Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The sidewalk was uneven and pitted. The city seemed to be deserted. Tracy pulled a wagon loaded down with the gifts for Cooch. After a quick chat with the boys about the couch being a deterrent if we had to defend ourselves, it was left behind. However, Tracy promised the guys they could take it home with them. I wasn’t sure why they wanted a purple and green plastic-covered couch, but Tracy’s gesture was kind… just like her.

Being a Vamp, I had excellent night vision, but I was glad I was in tennis shoes. Heels would have sucked. The moon hung low in the sky, making the French Quarter glow eerily. All of my senses were on high alert. Augustus and Felix moved stealthily like warriors. Poosh seemed to fade in and out of the darkness. Martha and Jane had their fangs out, along with grenades in each hand, which meant they weren’t in their butts. I was calling it a win. Tracy, unlike my warriors, happily moseyed along, pulling her squeaky-wheeled wagon.

“Hold up,” I said to my rag-tag crew. I eyed my people. Martha and Jane looked like they were dressed for a strip club. Augustus and Felix looked presentable but not badass. Poosh was dressed like a biker babe, and Tracy looked ready for a hoedown. Me? I looked like I was on my way to the gym.

None of it seemed appropriate attire for meeting a powerful voodoo priestess. “Is everyone cool with me changing our look?”

“Can you make mine and Martha’s crotchless, Tits McGhee?” Jane inquired.

“No, I cannot.” My eye roll was a biggie. I was sure I heard Tracy giggle. “I think we should be a little more formal.”

“I quite agree,” Augustus said. “We must look the part of powerful Immortals!”

“Absolutely,” Felix agreed. “It’s a no-brainer—very low-hanging toot!”

“Fruit,” I corrected him.

“I can’t eat food,” he reminded me.

“Right,” I said, deciding not to explain further. That could take a long time. “Huddle together.”

Looking up and down the street to make sure no one was around, I lifted my arms high and wiggled my fingers. Gone were the boob tubes and booty shorts. Gone was the black leather. Gone were the overalls and cowboy boots. Gone were the jeans and t-shirts and gone was my sweat suit. We were now all wearing black Prada suits. I’d kept the heels low on the gals because of the terrain. However, we looked like a million bucks.

“I’m hot,” Poosh announced, glancing down at her duds with glee.

“Does there happen to be a latrine nearby?” Augustus asked, admiring his new and not imaginary girlfriend.

“No,” I said sternly. “This is not nookie time. Am I clear?”

“My rod is very sad, but I understand,” he told me.

“I’d suggest a little swaffelen, my man,” Felix told his cohort.

Before I could stop myself, the words had already left my lips. “What’s swaffelen?”

Felix was ready. “It’s the Dutch word for hitting one’s rod multiple times on objects on purpose. It would be an outstanding way to deflate a boner.”

When in the ever-loving Hell was I going to learn to keep my mouth shut?

“Like a literal dick fuckin’ slap?” Jane asked with a laugh.

“Oh yes!” Felix assured her. “A literal dick slap!”

“This is going to be a tire fire,” I muttered as I started walking toward St. Louis Cemetery No. 1. Unfortunately, Augustus took his buddy up on the swaffelen advice and slapped his dick on a street sign, a mailbox, a tree and a car parked on the side of the road. I completely ignored it. If he wanted to rack himself all the way to the cemetery, it was not my problem.

“Here,” Tracy said as we approached the locked gate at the entrance. “Take this. Cooch might be hungry.”

She handed me a bag of chips. It was a dead giveaway that the mambo wasn’t a Vamp. Vamps couldn’t eat chips. That most likely meant that Cooch was a Demon… or worse. Crap.

I took the bag of chips and put them in the wagon. “Are you coming in with us?”

Tracy shook her head. “I’m gonna stay out here and make sure no one wanders in. Plus, Cooch hates my guts. If I go in, I’m not sure she’ll show herself.”

