Truth Hurts （39）

It'd been almost two weeks.

Amara and Jake hadn't spoken at all. When she'd reached out to him the following day, he let her know that he needed some time to process all that had happened. She'd even offered to tell him everything, but he wasn't having any part of it.

"I like you, Amara. I really do. A lot. But whatever you have going on with those young boys? I don't want any part of that shit."

Once again, in an instant, she'd found herself in the same place she'd been when her ex-husband had cheated and after her divorce: lying in her bed, wishing death would swallow her whole. There was a small portion of it that was because of Jake, as she really did like him, but it was mostly a resurgence of excruciating memories that she had hoped never to revisit again.

She'd thought a lot about what Ryan had said to her that night in the hallway.

"You ever gonna start taking responsibility for anything that happens in your fucking life, or you just gonna live forever as a victim?"

As much as it killed her to admit it, he was right.

None of this would have ever happened if she'd just been able to keep her hormones under control. Sure, she'd wanted to play around after her divorce, but never at the expense of those two beautiful boys' feelings.

For her to keep pretending this was all Ryan's fault was completely ludicrous. She'd taken him for all he was worth, knowing full well from the day they'd met that he wasn't a man who was mentally prepared to handle any of this. And truth be told, she'd done him dirty: she'd dated him when she didn't want to, she'd enabled his sex addiction by coaxing him into an open relationship, and she'd led him on after dumping him literal minutes after fucking his teammate in front of him.

She'd broken him.

And then there was Tyler, who she'd used for sex on multiple occasions just because she could, knowing damn well that as much as he tried to play it off, he had feelings for her, too. She had no right to lead either of them on the way she had, and despite all of it, both had stuck by her side, having taken care of her over the past couple weeks.

"Hey."

Ryan had knocked on her door on day two of her hibernation with a plate in his hand and a bottle of water under his arm. "Can I come in for a sec? I just brought you something to eat. You need to eat, Mar." He'd set the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which looked like a blind, one-armed toddler had made it, and the water on her nightstand as she'd pulled the covers up over her head and rolled away from him.

"I guess you're still mad at me. I'll leave. Just wanted to make sure you had something to eat."

If she'd had any balls, she'd have told him the truth: she wasn't mad at him at all. She was furious with herself for the damage she'd done to him. He wasn't the same man she'd met in September, and she knew it was all her fault.

By the third day, when every single one of his texts had gone unanswered, Tyler's grace period had expired, and he arrived at her bedroom door. He'd come in without knocking, sat down on the bed next to her, and reached a hand up to her face, stroking her cheek.

"Why don't you shower? You'll feel better, and it's pretty fuckin' obvious you haven't." He waved his hand in front of his nose in a futile attempt to get her to smile, then pulled back the covers, slipped his hands under her arms, and helped her get up. He led her to her bathroom, set the water for her, and helped her get undressed, keeping his eyes squeezed shut the entire time.

"It's nothing you haven't seen before," she mumbled, stepping into the shower and closing the door behind her.

"I know. But I'm a fuckin' gentleman."

"You really are, Ty."

He'd gathered up some clothes for her, laid them on the bathroom sink, and waited in her room until she finished and re-emerged. "Wanna go for a ride somewhere? Anywhere you wanna go. Ice cream, pick up some hookers. It's your world, babe."

She shook her head no and climbed back into her bed, with him sitting next to her and resting an arm across her body.

"You and Ry OK?" she asked quietly, remembering how Ryan had told her he was still in love with her in front of Tyler, which she was pretty sure hadn't felt good.

"Yeah, we're fine. He's been suckin' my dick like, three times a day since that night, so I mean, I guess I should thank you. I think my balls are goin' numb."

"I'm sorry, Ty. I really am."

"Don't be. He gives a badass BJ. Like, the best head I've ever gotten. Good way to shut his whiny ass up, too."

"No, I mean I'm sorry for…everything. Everything that happened with Ryan, everything that happened with you. I used both of you guys. I didn't intend to, but I did. And I have an insane amount of guilt about it."

"Hey?" He ran a hand through her hair. "I have zero regrets about anything that happened with you. We fuckin' had fun, Amara, and you led me and Rook to each other. Neither one of our stubborn asses would've ever acted on our feelings if you hadn't encouraged us."

"I hurt him, Ty. I hate myself for it. He didn't deserve that."

"Nah, you both hurt each other. He wasn't innocent either. And not for nothin', but Ryan Baylor's been hurtin' girls his whole life. There's only so much shit you can throw at the world before it gets fed up and tosses some back at you." He patted her arm and leaned in to kiss her on her forehead. "You don't need to worry about Rook. I'm gonna take care of him, OK?"

"You love him?"

Tyler nodded. "So fuckin' much it terrifies me." He got up from the bed and headed towards her door. "I'll check in with you later, OK? If you need anything, you know where to find me." He closed her door and left, and though she'd never been more grateful for another human being, it was time.

She knew exactly what she needed to do.

???

Ryan paced nervously outside the restaurant and checked his phone.

3:56 p.m.

He wanted to go inside, but he was too anxious. Going inside would make it real; at least out here, he could pretend he was doing something else entirely.

He'd been back to therapy twice since his birthday, explaining to Dr. Gephart everything that had gone down with Hayes and with Amara and Jake.

