20. Rayna

CHAPTER 20

Rayna

J anta and I had a wonderful day at the zoo with Lily. The day was filled with countless smiles and the best kinds of laughter. Days like today make me long for more, wanting more than simply looking like a family. I want to be one in so many more ways than we already are.

I want Janta. But my mind is conflicted with fear anytime I think about starting a romantic relationship with him. The potential for heartbreak and disaster terrifies me and the impact it could have on Lily. My mind is a jumble of what ifs and worries about the worst-case scenario of letting my guard down and letting Janta get closer to me.

As the evening winds down and Lily drifts off to sleep, the quiet of the house amplifies my racing thoughts. I sit on the couch, clutching a cup of tea to keep my hands from trembling, staring blankly at the dimly lit room. Janta joins me, his presence alone causing my heart to skip a beat. He senses my tension and sits at a respectful distance, giving me space yet staying close enough to offer comfort.

"Today was fun, wasn't it?" he starts, his voice low and soothing.

I nod, managing a small smile. "It was perfect. Lily had such a good time, and so did I."

Janta pauses, looking at me intently. "You've been quiet tonight. Is everything okay?"

His question hangs in the air, and I feel the weight of my unspoken fears pressing down on me.

"It's just..." I start, hesitating as I search for the right words. "I've been thinking about us.

Janta shifts slightly, his expression concerned yet hopeful. "I've been thinking a lot about that too."

I take a deep breath, the warmth from the teacup seeping into my palms. "I'm scared, Janta. Scared of what moving forward might mean for us, for Lily. What if it doesn't work out? What if we end up hurting each other and, worse, hurting her?"

Janta reaches out, his hand gently covering mine, his touch steady and reassuring. "Rayna, I understand your fears. They're valid. But I also believe that we have something special here, something worth exploring. And we can be careful, take things slow. We can make sure that above all, Lily is safe and happy."

"But what if 'careful' isn't enough?" I counter, the fear evident in my voice.

He squeezes my hand, and his eyes lock with mine, filled with a sincerity that melts some of my doubts. "Then we learn, we adapt. We don't have to have all the answers right now, Rayna. But I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. We can face these fears together."

I let his words wash over me, feeling relief and new-found courage. "Together," I echo, allowing myself to lean a little closer. "That does sound pretty good."

Janta smiles, his gaze softening. "I think so too. And whatever happens, we'll make sure it's the best for Lily. We're in this together, Rayna. All the way."

As we sit there, the space between us filled with unspoken promises and shared hopes, I feel a tentative peace settling over me. Maybe the path ahead isn't as fraught with peril as I fear. Maybe, just maybe, it's paved with chances worth taking.

Janta leaves, giving me a hug before he goes, and my heart flutters as the feel of his body against mine. Today with him and Lily was perfect, but I still want more, despite every one of my fears, I can't help how intense my feelings for Janta are becoming.

As I tuck Lily into bed, still buzzing from the joy of our day at the zoo, the quiet of her room feels starkly different from the laughter that filled our afternoon. Seeing Janta with Lily, so natural and caring, always stirs something deep inside me. I find myself yearning for a life where days like today are the norm, not just special occasions. I want more than the appearances of a family; I want the reality of it with Janta. But as soon as these thoughts bubble up, so do my fears.

Sitting alone in the living room, the comforting hum of the night settling around me, I try to calm the whirlwind of thoughts. Starting a romantic relationship with Janta is an idea that fills me with dread as much as it does with hope. The risk of heartbreak is daunting—not just for me, but for Lily too.

What if it doesn't work out? What if our attempt at a romantic relationship ruins the stable co-parenting relationship we've built? The fear of disaster, of potentially fracturing the family unit we've carefully maintained for Lily's sake, overshadows the warmth of today's laughter.

My mind races with terrifying possibilities. Letting Janta in, allowing myself to love and possibly lose, feels like stepping into a storm without shelter. Each "what if" is like a gust of wind, shaking the foundations of the safe life I've built for my daughter and me. The thought of what we've built unraveling because I dared to want more keeps me on edge, trapped between longing for more and fearing the cost of it.

In the dim light of the living room, I wrap a blanket tighter around my shoulders, as if it could shield me from the storm of my own emotions. The decision looms large, a threshold I'm both drawn to cross and afraid to approach. As the night deepens, so does my resolve to think this through, to not let impulse lead where reason should tread. For now, I choose to protect the peace we have, even as part of me wonders if I'm also guarding against the possibility of a happiness greater than I've allowed myself to imagine.

One quiet evening, after Lily is soundly asleep, the atmosphere in the living room feels different, charged with an unspoken tension that neither Janta nor I can ignore. We sit on the couch, each lost in our own thoughts, the space between us filled with the soft cadence of a ticking clock and our muted breaths. The day's earlier laughter echoes in my mind, a stark contrast to the heavy silence now enveloping us.

As I glance over at Janta, his profile bathed in the soft glow of the lamp, his features are relaxed yet contemplative. He seems miles away, yet so close I could reach out and touch him. And in that moment, something within me shifts—fear, longing, and a sudden, overwhelming clarity.

Summoning every ounce of courage, I decide to take a leap of faith. Turning towards him, I close the gap between us. My heart pounds as I lean in, and before I can second-guess myself, I press my lips gently against his. The kiss is tentative, a question asked in the softest whisper. I inhale sharply, as Janta responds to the kiss, bringing his hand up and wrapping one in my hair and the other around the back of my neck.

The kiss is gentle at first, tentative, as if we are both asking silent questions with our eyes closed. But then, it deepens, fueled by months of held-back feelings and unspoken desires. It's as if all the pent-up emotions are being released in this one, profound connection. Janta responds with an intensity that matches my own, his hands coming up to gently frame my face.

Just as we lose ourselves in the moment, a small cry pierces the quiet—a sharp reminder of reality. Lily, crying out from her room, snaps us back to the present. We pull apart abruptly, our breaths heavy, our hearts pounding in the sudden silence. Janta's eyes meet mine, and so much passes through our silent conversation.

Quickly, he stands and goes to Lily, his steps light and swift. I sit back, my mind racing, my lips tingling from the kiss. The rightness of the moment lingers, but so do the fears and doubts. As I hear Janta's soothing voice comforting Lily, a wave of emotions washes over me. Relief that he's so good with her, joy from the connection

What if we ruin the wonderful friendship we've built, the stable environment we've created for Lily? What if our moment of passion has inadvertently set us on a path that could lead to heartache and disruption, especially for Lily? The questions whirl through my mind, cascading like a waterfall, impossible to stop.

I hear footsteps, and then Janta is there, his presence pulling me back from the edge of my spiraling thoughts. He sits beside me on the couch, not too close, but close enough that I can feel the warmth radiating from him. He doesn't speak right away, giving me a moment to collect myself.

"Rayna," he finally says, his voice gentle, aware of the turmoil I'm feeling.

"I know this is scary. I feel it too. But I also believe in us—what we could be together. I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't think it was worth the risk."

His words hang in the air, sincere and heartfelt. I look into his eyes, searching for any sign of doubt, but find none. There's only earnest hope and a quiet strength that reassures me more than I expected.

"Janta, I'm scared," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. "Not just for us, but for Lily. She's everything to me."

"I know," he replies, reaching for my hand. "She's everything to me too. Whatever we do, we do with her best interests at heart. We tread carefully, we go slow. We will make sure this is right."

The kiss had felt so right in the moment. But now as Janta stands before me, every one of my fears comes creeping back in.