54. Chapter 52 Arden

Chapter fifty-four

Chapter 52: Arden

O nce the others are out of the room, I face Zorvan. The way he's acting is putting me on edge. "What's going on? Is everything alright?"

"I just have something I want to show you before things get crazy tonight. And I have a small gift for you."

"A gift?" I repeat, making sure I heard him correctly, and he nods.

There have been glints of the man who banished me from Feldorn, but this man is not the same. I've been holding my breath waiting for that fierce dragon to return, but the only thing I've found is a soft husk of him. The urge to reach out–to touch him, and put his pieces back together–is strong, but I keep my hands steady at my sides. I don't want to give in to my biological desires. I've been a hostage to my hormones since I entered this realm and I want some of that power back.

But then he offers me his arm, and I can't find it in me to refuse him. I slide my arm in his and he escorts me out of the room and though I expect him to take me back toward the front hall, he leads me to the back of the building.

"Where are we going?"

"Upstairs. I just don't want prying eyes to see."

There's that knot that forms in my stomach, and that voice in the back of my head telling me that he's ashamed of me. But I shake it off. He has no reason to be ashamed. I'm just his advisor, not his mate. And I'm sure the prying eyes he means are Cyndair's.

He pulls his arm from mine, and leads me up a tall spiral staircase that has a door every fifty steps or so. Thanks to my time in Solardin, I don't get completely winded just walking up the stairs. Eventually we come to a stop outside a door. He reaches for the door knob and rests his hand on it, staring down at me. Then he draws a deep breath, twists the knob, and pushes the door open.

We step into a grand room with plush chairs, settees, and bookshelves, and large arch shaped windows. The shelves are mostly empty, but there are a few books and knick-knacks decorating them. The windows on the left side face the courtyard; we're on the same side of the castle that our quarters are on. The windows to the right face the garden, and in the center is a breathtaking stained-glass window depicting two dragons.

I approach it. "How have I never noticed this from the outside before?"

"There's an illusion on it. It was strictly for my mother's benefit. Father insisted that having it here would put a bullseye on their room for enemies. He said that it would also be an unnecessary addition to the castle just to show off. But she wanted it as a display of their love, a reminder of who they were at their most base level. She wanted to honor their dragons."

"This was their room," I say, a lump forming in my throat.

"This was their drawing room. It's where they would go to rest." He holds his hand out to me and I take it, our half-severed mate bond singing to life. He leads me in the direction of the front of the castle, and opens a large wooden door at the far end. "This was their bedroom," he says as he pushes it open.

It's enormous. It's far larger than any of the other quarters in the castle, which makes sense. Zorvan's massive room could fit in here four times over. It's homey with mossy greens and deep blues. The bed is large enough to fit all of us, and there are seats all around the room. The chandelier is made of deer horns, and is at least eight feet across.

It's comfortable and warm, and I want to cuddle up in bed and read a book and forget about the world.

I turn to face him. "Why are you showing this to me? We're going to be staying up here tonight anyway. This could have waited until after the ball."

"I need to tell you something that I haven't told anyone else–not even Jarrah." He gestures to the bed. "Please sit down."

I do as he asks, but a nervous giggle escapes. "You're freaking me out a little bit."

He gives me a sad, crooked smile. "There's no need to be nervous. I've just…had a lot of time to think since you went missing. That's all I've done when I wasn't actively searching for you." His gaze dances over my face as if memorizing me. "You have suffered a great deal. Both directly and indirectly as a result of my behavior and words. I should have just left you in your home in New York, but I was selfish. I needed you near me even if I had no intentions of claiming you."

My heart cracks in my chest. "You never planned to take me as a mate?"

"I wasn't sure I could . That's a big part of why I was so bitter and mean in the beginning. That's why I lost it when you mated Livarius. I was scared to even touch you, let alone mate you. And he got to have every single thing that I didn't. Your heart, your friendship, your...body."

"Zorvan–"

"Please let me get this all out. I'm afraid I'll lose my nerve."

"Okay," I whisper. My heart beats with nothing but hope.

He begins pacing in front of me, moving slow, breathing deep. Finally he pauses and faces me.

