Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

"Oh shit," I muttered as I glanced around wildly, hoping that my little army of powerful Immortals had shown up.

Nothing.

Nada.

No one.

Well, no one except me, Pandora, and the woman headed toward us in a golf cart. I was still wearing the badass black outfit. All my appendages were where they were supposed to be. The air in the dream state was breathable, and there were no weapons aimed at me. I considered that a win. I needed all the small victories I could get right now.

"What? What do you see?" Pandora asked, sounding perturbed and on edge.

I really didn't need her to freak out. I was so close to my own breakdown there was no time for both of us to lose our shit. Quickly taking in the surroundings, I tried to assess how much danger we were in.

What I saw was nuts. I seriously wished I hadn't mentioned the Wizard of Oz earlier. It appeared I dropped into the middle of Munchkin Land on steroids.

The trees were made of giant colorful lollipops—rooted into the ground with what appeared to be rainbow sprinkles. There was a quaint row of twelve houses that were made of gingerbread. Gumdrops framed the windows, and icing coated the roofs. Bushes filled with lemon drops and candy canes lined the walkways. The sun was bright pink, and the clouds were silver. It gave the entire area a sparkly and ethereal glow. And it wouldn't be complete without a brick road. However, the brick road I stood on wasn't yellow. It was green—neon green. Honestly, it looked like there was no danger at all, which most likely meant the opposite.

"It's weird." I went on to explain to Pandora what I was looking at right down to the gingerbread houses and the color of the bricks.

"Of course, it's weird," she snapped. "You're weird."

Punching her would mean punching myself. I was tempted, but decided against it.

"It looks kind of like a warped version of the Wizard of Oz set."

"Are there munchkins?" she demanded with a squeal. "I love munchkins."

The golf cart was drawing closer. I hoped the woman driving it wasn't here to kill me. From where I stood, the gal in the cart wasn't Glenda the Good Witch or the Wicked Witch of the West. That was a relief. It looked like she had red hair and could barely see above the steering wheel.

"I ASKED if there were any fucking munchkins," Pandora hissed.

I punched myself in the stomach. It was a knee-jerk reaction.

"OUCH," Pandora shouted.

I smiled. While I hadn't enjoyed socking myself, it was lovely to know she felt it.

"I don't see…" I swallowed the rest of my sentence as a pop of green minty-scented mist made me jump.

And wouldn't you know… Pandora's beloved munchkins appeared. Not the cute ones from the movie, though. Nope. These munchkins were tiny—about eighteen inches tall—with razor sharp teeth and were staring at me like I was trespassing and they were starving. Not good. They wore brightly colored track suits and trucker hats. The kicker was their faces. The resemblance to Brad Pitt, Warren Beatty, Dolly Parton, Clark Gable and Jennifer Aniston was uncanny. There were about forty of them. The majority were Brads. The Dollys were a close second.

It was clear that I'd internalized Pandora's description of true beauty before our arrival. When I got her out of me, and I would, I was going to knock her out. This was creepy. Keeping Heather's advice in mind, I refrained from going back to any of the dark stuff.

"There are munchkins," I told her. She shrieked with joy. "Zip it. They have fucking fangs. Also, there's some lady driving toward us in a golf cart."

"Are you still stoned?" she questioned.

"Possibly," I replied. "However, pot doesn't make me hallucinate. It makes me hungry."

"Eat one of the houses," Pandora suggested.

It wasn't a bad plan. I hadn't eaten anything before we'd left. Tim's casserole had looked and smelled disgusting. However, I was pretty sure the munchkins wouldn't be thrilled if I ate their homes. If they became my enemy and I had to kill them over and over, I'd feel terrible. Aside from the fangs, they were cute. The tiny trucker hats were hilarious.

"No can do," I told my travelling companion. "I don't think Brad Pitt and Dolly Parton would like that."

"What are you talking about?" she demanded.

"Forget it," I replied quickly. "Incoming golf cart. Keep your mouth shut in case she can hear you."

"If you insist."

"I insist."

The golf cart sped down the green brick road at about twenty miles an hour. The woman drove erratically, taking out lollipop trees and lemon drop bushes. The munchkins ducked behind a brown rock wall that I was sure was made of chocolate. My stomach rumbled.

"You really should eat the house," Pandora repeated.

"You really should shut your cake-hole."

The fanged munchkins taking cover didn't bode well for the driver of the golf cart being friendly. Fine. Whatever. This was my dream state. If I had to take on a shitty and possibly drunk driver, I would. I'd already taken on Demons six times her size.

Standing my ground with my chin held high, I waited to see what was going to happen. The woman wasn't familiar to me in any way. If she was someone from my experience or my memory, I couldn't place her.

"What are youse doin' here?" she shouted as she crashed the cart into a gingerbread house.

The house came down in big delicious chunks. The little gal hopped out of the golf cart, ignoring that she'd just demolished the structure. The munchkins chattered furiously from behind their chocolate barrier but didn't make a move in my direction. Note to self: Don't eat their houses.

The woman stood about four-foot-nothing and had a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and another one in her hand. Her red hair was definitely from a bottle, and it was fried and brittle. I ached to magically whip up a bottle of conditioner and hand it to her but didn't dare. Her voice was gravelly and damaged from smoking. Little Red also sounded like she hailed from New Jersey. She had a wise guy vibe going on.

"Youse hear me?" she grumbled as she marched over. "Dis ain't no place for wimpy assed pussies."

