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5 - Landon

5

Landon

I glanced at my watch. She was late. Only by a minute, but that wasn't a good sign for the woman I was trusting to pretend to be my girlfriend.

The whole thing was a mistake. It had sounded smarter when I came up with the idea, but now that it was time? I saw how ridiculous it was. It would be better to call the whole thing off and make up some excuse.

I pulled out my phone and texted Joanna.

Me : This is a bad idea. Let's call the whole thing off. Thanks for offering to help.

As soon as the text was away, a deep sense of relief washed over me. I could just be myself tonight. My family would give me a hard time about being single, but I could handle that. I'd been handling their disappointment my entire life.

A flash of red caught my eye, and she walked in. Joanna was shorter than me, even while wearing heels. Her yellow-blonde hair hung down around her shoulders in ringlets, and her ruby-red cocktail dress showed a tasteful amount of cleavage.

She's hot , I thought as she weaved through the restaurant toward the bar. She also looks angry, and she's walking fast…

"Oh no you don't," she said as soon as she reached me, wagging a finger in my face. "You can't cancel on me right as I'm walking into the restaurant. Not after I spent two hours getting ready. And especially not after I turned down a second date with a man who has a vibrator for a tongue!"

Her forwardness caught me off guard. I wasn't used to being yelled at by strangers.

"It's a mistake," I said. "The whole thing, pretending you're my girlfriend just to keep my family from trying to set me up with everyone they know…"

"Of course it's a mistake!" she practically hissed at me. Even angry, she was painfully attractive. I kept my gaze focused on her big blue eyes. "This whole plan is dumb. But that's not my problem. We had a deal , and I'm here to honor my part. So don't you dare back out on me now."

"Okay, okay," I said, holding out my palms. "We'll stick to the plan."

She was wearing a little bit of eyeliner, which made her gaze drill into me. "And then you'll get me that job at DefTec."

"I'll do everything I can."

Joanna leaned past me to order a drink from the bartender. Her scent invaded my senses—lavender and a hint of something flowery. After making the order, she leaned her elbow on the bar and narrowed her eyes at me.

"I don't want you to do everything you can," she said flatly. "I want you to get me the job like you promised."

"Actually, what I promised was to make sure your resume goes to the top of the pile," I clarified. "I'm not part of the decision making process for the position."

I could tell Joanna wasn't happy with this. She chewed on the inside of her lip and looked everywhere except at me. "Can you put in a good word, too?"

"I'll try," I promised.

She finally held out her hand. "Then we have a deal. My name is Joanna, and I'm your girlfriend for the evening. So, what's our backstory?"

I shook her hand. "You're a lawyer, so I figured we should say that we met doing something work-related."

"Maybe at a conference?" Joanna suggested.

"There was a conference on Intellectual Property law in Milwaukee two months ago. That's perfect; that would be about a month after my ex and I broke up."

The bartender delivered a double shot of tequila to Joanna. "Put it on his tab," she said, nodding at me. "Okay, what was our first date?"

"I'm open to suggestions."

Joanna furrowed her brow in thought. "Dinner in the city, and then we got drinks after."

"That sounds like my style. What's your background?"

We spent a few minutes giving each other a crash course on our lives. Where we grew up, where we went to college, the size of our families.

"We've got five more minutes before everyone arrives for dinner," I said. "Can you think of anything else you need to know?"

"How long until we slept together?" Joanna asked.

"My parents won't ask that."

"I would like to know for my own character's backstory," she said, staring at me expectantly from behind her glass of tequila.

"We made out on the first date, but didn't sleep together until the second," I answered.

"Wow," Joanna said with a small smile. "I didn't know I had that much restraint."

"You knew this relationship had potential, so you didn't want to rush into things," I explained.

"This version of me sounds smart," Joanna said. "Who do I need to impress the most tonight?"

"My mother," I replied. "I want to make sure you sit next to her. She's the one we need to convince. She needs to love you."

"Why does it matter if she loves me?"

"Because," I said, "if she doesn't like you, then she'll still try to set me up with her coworkers. She's an elementary teacher, and there are approximately seven billion of her young, single colleagues that she wants to set me up with. My brother is getting married next weekend, and then we're going on a big family honeymoon together. The next two weeks will be miserable if my mom isn't convinced that you're amazing. So it's your job to do and say whatever it takes to make her happy."

"I understand the assignment. Don't worry—parents love me. I still get text messages from two of my ex's mothers. By the end of the night, she'll be begging you to propose to me."

I nodded, but my attention was at the front of the restaurant. I could see my family walking in from the parking lot. "That's them. Any final questions before we do this?"

"How long is your penis?"

I stared at her.

"It's vitally important that my character knows this information," she said with complete seriousness.

"Ten inches," I replied. "Flaccid."

Joanna giggled. "So you do have a sense of humor."

"Any other legitimate questions?"

She knocked back the rest of her tequila and shook her head. "I'm ready. Don't worry: this will be the best twenty thousand dollars you've ever spent."

"That wasn't part of the deal."

She tilted her head. "Ten thousand dollars?"

"You're not taking this seriously."

"I'm taking this night as seriously as it deserves." She threaded her arm into mine. "Let's go meet mommy and daddy."

I let out a long sigh. It was already feeling like this night was going to be a mistake.

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