30. Lucy

The seedsmy father had planted dwelled deep inside me and I'd truly thought that all I had to do was keep my distance from alphas so I wouldn't turn out just like him. It would be so easy because I was defective.

No one wanted me.

Getting over the fact that I'd never be a real omega was somehow easier than accepting I've done everything in my power to walk a different path from the one my father took but somehow I still ended up at the same fucking destination.

I had to laugh because otherwise I would cry.

The seeds had sprouted so long ago I never realized the tree he'd planted was actually holding me together this whole time – so entangled with my flesh I didn't even notice.

I've always been damned.

Maybe I should have eaten all the fruit of the dead I could find, because then at least it would feel like I've earned this. Feasting on forbidden fruit would have explained why the taste of blood always grounded me.

But I'd always kept my hands to myself and forced myself to make different, better choices.

I couldn't stop laughing because it was all so stupid. I was stupid.

And just like that, all my pain turned into violence.

Grabbing one of the trays, I threw it across the room with an agonized scream that shocked even me. I grabbed another tray, and then another. Throwing them at the camera Liam had Cas put in my room the day we were hired.

Diamonds and gold scattered across my room like childish junk as I laughed and laughed.

"Lucy?"

I ignored Cas and emptied out my drawer until every single piece of my life that I've ever treasured was spread across my room like the trash it was. Then I closed it as softly as I could so it didn't make a single sound.

Like it had never existed.

"Lucy, I need you to answer me."

But you belong to me. Why should I do anything to make you feel better right now? Didn't you promise to give me whatever I wanted? Well, right now I want your silence.

"Why is the door locked? Can you please answer me before I freak the fuck out?"

He really did sound like he was going to panic.

I wrapped my arms around my legs, burying my face in my knees so they couldn't see me even through the camera. They didn't deserve to see anything, but this was the best I could do right now.

"Come on. Open the door, sweetheart."

Just leave me alone. I need to figure out what I'm going to do.

"Open the fucking door, Lucy." That growl I loved so much was threatening me now and then his tone shifted like he realized he might have made a mistake. "Come on. I'm begging you."

Then beg. Get on your knees Cas, and promise me you didn't know anything. Beg and plead for my forgiveness.

"Jesus fucking Christ, just say something. Anything. Let me know you're alive."

He could still see me through the camera so saying something simply because he wanted me to served no purpose other than to cater to his needs, not mine.

"Lucy, please. I know you're in there."

Fine. If he was going to be this fucking annoying, then I should at least use it to my advantage.

I slowly got to my feet and walked over to the door, knowing he could hear every footstep.

"Did you know?"

He didn't immediately respond and that was enough of an answer, but I wanted to hear whatever bullshit excuse he was going to come up with.

"I didn't know who you were until you got sick."

At least he didn't try to lie to me.

"But you've known since then."

The silence stretched and I stared blankly at my door, knowing he was only a few inches away. All I had to do was unlock it and he'd give me everything I could possibly need or want.

But it was all a lie.

He needed me just as badly or he wouldn't be here pleading with me to let him in.

Cas sighed and the door shuddered when something thumped against it. It was easy to imagine him dropping his head against it, hands on the door like he could feel me through the wood, right on the other side.

"Liam told me who you were that night because I didn't understand why he was acting so fucking weird, but it wasn't any of my business because you were never supposed to be mine."

No wonder he's been so insecure about our relationship. Cas knew who I was and he'd convinced himself I could never want him when I learned who Liam was.

"Neither of us knew who you were before you came to Valor Enterprises to help with Gideon's case," Cas tried to explain. "But he's spent the last fifteen years searching for you."

I closed my eyes, feeling the rage start to shift. Yeah, I was still furious, but underneath that was the overwhelming grief I've been holding onto for all these years – endless sorrow over being forgotten…cast aside like a nostalgic, childhood toy.

Except he's been looking for me this whole time.

The boy I've never been able to forget felt the same way I did. He never broke his promise…so why would he keep it from me after realizing who I was?

"I hate you," I whispered, knowing it wasn't fair…but I didn't care. "You should have told me."

"How could I possibly do that when I wasn't there, making childhood memories with the two of you?" Cas slammed his hand into the door and for the first time, I didn't flinch. "I'm always stuck between the both of you, constantly wishing this was something I could be a part of, but I can't. I'm just some random guy, so what right do I have?"

