Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Clemson
The moment our eyes locked, my stomach turned over, and I thought I’d lose the contents. How the hell could this be happening? Never in a thousand years would I have thought our paths would cross like this.
It didn’t even dawn on me that the two men I was “dating” were both inviting me to the same event that evening. Never crossed my mind. Not once. The holiday season was upon us. There were so many social events going on around the city every weekend. What were the odds that we’d end up at the same one?
Luke looked like his head was about to explode, and before I had to witness that happen, knowing damn well I was the cause of the wild look in his eyes, I excused myself to use the restroom.
From inside the bathroom stall, I dug through my little clutch for my cell phone. Grace picked up immediately, and I had to focus on my breathing to keep from having a full-on breakdown.
“You’re not going to believe what is happening right now,” I whisper-shouted into my phone. I bent at the waist while perched on the toilet to look under the stall dividers to see if I was in the room alone. No other visible feet, so I sat up tall and blotted my sweaty forehead with a wad of toilet paper.
“Okay. Calm down and tell me what’s going on,” my roommate instructed in that take-charge tone she adopted when I was melting down.
“Luke is here,” I hissed. “And not only is he here, but he is also sitting at the same table we are. The same table Brian and I are seated at.”
“Maybe he won’t recognize you,” she foolishly offered.
“Grace! Be serious. Brian introduced me to him by name, and the death glare he gave me in return made it very clear he was making all kinds of assumptions in his mind.”
“Pull him aside and explain it to him,” she said simply.
Nothing about this situation was simple.
“Oh, yes. Right in the middle of the swankiest event I’ve ever been to, I’m going to explain to Luke that I lied to him because I’ve been whoring myself out to another guy to afford college tuition. Perfect solution.” I ranted through the entire bit without taking a single breath. By the last word, I was lightheaded.
“First of all,” Grace said firmly, “you’re not whoring yourself out, and you know that. Second, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t bite my head off.”
“You’re right. You’re right.” I worried my lip between my teeth. “I’m sorry.”
I burst out of the little stall, needing more air circulating around my body. “Of all the fucking events going on in the city tonight, we had to land at the same one. This is ridiculous.”
“Honestly, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. I mean, think about it, Clem. They’re both successful business?—”
“There are tons of successful people in this city.” I took a deep breath and tried to settle down.
“What should I do?” I pleaded with her to give me a reasonable solution here.
“Go back out there and face the music. For one thing, you have an obligation to Brian—to be a good date and not cause any commotion so he can do his thing, right?”
“Yes. You’re right,” I agreed with another deep breath in and out.
“As far as Luke goes, I’d try to pull him aside and tell him you can explain everything if he will give you the chance to do that. But this event is not the time or place.”
She made it all sound so easy.
We said goodbye, and she wished me luck. I fixed my face in the mirror and held my head high as I made my way back to the table. Brian quickly stood to help me with my chair, giving me one of those magical looks he could give when I met his eyes. It could’ve been my imagination, but I thought I heard Luke audibly hiss from across the table.
The event speaker took the mic, and the lights were dimmed while he gave his presentation. There were some fundraising efforts going on, and he spoke in detail about the mission. I felt my clutch vibrate from an incoming call or message on my phone, and I snuck a glance at the device while everyone else was focused on the stage.
Swim team obligation?
I quickly typed out a reply but didn’t make eye contact with Luke. I didn’t want the others at the table to pick up on what was going on. That he and I were texting each other.
I can explain everything if you’ll let me. But not here. Let’s just get through this and talk later.
He didn’t respond after that, and I didn’t blame him. He had every right to be angry and hurt. If he had let me explain the situation, I think he’d understand, but I wasn’t sure he would give me the chance. After the way things had gone yesterday—and without speaking all day today—he probably thought I was choosing Brian over him. Little did he know, there was nothing going on between us outside our agreement.
And how would he handle that knowledge? When I came clean and told him what I had to do to stay at school and earn my scholarship back? Would he understand? Maybe even applaud my resourcefulness?
I chuckled to myself, knowing I was wishing on a star that had fallen from the sky long ago on that chance.
