Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Poosh was lit up like a demonic icy silver Christmas tree. Her body didn’t look quite right, and her eyes were crossed. If her head started spinning, I was going to reach up Jane’s butt and grab a grenade. I wasn’t sure what I would do with a bomb, but Tracy thought Cooch might like one. Bargaining might work… or not. The situation was unsettling and felt out of control. It was a sensation I wasn’t used to and didn’t like. Augustus screamed so many times I’d had to electrocute him to get the idiot to shut up. I knew excessive magic was a no-no, but short of decapitating the dummy, he gave me no choice but to set him on fire. While none of us were comfortable with what was happening, screaming didn’t help.

“It’s fine! I’m great!” Poosh assured everyone with a mouthful of chips and a shrill giggle. “Doesn’t hurt. It tickles!”

“I know bein’ undead and drinkin’ blood is weird, but this is fuckin’ crazy cakes,” Jane commented, scratching her head.

Weird was one way to put it. Crazy cakes was another. Cooch had literally flown into Poosh—like into her body. It had happened so fast I wasn’t sure I’d seen it correctly. However, Poosh just laughed like a loon and hopped around a bit. When I looked at the Demon’s face, if I stared hard enough, I could see Poosh and Cooch.

“Kinda like watchin’ a movie with really good and f-ed up special effects,” Martha added.

“There’s a woman in my Demon,” Augustus cried out. “We must get her out!”

That was a twist I’d never heard. Usually, the Demon was in the woman, not the other way around, but an exorcism wasn’t needed. This was entirely different and completely insane.

“Almost done,” Poosh announced gleefully, spitting tiny pieces of chips as she kept us abreast of the sitch. “Cooch is so happy! She was so hungry! This is much more fun than embezzling, shoplifting or defacing property. For the first time in my life, I feel useful!”

“Well, that’s umm… good,” I said with a wince as Poosh finished off the chips, and Cooch came flying out of her body with a squeal of joy.

Poosh was knocked sideways with the force of the exit, but her screaming boyfriend caught her securely in his muscular arms and covered her face with kisses. It was sweet until both of them began removing their clothes. A second zap of magic was necessary to stop the randy Immortals from banging in a cemetery with an audience.

“I am full for the first time in a century!” Cooch sang as she flew around us and cackled. “You may ask me anything you want to know!”

Was it going to be this easy? Not that having a ghost enter Poosh was easy, but the Demon seemed none worse for the wear. She and Augustus were in a hot and heavy make-out session, but their clothes were on. I ignored it. Picking one’s battles was part of being a good leader. Plus, I had a mambo to question.

“Did any Vampyres come to you looking for a spell to create a Dhampir?” I wasn’t sure how long the ghost would be agreeable, so I got right to the point.

The smile on her face turned to a scowl of fury in an instant. “Yessssssssss,” she hissed.

Bingo. Now I just needed names and dates.

“When?”

“Two decades ago,” she shrieked.

I paused and felt defeated for a moment. Twenty years ago. Wait… twenty freaking years ago? This had been in the works for two decades. Although, it made sense. If the madness had started back then, the Dhampirs would be in their late teens. My stomach dropped to my toes. The Dhampirs were just children. Granted, they were bloodthirsty killers, but that wasn’t their fault. I went from defeated to enraged.

“Who?” I ground out. “Tell me who came to you for the spell.”

Cooch shuddered and began to fade. Crap. The wind picked back up, and the smell of rotting flesh was almost debilitating. The moon disappeared in the sky, and an ominous darkness blanketed the scene.

“No names were given,” she snarled. “They told me they would take me out of here if I taught them the spell. That was the price they agreed to pay. THEY LIED.”

Well, that was some information. There was more than one Vamp involved.

The cloud began forming around Cooch again. Our time with her was limited.

“What did they look like?” I pressed. I was well acquainted with the twenty who had been at the summit. I was betting it was some of them. If I had descriptions, I would know if we were on the right track. If I was wrong, we were back at square one.

“Ugly,” she snapped. “All liars are ugly.”