"I don't believe you're in love with her, Ryan. What I believe is that she's the first woman who's ever given you a run for your money. You're used to calling the shots, throwing girls away when you decide you're done with them, controlling who gets to come close to you. She came in and took that ability away from you. I don't deny that there's love between the two of you, but you're not in love with her, Ryan."

"Why does it hurt so bad then?"

"Sometimes our most painful experiences end up being those that we create within our minds."

"Hey," a voice said, and Ryan turned around to see Jake. "Why didn't you wait inside? Aren't you freezing?"

"I'm fine. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me."

"Yeah, no problem."

They headed inside, opting for a high top in the bar area. The waitress had immediately come over, they'd ordered a couple of beers and made some small talk until their drinks arrived at the table.

"So? I guess you're wondering why I wanted to meet up with you," Ryan began.

"I think I have a pretty good idea, but let's hear it."

"I wanted to…" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Sorry. I'm getting anxious. Give me a sec."

You need to explain things to him and fix things for her. She didn't deserve what you did to her and neither did he. He deserves to hear the truth, just like you deserve to hear the truth. You can do this.

He opened his eyes. "OK. I'm good. I wanted to let you know why all of that happened, and I'm hopeful you can work things out with her because she really likes you, man."

"I really like her, too," he said. "But Ryan? I'm almost 50 years old. I don't have time or patience for this bullshit. Especially coming off a divorce recently? I don't need any more drama."

"I can understand that. So, here's the deal: we ended up as roommates by chance. I needed someone to split rent with, and she needed a place to live. Her cousin is my athletic trainer and he arranged it. From the minute we met, there was an instant connection, and we began hooking up within a few weeks. I'm pretty sure I misinterpreted my attraction to her as love. I'm…kind of a whore, so I figured if we hooked up and I didn't wanna immediately forget she existed, it must be love, right? Anyway, she never wanted to date me. Amara is incredibly smart. She knew this shit would never work, but I kept pushing, and for whatever reason, she finally agreed. It…all got real messy after that."

Jake stared blankly at him for a few moments. "And where's your boyfriend fit into this equation?"

"They had a flirt fest in the laundry room the day she moved in, and they wanted each other ever since. Hayes could flirt his way into anyone's pants, clearly. He had a girlfriend at the time, though, so she wouldn't touch him. We eventually…shit," he paused. "We eventually had a threesome and she immediately broke up with me. We kept hooking up, but she was hooking up with him, too."

"Jesus," he muttered, looking away. "Is there anyone else? Do I need to get myself tested?"

"Trust me, I know this all sounds awful, but if you know anything about her, she's…she's been through hell. Has she told you what happened with her ex?"

"Yes, Ryan. We talk. I know a lot about her."

"Then you know what an amazing person she is. The first day I met her? I had a major panic attack, and she got down on the floor with me and walked me through it, didn't even hesitate. She's caring, she's nurturing, she's patient, she's…she's…"

He snickered. "She's banging a bunch of dudes half her age, too."

"Two. Not a bunch," Ryan corrected. "And she was. She isn't anymore. I haven't been with her since before Thanksgiving, and she and Hayes stopped as soon as you two got serious."

Sighing and taking a sip of his beer, Jake looked away. "I don't know, man. I don't know if I can get past all this. Oh, and side note: how the hell did you end up with Hayes?"

"Because of her. She knew we had feelings for each other before we even did. She encouraged us to go for it, and I'm so grateful she did because as it turns out, I'm…very much in love with him."

"You ever worry about getting traded? That happens all the time in pro sports, doesn't it?"

"Thanks, man. Didn't have enough to be anxious about already," Ryan teased, earning half a smile from Jake. "We would deal with it. The good news is that the paychecks are fat, so traveling to see each other won't be an issue, you know?" Ryan shrugged. "I'll make it work for him. I'll do anything I have to do for Tyler Hayes. But back to her: I know you're gonna do what you want, but I think you should give her another chance, man."

"You just turned 24. Hayes, what, just turned 21? So, she was banging him when he was 20? She's 41, Ryan. That's…fuckin' weird."

"You do any wild shit following your divorce?" Ryan asked, staring at him intently.

Jake laughed. "Touché."

"People do weird shit after divorces, man. She was cheated on and she wanted attention, wanted to feel beautiful, desired. We gave that to her, and she ate it up. Don't hold that against her. What woman doesn't want that?"

Leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms, Jake nodded slowly. "I gotta hand it to you, Baylor. It's obvious you really care about her, you and Hayes. It's not like you guys just used her."

"Against all possible odds, the three of us are incredibly close. We fight constantly, we get on each other's nerves, and we've all fucked each other. But no matter what bullshit shows up, we find a way to get through it. She's one of the best friends I've ever had."

"And you plan on keeping that friendship with her?"

Ryan leaned down and in towards Jake, lowered his voice, and said, "Not keeping it? Isn't even an option. You want her? You get me and Hayes, too."

"You trying to be a tough guy?"

Ryan laughed, throwing his hands up. "Yeah, was it at least sort of intimidating? I mean, you could literally bench press me, so."

"Not intimidating at all."

"Dammit. Honestly though: everyone comes with a story. And a story isn't just a single, straight line, right? It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows. Don't judge someone's story solely based on one or two scenes or chapters you didn't like. It's…" Ryan stopped, then nodded. "It's a really good book."