Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

We poofed to a thick tree line about a football field away from a compound of highly secure buildings that comprised Area 51. Luckily, we were concealed from sight. The buildings were surrounded by tall chain-link fences topped with barbed wire. The little I knew about the secret facility was that it was a test site for top-secret military aircraft, and then, of course, the unsubstantiated rumors about aliens being held and experimented on. The thought of us being captured and experimented on by the government made my skin crawl. I couldn’t even begin to imagine why Charlton, Petro, Josephine and Stephano had chosen this place to hatch their fucked-up plan. If it backfired on them, they were screwed, along with the rest of the Immortal world. Were they that stupid?

There was only one way to find out, and we were about to embark on that journey.

The seven of us stood on hard ground covered in fragrant pine needles. The layout of what was inside the compound was a mystery to the world. Well, most of the world and definitely us.

Tracy squinted her eyes at the guard towers. “I believe that those are Immortals up in those towers.”

I looked in the direction she was referring to. “How can you tell?”

“They don’t have any weapons on them,” she replied. “No human would stand guard without a gun at the very least.”

That didn’t bode well. However, it most likely meant we were on the right track. I knew Ethan was nearby. We had the ability to feel each other’s presence. We could also communicate telepathically. However, I’d already tried that and it hadn’t worked. Something was way the hell off.

“Lemme pinch my nipples,” Jane said, putting down her grenades and yanking up her tube top. Her saggy boobs flapped in the wind for all to witness.

I blinked, wishing I was blind.

“Good thinkin’,” Martha said, yanking down her tube top and joining her dumbass buddy.

“Umm… now isn’t really the time for that,” I pointed out. There was no way I was going to zap them. It could give our location away. If Tracy was correct—and she probably was—about the guards being Immortal, we didn’t need another problem on top of all the others we had right now.

“Totally time for it, Tit LaFlapbags,” Jane insisted. “Our fun buttons are the way we can find our man.”

I so didn’t want to continue this conversation, but there was no choice. “Mmkay, and how exactly does that work?”

“Welp,” Martha said, twisting her nipples. “They kinda buzz when Lizard is nearby. Actually, more like they play a song. Most of the time it’s Happy Birthday. Sometimes it’s Lord Help Me Jesus by Kris Kristofferson.”

“Mine talk,” Jane added, twisting so hard I had a visceral reaction. “Usually, it’s the weather report. Comes in real handy if it’s gonna fuckin’ rain.”

“I’m sorry. What?” I asked, swallowing a laugh. I’d accepted so much unbelievable in the last decade, but this was a little too much.

Everyone’s mouth was open in disbelief. Either Jane and Martha had lost their minds or we’d just learned something that we never wanted to know—something that would induce nightmares for centuries to come.

“Shhhh,” Jane said. “Listen.”

Against my better judgement, I leaned into her saggy boob. And sure enough…

An overly happy female voice that I’d never heard in my life, let it rip. “After a rainy start to the evening, it’s clearing up and making way for the stars and the moon! But, grab that umbrella from the basement just in case!”

“What the actual fuck?” I choked out. “And the voice lets you know when you are getting closer to Lizard’s location?”

Martha nodded. “Exactly right.”

“Shhh.” Jane grinned as she twisted her ta-ta buttons. “Lizard’s nearby.”

Martha addressed her insane cohort. “Was it the top of the nip talkin’ or the bottom?”

“Bottom,” Jane confirmed. “That either means he’s underground or on a lower level in one of them buildings.”

For the love of all things unholy, it turned out that our best shot at finding my man was the most demented game of “hot and cold” I’d ever played. Shocked didn’t come close to describing my reaction to the revelation.

I scratched my brow. “So… umm… when we get into the compound can you use your… umm…”

“Nips?” Jane said, helping me out. “Or N.P.S, as Lizard calls it.”

Jane cackled. “It’s our Nipple Positioning System.”

“Yes,” I replied, trying to keep a straight face even though what I was saying was ludicrous. “Yes, can you use your nips to find the exact location of Lizard?”