"I have failed you at every possible turn. Every choice I have made in regards to you has been fueled by anger, jealousy, or lust. You…" he stares at the ceiling before dropping his gaze back to me, "you are the most brilliant, and beautiful, and frustrating creature I have ever met. And I do not deserve you.

"It caused us both great agony, but I believe that severing the bond was a mercy."

I don't like where this is going.

"Zorvan–" my voice is pleading.

"When this is over–when all current threats are neutralized, and I know that you are safe and have the skills to protect yourself–"

"Zorvan–" my voice is panicked.

"I'm going to pass on my crown to Jarrah. And you will take your proper place as queen of this kingdom."

"Zorvan!" I stand and cross the distance between us.

He takes a half a step away, before holding his ground. He reaches toward my face, but stops short and whispers, "Please don't make this any harder than it is."

"Don't do this to us, again. Don't push me out, again . If I can forgive Camus for everything he did, then I can forgive you. This isn't the selfless decision you think it is. This is another selfish one. You're trying to run away because you can't live with yourself. You abandoning me again is only going to cause me more suffering.

"And you-you have suffered enough for ten lifetimes. You don't deserve any more. I'm not going to beg you to stay if you don't want to. But if there is any part of you that wants to stay here with me—with us ..."

"Of course I want to stay. There is nothing that I want more than to be with you. To rule this kingdom with you," he glances up at my forehead and swipes a piece of hair out of my face with his fingertips, "and that beautiful brain of yours. But I can't. I saw to that weeks ago."

"So you're saying that if you hadn't severed the bond, and there was some way to keep it, you would want me? You would mate me."

"I would choose you every day for the rest of eternity if I were given the opportunity to take it back. But my pride ruined the only good things I had left. I'm sorry that I didn't let things go. I'm so fucking sorry, Arden." A tear slides down his cheek, and I brush it away. "I'm thankful to the stars every day that they mated you to the others. Because while it pains me to see them with you when I can't be, it brings some semblance of comfort to me that you'll be loved and protected; that you'll get from them what you couldn't get from me."

Tears fall steadily from my own eyes. He places his hands gently on either side of my face, and kisses my forehead then continues on, "You'll do great things. You and Jarrah will rule this kingdom with grace, and you will do for the people here what I never could."

"You're not allowed to leave," I say. "We can still make things work."

"It doesn't work like that. Our bond is dissolved. Even if we take each other as chose mates–it just won't be the same. I'll spend the rest of my life watching from the sidelines while the others mate you, and put babies in you, and I'm not strong enough to watch that happen. I thought I was, but I'm not"

"The bond isn't gone, Zorvan," I whisper.

He steps back from me, and stares at me with a furrowed brow. "I know what I said—what I felt. It's gone."

"Camus said—"

"I don't give a fuck what Camus said! He wasn't there! He didn't feel it! He did the right thing and mated you."

"Please let me talk," I ask, softly. When he doesn't speak, I continue, "Have you felt, sort of, echoes of the bond?"

"The faint buzz when we touch?"

I nod.

"Yeah, a few times."

"There's apparently a way to fix the bond, since I didn't accept it. He said the bond magic works like deal magic. Both parties have to agree to end it, or it won't take."

He shakes his head in denial, as if he's scared I'm playing a trick on him. "Why don't I know about this? Why—why has no one ever told me this? Why didn't you say something when you got back?!"

I reel back a bit, and laugh bitterly. "Me? You severed our bond, Zorvan. I didn't think you wanted me. I thought you were ashamed of me, and didn't want a weak part-human girl like me."

"I know I severed the bond, but it wasn't because I didn't want you. It was because I didn't think I could have you. Not with our fathers being who they were..."

"You commented all the time about how you didn't want to mate me. You poked fun at my weight, and said you didn't want to have a baby with me."

"I did no such—" he starts, but he cuts himself off, and his eyes widen in realization. "My hesitancy about mating you had nothing to do with you , Arden. It had everything to do with me, and Todd, and your dad.

"I was furious that you had been with Todd. Logically, I knew that you didn't know about any of this, but it still caused me so much rage. And how you could possibly think that I was poking fun at your weight..."