“Not helping,” I said, getting frustrated. “Men or women? How many?”

“Ugly, ugly, ugly,” she shouted. “Deceivers. Fibbers. Falsifiers. Fabricators. Spinners of yarns. LIARS!”

The urge to zap her was real. The last thing I needed was a transparent thesaurus. I wasn’t sure what would happen if I electrocuted a ghost, but I decided that I didn’t want to find out. Tracy’s warning was still at the forefront of my mind. I’d already zapped Augustus and Poosh. I didn’t need to get into bigger trouble. We had enough trouble as it was.

“Cooch,” I yelled as the cloud grew thicker and more dense. “You said you would help us if Poosh fed you. We didn’t lie to you. Don’t lie to us.”

“You already have the names,” she said as she faded away. “You’ve had them the entire time.”

“What?” I asked, ready to lose my shit. “I don’t have any names.”

“Ahhhhh, but you do,” she insisted as her voice sounded like it was coming from inside a faraway tunnel. “Think, Astrid. Think hard. Where there is smoke, there’s always fire. Don’t follow the red herring. I am the mambo. I know all. There’s no spell to reverse what has been done, but often one is destroyed by his or her heart’s desire.”

Cryptic wasn’t working for me. I didn’t have any fucking names. She was crazy. “Please, Cooch. Give me names.”

“You have them,” she reminded me. “I can only appear for a short time. If you want to chat again, come back in a week with Poosh and more chips.”

And on those words, the mambo left the room… or the cemetery, to be more precise.

“Fuck,” I muttered, pressing the bridge of my nose and willing myself not to blow up St. Louis Cemetery No. 1. My fingers were spitting flames, and my magic was so close to the surface I could taste it. I’d learned that frustration was usually calmed by some property damage, but it would be beyond awful for me to destroy the tombs.

“Punch me,” Martha yelled, getting in my face. “It’ll make you feel better. I got your back, Melons McHooters.”

“DO IT,” Jane shouted with a grunt of laughter. “Rearrange that old cow’s face. She’s got it comin’!”

The two wrinkled idiots bounced up and down in front of me like they were on pogo sticks. Martha pointed at her face, and Jane egged me on.

“No!” Augustus shouted, stepping in front of Martha and Jane. “Punch me! I am indebted to you for the correction of my vernacular and teaching me that a daily shower doesn’t make me a pussy! If it wasn’t for you, I would still have an imaginary girlfriend instead of the hot Demon who excels at latrine fornication. I would be honored for you to break my nose, jaw and eye sockets.”

“But wait,” Felix bellowed, pushing Augustus out of the way. “I shall take the punch. Without your glorious guidance, I would not have discovered the delicious scent of AXE body spray and deodorant. I am now a lady magnet due to my sexy-smelling pits and bollox. I would be humbled to have the Chosen One mangle my mug!”

“Hold on,” Poosh squeaked so high we all winced. “I want the punch. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have friends. I have no desire to steal from any of you and that’s entirely new for me. Astrid is my hero! Break my face!”

It was too much. It was stupid but also kind. It was strange and the absurdity of it calmed me down. I didn’t need to punch or destroy anything. However, I did need to figure out the names. If Cooch hadn’t lied, and I didn’t think she had, we already had the names. The question was, where? Where in the Hell were the names?

“I’m good,” I told my nutty crew. “The fact that you all offered up your faces to be rearranged was sweet in a really violent way. It’s much appreciated. I’m going to ask a question, and I want everyone to think about it before you answer.”

Martha, Jane, Poosh, Augustus, and Felix all nodded.

“Cooch said we already have the names of the Vamps who came for the spell to create the Dhampirs. Do any of you have a clue as to what she meant?”

No one said a word. The sound of silence wasn’t what I was looking for. But… there was one more person who might be able to help. Tracy had already been a godsend. Hopefully, she had a little more to give.

Sadly, Tracy hadn’t had a clue either.