“Why does she hate you?” I asked.

“Story for another time, pookiepants,” she said with a smile. “Get on in there. Night’s wasting.”

“Will you be safe?” I asked, not feeling right leaving her behind. “I can have Augustus and Felix stay with you.”

“It would be my honor to protect you, Tracy,” Augustus said as Felix nodded in agreement. “You saved both me and my comrade from being seen as six-foot schlongs skipping down the street with pubic hair mustaches and tiny arms and legs!”

“For that, we owe you our lives,” Felix added sincerely.

Tracy chuckled and squeezed their cheeks. “That’s real nice of you boys, but I’ll be just fine.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. The Vamp was tiny.

Tracy squinted at me for a hot sec. “Did Ethan tell you how we met?”

“He didn’t,” I admitted.

“It’s not a pretty story,” she began. “That sweet boy got himself into some trouble with some Trolls about three hundred years back. I happened upon that mess and didn’t like what I saw. So… I ended it.”

I was stunned. I’d fought Trolls. They were enormous and some of the most violent and horrendous beings alive. “You wanna be more specific?” I asked.

The little Vamp grinned. “Sure. I have big fangs.”

“How big?”

“As big as my body, sharper than any knife ever made, full of venom, and I know how to use ‘em, honey bunch,” she explained in a very matter-of-fact tone.

I tried to picture it. I couldn’t. “Are you shitting me?”

“I shit you not,” she said with pride. “Those stinky Trolls didn’t stand a chance. I sunk my incisors into those sons of bitches and killed off their bad sides in two minutes flat. There were ten of those odiferous monsters! They ran off crying like little girls never to fight or terrorize again. I’m actually friends with three of them—Duke, Dirt and Dump. A little smelly, but real nice fellas. Ethan wanted me to join the Elite Guards, but I passed. Takes too much out of me to extend my chompers on the regular. I’m an old gal.”

The entire group stared at Tracy in awe. The words compassionate and badass didn’t even begin to describe her. I had never in my life heard of turning a Troll into a wimp with a venomous bite. Augustus and Felix dropped to their knees. Martha and Jane slid into the splits. Poosh kissed Tracy’s feet. I just smiled in gratitude at the Vampyre. I might have never met the love of my life if it hadn’t been for Tracy and her fabulous giant fangs.

“How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking,” I inquired.

Tracy giggled. “A lady never tells, but you can ask your uncle about me sometime.”

“Satan or God?” I questioned.

“Both,” she replied nonchalantly. “I go way back with that Demon and Angel. I could tell you stories that would make your toes curl.” She slapped her little thighs and cackled.

Right then, I knew Tracy was extremely ancient and seriously powerful.

Gathering herself, Tracy gave each of us a hug. She even yanked Martha and Jane back to their feet. “Make sure to keep an open mind in there,” she told us. “Just because something is hard to believe doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

That was a large statement considering we were a group comprised of Vampyres and a Demon. None of us were supposed to exist.

“How dangerous is this going to be?” I asked her.

“That’s up to you, darlin’,” she said. “Know what you want to ask. Offer up the gifts and then don’t let Cooch get off the subject. Dealing with a voodoo priestess can be tricky. Keep your magic to a minimum or it can come back on you.”

More ominous and truer words had never been said.

“It’s a city of the dead,” Martha whispered as we walked into the cemetery.

She was correct. Rows upon rows of impressively ornate crypts lined the entire area. Jane stood next to us with the wagon and eyed the cemetery cautiously. Augustus, Felix and Poosh brought up the rear.

Poosh had made quick work of the lock. Her criminal skills were coming in handy. Augustus silently congratulated her by pointing to his boner. She giggled. I was surprised it still worked after all the swaffelen he’d done.

“An above ground necropolis,” Felix commented.

“We’re at sea level,” I told him. “That’s why the tombs are above ground.”