“Sure can,” Martha announced, whipping off her boob tube.

Jane did the same thing. I did my best not to gag.

“Works better if the girls are blowin’ in the wind,” Martha shared in a logical tone as if anything that was going on made a modicum of sense.

“Of course, it does,” I muttered.

“What’s the plan?” Augustus asked.

It was an excellent question and one that I didn’t have an answer for. “As of right now, we’re winging it. If Lizard’s in the building, my hope is that Ethan’s with him. The fact that we can’t contact either of them isn’t promising.”

“You think those people who got the Dhampir spell from Cooch are in there?” Tracy asked.

I nodded. Everything led to this place. If life went according to the usual Immortal way, this was where the action would happen. “We’re going on that assumption until we have to change lanes.”

“Crossing the field on foot will leave us open,” Poosh stated, casing the area.

“My girlfriend is brilliant,” Augustus announced with pride. “Lynda never would have noticed that!”

I rolled my eyes. Lynda was imaginary, and it was fairly obvious that we would be sitting ducks if we crossed an open field. What would be helpful is if we knew which building to search first, but that was a fool’s dream.

Poosh, delighted with her boyfriend’s praise, decided to flirt. “Did that hurt?” she cooed to Augustus as she giggled.

The Vamp was as confused as the rest of us.

“Did what hurt?”

“When you fell from heaven?” she replied with another shrill giggle that made me grind my fangs.

“Holy shite, woman!” Augustus cried out. “Did you just call me Satan?”

His horror was real and so was my laugh. Their relationship was going to be interesting.

“Someone rang?” a familiar voice inquired as the Devil himself appeared in a blast of glittering black magic.

The shock of the Devil showing up out of nowhere almost made me scream. I didn’t. Unfortunately, Augustus did. He was promptly tackled by the topless Martha and Jane, who stuffed a boob tube into his mouth. He gave them a double thumbs up of thanks. Again, the gals’ methods were whack, but if they worked, who was I to complain? I quickly looked to the guard towers to see if we’d been noticed. We hadn’t.

“Oh my God,” I hissed as I punched my uncle’s arm. “Don’t do that.”

“Let’s leave my brother out of this.” His brow was raised and his expression was stern until his gaze landed on Tracy.

The Devil’s face registered what I could only describe as warmth and delight. Tracy grinned right back at the Devil and flipped him the bird. Satan threw his head back and laughed.

“It’s been too long, friend,” he said to the tiny Vamp. “Elle’s been asking after you.”

Satan’s better half was as jealous as they came. If she loved Tracy, that meant the little Vamp was like a sister to the Devil.

“Love that gal,” she told Uncle Fucker. “You definitely married up, boy. You don’t deserve a woman like her!”

“Too true,” Satan agreed, then glanced around with displeasure. “How in the Hell are you wrapped up in this mess?”

Tracy grinned. “Don’t rightly know, but happy to be here.”

I was shocked at how nice Uncle Fucker was being. He almost seemed normal. However, we had a looming issue and didn’t have time to listen to them reminisce. Plus, Uncle Fucker never showed up without a reason. Ever.

“Why have you come?” I asked, not wasting any time.

“Rude,” he commented.

“Learned it from you,” I reminded him. “Talk. Now.”

Satan raised a brow. I wasn’t sure if I was about to get electrocuted or congratulated. Didn’t matter. I was after info. I didn’t care what it took to get it. The man I loved more than my own life was inside that compound. I was getting him out. Period.

“There are no Vampyre hunters,” Satan said.

“What?” I asked. “How do you know?”

He rolled his eyes. “Because I’m fucking Satan,” he snapped.

“My God, man,” Felix said, impressed. “I’ve always known you were powerful, but being able to bang yourself really takes it up a notch! Good on you!”

