21. Janta

CHAPTER 21

Janta

A fter the kiss we shared, Rayna pulls back. I feel a pang of hurt as her demeanor becomes guarded and I try to rationalize her need for space. Space that is getting increasingly harder to put between us. I know she needs time to sort through her own emotions, though every part of me is screaming to wrap her in my arms and kiss away every ounce of confusion.

Tonight, I can see in her eyes that she's overwhelmed as she sits on the other end of the couch, the silence that becomes our new normal between us rings loudly.

I catch her watching me before she quickly looks away, avoiding meeting my eyes.

"Hey, it's okay. I understand," I say, though it pains me. Rayna answers with a subtle nod, her lips pursed as if she's fighting back tears.

She gets up and heads to the room, leaving me here with unresolved feelings.

Her departure stirs a feeling of frustration within me, as well as a longing. I know that we'd be good together if she could just let her guard down and let me in, even just a little bit.

Why do humans have to be so difficult?

As Rayna disappears into the room, the weight of the moment settles heavily on my shoulders. I exhale slowly, pushing down the disappointment and concern.

"Focus on Lily," I whisper to myself, a mantra to guide my unsettled heart.

I go back into Lily's room, just to see her once more before I go home and go to sleep. Her long lashes brush her chubby cheeks as she sleeps soundly. My heart flutters at the sight of her. As much as things between Rayna and I have grown confusing, Lily is the one thing that I am certain about.

The next morning, I wake up early, determined to make the day special for Lily. I prepare her pancakes shaped like little stars, topped with a generous sprinkle of powdered sugar and slices of fresh strawberries. I'm not actually sure if she can eat pancakes, but I'm determined to get this dad shit down. Rayna stays out of the way, letting me take charge of the day. I meant it when I told myself I'd honor her need for space.

Lily lets out a cry from her room, letting us know she's awake, and I head in there to get her ready for the day. Her chubby hands reach for me as she coos and gurgles, cementing the deep-rooted love that has only been growing ever since Rayna told me about her.

That day is fresh in my mind, and I take comfort in how far we've come. Rayna's distance is just another bridge we're going to have to cross together, and I'm determined to help her see that I'm invested in her just as much as I am in Lily. No matter how unconventional, we're still a family.

"Let's get daddy's girl some breakfast," I coo at Lily, unable to help the unconscious stream of baby talk that surfaces whenever I'm around her.

After making sure Lily is dressed and fed, I glance towards Rayna's room, hesitating at the doorway. The memory of our brief, recent kiss lingers vividly in my mind. Her room is quiet, and as I peek inside, I find her staring out the window, lost in thought. The air feels thick with all the things left unsaid between us.

Clearing my throat gently, I lean against the doorframe. "Hey," I start, my voice more hesitant than I intend. "I was thinking of going to the park with Lily. Do you want to come?"

I hold my breath, waiting. Despite the turmoil, the distance that has crept into our relationship, I hope she'll see this as an olive branch, a small step toward whatever might still be possible between us.

Rayna turns from the window, and for a moment, she just looks at me, her expression unreadable. Then, slowly, a small, unsure smile forms on her lips. "Yeah, that sounds nice. Let me just grab my things."

Relief washes over me. She said yes. It's a simple word, but it carries the weight of so many possibilities. As she passes by to get ready, there's a faint, familiar scent of her perfume, a reminder of closeness we once took for granted. I step back into the hallway, giving her space, while inside, my heart starts to beat with a cautious optimism.

We spend the day at the local park. I push Lily on the swings, higher and higher as she squeals with joy. Later, we sit on a blanket, and I read her favorite stories, doing all the voices that make her burst into peals of laughter. Watching her so carefree, so utterly happy, reaffirms my resolve. This is what matters. This is what I need to focus on.

I catch Rayna watching us from a distance, a soft, contemplative smile on her face. It gives me hope that she's starting to see that we can make this work—that we can be a family, not just in moments, but always.

This shift isn't just for Lily's benefit—I hope that my dedication to our daughter also subtly reassures Rayna. I want her to see that my commitment extends beyond our potential relationship; it's rooted deeply in the family we could be together. Although the romantic tension simmers quietly in the background, my primary focus remains clear: to support and nurture my relationship with Lily and maintain a stable co-parenting partnership with Rayna.

By proving my reliability and deepening my bond with Lily, I hold onto the hope that Rayna will feel more at ease with the idea of us as a family. It's a delicate balance, but one I am committed to maintaining for the sake of all three of us.

As the days pass, Rayna and I make our best efforts to co-parent effectively. It really is easy when both of us share a sole focus on Lily's well-being. Anything that exists between us is kept far away from her.

"Hey, what day is her next checkup?" I ask Rayna, needing to get the date to Penny so I can coordinate my schedule.

"Monday," she answers. The distance still exists but has taken a back seat to the more important things.

Our teamwork has been effortless despite our unresolved feelings. It's a testament to the love we both share for Lily. Despite the lingering tension between us, it's clear we both prioritize our daughter above all.

This gives me an idea—an opportunity to perhaps mend things a bit further. I decide to plan a special day out for my girls, a picnic at the beautiful park in the center of town. It feels like the perfect setting to relax and maybe bridge the gap between us.

I spend the evening before the picnic meticulously planning every detail. I want everything to be perfect. I make a list of all the things Rayna loves to eat, ensuring the picnic basket will include her favorites. sandwiches, a fresh quinoa salad, and for dessert, her favorite lemon tarts. For Lily, I prepare her favorite puffed snacks that I know will bring a smile to her face.

With the menu set, I turn my attention to activities. I pack a few of Lily's favorite toys and a couple of books to read aloud under the shade of the trees. I also include a frisbee and a small, inflatable ball, perfect for us to play with on the grass.

The morning of the picnic, I'm up early to pack everything. I carefully arrange the food in the basket, double-checking that I've included everything: napkins, utensils, and a couple of blankets—one for sitting and another in case it gets chilly.

While packing, I can't help it as my mind wanders. This picnic is more than just a meal; it's a gesture, a statement. I'm hopeful that it will show Rayna that we can come together not just as co-parents but as a family. It's a chance to prove that our moments together with Lily can be filled with ease and joy, that despite everything, the foundation we build now can support something lasting.

I take a moment to visualize the day I have planned. Tomorrow could be a turning point, I think to myself as I put the finishing touches on the picnic plans, and a surge of excitement courses through me. The picnic has to be perfect. I want everything to be just right for Rayna and Lily.

I grab my phone to let Rayna know that everything's set. I thumb the screen, typing out a message with more care than usual:

Hey Rayna, I've planned a special day out for us at the park tomorrow. Smoked turkey sandwiches, raspberry lemon tarts, and a lot more of your favorites. I hope it'll be a day full of good food, laughter, and fun for Lily. Can't wait to spend some quality time together. Let me know what you think!

I hit send before I can second guess the wording. As I set my phone down, I let out a long, hopeful breath, imagining how the day might unfold. I really hope that Rayna sees this for what it is and can gain some comfort from my efforts.

Moments later, my phone buzzes with a reply from Rayna, and my heart skips a beat as I read her message:

Sounds wonderful, Janta! It's been a while since we've all spent a day together like this . Lily will love it. See you tomorrow!

A smile spreads across my face. This is it. The opportunity I've been hoping for. The rest of the night can't pass quickly enough as I imagine all the ways tomorrow could go right. Every detail is a step towards a future I hope we can build together—a future filled with days just like this one. I'm ready to show her that our future is worth fighting for.

And I'll show her that I won't back out of this fight. I've never been a quitter before, and I'm not starting now.