Chapter 5

Jodah

Nothing is different, and yet everything has changed. Kyler has helped me to slowly sit up and I am propped against a large stack of furs. From this position, I am able to see the four jagged wounds that mar my chest. But with them are the mating marks that are evidence I have been blessed by Deeka. I trace a finger along the mark on my side, nearest my hip, dragging the tip along the dark line that has been broken in four places.

My flesh has knit back together, but still there are four areas where the mating mark abruptly ends and then begins again. There is a shallow valley of disconnect between the lines. Is this why I do not feel as though I'm mated? Each time I have woken since yesterday, I have searched within me for my soul light. However, no matter where I have looked, it remains dark within me.

"Do you need some more burim root?" Kyler stands at the other side of the tent near where his supplies are stored.

"Not at this time. My pain is tolerable for the moment." I'm tired of tasting the bitterness of the root.

He returns his attention back to whatever has him occupied. I have not seen Sage since the evening before. She was gone each time I woke, and something had me unable to ask where she was. I am not oblivious to the hurt she felt at my reaction, but I was still processing the fact that I was—am—mated. Finally, I can no longer hold my tongue. Perhaps Kyler will know the answer as to why my soul light remains dark.

"I do not feel mated." Once the confession has passed my lips, I cannot take it back.

The healer glances over at me with a blank expression. He sets down the bag in his hands and approaches. "What do you mean?"

With a sweeping hand, I gesture to the mating marks along my body. "These decorate my skin. My soul light should have ignited, but it has not."

Kyler's eyes widen sharply. "You have no soul light?"

"I do not know if I do not have one or if it has just failed to shine. I have been searching within me since Sage told me we were mates, but there is nothing."

He remains silent for several beats. "I have never heard of any Tavikhi whose soul light has not shined brightly when a mating occurs. Although, I have come to understand that the humans do not have one, which means we must share ours with them. But if yours is not lit, I am uncertain what this means in regards to the bond. It is troubling."

This is the first I am hearing about the humans lacking a soul light. "I did not realize the humans did not have one."

Kyler nods with a faraway expression. "From what I have heard from Zander, the females must fall in love with their mate. They are not guided to it by the goddess."

"Does this mean that if I am to remain mated to Sage, we must fall in love with each other?"

Again, it appears as though I have shocked the healer. "I do not understand. If you are to remain mated? The mate bond cannot be broken. Not even by death. We do not know yet what will happen to the human females if their mate dies. Will they too join the goddess as our people do?"

We have been taught from birth that the mating bond is so strong between two Tavikhi that death itself is unable to break it. They travel together into the lands of Deeka. It has always been this way. "And yet, I do not feel the mate bond. So if I do not feel it, then it can be severed without consequence."

"Is that what you want? To sever the bond with Sage?"

Is that what I want? I do not know. I do not know her. Tavikhi's souls recognize each other which is how they know they are fated. Except mine is dark and quiet. "I am unsure."

Kyler studies my mating marks. "I am ten warm seasons older than you and have seen many more warriors blessed with their mates. It is something I have wished for since I was a kit. You have been given a gift. Just because you may not feel the bond now, does not mean you will not ever feel it. And just because your soul light may not have ignited, that does not mean you cannot grow to feel affection—love—for your mate." He lifts his gaze to me. "If I were as lucky as you, it would not matter to me what I did or did not feel in that moment. Because I trust that Deeka has a plan for me, and I will follow wherever it leads. There is nothing I would not give to be blessed with what you have. Which is a mate who refused to leave your side at the risk of her own health. Who did not sleep and barely ate for seven turns of the sun while she watched over you. No matter how much her tribe sisters tried to persuade her, she would not leave this tent. Soul light or not, you have a mate who cares for you. It is what all of us want."

Turning his back on me, Kyler returns to his supply table. Guilt fills me at his words. They were not harsh, but they were the truth that I needed to hear. Perhaps this is some sort of test. I have a sudden need to speak to Sage. I would like to get to know her. And maybe with that knowing, a light will turn on. My marks indicate she is my mate. It is only fair that I give a bond the chance to grow between us.

As though I have conjured her with my will, she steps into the healer's tent. There are still smudges beneath her eyes, but they do not appear as dark as they had the previous turn of the sun. Sage wears clean coverings, and her fire-colored hair has been tamed. She pauses at seeing me upright and there is a flash of relief across her face. Her gaze darts to Kyler who glances over at her arrival.