We’d gathered back in her home to discuss the matter. My mind raced. What had I missed? I’d texted Ethan to get him up to speed. He and Lizard had not had any luck yet but were still systematically going to each and every Vamp who’d been at the summit. They were now on their way to Nevada, where a crew of the icky Vamps were at a meditation retreat. The love of my undead life likened the next meeting to killing a bunch of birds with one stone. Although, I was beginning to wonder if we were even after the right birds. Ethan didn’t think any one of them would create a Dhampir. If we were on a cold trail, we might be screwed. Apparently, I had the names. I just couldn’t find them.

“When you get stuck going forward, I always find it helpful to go back,” Tracy advised.

Tracy was old. She was kind and had single-handedly turned Trolls nice. I wouldn’t discount anything the woman said. “How far?” I asked.

“Let’s take it one day at a time, sweetie pie,” she suggested.

She was right. Aloud, I went back through the entire day with the help of my posse. The note. The dismemberment of Augustus and Felix in the training center. The talk with the boys about Lynda and their jobs. The meeting with Satan about the Vamp hunters and the discovery that there was a Dhampir in the North American Dominion. The introduction of Poosh. The smackdown with Poosh. The chat after and learning the history of Dhampirs. Ethan taking Lizard to canvas the uppity Vamps and the decision for the rest of us to come to New Orleans and stay with Tracy while sussing out intel about voodoo.

It was all out on the table, but we were no closer to solving the puzzle.

“Why do you and Cooch hate each other?” I asked Tracy, thinking if I let my mind wander to unrelated subjects, I might have some sort of epiphany. One could always hope…

Tracy chuckled. “Let’s get it straight. She hates me. I harbor no ill will to her. Cooch was a human voodoo priestess who knew about the Immortal world that existed right under the noses of the human population. Died about a hundred years ago after she cast one too many curses. But as to why she and I don’t gel, she got all butthurt because the local paper did a story on my home and not hers.”

“Wait. That’s it?” I asked. It seemed such a small reason to hate someone.

“Yeppers,” Tracy confirmed.

“Really? A newspaper article?” I was surprised.

“Oh yes, words have power and meaning when they’re written down in black and white. Back in the day, being in the paper was a big deal. If your home got featured, you were the shit! There was only one paper in town, and everybody read it. Not like today with all those crappy rag mags.”

“Speakin’ of,” Martha said, pulling the pile of crumpled newspapers out of her underpants. “I never did finish perusing the bullshit.”

“You bought those?” Tracy asked, surprised.

“She didn’t,” I told her. “Satan brought them from Hell to prove that something hinky was going on. He’d heard word about Vampyre hunters.”

“He didn’t know about the Damphirs?” Tracy questioned with her brow wrinkled in thought.

I shook my head. “Not initially. He came with the papers. The Dhampir discovery came later in our meeting from the note that was left for me.”

“Timing is key,” Poosh pointed out as she braided Augustus’ hair… badly. “In Hell, timing is everything—the difference between having a head and keeping your head.”

She had a point, but I was still lost.

“This one just fuckin’ kills me,” Martha said, reading from the trash magazine. “ Aliens Draw Penises Around Potholes So City Will Fix. Pretty dang brilliant if it’s true.”

“Heck,” Tracy said with a guffaw. “I might just try that around here. We have potholes you could lose your car in. Read some more, Martha.”

“ Ohio Couple Arrested For Selling Tickets to Hell ,” she shared.

We didn’t have time for this, but concentrating on the problem was getting me nowhere fast. So instead of freaking out, I joined the conversation. “Satan said that one was true. It was some of his Demons.”

“Ted and Sally,” Poosh confirmed. “Incredibly inept criminals. If I was selling tickets to Hell, I would not get caught.” Her face turned pink, and she giggled uncomfortably.

“Have you?” I asked.

“Have I what?” she asked innocently.

“Sold tickets to Hell.”

“I’ll never tell,” she said then made herself a liar immediately. “Twice. BUT, no one ever found out it was me. Satan is still trying to figure out who did it. That’s the difference between a dedicated delinquent and a box of rocks.”

“I find that arousing,” Augustus volunteered.