I looked around and took it in. The crumbling stone, granite and marble tombs held many stories and secrets. There was a peaceful calm in the air mixed with something dark.

“How do we find the vagina?” Jane asked with a naughty twinkle in her eyes.

I punched her in the head while trying not to laugh. I would have zapped her, but Tracy said to go easy on the magic. I succeeded with the punch. Failed with the laugh. “Do not do that,” I hissed quietly. “If you keep that crap up, I might screw up and call her something awful. We’re here for info, not to piss off a mambo.”

“My bad, Hooters McNubbins,” Jane said, grinning from ear to ear. “I just thought I’d lighten up the fuckin’ atmosphere. It’s creepy AF in here.”

I didn’t disagree. I hoped this mission would be short, sweet, productive and lacking in bodily harm.

Slowly we circled the perimeter. I had no clue where to look for Cooch.

“Should we lay the gifts out?” Felix inquired.

“Not sure,” I answered.

“How about we just call for her,” Poosh suggested, glancing around warily.

All of us were on edge. Having no clue what to expect didn’t help. I was the leader here. It was time to lead.

“Flank me and be ready to draw your weapons,” I instructed. “Do not attack unless I give the go.”

“Roger that, Boobs McBoober,” Martha said. “All you fuckers put on your fightin’ faces.”

They did. The Vamps dropped their fangs and the Demon’s eyes turned bright red. I smiled. They were idiots, but they were my idiots and they were deadly.

“Cooch,” I called out. “I’ve come bearing gifts.”

Nothing.

If at first you don’t succeed…

“We come in peace, Cooch. We would be honored if you would show yourself,” I tried again.

Nothing.

“Maybe she’s not here,” Augustus said.

“Well, that would fuckin’ suck,” Martha grumbled.

“Understatement,” I muttered. Maybe the magic word would help. I was southern. Politeness was in my DNA. “Cooch, could you please come out?”

Nothing.

“Motherhumper,” Jane spat. “That meatflap of a hooker is playin’ with us. I can feel it in my bones.”

“Agreed,” Augustus growled. “I can feel it in my boner as well.”

“Bones, not boner,” I corrected the dummy.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Forget it,” I replied as an eerie and cold wind blew through the tombs.

The screaming wail pierced the night and made the hair on my neck stand up. It was the kind of sound that bypassed my ears and went straight to my gut. The air suddenly smelled like death—old, rotten and musty. All weapons were immediately pulled. Black glitter covered my arms and my hair began to blow around my head. I held up my hand to hold their fire. There was nothing to fire at… yet.

“What in the actual fuck was that?” Jane asked.

“I’m gonna hazard a guess that it was Cooch,” I said, motioning for everyone to put their backs against the wall so nothing could sneak up on us from behind.

“Show yourself,” I demanded into the darkness. “Quit playing around or we’ll leave with your gifts.”

“You tell that va-jay-jay,” Jane ground out.

I didn’t have time to punch her. Something had arrived. What it was was anyone’s guess.

An icy cloud floated toward us. Tracy’s words echoed in my brain—'Just because something is hard to believe doesn’t mean it’s not true.’ The cloud spit silver sparks and hovered about ten feet from where we stood. There was no face. No body. It undulated and slithered over the tombs. I’d seen a lot, but I’d never seen this.

“Not sure how to fight that,” Augustus whispered. “Since I’ve become in touch with my unmanly inner feelings, I’m going to point out that I feel a bit of dread.”

“We’re Vampyres, you dumbass,” Martha snapped. “We don’t do dread. We brace for impact then we kill shit.”

“Right,” Augustus said. “My bad.”

“No worries,” Martha told him. “I think you might have damaged more than your pecker when you did all that dick slappin’, though.”

“May have more to do with a boner makin’ the blood leave the brain and go down to the salami,” Jane pointed out.

The conversation going on while we were basically having a standoff with a magic cloud was absurd. Blocking out my dick obsessed army, I kept my eyes on the prize.

