CHAPTER 24

jamie

I was in serious, serious trouble. I'd just sent Mateo off back home after spending the entire weekend with him and I was in trouble. Serious, serious trouble.

I'd been half a second away from begging him to stay the night again, to fall asleep beside each other and wake up with his beautiful face the first thing I would see.

But I didn't and I'd instead stood on the pavement and watched him drive his sweet Alfa Romeo back home to Esperance, feeling like I was watching my heart drive away. Yes, I was being dramatic and probably ridiculous too. Because despite everything, despite all that we had shared, our epic weekend together, the best and probably the most sex I had ever had in my life, despite all of that, I still had no idea where I stood with him.

All I knew was that I was in deep and in some kind of danger of sinking even deeper. And Mateo, sweet, funny and kind once you dug deep enough through the aloof fa?ade and the layers and layers of walls and fortified barriers, still had no idea what he had done to me.

I was going to have to talk to him, like Kelly had suggested. I was just going to have to find some way to bring it up with him even though it seemed like the hardest conversation I could ever imagine. Because I was falling hard and fast and I was afraid of what I would find at the bottom.

And I was going to start with now by sending him a text message and not one that was just to organise logistics or our next meet up like we usually sent. I wanted him to know I was thinking about him and missing him already. I knew it was not our usual way of communicating but maybe I would have to be the one to change things up. I couldn't leave these things to Mateo because I just wasn't sure his mind was wired to think like mine, to obsess over another person and wonder what they were doing, what they were thinking about, hoping they were thinking of you.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket before I could overthink it and tapped out a message.

Message

(Today) at 5:58pm

ME:

I'm watching you drive away from

me. I miss you already. I had a great

weekend with you.

I waited a full five minutes out there on the footpath before I realised he wouldn't be replying any time soon. Besides, it was a good twenty minute drive from Sorrento to Esperance and he needed to concentrate on driving.

Still, I was a little disappointed at exactly how long it took before he finally replied to my message as I lay in my bed alone that night.

Message

(Today) at 10:36pm

MATEO:

I hope you're not still outside on the

footpath. You should go inside. It's

cold out.

MATEO:

And I miss you too.

I wish I could say my heart didn't soar over the words in his second text. I wish I could pretend it didn't matter that he might be missing me too. I wish I could have stopped myself from replying almost the same instant he'd sent his text.

ME:

What do you miss?

MATEO:

I miss all the sex I'm not having

right now.

ME:

I miss having your warm body

sleeping beside me. My bed feels

cold without you.

MATEO:

I might be missing that too...

ME:

If I had asked you to stay tonight

would you have?

MATEO:

Maybe. But you have an early

shift and I have to work

tomorrow too.

ME:

I know. Are you in bed?

MATEO:

Yes.

ME:

What are you wearing?

MATEO:

Something purple.

ME:

I'm going to need photographic

evidence. Immediately.

I waited with my eyes pinned to the screen, wondering if Mateo would come out and play. I didn't have to wait long, a sizzling image lighting up my phone thirty seconds later which had my blood pooling and my pulse racing. It was followed with a simple message stating, ‘ your turn ' and I smiled to myself. Yep, Mateo had come out to play all right.

Bill, of course, had noticed the increased frequency of text notifications popping up on my screen that week. A fact he took great delight in teasing me about whenever and wherever he could. Didn't matter if we had a patient or a member of their family in the back of the ambulance. Bill took every opportunity available to him.

For my part, I didn't mind the teasing all that much because I had discovered that Mateo had rather good texting game, a fact that was pleasing me to no end.

Unfortunately for me, Bill knew my passcode and I really should have known better than leaving my phone within reach of him. Especially while I was held up filling in paperwork after we had just finished transferring a patient to the regional hospital.

"Phwoar," Bill gaped, eyes pinned on my phone screen. "Your man is seriously hot, Jamie."

"Hey! Put that phone down this instant," I demanded.

"At least that explains why you've been so distracted all week," Bill murmured, ignoring my command as he continued flicking through the photos we'd been exchanging all week. Most of them were just thirst trap pics but some of them were certainly of the racy variety. I glanced over his shoulder, too far away to snatch my phone but knowing what he would see on the next shot as panic rose in my chest.

"Stop right there," I told him. "I mean it, Bill. I'm not sure our friendship will survive what you see on the next photo."