"You said you love me! If that's true, you would have told me!" I slapped the door, pissed he was one of the only alphas in the world who cared about the people he loved and their emotions more than his own. "I can't even remember what he used to look like. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel right now? I know I'm bad with names, but I would have remembered Valor. I'm not that bad…I would have remembered."

"Lucy…please."

"I would have remembered a name like Valor…right? How could I have forgotten? How? Am I really that stupid? I know I would never be able to recognize his face, but that name…"

"Come on sweetheart, let me in. I need to see you. I need to make sure you're okay."

How was I supposed to be okay? I hadn't been forgotten, but it still felt like I was abandoned.

There were many things I could forgive, but this? Liam knew better than anyone how much I hated the fact that I couldn't remember names or faces to save my life, so why had he used it to his advantage?

An alpha doesn't know how to love the way we do. They need power so they refuse to give us what we need.

I would never forget the way he made me feel like I was everything…or the way he made me feel like I was nothing.

We have to make them scared – make them afraid to lose us or we'll never survive.

I looked up at the camera hidden in the corner of my room behind a hammock full of plushies. The thing had a perfect view of my whole room including the window. Even the inside of my closet. If the door was open.

"Lucy, you have ten seconds to open this door."

Come on, Cas. Show me just how scared you are.

They only ever react to the fear of loss.

Turning on my heel, I headed toward my nightstand and yanked the drawer open. Inside was my meds, my vitamins, a loaded gun and a knife.

"Let's make one thing very clear, Lucy. I am not Liam. He is the one who's waited so fucking patiently all these years. Not me."

I contemplated my options as Cas rattled the doorknob hard enough I could hear the wood creak in protest. Then I reached in, wrapping my fingers around the hilt of my two-inch blade. It wouldn't be easy to kill someone with this, but it was sharp.

They are alphas. Hunters. Predators. Buteven wolves bleed like the rest of us.

"Lucy…do you really think I let him control my life because I don't know how to tell him no? You think I couldn't make him stop if I wanted to? I let him get away with all his psychotic bullshit because I need it just as badly as he does."

I glanced back at the door to see it shaking and shuddering under the force of Cas's panic and fear. He was doing so well. I truly believed he was terrified to lose me.

"You can't just cut me out of your life like this." Cas slammed his fist into the door. "My life revolves around you now. If you cut me out, then what the fuck is my purpose? Why do I even exist if you won't let me do what I was put on this godforsaken planet to do?"

"Then what about Liam?"

"What about him? He needs you even more than I do. He needs me to love you just as much as he does because we don't know how to live any other way."

Such a pretty sentiment, but it wasn't enough.

"Lucy, open this fucking door before I break it down."

Cas was losing his mind from the sound of it, making good on his promise to break down my stupid door, but he wasn't the one I wanted fighting so hard to see me.

Was Liam still watching?

I looked up at the camera and made sure they could both see the knife in my hand.

Then I crossed my room and stepped into my closet, gently closing the door behind me.

Darkness descended. No more sunshine. No more rain.

There wasn't a single camera inside the closet from what I remembered since the one in my room was angled to see inside it when the door was open.

I looked up at the ceiling and studied the constellations I'd painted in here when we'd first moved in…such a sparkly gold, even in the dark.

Love is rich with both honey and venom. I'd always wondered what that Latin saying was supposed to mean and now I knew.

I wanted them both to suffer even if it was just for a little bit. I wanted them to understand just a fraction of what I was feeling. They needed to know what it felt like to be afraid they might be abandoned.

Yeah, I knew I couldn't actually leave them. It was way too fucking late for that. But I was going to teach them what it felt like to be loved by an omega. Violently. With teeth and claws.

They would learn to relish in the taste of blood the same way I did.

Sliding down the door, I dropped into an exhausted heap on the floor.

I had to establish the rules of this relationship before I forgot what this pain felt like – what the taste of the blood in my mouth was a reminder of.

Biting down on my cheek as hard as I could, blood gushing into my mouth as my bedroom door was torn off its hinges in psychotic desperation, I knew they would never forget this. They would learn.

Power and strength could bring someone to their knees, but so could fear.

Wood splintered and I could hear the second he reached my closet door, faster than any beta or omega could ever be.

Hiding in here wasn't a long-term solution. All I'd wanted was to make them wonder why I needed a knife where they couldn't see what I was doing with it. I'd wanted to make them afraid.

Just like I was.

The closet door was ripped open and large hands grabbed me, yanking me up and spinning me around so fast I felt dizzy.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

I looked up, realizing it wasn't Cas snarling down at me, but Liam.

And he was absolutely furious.