Chapter 37

37

HAWK

T he day after Thanksgiving was ice cold, the bite in the air slicing to the bone as Dad and I raced from his truck into his office. We were spending the morning at the port together, and with the world still white and everything quiet and calm outside, I was looking forward to spending this time with him before I left for LA tomorrow.

“Whew,” Dad said, rubbing his hands together and blowing warm air onto them as he shut the door against the wind outside. “It’s freezing out there. I guess winter is finally here, huh?”

“Yep.” I rubbed my arms and strode over to the coffeemaker standing on a rickety old table in the corner, turning it on and hoping it was faster than it looked. “Winnie will be happy. Apparently, it’s not normal for the weather to still be fine this time of year.”

Dad chuckled. “It’s going to take her some time to adjust, that’s for sure. She will, though. Kids are resilient.”

“Yeah, I know.” I exhaled, staring at the boats anchored to the docks outside the window as I waited for the machine to do its thing. “I just hope she’s ready to adjust to more than just the weather.”

“You and Sutton are finally doing this thing, huh?”

“We are,” I said, glancing at him over my shoulder to see his reaction to the news. “Do you think it’ll work?”

Dad grinned at me, eyes glittering with what I hoped were happy tears as he nodded slowly. “As long as you treat her better than you did last time, I think you’ll be fine.”

“I never meant to hurt her,” I said, turning back to the docks and wondering what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t asked Hailey to prom. If I could just un-ask that one stupid question, this might’ve been my view all along. “If I could go back, I’d do things differently from the beginning. I would’ve stayed here, piloting your boats, and I would’ve married her. I just wish I could really do it, go back and fix the mistakes I’ve made.”

“If it had happened that way, you wouldn’t have Winnie,” Dad said, reminding me of what it always came back to and he was right.

Sutton’s little girl had already climbed deep into my heart. I’d always loved kids, but that one specifically had triggered my instincts to nurture and protect. I didn’t know if it was because she looked so much like her mother used to, or how it’d happened so fast, but already, I felt like she’d always been destined to be in my life. I wanted to give her the world and then some, and I was going to do it.

That didn’t completely erase my desire to redo the past, though. I would always want Winnie. I just wished it could’ve been my DNA that ran through her veins. I closed my eyes. “I know things happened for a reason, but I fucking hate that Calen is always going to have the power to hurt her. He’s always going to be connected to her in a way I could never be.”

“If you go for it with Sutton, you’ll have the power to protect her from that hurt. That’s more important,” he pointed out. “She may have his blood, but there’s a lot more to life than that.”

I sighed. “Yeah, but only to a certain extent. Biologically, she’s not mine and never will be.”

“Biology only goes so far, son. That’s what I was trying to say,” Dad said. “What matters to a child isn’t blood so much as it is that they’re there for her day in and day out. Who loves her the way she deserves to be loved and who raises her like she’s his own. If you do that, she’ll be yours in all the ways that matter.”

“Do you think Calen will ever come back here?” I asked.

Dad shrugged. “Probably not for a while. Asshole didn’t even ask us to say goodbye to Winnie for him. He just kept muttering about how much he hates America and then told us to fuck off after we dropped him at the airport.”

“He’s a charmer, alright.”

Dad chuckled, but then his features turned serious again. “Before you leave, you need to make sure that little girl knows you’ll be back, and once you’re gone, you need to keep in touch with her, Hawk. She’s been abandoned by one father. Don’t make her feel left behind by another.”

“I won’t,” I promised. “I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, so I haven’t said anything yet, but I should be home shortly before Christmas, and if everything goes well, I’ll be able to stay from then on.”

“There’s no rush,” he said, gratefully accepting the mug and wrapping his thin fingers around it. “Everyone will still be here when you’re ready to come home.”

“The problem is more that I don’t really want to leave.” I blew out a breath and tried to ignore the pulsating pain deep within my being at the thought of getting on that plane in the morning. “Hey, do you want to take the tug out for old times’ sake before I go? I know you haven’t been behind the wheel in a while, but I keep my license up. It could be nice to go for a cruise.”

Dad blinked at me and grinned. “Are you serious? Of course, I want to. Grab the thermos and let’s go.”

As I worked on transferring our coffee, he lifted a coat off the hook on the wall and slid it on. Then he handed me his spare. I put it on, gripping our thermos as we headed out onto the water. We worked together seamlessly, falling into routines we’d had for most of my life without skipping a beat.

I worked on the ropes while Dad headed to the wheelhouse, turning over the engines before he eased us away from the dock.

Once I joined him, I watched him run the gamut of emotions being back behind the wheel. From joy to despair, love of the water to loathing of the situation that had been keeping him off of it.

He’d climbed onto the boat confidently, immediately looking and acting more like the man I’d grown up with. His shoulders had squared and his features had been smooth as he went through the motions of getting us underway

Once we were gliding away from the dock, he grinned, his chest broad and puffed out until tears appeared in his eyes. Deep sorrow became etched into the lines of his face, his gaze forlorn as he looked around like he thought this might be the last time he’d get to be out here like this.

I stood silently beside him, there if he needed me but knowing that he wouldn’t want me to step in yet. Profound sadness sank into my soul at sharing this experience with him. I didn’t know how long it’d been precisely since he’d captained this old thing, but I also couldn’t promise that he would get to do it again. I simply didn’t know if his health would still be good enough by the time I got back.

We left the port in silence, with Dad expertly navigating us out and keeping a keen eye on the weather, the waves, and our surroundings. Right now, he didn’t look sick. He didn’t look weak or like a man whose health was deteriorating.

