CHAPTER 25

mateo

J amie had left. Had walked away from me. Had ended things between us. And I had done nothing to stop him from leaving. Because why would he stay? What had I ever given him that would encourage him to stay with me? I had so little to offer him. I already knew that but maybe he had finally realised it too.

His words were hurting like hell but I also knew he was right. He did deserve better than me. He deserved so very much better than me.

I'd crushed Nick's sunshine once and now I'd crushed Jamie's. And it hurt like hell, knowing I had done that to both of them. To Nick. Now to Jamie. It hurt almost as much as … well, no. Not almost as much as. It hurt equally as much as when Nick had walked away from me. It was the exact same kind of hurt and loss and heartache.

I somehow managed to get in my car and drive the distance back to Esperance. I ended up back home, not at the office where I was supposed to be. I didn't have it in me to front up for the rest of the day at work. So I let myself inside and then shut myself away in my bedroom.

And then I did what I hadn't let myself do for a long time, not since those first few weeks since I had met Jamie – I curled up under my blankets and closed my eyes on the world.

I didn't want to go to Sydney anymore. I wanted to just stay in bed where I'd been since yesterday after that coffee with Jamie. Rob probably didn't even know I was in here. He probably assumed I'd stayed at Jamie's like I had so many nights before. Rob had gotten home late on Thursday and was up for his early morning start today like usual. I had no reason to get up. Everything hurt so much.

I called in sick to the office. Dante would be showing the prospective buyer the place today so it was probably for the best I wasn't there. I just couldn't face it anyway. Couldn't face Dante who would take one look at me and know. I just couldn't.

Glen called me in the early afternoon, just making sure I was all set for tomorrow's shoot and I just played along because I knew deep down I wasn't going to miss the shoot. This was the only thing my life was about really and I needed to do this.

So I got out of bed, showered and washed my hair and then I threw clothes and all my hair and skincare products into my suitcase and waited for Nick and Rob. We hit the road at half past four, me curled up in the back seat of Nick's Jeep Wrangler while Rob and Nick chatted easily in the front seat. If they noticed I was not okay they didn't say anything and I was grateful for that.

It was a long drive to Sydney and it gave me too much thinking time. Thinking about me and Jamie. About the relationship we probably had, the one I had been in total denial about, and the relationship we could have had. Was it my imagination or had he hinted that he was in love with me while he was breaking up with me yesterday?

I didn't know much about relationships. I had a lot of unhealthy ones around me, like my relationship with my parents and the love they had given me that came with a whole lot of strings and conditions.

I had great friendships, two of those really that had given me everything I had thought I needed. There was Dante and Giulia too, my adopted family who loved me unconditionally and had shown me what true, familial love was meant to be.

And there was Nick and that brief moment in our long history where we had stepped outside of our friendship and tried something more. But at the beating heart of Nick's and my relationship was a longstanding friendship which I now recognised had been what defined us and formed the basis of everything.

And I knew that now because then there was Jamie. And Jamie was still a puzzle to me. I knew I had feelings towards him and the further I drove away from him, the bigger I realised those feelings might have been. He had shown me a different type of relationship, one I was coming to see was a romantic one where love and trust and respect were its basis. Friendship was there too but it wasn't what held it up.

No, it was more than that. A whole hell of a lot more than that.

And I might have just made the biggest mistake of my life.

It was probably a good thing my thoughts and emotions were so all over the place because it meant I hardly reacted when we pulled up outside a small apartment building in Sydney's inner east and Ajay ran straight into Nick's arms. I hadn't seen them together since summer time and I watched with a detachment I didn't know I could feel as Nick pulled Ajay into his arms, kissing him like he hadn't seen him since then either.

I tried to look away when they broke the kiss and Nick leant his forehead against Ajay's, hand cupping his cheek and thumb skating his cheekbone, the moment so tender and sweet I felt something kick in my guts which I had a feeling wasn't actually jealousy.

