40. Chapter 38 Livarius

Chapter forty

Chapter 38: Livarius

A fter Arden kicks us out, Tavin and I go back to his room and get into bed. It's been a long day. I keep replaying the last couple of months in my head, trying to figure out how it all went wrong.

She's not wrong. We should have found her. I should have found her. But instead, she was under lock and key and forced to mate with my pompous half-brother.

"You okay?" Tavin asks, gently squeezing the back of my neck while I pull off my pants and socks.

"Not even a little. I mean I'm glad she's back, and relieved that she's physically okay. But she's changed. She's not the same person who we were in that tavern with all those weeks ago."

"No, but neither are we. We've all changed. In some good ways and some bad."

"I know but...her softness is gone, Tay. She's all sharp edges and rage."

"I would be too if I were her," Tavin says with a shrug. "I'm just as pissed as you are, though. I'm just going to choose to believe that it's because she doesn't know how fae politics work."

"My brother..." I say. But I can't finish the sentence. I've only met Camus twice in my life before today. Once was when I first told Falmir that I was his son, and once was when I had to attend some weird family event in Solardin about a year ago.

"I know. But he did save her," Tavin says.

"I know..."

That's my issue. My shitty half brother managed to do what I couldn't. And maybe that's just the way it was always supposed to be. Maybe that's why the Stars fated her to him. Maybe she was always going to be taken, and he was always going to be the one to save her.

Tavin and I strip down and climb under the covers. He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me.

"She'll come around. We don't know what she's been through, and she may never tell us. But she's home. And she still cares or else she wouldn't have come here. She would have found someplace else to go."

I nod, and the purr in his chest lulls me to sleep.

***

The next morning we wake and start our day as usual—except not. Most mornings while Arden was gone, I would wake Tavin from his slumber, seeking comfort in the one place I found it: his arms.

But not today.

I slide off the bed, get dressed, then check myself in the bathroom mirror. Arden isn't the only one who's changed since she left; since she was taken . Nevidian still has to pay for his hand in taking her from me. I just haven't figured out how I'm going to make him. I splash some water on my face and return to the bedroom.

"You ready for breakfast?"

When I reach for the bedroom door, Tavin says, "I think that's the first time since we first hooked up that I haven't woke up to your mouth around my cock."

I press my forehead to the door and sigh before spinning to face him. "I can't today…"

"I get it. I'm not mad. But I want you to know that this was more for me than just passing time until she came home."

"It was for me too. I'm sorry if you thought–"

"It crossed my mind. And not for the first time. I don't want things to be done for us just because she's home. If you need some time, I understand…"

I cross the room until I'm right up next to him. He stares up at me with his bright yellow green eyes, a question living in them, holding me hostage.

"We're not done just because she's home. I think the three of us just need time to work things out between us, and find a new normal. Knowing that she can feel when we're together, but also knowing that it's upsetting her…"

He nods and kisses me. "Let's go to breakfast then."

Breakfast is somber. Zorvan, Arden, and Camus are notably absent. Each of us eats slowly, but mostly we just push food around on our plates, sulking like scolded dogs. Tavin wraps his hand around my thigh and squeezes, and I return the gesture with a half-hearted smile. A short while later we're walking wordlessly through the foyer when the doors open, and Nevidian walks in.

"You two don't look happy…where's my niece?"

"Fuck off," Tavin growls, and heads for the stairs with me in tow.

"Woah! What the fuck did I do?" Nev snaps.

Tavin rounds on him and gets in his face. "You're the reason she was taken in the first place. You're the reason she came back battered, bruised, and starved." Tavin shoves Nev in the chest so hard that he stumbles. "You can fuck off to whatever dark hole you crawled out of because you're not fucking welcome here anymore."

Tavin punctuates his outburst by spitting on Nev's shoes. Nevidian has the sense to stay where his feet are planted. His face is decorated with pain and guilt, and his features go pale. Good , I think, though not long ago it was me who almost got her stolen away. And maybe that's why I hate him so much. He's a flagrant reminder of the second biggest mistake I ever made. He's a reminder to all of us–of how we failed to protect our mate.

"Let's go," I say, and wrap my hand around Tavin's bicep, leading him gently to the stairs.

We make it to the landing before Nevidian calls out, "Tell her I'm sorry."