The horny idiot was ignored. “Read some more,” I insisted. Anything to take my mind off the fact I was failing miserably at a mission that could destroy all of us.

“That one’s a hoot,” Jane said, looking over Martha’s shoulder. “ Carl Demands Refund On Death Tax After Resurrection! And I get a real kick out of Peter the Basement Sex Dwarf Eaten by Honey Badger and LIVED.”

Tracy wasn’t laughing anymore. “Read all the headlines,” she instructed in a tone that sent a tingle through me.

“Roger that,” Martha said. “Farmer Joe Kills 200 Pound Cockroach With Squirt Gun.”

“Must have been a very powerful squirt gun,” Felix commented.

I watched Tracy as her mind worked hard. She had a gut feeling, and I was ready to follow her gut to Hell and back if it would help.

“More,” she said.

Martha obliged. “ Vampyres Are Among Us, Steve’s Undead Fangs Found In Camping Ground Outhouse In Reno.”

“More,” Tracy said, getting excited.

“Area 51—Not Just For Aliens. Vampyre Remains Found,” Martha read.

Tracy grinned and clapped her hands. If I had breath to hold, I would have held it until I turned blue.

“You say Satan brought you those papers?” she asked with a raised tattooed brow.

“He did,” I replied.

She shook her head and grinned even wider. “You know, I never was one for all the cryptic ways of the Immortals, but Lucifer takes the cake. That boy likes to pretend he’s a baddie, but he’s good through and through.”

“Umm… you’re kind of being cryptic now,” I pointed out.

She threw her head back and laughed. It took her a minute to compose herself, and then she spoke. “Carl. Peter. Joe. Steve. Cooch said you had the names all along. Satan gave them to you without giving them to you.”

“Oh my God!” I shouted. “You are a damned genius.”

“Damned? Yes. Genius? That’s a stretch,” she said.

“Hang on a fuckin’ sec,” Jane said, removing the black Prada Jacket she’d been wearing in favor of her boob tube. You know a Carl, Peter, Joe, and Steve?”

I shook my head. “No, but I know Charlton, Petro, Josephine, and Stephano.”

“Hot damn!” Augustus yelled, making sure his weapons were secured. “We must find those bastards and take them home!”

“Down,” I said. “Not home. We want to take them down. We are never going to take them home.”

“Whoops,” he said with a grin. “Down it is!”

“I have to let Ethan know what we discovered.” Quickly, I dialed his number. It went straight to voice mail. I tried again. And again. Voice mail every time. My stomach and my fangs dropped.

“Lizard,” I said frantically. “Get Lizard on the phone. Now.”

Martha dialed so fast I didn’t see her fingers move. She was confused at the response. “Says the number’s no longer in service. Jane,” she yelled. “Did you forget to pay the dang bill?”

Jane walloped Martha in the head. “It’s on autopay, you fucker. Lizard took us off bill payin’ after we forgot for a few months, and everything got turned off. He wasn’t even mad.” She preened as she lifted up a tit that was falling out the bottom of her tube top and nonchalantly tucked it back in. “Said we were too pretty to be payin’ bills.”

“Something is wrong,” I said, not talking about her boobs. “Ethan wouldn’t turn his phone off. Not while he’s waiting to hear from me. Our mission is too important.” I stood up and extended my hands to the group. “We’re leaving. Now.”

“Do we know where we’re going?” Poosh asked. She’d moved on to braiding Felix’s hair. Both of the men looked comical.

Grabbing the papers, I scanned the headlines. “I believe we do.”

“Where are we going, Hooters DeCupcakes?” Jane asked.

“Area 51. Nevada,” I replied as a zing of fear ripped through me. “Ethan had been headed to Nevada, and the mentioning of Area 51 in the rag mag can’t be a coincidence. We have to find him and Lizard. I think they’re in trouble.”

If anything happened to Ethan, I would burn the world down. I gestured to the tiny Vamp. “Tracy, you coming?”

She hopped to her feet and joined the circle. “Wouldn’t miss this shit for the world. Let’s go kick some ass and save the day!”

It was an outstanding plan, and I would see it through.