Rob broke their tender moment, enveloping Ajay in a hug that pulled him off his feet. "Tassie! I missed you," he enthused while Ajay laughed and Nick grumped at having his boyfriend stolen from him.

"I missed you too, Rob," Ajay replied, that sweet smile that had sucked Nick in so fiercely out in full force. Ajay's eyes flicked to me then and the smile dropped a little. I knew I deserved that reaction. I'd never given Ajay anything other than a cold shoulder and I knew I wouldn't be getting a greeting like Rob had just received.

Instead, I nodded at him, hoping that was sufficient as a greeting but Ajay nodded back, that sweet smile back on his face as Nick gripped onto his hand. I exhaled a breath of air as I moved to the boot to haul out our luggage, noting Rob and Nick had only brought a backpack each.

Rob and Ajay were talking a mile a minute as we trudged up the stairs to the loft apartment Ajay shared with Nick's brother, Dane, Nick still holding tightly to his boyfriend's hand. I brought up the rear, only now realising how awkward this weekend could end up being. It spoke volumes of Ajay as a person that he had even agreed to let me stay at his place and I hadn't really considered that angle before. Not that I should have been surprised. Nick was an absolute sucker for a kind heart, something I'd never really exuded all that much of.

Not like Ajay and his sweetness and that innocent, angelic look he had perfected to a fine art with his big brown eyes and cute brown curls, quite possibly all a fa?ade if I had picked up on Nick's whispered hints to Rob. Not that I really wanted to know about that.

"Well, this is it," Ajay was saying as he led the way into the two bedroom loft apartment. It was a sweet set up with its high ceilings, exposed red bricks and industrial black steel beams. It had a real edgy vibe that was accentuated by a bright, funky kitchen. "Dane is staying with Dee this weekend so we have his queen bed and the sofa. You can split or share. Whichever you'd prefer."

"I'm going to be a gentleman and let Mateo have the bed," Rob said, sending a wink my way. "He has to work tomorrow."

"Thanks, man. I do need my beauty sleep," I replied, trying to smile. My statement was met by silence and I glanced up to see the three of them looking at me, matching raised eyebrows and bemused expressions. "What?"

"Nothing. Just don't think a hundred years of sleep would ever make anyone as pretty as you," Rob laughed, landing a heavy arm over my shoulder.

"Whatever," I huffed, knocking his arm off me. "You all don't mind if I hit the sack? I have an early start tomorrow morning."

"Yeah, course," Nick replied. "I'll show you where everything is."

Nick led me towards one of the doors that led off the main living space and opened it to the relatively spacious bedroom with its queen size bed, a desk and Dane's musical instruments.

"You can leave your suitcase here," Nick continued. "The bathroom is out on the other side." He showed me to the bathroom, a small but neat space with just a shower and a vanity and an adjacent toilet and gave me a spare towel from the cupboard.

"Thanks," I said.

"You have everything you need?" Nick asked. I could see the concern in his eyes and I knew I needed to get away from him behind closed doors in case I did something stupid. Like cry.

"All good," I managed.

"Let me know if you need anything," he continued. "Will you need a lift to your photoshoot tomorrow? I can take you."

"Nah I'll just get an Uber," I told him.

"Okay, if you're sure."

"I am. Night everyone," I called, backing my way into Dane's bedroom and closing the door.

I lay in bed afterwards, a heaviness to my heart as I listened to the muted tones of conversation and laughter from outside my bedroom door. I knew I could have been out there with them, having fun with my best friends and Ajay too but I just didn't have it in me right then.

I lay there for ages, just thinking, listening as the conversation died down outside as the others went to bed. Listening to the quieter voices of Nick and Ajay through the thin wall that separated our bedrooms. Listening as the conversation turned into another set of unmistakeable sounds and feeling … well, not feeling a thing really as I listened to the sounds of the man I thought I loved more than anyone in the world making love to his boyfriend.