“Are you Cooch?” I asked.

“Depends on what you brought,” the cloud said. The voice was as icy as the sparkling mist shrouding it.

“I’ve got this,” Jane announced, dumping the wagon's contents onto the ground. “Have at it, Cooter.”

“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?” the cloud snarled.

I almost swallowed my tongue. Jane was an idiot. “What are you doing?” I whisper-hissed.

“Stay with me, Nipples LaJugs,” she whispered back. “The more that blob talks, the more the cloud around it disappears.”

I squinted at her. “It does?”

“It fuckin’ does,” she promised. “Watch a va-jay-jay master at work.”

This method wasn’t in any playbook ever written. However, talking clouds weren’t either. I took a step back and let Jane do her thing. Crossing my fingers, I hoped we weren’t all about to die.

“I called you Cooter, you old blurry clownhole,” she yelled.

“Unacceptable,” it hissed.

Jane was right, the cloud was breaking up. And then Martha stepped into the fray. Having two geriatric imbeciles lead the way was terrifying, but the choices were few.

“Hey Bearded Clam,” Martha shouted. “What do clouds wear under their clothes?”

“I don’t know,” it answered.

“Thunderpants!” she bellowed.

The cloud began to tremble and spark dangerously. I wasn’t sure if it was about to blow up or if it was laughing.

“Another,” the cloud demanded.

Martha grinned and gave the strange entity a thumbs up. “Why was the cloud dark and stormy?”

“Tell me!” it demanded.

“It was miss-thunder-stood!” Martha announced.

The cloud laughed. The shrill sound made my ears pop. As it laughed, the mist floated away and revealed what looked like a freaking ghost—bony, sunken, transparent, toothless and kind of terrifying. I was wildly unsure what a specter could do to us. We exchanged concerned glances. Was this what we were supposed to keep open minds about?

“Ghosts are real?” Felix asked under his breath.

I shrugged. I’d seen Wraiths, which were kind of ghosts, but this was very different. “Why not? We’re freaking undead, and Poosh is a Demon.”

“Interesting point,” he replied.

“Are you Cooch?” I asked, stepping forward.

“Who is asking?” she shot back.

“I’m Astrid. We’ve come to talk to you.”

“Did you say your name is Asshole?” she purred with a wide, macabre and toothless grin. “Or is it just Ass?”

My brows shot up. I immediately went tit for tat. It might not have been the best plan, but there was very little time to think it through. “I said my name is Astrid, Cootie.”

“Nice one,” Jane said.

“I thought so,” I told her.

Cooch wasn’t as impressed. “I shall call you Ass,” she snarled.

I shrugged. “That’s fine. I’ll call you Crotch.”

The ghost threw a shitfit. The wind was wild and three tombs bit the dust. Tit for tat wasn’t the way to go.

Augustus leaned in. “Not sure you’re going to win with insulting the bag of see-through bones.”

The warrior was correct. I’d clearly been hanging out with Martha and Jane too much. “My deepest apologies,” I told the ghost. “I shall call you by your name…” The grin on my face was uncontrollable. Her name was ridiculous. “Umm… Cooch.”

“Much better, Assssssssss,” she said with a laugh that made all of us slap our hands over our ears. She might be a ghost, but her voice was a weapon. I was pretty sure I’d lost most of the hearing in my left ear. “What have you brought me?”

Martha, Jane and Poosh arranged the booty for the mambo to see. She floated over the offering ohhing and ahhing.

“I think she likes it,” Felix whispered.

“Looking that way,” I said, taking a risk and stepping in front of the gifts. “However, if you want it, you’ll need to answer some questions first.”

Cooch flew in tight and frenzied circles creating a wind that almost blew us off of our feet.