"Ah, damn," Bill grimaced, finger hovering above my phone. "I was really enjoying it so far."

"I don't know why. You're supposed to be straight. Not to mention married," I returned.

"I know, dude," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm feeling seriously conflicted over here."

"Why? You scared cos you got hard over a guy?" I laughed.

Bill grumbled and shifted in his seat before blessedly shutting down my phone. I finished the paperwork and grabbed my phone from him, putting it in my back pocket.

"I'm changing my passcode," I told him.

"Probably for the best," he agreed.

"Don't want to be tempted to look? Is that it?" I chided.

"Don't get me wrong. I love my wife and I will worship that woman until the day I die," he told me. "But maybe I'm not as straight as I thought I was."

"You really wanted to look at the pictures that bad, hey buddy?" I teased, safe now that I had my phone back in my possession.

"At least explain them to me?" he begged. "What is it you saved me from seeing?"

"Can't tell you, sorry. Gay club rules."

"There's a gay club?"

"Yep. And you don't know the secret handshake so I can't tell you."

"Now you're just pulling my leg," he groaned. "Didn't I just admit I might be just a tiny bit not straight?"

"I'm glad for you, man, really I am. Just stop ogling my guy, yeah?"

"Ha. So you admit he is your man?" Bill grinned, delight on his face as I walked right into his trap.

I sighed heavily. "I have no idea. I wish I could say he was."

"Yeah, me too. Wouldn't mind having that eye candy around the place," Bill grinned.

"Seriously. Stop drooling over him," I groaned. "Do you know how much time and effort I have to expend trying to convince Mateo he's not just his body?"

"Okay, okay," Bill laughed, hands up in surrender. "I promise to be respectful and speak only of his incredible personality and kindness of heart going forward."

"Thank you," I returned magnanimously.

"You want my advice though? Lock that man down as soon as you can, Jamie. I'm on Kel's side now. Put a ring on that finger as soon as humanly possible."

"Oh, Bill," I sighed. "If only it was that simple."

Work had gotten in the way of seeing Mateo this week. But my shifts transferred to afternoons on Thursday so I sent Mateo a text to see if he could meet up for a coffee that morning. I hadn't seen him since the weekend but our text banter hadn't let up in the days since and I now had a growing pile of photos that I'd saved over to my secret folder to get me through the nights. I'd learnt my lesson after Bill had caught me out.

I drove to Cat's Cradle and arrived just before ten, ordering both our coffees while I waited for Mateo to arrive. He stepped through the door just a few minutes later, looking like a breath of fresh air. I'd never given much thought to fashion before I'd met Mateo but he always managed to look so put together, like he was preparing for a walk on a runway. This morning he was in a light grey henley, the colour setting off his olive skin and highlighting the blonde tips in his hair. My eyes slid down the rest of him, snagging on those tan pants he wore to perfection, snug in all the right places.

"Hi," I said, never quite sure whether to stand and embrace him or not. He seemed to hesitate over it too before deciding to slide into the booth across from me. He might have been out to his parents now but that didn't mean he was ready for public displays of affection and I had to respect that.

"You look beautiful," I added, knowing how much he liked those compliments. He didn't disappoint, a smile lighting up his already glowing face.

"You too," he replied. I leant back in my seat as I studied him, noting the lightness about him that had never been there before. He looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off those shoulders of his. And that lightness sure suited him.

"How has your week been?" I asked.

"Good," he grinned. The waiter arrived with our coffees and Mateo shot me another smile before he continued. "Dante has been in the office a few hours this week which has been nice. He actually has someone coming to look at the business tomorrow."

"Really?" I asked. "And how do you feel about that?"

"Honestly, Jamie, I feel amazing about it," he told me. "Dante has been so good about everything. He's all but desperate to give me whatever I want, whether that's a guarantee of a job as a condition of sale to the new owner or staying on as a consultant type role like he'll be doing."

"Is that something you'd be interested in doing?"

He huffed a laugh. "No, not really. Dante always likes to conveniently forget I have no actual qualifications. Even if he'd given me the firm I would have still had to employ a qualified architect. I've learnt a lot on the job but it doesn't make up for lack of formal training."

"Looks like the path to what you really want to do is opening up for you," I said.

"Looks like it."

I took a sip of my coffee, watching him do the same. I sucked in a shaky breath before I spoke. "So, you owe me a date."