"Greetings, Sage. You look rested. Did you eat, yet?"

She nods. "Maeve and Zara brought me some kokkra."

"That is good." Kyler shifts his gaze to me and back to her. "I need to check on one of the elders. They have developed a cough. I will return later."

He grabs a bottle from his stock and then he is gone, leaving me with the female who is supposed to be my mate. An uncomfortable silence settles between us. I speak often with some of the elders and other mated females, but this is one of the first times I have exchanged more than a few words with one of the human females. Alone at least. What do we speak on?

"You're feeling better, I hope?" Sage is the one to break it although she does not come any closer.

"I am."

"That's good."

Another stretch of silence falls. She glances everywhere but at me. It should not be this hard between us.

"Thank you for taking care of me for such a length of time."

"You already said that, and I didn't do it for the thanks." She remains stiff.

Sage is not making this easy. "I am sorry, then."

Finally her eyes meet mine. "For what?"

"For not acting as a mate should."

Even in the low lighting the darkening color of her cheeks is noticeable. "Oh."

I am unsure how much to tell her. It is not my intention to hurt her any more than I may have already. "Would you come closer? It is difficult to have a conversation this far apart. Please."

Sage hesitates for several beats before she at last crosses the distance between us and stands near the foot of the platform. She scans my chest as a healer would.

"Are you sure you're not in any pain?" Her eyes lift to meet mine.

"I am sure." This is the longest I have sat up and I feel the fatigue creeping in, but I will force it away as long as I can. "Although I will take some water if you do not mind."

"Oh, of course." Sage quickly fills a cup from the basin on the table and brings it to me.

Our fingers touch and a sting of pain makes me jerk, and I nearly drop the vessel. She pulls her arm back and rubs a spot between her chest mounds. I take my time drinking, not only because weakness makes it difficult to maintain a hold on the cup, but I am trying to think of something to say. What do the other mated males speak about with their human mates? I carefully lower my arm to rest the vessel on my thigh.

"Perhaps we should discuss this thing between us." It may be less painful to bring everything out into the open. We can decide where to go and what to do from there.

Sage nods and wraps her arms around her waist. "Okay."

I have studied both her and the other female Zara after Benham and Maeve became mates. The way they interact with each other. I have not seen Sage with any patients other than myself, but from all I have witnessed, she is not this quiet or withdrawn. Which means it is because of me. It also means I need to make things better.

"What do you know about the mate bond?"

Sage raises a shoulder. "Only that when you and your mate touch for the first time, your mating marks appear. And if one dies, so does the other."

"Yes, but also…" I pause, unsure how to explain since it is not something I have experienced.

"But also, what?"

Nothing to do but try. "Within each Tavikhi is a soul light. It lies…dormant, I suppose, until they meet their fated mate. The warrior's mating marks appear, but according to stories told by the elders, both the male and female's soul light ignites which sears the bond in place between them. It is what connects them together emotionally. Which is why if one light is extinguished…"

"The other one extinguishes with it," Sage finishes for me quietly.

"Yes."

The two furry lines above her eyes turn downward. "I'm not sure what that has to do with…us."

"It is obvious that my mating marks appeared when we touched, but my soul light did not ignite."

"But," Sage pauses with a small shake of her head. "Humans don't have such a thing called a soul light."

"From my understanding the Tavikhi warriors—Zander, Zydon, and the others—are able to share theirs with their human mate."

I know the moment she understands—or at least guesses—what it means, because her entire body sags as though a great weight has been forced onto her shoulders. Her bright-colored eyes lose some of their brightness.

"What you're saying then, is that because this soul light thing within you didn't ignite, and I don't have one in the first place, there is no mate bond. It doesn't matter that you have mating marks. You don't feel anything toward me." Sage finishes so quietly, and her gaze has dropped away from me. "I see."

"It is not that I do not feel anything." Seeing her hurting triggers something inside me. I do not like this feeling.

"It's fine. I understand." She nods and heads for the entrance.

"Sage—"

"No, really," she cuts me off. "You don't have to try and make things up so I feel better. I'm a grown woman. It's not as though you're the first guy to not be that into me. Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore."

Before I can call her back, she is gone.