To me, he seemed to be in complete control, confident despite the nostalgia radiating from him. His nostrils flared with it, his throat working. I reached for his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze to let him know I was there.

As I did, he finally stepped aside, his voice catching as he gave me a curt nod. “It’s time for me to pass the torch to you, son. It’s about time you became captain.”

I felt my throat constrict in response but held his gaze and nodded, needing him to know that I was going to do him proud. Wordlessly extending his hand toward me, he gave mine a firm shake and then motioned toward the wheel.

“It’s all yours now, Hawk. Take good care of her for me.”

“You’re going to be right here with me, Dad,” I said. “You just won’t have the stress that comes with running a business.”

He smiled, but it was a sad, bittersweet one. Standing by my side, his gaze kept sweeping across these familiar waters and it looked like there were a million thoughts going through his mind. I didn’t ask any questions. I had no idea what he was going through and I wouldn’t disrespect him with meaningless platitudes about everything being okay.

If he wanted to talk to me, he would. For now, all I could do was focus on my promise that he would be right here with me. I didn’t care if he could be behind the wheel. Until the doctors told me in no uncertain terms it was too dangerous for him to be on the water, I would make a point of bringing him out with me occasionally.

We stayed out for about an hour before the cold really started seeping in, and then I headed back to the port, chuckling when my sister called just as we were tying off the tug.

“Do you have a sixth sense for when Dad feels any discomfort?” I joked. “He’s just a bit cold, Em. We both are, but we’re back at the office now and we’re coming home.”

“What?” I could hear the frown in her voice. “No. That wasn’t why I was calling. Why is he cold?”

“We went out on the boat for a bit,” I said. “What’s up?”

“The boat? Are you crazy? It’s freezing outside. Did he wear his coat?”

“Of course, he wore his coat. He’s fine. It needed to be done.” I paused to let the weight of those words sink in for us both.

Emery finally sighed softly. “Thank you for doing that for him.”

“It was the least I could do. Anyway, if you didn’t call because you sensed his discomfort, what’s going on?”

“Are you coming home for dinner?” she asked. “Winnie is spending the night here and we’re doing pizzas. I need to know what to get you.”

“I’m going straight to Sutton’s,” I said. “I’m leaving in the morning, so?—”

“You want to spend as much time with her as possible,” she finished for me. “I get it. Go have your emotional goodbye and we’ll see you before you head out.”

I laughed. “Thanks, Em. I love you. Have fun with the kids tonight.”

“Always,” she said. “Tell Sutton I’ll check in with her tomorrow after you leave. I’ll bring a mop for the tears.”

I groaned. “I’m definitely not telling her that. Bye, Em.”

“Bye,” she said in a sing-song voice before she hung up.

I shook my head, but it was nice to hear her getting back to herself. The last few months before I’d come home, Emery had always been stressed, rushed, and snappy, for obvious reasons, but it was still good to hear her joking and teasing again. Even better to have her doing it with me. It gave me hope that I hadn’t completely wrecked our relationship, but I knew she didn’t trust me fully yet.

Sutton wasn’t the only one who had reservations about my going back to Los Angeles. I was pretty sure Emery was worried about me falling back into my lifestyle there too.

As Dad and I finished up in the office for the day, I practically counted the minutes until we’d be done. Then I raced him home and didn’t even go inside before I headed over to Sutton’s. It seemed impossible that by tomorrow night, we’d be over three thousand miles apart again.

I hated the thought, but our separation was looming and it made me feel like I needed to spend every second savoring the time I had left with her. When I got to their house, I quickly ascended the exterior stairs to her apartment and let myself in, pausing in the doorway when I found her reading a book on her couch.

God, she’s beautiful.

Her feet were bare and that fucking toe-ring glinted in the overhead light, drawing my gaze before I slowly raked it back up to her face. I took my time drinking her in, and my heart already started to ache at how much I was going to miss her come tomorrow.

In a pair of black sweatpants with a pink T-shirt, her hair thrown up in a careless bun on top of her head, she looked like Sutton. My Sutton. The girl who had valued comfort over everything else but had always been the prettiest in the room no matter what she was wearing. My Sutton, who had grown into a woman who still had no idea how stunning she was.

She also still had no idea what she did to me. How her mere presence made me feel like I was coming home and being completed all at the same time. She didn’t know that she made my heart beat faster and my cock swell whenever I thought about her or that I couldn’t imagine spending just one week without her.

Yet I was staring down the barrel of at least three.

It started snowing while I stood in the door and I shivered, immediately stepping inside and shutting it behind me before we lost all the heat. I planned on getting her naked within the next thirty seconds and I didn’t want her turning into a popsicle when that happened.

Sutton had been so immersed in the book that she only looked up when she heard the door click shut, and she smiled when she saw me.

“Hey, you,” she said softly. “I was wondering if I was going to see you today.”

Without wasting any more time, I strode toward her, not saying a word. I crouched down in front of the couch and slid my hand around the back of her neck, bringing her mouth to mine and kissing her until I felt the distance that would soon be separating us melt away.

It didn’t matter how far apart we were. I knew we would always be connected. Our souls had been intertwined from the moment we’d met and neither time nor distance had managed to tear them apart before.

This brief separation we had coming up wouldn’t do it either. She and I had faced enough obstacles before for me to know that I would be coming home to her again, and she would still be here, just like this, waiting for me to return.

Sutton Ashbury and I belonged together. We belonged to each other. Another few weeks apart wouldn’t change that.