Through conversation over dinner, I learned that Luke’s advertising firm was courting Brian’s business to try to win the account from Luke’s biggest competitor. Luke was excellent at selling his company and their services. Even though I could feel his hostility toward me from across the table, I was proud of his sales tactics. If I had a chance to put in a good word with Brian, I would.
Coming clean to both of them was an absolute must. How they dealt with the information I gave them was up to them. I’d pick up the pieces afterward, but being honest was the only way out.
There was a silent auction going on along one side of the room, dancing in the center, and a lot of alcohol consumption no matter where I looked. These people could really put back the drinks. It made any frat party I’d ever been to look like child’s play.
Brian and I shared a few dances. I’d learned on our very first event date like this that he was an excellent dancer. He moved across the floor effortlessly and led so well, I almost looked like I knew what I was doing. Normally, I enjoyed dancing with him, but tonight, I was self-conscious about his hand placement on my body, and it felt like a dark set of angry eyes were boring a whole in my back the entire time. I couldn’t relax and enjoy it.
“You doing okay tonight? You seem tense,” Brian observed as we moved around the dance floor.
“I’m fine.” I forced a bright smile.
He dipped his eyebrows. “Something’s definitely not fine, but you’ll talk about it when you’re ready. I hope it’s not something I’ve done.”
“No,” I spurted immediately. “You’ve been amazing, as always. There is something on my mind, though, you’re right. But this isn’t the place for that conversation.”
“Do you want to get out of here? I wouldn’t mind leaving. We could go back to my place. Or get some coffee.”
“Only if you really want to leave. I’m here for you, remember.”
“You look stunning, if I haven’t told you already.”
I smiled genuinely that time. “You have, but thank you. This dress is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever worn. You’re spoiling me.”
“It looks exquisite on you. And I’ve told you before, it makes me happy to give you things. Let’s say our goodbyes—to the table, at least—and leave. I’ve had enough of this guy hard-selling me all night.”
He was referring to Luke, and I winced. I didn’t think he came on too strong, but I guess there was a fine line between being confident in what you had to offer and pushing too hard.
Luckily, Luke wasn’t at the table when we picked up our belongings and left the venue. I planned on reaching out to him later to explain what was going on. I wasn’t sure he’d give me the opportunity, but I’d try.
Brian never took me to his place before, and I was a little nervous entering his home. He had a beautiful place on the cliffs in La Jolla. The west-facing side of the home was made mostly of windows, and I could see the Pacific Ocean crashing angrily on the rocks along the shore. Gone were the warm, glorious days of summer, and it looked like a storm might be rolling ashore.
“This is amazing. This view could capture my attention all day,” I said, staring out the tall windows.
“This home took a lot of work when I first bought it, but I love it now. I can’t imagine living anywhere else.” He handed me a heavy glass with about an inch and a half of brown liquor.
It smelled strong but tasted much better than I expected.
“Come sit with me and tell me what’s been bothering you all night,” Brian said while getting comfortable on the sofa. He had removed his tuxedo jacket and tie and carefully rolled the sleeves of his white shirt up to expose his forearms.
I sat beside him on the sofa and kicked off my heels. I sighed immediately when my toes could stretch out rather than being jammed into the points of the shoes.
“I don’t know where to begin with this,” I said.
“You can be honest with me, Clemson. In fact, I want you to be. I hope you’re comfortable enough to just speak your mind.”
“I am. You always make me feel safe. I know I can talk to you about anything.”
I took a deep breath and just let it all spill out.
“Right when I listed my profile, I met a guy. Not on the dating site where I met you. In real life, for lack of a better term. We’ve been seeing each other this whole time, but I never told him about you or what I did to secure my tuition.”
“And now you’re feeling guilty about hiding it from him?”
“Well, it’s a little more than that. Yes, all those things, but that man at the table tonight? Luke Allen? He’s the guy I’ve been seeing.”
Brian’s eyes went wide.
“He invited me to the same event this evening, and I lied to him and told him I had a team obligation that I couldn’t get out of. We had a fight last night on top of everything else because he said he doesn’t feel like he’s my priority and that he’s more invested in us than I am. I didn’t have a chance to smooth that over today, and now, after what happened tonight—well, I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined things.”
Brian had lifted my feet into his lap and was rubbing the soreness away while I spoke. It was such a heavenly feeling. I rested my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes. He was quiet for a while, and I worried that I’d said too much.