Uncle Fucker inhaled deeply, then stared up at the starry night sky for a full three minutes and forty-seven seconds before he was able to speak. I truly wanted to laugh but didn’t dare. The idiot would keep running into this problem if he insisted on using that line. I’d warned him repeatedly, but he didn’t listen. None of us said a word or moved an inch. His silence was terrifying.

“Let’s start over. Shall we?” he ground out between clenched teeth with his eyes shooting red fire.

“Sure,” I said, biting back my grin. “How do you know that there are no Vampyre hunters?”

Again, he inhaled deeply and considered his words before he spoke. It was a vast improvement. “Because I’m Satan.”

“That’s it?” I questioned.

“That’s it,” he replied. “It was a red herring to throw you off the real issue.”

“The Dhampirs.”

“Correct,” he replied, pulling a folded piece of paper from the breast pocket of his Armani suit and handing it to me. “This is for you. You’ll owe me.”

I glanced at it and almost shrieked with joy. I didn’t care what I would owe him. This was beyond worth it. It was a map of Area 51 and the interiors of the buildings. “How did you get it? This is a top-secret government compound.”

“I’m Satan.”

“Right,” I said.

“And he can fornicate with himself,” Felix reminded everyone. “The man can do it all! From this day forward, Satan is my role model. I shall endeavor to bang myself at every opportunity until I find a girlfriend.”

I was pretty sure Felix was about to be a goner, but since Satan adored praise, he let it go. The way to a narcissist’s black heart was via compliments, no matter how horrible and visually disgusting.

“Do you have any other information?” I asked with my fingers crossed.

“It will cost you,” he replied with a smirk.

“Not surprising,” I shot back, ready to wipe that smirk right off his face. “And since we’re on the favor thing, we can use all the favors you owe me to erase the ones I’m about to owe you.”

“What do I owe you favors for?” he demanded, appalled.

“Let me see,” I said, feigning deep thought. “For the time I didn’t tell Elle you tried to glue your son’s bottom shut so you could tell God that your boy no longer pooped in his diapers. Or the time I talked Steve Perry out of getting a third restraining order against you for putting an air tag on him so you could accidentally run into the greatest singer of all time on the regular. Or maybe, the time I took the blame for blowing up Mother Nature’s kitchen so you didn’t have to eat her Turkey Noodle Dooda Surprise casserole.”

“Forgot about those,” Uncle Fucker said sheepishly.

“I didn’t,” I replied.

“So, I see.” He grinned and saluted me. “I’ve taught you well. You’re just awful.”

“Thank you.” A compliment was a compliment even when it was an insult. “Talk.”

“You already have the information of where they are. I’d suggest you use it and abuse it.”

I was so over the cryptic, but just nodded. If he said that I had it then I had it. It was either hidden in the map he’d given me or it was in one of the rag mags. “Thank you.”

The Devil smiled at me. “I’d say you’re welcome, but it goes against my morals.”

“Got it,” I told him, returning his smile.

“Another piece of advice before I go,” he said, glancing at my small group. When his gaze landed on Martha and Jane, he visibly winced. “Where in the ever-loving fuck are your shirts?”

“Gotta have the nips flappin’ in the wind to find Lizard,” Jane explained with a cackle and a shimmy.

Satan pressed the bridge of his nose and sighed dramatically. “That is entirely too much information.”

“The advice?” I pressed, knowing he was only seconds away from poofing back to Hell to avoid looking at Martha and Jane’s knockers.

“Unsurprisingly, Pam, and very surprisingly, Jane, had some sage words. Recall them and use as necessary.”

A little zing shot through me. I knew exactly what he meant. Pam had said, ‘Always be willing to burn a bridge when you’re standing on it, but make sure the time is right.’ And Jane, well, she said a lot of crap, but I was only going with the stuff that was profound—‘The child who ain’t embraced by the fuckin’ village will burn that fucker down to feel some warmth.’

“Thank you,” I whispered to my uncle.

With a curt nod and a wink, he added one more obscure comment. “The weather is always interesting. Don’t you think?”

And on that note, the Devil disappeared.

It was time to get to work.