You know I miss seeing you swim, but your healing is what matters to me and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel differently.”

He reaches out and envelops me in a hug that I didn’t know I needed. Tears immediately spring to my eyes and I nod my head yes into his burly chest. “It’s okay, Dad. I’m sorry I let you down.”

He pulls away from me and holds my face in his rough calloused hands. “You could never let me down. You are so much more to me than just my talented fishy.” He kisses the top of my head and pulls me in for another hug.

We stay like this until Mom and Margot walk over and then we all say goodbye.

As I get into my car, I sit in the front seat and let the words of my dad wash over me. I wish I could agree with him. I wish I didn’t feel like I was a let down. I wish I believed I was more than just the top swimmer at Everson. But when one thing has defined you for most of your life, and that one thing is momentarily stripped away…? A deep ache fills my chest and a question runs through my mind that’s been haunting me since I got injured.

If I’m not Harlow, the swimmer, then who am I?