“Are you angry?” I asked.
“Not at all. What would I be angry about? Never did I say you couldn’t date. It’s been my experience, though, that a lot of men don’t understand a relationship like ours. That there can’t be a nonphysical bond between two people. So you may do all the explaining you can, and he still won’t understand. I don’t know what to advise here.”
“Adding to it all, he’s trying to get you to do business with his advertising firm, and I feel like I’ve really made a mess of things for you both. If you were truly thinking of giving him your business, I hope this doesn’t get in the way.”
“Darling, it won’t,” he said with a grin. “Don’t worry yourself over my business decisions, okay?”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the smile for?” I asked in a lighter tone.
“You. You make me smile. Your heart is so big. You want everyone to get along. For everything to be right in the world. It’s such a young, fresh outlook. I wish there were a way to hold on to that.”
I chose to take that as a compliment. If I was a more negative person, I might take that to mean that I was na?ve, but I liked my version better.
“Will you spend the night?” he asked abruptly.
I leveled my gaze with his. “I thought—” I began, almost panicking. We never did more than kiss, and I was in no emotional space for sex with a new person tonight.
He chuckled. “I have a guest room with your name all over it. I just don’t want to go back out into the cold.” He motioned toward the windows. “Looks like rain is coming.”
“Thank you,” I said with relief. I would really miss his easy friendship when we went our separate ways. Depending on what happened with Luke, that might be sooner than I thought.
“And Clemson,” Brian said as we strolled down the hall toward what I assumed were the bedrooms. “If you explain our arrangement to your boyfriend, and he’s not okay with it, I’ll completely understand.”
“Brian,” I nearly gasped as panic rose in my throat. “I don’t have the money to pay you back, not yet, any?—”
“Did you really think I expected you to? Or that I’d even let you?” He smiled and gave me a long, warm hug before showing me to the guest room.
I texted Grace and told her I’d be staying out all night and not to worry. She sent me a few emojis when I told her I was with Brian, and I quickly texted her to shut down any wild ideas she had.
You know things aren’t like that between us.
I’m just teasing you. Calm down. What happened with Luke?
Nothing. He’s really upset, and I couldn’t talk to him there. I’m going to try to text him next. I told Brian what was going on though. He’s the sweetest man.
Well, good luck with Luke. I’ll see you in the morning.
I wandered into the bathroom and found a slew of products available. Thankfully, there were some makeup wipes and cleanser so I could wash my face before bed. He even had a brand-new toothbrush and toothpaste available, so I used those too.
I laid the gown across the bench at the end of the bed and found a T-shirt neatly folded nearby. Brian must have snuck back in here while I was in the bathroom and left it for me to sleep in. The thing hung down to the middle of my thighs, and I smiled thinking about how considerate the guy was.
Once again, I wondered how he had not been scooped up by now. He seemed to be the full package in a partner, minus his workaholic tendencies. For a woman like me who wasn’t ready to settle down and start a family, it didn’t really seem like that big of a roadblock. But I guess if I was at a different stage in my life, it would be a huge red flag.
Putting thoughts of Brian away for the evening, I looked at my phone for a long time, trying to gather the courage to text Luke. I wrote and deleted three messages and was about to turn over and go to sleep when the device lit up in my hand.
Are you still with him?
Yuck. I already hated the tone of this conversation. I refused to let him shame me for any of the choices I made that got me in this situation. Did I make mistakes? Yeah, probably. Should I have been upfront with him from the start? Probably. But did that give him the right to talk down to me or be shitty. Nope. I didn’t think so.
I’m at his house, in the guest room. Alone. Can we talk instead of text?
I watched the message status change from sent to received to read . At least five minutes went by before my phone vibrated with an incoming FaceTime request from Luke.
Okay, that had to be a good sign, right? I took a deep breath and swiped to accept the call. I held the camera at a comfortable angle and stared at the handsome face on the screen.
“Hi,” I said in nearly a whisper.
“Hey,” he answered curtly.
Oh boy, he was really still in a foul mood.
“If you’re really mad, we can put this off until tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is upset you.”
“Tell me how you would feel in my shoes, Clemson.”