Pandora laughed. Loud. Red gaped at me.

"Youse think dats funny?" Her little body quivered with rage.

"NO!" I slapped myself in the face, then with the heel of my left combat boot I crunched the toe of my right. It hurt like hell, but Pandora's shriek of pain was music to my ears. I pretended to scream when she did so Red wouldn't get more suspicious than she already was.

"Umm… no. Absolutely not. Not funny. I laugh sometimes when I get nervous," I explained. "You know, when you're at a funeral and umm… Well, more like when Mary Tyler More was at Chuckles the Clown's funeral and …" I stopped speaking. Red was staring at me like I was missing most of my brain cells. She might not be wrong.

"Youse musta got dropped on your head a lot as a baby," she surmised.

I just nodded.

"Anyhoos, I'm Phyllis. I like NASCAR, puppies, kitties and smokin'. Youse?"

"I'm Cecily. I like food and umm… my friends. Puppies and kitties are nice even though I don't own one. I don't smoke, but I occasionally indulge in the gummy version of the Devil's Lettuce."

"Oh my God," Pandora muttered under her breath.

Thankfully, Phyllis didn't hear her. I wasn't up for maiming myself again. My foot was still throbbing.

"Youse sound like a decent sort," Phyllis announced. She glanced around. "Did dem little bastards try to bite youse?"

"No."

She raised a penciled-in, dyed red brow and lit a third cigarette. "Dat's good. Means dat dey accept youse as they're new leader."

"What?" I asked a little too loudly.

Phyllis chuckled then coughed spastically. It sounded like she swallowed gravel and then hacked it up. "Dems the brakes when youse come to Snoz uninvited."

I eyed her warily. Was she messing with me? Was I messing with myself? Was Snoz a farked up version of Oz? This was my stupid dream state. However, I didn't feel in control of it at all.

I was working with a limited amount of time. If Phyllis was on the Higher Power's plane, then there was a good chance that she knew the Higher Power. Getting right to the point was imperative.

"I'm here to see the Higher Power," I stated.

Phyllis' eyes bulged, and she almost inhaled her cigarette. The fanged munchkins screamed like they were on fire. The sound was so shrill, I was sure I lost a percentage of my hearing.

"Are youse CRAZY?" she demanded.

"Apparently," I replied. If she was here, she was here for a reason. She couldn't kill me even if she tried. Actually, I think she could but I wouldn't stay dead. I'd stood up to the Immortal Enforcer and lived to tell. I could certainly stand up to a smack-talking, crunchy-haired crappy driver. "I'd like your assistance."

Again, her eyes bulged, but this time she actually swallowed the lit cigarette. Without a second thought, I walked over and slapped her on the back. She went flying, but the butt came out of her mouth… still lit. Of course, the munchkins shrieked again. They were seriously annoying.

"Thank youse!" Phyllis said, getting to her feet and offering me her tiny hand.

"Welcome." I shook her hand. For such a little thing, she had one hell of a grip.

"Youse are in luck," she announced, walking back over to her golf cart and getting in.

I wasn't sure if the vehicle would work, considering she'd pretty much totaled it when she'd mowed down the cookie house. Amazingly, it did.

"I'll pop in when youse least expect it, Cecily who likes jazz cabbage," she announced… or, more possibly, warned. "Dem little screamin' shits will get youse on the right track. Youse are gonna have a journey filled with obstacles. If youse fail one, youse is gonna have to start over at the beginnin'. Youse understand?"

"Kind of," I replied, hoping Phyllis wasn't as cryptic as the Immortals in my life. "Could you be a little more specific with the obstacle part?"

"Nope!" Phyllis cackled like a loon. She backed up the golf cart, running over a candy-cane bush and took off. Over her tiny shoulder she called out, "Good luck, Cecily! Youse is gonna need it!"

I watched her ride off into the pink sunset while mowing down six lollipop trees. Phyllis was a menace on the road. After a long beat of silence, Pandora got back in the game. "Well, that was certainly fucked up."

"Word," I replied in agreement.

"What are you going to do?" she demanded.

I groaned. "I'm gonna talk to the munchkins and hopefully not get bitten."

"DO NOT get bitten, imbecile," she snapped. "For some unexplainable reason, I can feel your pain here."

"One, I don't want to get bitten any more than you do, you soggy moldy baby carrot. Two, if you want to get out of here, it would be nice if you wouldn't be a flaming jackhole of ass."

She sighed dramatically. It actually made me smile. "Your language is appalling."

"Pot. Kettle. Black," I shot back.

"Fine. I will aid you when I can."

"Thank you."

"I'd say you're welcome, but all this compatibility is giving me hives," she growled.

I rolled my eyes. A small part of me was beginning to like her just a little bit. It was difficult to comprehend, but it was true. Pandora was a horrid woman. She'd tried to kill me multiple times. She'd kidnapped and harmed Abaddon. She'd succeeded at killing my mother. Granted, Lilith was still alive as a human, but by Pandora ending her immortality, I had to take over as one of the two Goddesses of the Darkness. By all rights, I should despise the Demon until the end of time. Being logical wasn't working. Dissecting my feelings would take time I didn't have. Going with my gut was the way to keep moving forward. Getting along with the Demon stuck inside me would make this scary trip a lot easier.

I was sure we'd get back to hating each other sooner or later… but who knew what the future held?

Sadly, it was time to chat with some fanged munchkins.

Good luck to me.