Today's photoshoot was for a new, edgy clothing brand called DNR who were targeting the younger university crowd and they'd picked a ripper day for it. It was all being shot outside on location at a private house that backed onto the Sydney Harbour. I felt at home as I was ushered into one of the trailers and stripped down to nothing before being carefully dressed and sent for hair and makeup.

There were three models on this shoot, one of them, Ryan, a guy I had worked with several times before. He was gorgeous with an edgy look that suited the brand with his shaved head, dark skin and full set of piercings. The other guy, Adrian, I hadn't met before but he looked more preppy like me and we shook hands as we waited for the director to start the shoot.

DNR had put a lot of money into this shoot and we had a full day scheduled ahead of us to cover their entire winter range meaning we'd be having multiple outfit changes. I'd already spotted Glen schmoozing in the background, waving to him as he scoffed a cream bun from the grazing table. The one the models never got to sample from whether by nutritional choice or because we didn't have someone to bring food over for us. Like Jamie had done for me at my last shoot.

The shoot started and we were moved into position by the professional team who shifted the three of us around the site for the group shots. Some of the shots were a little provocative and I loved that about this brand, that they were prepared to push the boundaries.

I'd worked with Ryan on similar shoots in the past and I knew neither of us had a problem with these poses including the one we were shooting right now. The one with my hand on his chest and his splayed possessively on my ass as I leaned into his open legs while he perched up on a stone fence. I remembered Jamie asking about whether I got to shoot with other guys and me telling him how much I liked doing shoots like these.

I glanced up, eyes almost seeking out his bright blue gaze in the crowd even though I knew he wasn't here. He could have been here though if I'd just agreed to him coming. Instead of pulling the detonator on our relationship.

I'd loved having Jamie on set at the last photoshoot, had relished those times I had glanced up only to see his heated gaze on me. It had made it a challenge keeping things professional with the girl straddling my lap.

"Nice, Mateo," the director called. "Keep that broody expression going. I'm loving it." Yeah, that was not a challenge. That broody expression was my natural state. No wonder I was so good at modelling.

I wondered what Jamie would think of this shoot, whether he would like it or whether he liked the other one more because it was spicier. I wasn't entirely sure but something in the back of my mind was telling me it wasn't the nudity or the spice that Jamie had liked about being on set. It was being with me. Because that was the kind of guy he was. Yeah, he liked the way I looked but I also knew that wasn't the only thing he liked about me. Unlike pretty much every other guy I had ever been with before.

"Oh shit. I'm in love with him," I rasped, the knowledge hitting me square in the head at the same time it thumped into place in my heart.

"In love with who?" Ryan asked, hand shifting on my ass.

"Jamie. My … boyfriend."

"That's great, man. Happy for you," he said.

"I would be happy for me too except for the fact he dumped me this week because I couldn't tell him I love him," I said, the thought making my airwaves constrict. Had I lost him forever? Could I get him back or was he done with me for good?

"Well, bro. Sounds like you might have solved both your problems then," Ryan shrugged.

I laughed. "Sounds like I might have. Who said models are dumb?"

"Not me. I'm two years into completing my PhD in molecular biology."

"Isn't being pretty enough?" I chuffed. "You also have to be a genius?"

"Nothing wrong with being both," Ryan winked, and I could only laugh again as a sense of rightness and relief crossed over me as something settled deep within.

Yes, I loved Jamie. That weirdness, that unsettled feeling, that sense of loss and grief I'd felt over the past few days at the thought of having lost him made it seem so obvious that I was ashamed it had taken me so long to get here. But I also had a growing sense inside me that maybe I shouldn't be ashamed. Because I also had another sense that maybe this was the first time I'd felt this way before. Maybe I had mistaken love for something else in the past but I knew what it was now, now that I'd finally had it and maybe lost it.

I just had to get through today, get through another night in Sydney and then race back down the coast to find Jamie before it was too late for us. At least, that was what I rested my hopes on, that I hadn't messed things up so badly that he was gone forever.