Mateo huffed another laugh, something I realised I was hearing a lot more of lately. "I was wondering if you had forgotten."

"Never," I assured him. "I was thinking maybe I could take you out this Saturday. Somewhere classy and sophisticated, a little like you."

"I promise I'm not backing out of our agreement," Mateo replied, "but I'm actually going to be up in Sydney this weekend. I have another shoot."

"Oh," I said, disappointment hitting me square on the shoulders. "You never said."

"Ah, sorry. Had a lot on my mind lately."

I mulled his comment for the moment, knowing that was true. "You know, I could come up with you to Sydney again? I had fun the last time and maybe I could take you out afterwards."

Mateo shifted nervously in his seat and I felt a little tug of warning in my gut.

"I um, I'm actually going up with Rob and Nick," he told me, that little warning signal flaring even brighter. But it wasn't the fact he hadn't told me he was going up to Sydney with Nick that was making that lead sink in my stomach. It was the fact he couldn't look me in the eye when he said it, almost like he knew he had to hide his feelings from me.

I sucked in a breath of air, knowing the little conversation I'd been shying away from had suddenly jumped up the priority list. Kelly had urged me to talk to Mateo and Bill had now too. I just wasn't sure I was ready for this and I sure as hell wasn't ready for Mateo's response. But I had to say it anyway. I had to know.

"And what is it that you're hoping to achieve out of a weekend away with Nick?" I asked, leaning back in my seat to give myself a little distance.

"What do you mean by that?" Mateo asked, those walls I had managed to breach suddenly back up.

"I mean, are you going up to Sydney with him as his friend? Or are you still clinging to hope that he might love you again?"

There. The words were out between us and I couldn't take them back even as I watched Mateo's face pale and I wished I could kiss him instead.

"I … I don't know," Mateo admitted. "I haven't really thought about it all that much lately. I've had so much other stuff going on that I don't really know where my head is at."

"Think about it now," I pressed, knowing I needed something from him.

"That's … that's not fair, Jamie," he replied. "I've always been honest with you about Nick. Maybe if I just had a bit of time to think …"

"You need time to think about whether you're still in love with Nick?" I asked, trying to keep myself calm when part of me wanted to shout. Or cry.

"Yes. No. I mean, I don't know," Mateo answered, sinking down in his seat. "I don't know, Jamie. I don't have an answer for you right now. I know you deserve one but I just …"

"It's okay, Mateo," I told him, watching as his eyes lifted to mine, saw the anguish in them. I knew I could have just left it there, knew I could have just coasted along with this undefined, uncommitted relationship or whatever it was we were doing.

But I just couldn't. I had too much self-respect for that. I'd been here before and I knew it never ended well for me. I always gave too much of myself and then had the audacity to expect it back. When would I learn I couldn't do half measures?

"You can have the time you need," I told him, defeat heavy on my heart. "But I'm not going to just keep waiting around, hoping that one day you'll pick me. That one day you'll see me as something other than your second choice. I've spent a lot of time these past few months trying to get you to know how worthy you are of love. Of both giving it and receiving it. And I'm hopeful that you will eventually see how much you have to offer someone.

"But you know what? I'm worthy of it too, Mateo. I'm worth having someone who will fight for me the way I'll always fight for him. I'm worthy of having someone love me back the way I've fallen in love with him. I'm worth not being the consolation pick."

"Jamie, I … that's not how I …" he stammered, face paling even more. He reached out a shaky hand to where mine was resting on the table but paused before he got there, the weight of public scrutiny still insurmountable for him.

"I know that's not what you intended," I replied, trying to assure him while I kept my emotions in check. "And I know it's not your fault. About Nick. You have been honest with me the whole time and I guess, well, I guess I just hoped that we'd built something between us that might have meant as much to you as it does to me. Because I feel I've been just as honest with you this whole time that I don't do casual. I do relationships and commitment and I've tried to be so patient with you because I really thought we had something here, Mateo.

"You know I'll never get in the way of your friendship with Nick and I don't expect you to ever choose between us. But I can't keep doing this, Mateo. It's not fair to me."

Mateo said nothing, his face blank but his eyes bereft. Eventually he nodded, agreeing with me on that point at least. The look in his eyes, those dark, inky orbs was swirling with emotions as he watched while I rose to my feet. I reached across to his hand, daring to squeeze it just once before dropping it, enjoying that last moment of his warmth.

And then I did the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.

I walked away from him.