“Hurt. Betrayed. I didn’t say I didn’t understand why you were upset, just that it was never my intention.”
“Let’s just get this out in the open. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep wondering what the hell is going on.”
I nodded. Made sense. The old rip the Band-Aid off principle.
“Are you sleeping with him?” he asked with a wince.
“No. Never. It’s not like that.”
“Figured you’d say that,” he said petulantly and looked away from the camera.
“Well, it’s the truth. We have an arrangement…” Maybe that wasn’t the best term to use. “Christ, this sucks,” I said and ran my fingers through my hair. “Do you remember when you first started messaging me, right after we volunteered at the shelter together the first time?”
He nodded.
“Do you remember that I kept saying I had a lot going on at the time and didn’t want to date anyone?”
“Yeah, I remember. I guess I didn’t think you meant you already had a boyfriend.”
“I didn’t. That’s not what I meant. And obviously, I realized since then that I should’ve just told you the whole story from the beginning. But the more I fell for you, the harder it got, and—well, I didn’t say anything.”
He said nothing. Just waited for me to spill my guts.
So I did.
“When I met you, I was failing school. I lost my scholarship and was in jeopardy of getting kicked off the swim team. Everything was falling apart because I was lazy and didn’t keep my grades up. The academic review board said that if I got my GPA back up the following semester, they would reinstate my funding, but for the upcoming semester, I was on my own financially. I panicked because I didn’t have that kind of money, and I didn’t want to tell my parents what happened. I did what I had to so I didn’t have to drop out.”
“Okay…” He sighed. “What does that have to do with another guy?”
“I’m getting to that part.” I took a deep breath. I had a really bad feeling he wasn’t going to like the rest of this story.
“I applied for some jobs, and nothing came through. So I looked for other ways to make a lot of money quickly. I ended up creating a profile on a website that hooks up women who needed financial support with men who could provide that in exchange for dating them.”
“An escort service? Jesus Christ, Clemson.”
“No, not an escort service. It’s called sugar dating, and it doesn’t necessarily involve physical intimacy. I met Brian, and he agreed to pay my tuition in exchange for being available to be his date at functions like the one tonight. More than anything, we’ve become friends, and he’s more of a mentor to me than anything else.”
“Do you expect me to believe that? I’m a man, don’t forget. I know what men are like.”
“Well, it’s the truth. I can’t force you to believe me, but that’s the truth. I’ve never slept with him. In fact, this is the first time I’ve been to his house. I told him what was going on with you, and he didn’t want me to go home and be alone all night. He’s a very good person.”
“Oh, joy. I’ll be sure to give him a pat on the back when I see him next time.”
I just stared at the screen. He was hurt, I knew that. But I could only take so much of this type of reaction.
“Look,” I said. “I’m sorry I lied to you about having a team obligation tonight. I’m sorry we ended up at the same place and if I embarrassed you in any way. I care about you so much, and I’m sorry I hurt you. My agreement with Brian is almost over, and I planned on telling you about it when it was. I just wanted to wrap things up before I committed more seriously to you. I didn’t think it was fair.”
All of that came flooding out, and I wasn’t sure I should’ve said any of it. It didn’t seem to be helping my case based on the expression on his face. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke again.
“That’s a lot to digest.”
I nodded. At that point, the less I said the better.
Finally, I asked the question I was afraid to know the answer to. “Where does this leave us now?”
“I’m not really sure.” He scrubbed his palm down his face, and for the first time, he looked so much older than me. “It’s been a really long night. Plus, I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m exhausted. How about we talk tomorrow or something?”
“Or something?” I croaked.
“I don’t know, Clemson. I don’t know what you want me to say right now. I can’t just say it’s okay, because it’s not. You’ve been lying to me, dating another man behind my back.”
He held his hand up to stop me when I tried to interrupt.
“It’s just a lot,” he continued. “I think we should take a few days to figure out what we both want.”
“All right. That’s fair.”
We were both quiet but not ready to hang up.
For me, this felt like goodbye. I could only hope it wasn’t, but it was out of my hands now. Whatever happened, I knew I’d brought it upon myself.
Finally, I said, “I guess good night, then. Call me when you’re ready.”
“Goodbye, Clemson,” he said, and it felt like a lot more than just the usual way to end a phone call.