"You made a comment about one of the dresses I wore not fitting properly before Blevora made me clothes." I say, wrapping my arms around myself.

He takes my hands in his, "I didn't mean that I didn't find you beautiful. I meant because I could practically see your nipples, and I didn't want anyone else in the castle seeing them. Your breasts were basically on display for any fae in the castle to look at, and my jealousy flared up and I snapped at you."

"Oh," I say. "I just thought...The human realm has this standard of beauty. It's getting better, but unless you look like Iona, most men don't pay you any attention. Being here, having all of this attention—It's new for me."

"Human men are idiots. When you came back here, thin and clearly starved, my first inclination was to feed you. That's why my first stop was to see Helena."

"Are you sure it wasn't to keep her from castrating you?" I ask with a playful smile.

"Well, that too. She's still so angry with me. Rightfully so."

Something in me has relaxed, knowing that he never found me undesirable. But there's still something he hasn't cleared up. "Why didn't you want to have children with me?"

"That's a long story."

"We'll make time. Tell me."

He pulls me over to the bed and we sit. He cradles his head in his hands and rubs his temples before looking at me. "You need to get a firm grasp on your dragon, because what I'm going to tell you is going to piss her off."

I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself and nod. "I think I'm ready."

"Before my parents died, I was in love," he pauses, leaving room for my dragon to protest. When she doesn't, he continues on. "She was the daughter of one of the farmers who delivered to the castle, and we began hanging out any time he made deliveries for the kitchens. She wasn't the first girl I had been with, but she was the only one who ever really mattered.

"About a year into us seeing each other, she got pregnant." A growl rumbles deep within me, and Zorvan looks at me and chuckles. "That's what I was expecting. Deep breaths." He strokes my hair, and when he's satisfied that I'm not a threat, he says, "I was elated. I didn't care if the baby was full dragon, or dragon kin. I didn't even care if it had abilities. I just wanted to be a family."

"So what happened to her?" I ask, already certain that I know the answer.

"The same thing that happens to most non-dragons who get pregnant with a dragon shifter's baby. About halfway through her pregnancy she spiked the fever. The dragon baby was producing too much heat for Eletha's body. She was far enough along that if we could just get the baby out, they might both survive.

"I took them to the infirmary, and begged the healer to help. But he had been given orders by my father not to help."

"What?" I gasp in horror. "How could he do that—to his own son ?"

"He didn't want my bastard having any claim to the throne. He thought it would weaken the bloodline. So I read books on shifter pregnancies and deliveries. I considered attempting the procedure myself, but I couldn't bring myself to cut into her. But looking back, me accidentally killing her with surgery would have been a mercy.

"She slowly boiled to death from the inside. Her body went into spasms, and her memory started to go. She didn't recognize me in the end, and could only scream in agony, until finally..." He trails off, and we sit in silence.

"That should have never happened to you, or to her," I say, placing my hand on his leg.

"It shouldn't have, but it did. And that is why I wouldn't mate with you until I knew whether or not you were strong enough to produce an heir. Not because of some obsession with continuing my line—though that is important to me—but because I wouldn't risk your life." He chuckles dryly. "The fact that I sent you away, and you came back a dragon was salt in the wound. Knowing that I could have had you any which way I wanted—that I could have had a family again—and I just...sent you away," he says the last part in a whisper. His voice is strangled like he's drowning in sorrow and regret.

"Your father..." I start, unsure of what I actually want to say.

"He was a mediocre mate, and a terrible father, but he was a great king. The people of this kingdom were his top priority. I never forgave him for what he did to Eletha, though. She deserved better. We both did. The baby was most assuredly a dragon, but he didn't care. He—the baby—" Zorvan clears his throat, and tears line his bottom lids. "I wonder every day who he would have been."

I take his hand in mine. "How did you know that it was a boy?"

"We consulted with Lysander's mother. The seers are good at determining the sex of a child. It's a definite thing that can't be swayed by choices, so the stars freely share that information."

I stare at my hands, processing and unpacking everything he just told me, and all of the misconceptions I've had since I arrived here.