"You can tell her yourself, you coward," I say over my shoulder, and we venture away from him.

Once we're in our corridor, I ask Tavin, "Do we go see her?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure I have it in me to get rejected again today."

"Me either, but I also can't stand being away from her."

Arden makes our decision for us by coming out of her room right before we arrive. Camus is with her, and she's laughing at something he said. Her eyes meet mine, and the smile falls.

"Where are you two off to?" Tavin asks.

"I was going to show Camus the grounds. They're not as big as the ones in Solardin, but I think they're prettier. I might just be biased though, since my grandfather cares for them," she says and squeezes Camus' hand.

"Have fun," I say softly and give her a half smile before hurrying past her. I force myself to keep my eyes forward—to not look back at them as they walk away.

My heart breaks into a million pieces every time I see them touch. She's the first person I've ever loved, and watching her love someone else when she can barely look at me...it shatters me.

Tavin catches up and squeezes my shoulder. "She'll come around. She has to."

"I've gotta get to the library," I grumble, and duck into his room.

Rushing to the bathroom, I slam the door, and lock it. I don't want him to witness the way I'm about to fall apart. I slide down to the floor and cradle my head in my hands as wracked sobs leave my body.

I wonder if she can feel my pain through the bond.

I wonder if she cares.

After a couple of minutes, there's a soft knock at the door. I expect it to be Tavin, but it's Arden's voice I hear.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?" I ask, wiping my tears and trying to sound normal.

"I just...Do you want to come to the gardens with Camus and me?"

Blowing out a long breath, I rest my head against the door, and stare up at the ceiling. I let out a humorless laugh. I don't want her to ask me to go because she pities me, but I'm also not going to turn down a chance to try to win her back.

"Just a minute," I call, and stand up.

I glance in the mirror. There's no way for me to make myself look less pitiful before I open the door. I settle for splashing some cold water on my face. I dry myself with a small towel and open the door.

"Hey, little brother," Camus says with a smirk. He's about to make another comment, but Arden cuts him off.

"Not now," she snaps at him, then turns to me. "What do you say? A walk in the gardens sound good to you?"

"I'm supposed to be at the library," I say. I want to go with her, but I don't want to have to watch her with Camus anymore.

"I'm sure Zorvan will let it slide," she says. "If he won't, I'll make him."

"What about Tavin?" I ask, my eyes flit to my other partner.

He shakes his head. "No, I'm okay. You should go and spend time with them. I'll be here when you're done in the library tonight."

"You can both come," Arden says incredulously.

"I just wasn't sure..." Tavin says.

"Stop being ridiculous. Let's go."

"Why don't we get the others?" Camus asks. Rather than mocking her, he sounds sincere.

"I think the four of us are enough for now. Plus Emyth is still recovering."

"He was at breakfast, actually. He seemed fine," Tavin says.

"Good. But he should keep resting," Arden says, and exits the room, not waiting for us as she begins her trek down the corridor.

Once Tavin gets his door locked, we catch up with Arden and Camus.

"Do you plan to go see Rupert?" Tavin asks.

"Probably. Why?"

"You should know that Nev is staying in his cottage with him. Zorvan didn't want him sleeping in the castle. He was too angry."

"Well, maybe I'll avoid him for now...unless we run into him."

The silence that falls between the four of us is awkward and uncomfortable. I want things to be easy between us like they were before she was gone.

"How was your first shift?" I ask out of desperation for her to talk to me like she used to.

"Done out of fear and necessity while running for my life," she deadpans before snapping at me and Tavin, "How was your first fuck?"

I stop in my tracks, and take a deep breath. "I'm just going to go to the library—give you a couple of days to process. Let me know when you're ready to talk."

I turn on my heel and walk away, back up the steps and toward the library; the place that used to be my sanctuary. That was until every corner of it was filled with memories of her.

"Liv," Tavin says, and reaches for me, but I brush him off.

"Livarius! Wait!" Arden calls after me.

But I don't want to be near her right now. If she keeps talking to me the way she has been, I'll lose it. I'll either cry or lash out at her, and that's not fair to either of us.

I jam the key into the lock of the library and pull open the door. Once I'm safely inside, I slam it shut and lock it behind me. I don't want to be around anyone right now. As far as anyone else is concerned, the library is closed.