“Me, me, me, me, ME,” she screamed. “I am in charge. Not you. I WANT THE CHANEL BAGS! All of you plebians are below me. I am the MAMBO! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”

Considering my options, I stared at the voodoo priestess. She was dead—not undead. I had no clue if she could still cast spells or do anything that could physically harm us. On the one hand, she appeared fairly harmless other than what her voice was doing to our hearing. On the other hand, I was very aware that assuming could make an ass out of me, but as Tracy had said, the night was wasting.

“I have no time for games,” I said flatly. “We need your help. If you want to help us, awesome. If not, we can take our offering and find a nicer and more powerful mambo. I’m on a schedule, and you’re throwing me off.”

Cooch tilted her head and gaped in shock. “But I’m the most important mambo,” she whined. “Me, me, me, me, me! There is no one more powerful than ME! You losers would be lucky to have my aid. I am the GREATEST!”

“And the rudest,” I pointed out.

“You’d be rude if your dead ass was stuck in a cemetery,” she shouted. “I can’t go to the bars or shop on Black Friday. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“Umm…” I had no clue how to answer that one. This was unchartered territory.

“I have no friends,” Cooch lamented. “No gentlemen callers. Nothing. No one comes to visit me. I’m just stuck here waiting for someone to get me out. The last ones promised to take me with them,” she growled as she did so many spastic flips in the air it made me dizzy. “They lied. All of you Immortals LIE! I’m sick of it. Cooch is so alooooone. Soooo lonely. All Cooch wants is to be loved.”

Damn. Her desperation made me sad.

“I am so fuckin’ confused,” Jane mumbled.

“Word,” I replied, unsure how to navigate the situation.

“I understand,” Poosh said, gently patting the ghost. Her hand went right through the specter, but it was the thought that counted. “I don’t have friends either. My squeaky voice, my penchant for felonious activities, and my stalking proclivities don’t make me real popular. I try to connect with others, but no one seems to want to love me.”

Hell, Poosh’s confession made me sad for her. Was she abrasive and had a voice that could melt paint off a car? Yes. Did she deserve to be loved? Absolutely, yes. It was something everyone deserved.

“Tell me about it,” Cooch whined to the Demon. “A few curses here and there made me a pariah in the French Quarter. The last one landed me here about a hundred years ago. I have been alone ever since, except for the ones who tricked me.”

“No one should be alone for a whole century,” Poosh said sympathetically.

“I was alone for a thousand years,” Augustus blurted.

Felix nodded his head in agreement. “As was I.”

“You were in a coma,” I told them. “Not exactly the same thing.”

They both looked a little crushed at my dismissal. What did I know? Maybe they’d been more aware of time while frozen in it. It was something to address at a later time, though. We had more pressing business. Damphirs first, I reminded myself. Therapy later.

I waved a hand to silence them. “While this is all very sad, it isn’t the reason we’d tracked down Cooch.” I nodded to the mambo spirit. “You can still cast spells even though you’re dead, right?”

Cooch shook her head sadly. “No. But if I could, I’d cast some doozies.”

We were getting somewhere… kind of. She’d said something that piqued my curiosity. “What did you mean about the last ones who left you here?”

I certainly didn’t want to take her with me, but I knew down deep what she’d said pertained to us.

“Undead bastards promised me the world for a favor. I gave them what they wanted, and they left without me,” she spat in a fury while greedily eyeing the bag of chips. “I’m hungry.”

How she was going to eat was beyond me. She was as dead as a doornail. “You can have the chips,” I told her. “We brought them for you.”

“Eat them,” she begged. “You have to eat them for me to taste them.”

That was a big fat no. None of us could eat them without paying a huge price that would take us out of the game for days. “I can’t. I’m a Vampyre.”

“I can,” Poosh announced. “If you’re hungry, I’ll help you. But if I help you, you will help us.”

Poosh was turning out to be a team player. She was wrong about having no friends. The way she was headed, she was going to have a few very good friends.

“Fine,” Cooch said. “Feed me, and I will talk.”

I didn’t know the logistics of what was about to happen, but they couldn’t be good.