"It's true that I've been through a lot since you brought me here. You've put me through a lot. You are terrible at communicating," I say with a laugh. "And if we're going to work you need to work on that."

"Why would you ever want to work things out with me? I am broken beyond repair. I will never be like Jarrah, or Livarius, or even Camus. I will never be soft with you."

"I would never want you to be soft with me. That's not who you are. Even with a completed mate bond, I don't think you would lie down and allow me to walk on you like Camus has. He is a pillar, and he keeps me standing upright when I need it, but if I demanded it, he would fall to his knees for me. He gave up everything to come here. He was Cyndair's first choice for the throne, and he gave that up."

"I was about to give up my throne too," Zorvan says defensively.

"To me, but not for me. There is a huge difference there. And maybe someday you will see that. But I think that the Stars bound us together because we challenge each other. We both need someone who won't just agree with us, and who will push us out of our comfort zones. You need someone to stand up to you when you're making a bad decision.

"I'm sure your mother was a lovely woman, but I would never let you treat any of your friends the way that your father treated my grandfather. And over my dead body would you treat our child the way that your father treated you."

His gaze snaps to my face, his eyes boring into mine. "Say that again." My confusion must be apparent because he says, "Our... what ?"

"Our...child?" I say hesitantly. "Our hypothetical, in the very far future, hopefully a dragon, child," I clarify.

He pushes me back on the enormous bed and hovers over me. I hit the mattress with a oomf and stare up at him wide-eyed.

"You're not lying to me? We can fix the bond?" he asks, eyes desperately searching mine.

"According to Camus. And he knows a lot of things about a lot of things."

"And you want this? You want me ?"

"I always have." I place my hand on his cheek, and stare up at him. "Even when I pretended I didn't. From the second I saw you in the park, I wanted you."

"I'm not just talking about physically. You've never been able to resist that part of me. I'm talking mind, body and soul. You want every single dark sliver of my being?"

There's a piece of him that's unsure of this development. If I didn't know any better, I would say that he was feeling self-conscious. I nod.

"I want to hear you say it. I need to hear it." He slides his hand around my throat and squeezes gently.

"I want you, Zorvan. I choose you. All of you. Do you want me?" I ask, needing the same validation.

"What the fuck do you think, Princess?" he growls, grinding his erection against my core as his mouth crashes against mine.

I wrap my legs around his waist, and run my fingers through his hair as he brands me with his mouth, with his body. His hand glides down my body, slips under my shirt, and teases my nipple, making me gasp into his mouth. He smiles at my response to his touch.

Even without completing the mate bond, I feel whole again. Having him here and touching me is filling that empty space he left when he tried to sever the bond. I'm so overwhelmed by it, that tears stream down my cheeks. A half-laugh, half-sob escapes me, and Zorvan pulls back.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks, starting to pull away.

I pull him back against me and shake my head. "No. I just missed you."

"You missed me taunting and bullying you?" he asks with a raised brow.

"A little," I say honestly. "Our back and forth teasing was fun. And usually you'd get so riled up that you couldn't help but put your hands on me." I laugh, thinking about the biscuit incident. "But when you tried to sever the bond, it created a void inside of me. It's not so scary and dark now. Now, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

"When I came back and you were acting all nice, it felt weird and wrong. You didn't even try very hard to kill Camus. You just threatened him. I thought you had given up."

"I had. I mean, I initially was being nice to try to win you over. But then, the more I saw how the others treated you, the less I thought that would work. I thought I had destroyed us.

"But now you're here, saying you want to try to make things work, talking about our future together—"

"Talking about babies," I smirk.

He growls and grinds himself against me again. "Stop that, or I will fuck you so hard you won't be able to dance at the ball."

A needy moan escapes me and I press myself up into him. "Don't threaten me with a good time."

"As much as I want to, I don't want to fuck you until I can mate you. The urge to mark you is so strong that I'm barely resisting it as is. If I were balls deep inside of you, I wouldn't be able to hold back."

"So mark me."

"I can't. It would ruin our plans to keep you safe."

"Does it have to be on the neck? Couldn't you just—"

"When I mark you, it will be somewhere everyone can see. Everyone will know that you belong to me. Everyone will know that you are my queen."