Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

They were all speaking at once. Their voices were as high-pitched as their screams. The only good thing going was that they offered me a chunk of the broken gingerbread house along with a glass of milk. At this point, I didn't give a crap if it was made of poisoned cookies. Hell, I might've eaten Tim's nasty casserole if it had been available. I was starving. If I died from ingesting the edible house, I'd come back to life and kick their asses.

"Slow down," I shouted with a mouthful of the front door. "One at a time."

They listened to the directions. However, when one Brad spoke all the Brads spoke. Same went for the Warrens, the Dollys, the Clarks and the Jennifers. Sadly, the Brads enjoyed talking, and there were a lot of them.

"Follow the neon green bricks!" the Brads shrieked.

"To where?" I was taking no chances here. Solid info was what I was after. I'd learned the hard way that assuming anything made a giant ass out of me.

"The capital of Snoz," the Dollys squealed.

"What's in the capital of Snoz?" I pressed, wondering if I was about to embark on a dangerous version of the Wizard of Oz . Hopefully, Pandora had seen the movie. My fingers were crossed. It had been decades since I'd watched it.

"I DON'T KNOW!" the Brads shouted.

Being more specific might help. "Is the Higher Power in the capital of Snoz?"

All of them were confused. Was I even on the Higher Power's plane? Had I screwed up? Pressing the bridge of my nose while I chewed and swallowed part of the window sill, I tried to formulate a plan. This was not going well.

"You're asking the wrong questions," Pandora said, sounding bored.

"You have the right ones?"

The munchkins looked at me like I was a nutjob who talked to herself. I didn't care. Although, it did seem odd that Phyllis could hear Pandora when the fanged freaks couldn't. Making sense out of the senseless was not going to happen.

"But of course," Pandora purred. "I'm a Goddess."

"And a dick," I muttered.

"I heard that," she snapped.

"You were supposed to," I snapped back.

The fanged shriekers backed away. They thought I was crazy. They weren't wrong.

"Firstly, tell them if they don't come clean with what they know, you will disembowel them and shove their entrails down their throats while laughing hysterically," Pandora announced grandly. "I always find starting out with the worst-case scenario to be helpful. Letting them believe you're psychotic is also a plus."

I pressed my lips together and shook my head. "That didn't work out well for you, Pandora."

"I wouldn't say that," she ground out, totally insulted. "I've ruled with an iron fist for millions of years. I'm revered by my people, bitch."

That wasn't true.

"Right," I said flatly. "If you're going to call me a bitch, I'd prefer you use my full title—Bitch Goddess Cecily. Also, with those methods, do you have any friends? Do you even have one friend?"

She was stunned to silence. It had to be lonely being Pandora. Not my problem. It was hers. My problem was finding the Higher Power and getting my unwanted guest out of me.

"What are the right questions?" I asked. "And PS, I'm not going to fry them or rip their innards out unless they come at me."

"You're not going to go far as a Demon Goddess with that attitude."

"Trust me, I've accomplished more in a few weeks than you have in billions of years," I informed her. "Even your own people have deserted you."

"Eternity is a long time," she hissed. "They will come back to me."

"Whatever you say. If you have the right questions, lay them out. If not, keep your trap shut," I told her. "We don't have the time to debate your friendless pitiful life. Quite honestly, I'd rather disembowel you and shove your entrails down your throat."

"There's the fighting spirit! Much more befitting of a Goddess of the Darkness!"

She was batshit. I'd just threatened her with bodily harm and she was delighted. I didn't understand Pandora yesterday. I didn't understand her today. I highly doubted I'd ever understand her.

"Questions?" I insisted.

"One—ask them if they plan to kill you. It's good to know what you're up against. From what I can hear, they don't seem too bright. That's to our advantage. Two—ask them which direction to go. Inform the munchkins if they mislead you, you will eat them. Three—find out if they're going to follow us. If they plan on coming along, I'd suggest muzzling them. They're loud and annoying as fuck. They could also expose us to the enemy. Four—discern if they can fight, especially if they plan to join us. If they can, great. If not, play a game of Hide and Seek. When they're hiding, make your getaway. Five—make sure we're on the correct fucking plane. My guess is that we are, but you're an idiot, so make certain. Six—if you brought your cell phone, take a selfie with the munchkins. I'm dying to see what they look like."

Strangely enough, I did have my cell phone. I had no clue if it would work on this plane, but it would be interesting to document the debacle. Pandora's questions were excellent. The extras were absurd. I wasn't going to eat them or muzzle them. Going anywhere near their fangs was a hard no. Hide and Seek was brilliant. I would take the Demon's advice, but I would do it my way.

"Okay, people," I shouted over the chattering. "I've neglected my manners. My name is Bitch Goddess Cecily."

The cheering was loud… and piercing. They chanted my name for a good five minutes before they wore themselves out.

"Alrighty then. I've come to your plane to seek guidance from the Higher Power. Quick question, does the Higher Power live here?"

"If you're talking about Shaun Cassidy, then yes!" the Brads shouted.

"Mmmkay," I said, unsure how to proceed. "Shaun Cassidy… like Shaun Cassidy the pop star?"

"YES!" the Dollys yelled.

My ears were going to bleed soon. "Great. How about we use our indoor voices?"

"How about you electrocute them?" Pandora chimed in.

I ignored her and hoped for the best. Following my gut had worked in the past. My gut said we were in the right place. It was my dream state. My desire was to go to the Higher Power's plane. Therefore, I was on the Higher Power's plane. Although, you'd be able to knock me over with a feather if Shaun Cassidy turned out to be the Higher Power. "Moving on. I need to know if you plan on killing me."

"Oh, no! You're our new leader!" the Clarks burst out. Apparently, they didn't understand the concept of indoor voice. "Frankly, my dear, we will honor you and make passionate love to you every day!"

"Jesus," Pandora muttered with a laugh. "You're screwed, Bitch Goddess Cecily. Literally."

"Shut up," I hissed under my breath. The physics of making anything with the munchkins was mind-boggling and gross. I turned my attention back to the Clarks. "That will not be necessary. In fact, if you try, I'll be forced to castrate you. We clear on that?"

"What does that mean?" the Brads asked, confused.

Pandora had hit the nail on the head when she'd said they weren't too bright.

I gave them a scathing stare. "It means I'll lop your dingdongs off."

"First rule of dingdong lopping is we don't talk about dingdong lopping," one of the Brads hollered. The other Brads snickered.

"NO MAKING LOVE," the Clarks shrieked, obviously taking my threat seriously.

"Glad we agree," I said. "Next. Which way do I go on the green brick road? Left or right."

"Left!" the Jennifers squealed. Everyone else nodded.

"Thank you." Phyllis had gone to the right. Maybe she wouldn't be popping in, after all. "Are you good at fighting?"

The Jennifer's flipped their marvelous hair, and cried, "We're spit-on-your-pants-kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic at fighting!"

"We're brass, sass, and full of whoop-ass," the Dolly's added.

All of them grinned so wide, I saw more fang than I'd ever wanted to see. As to their fighting skills… they gave me a demonstration. It was brutal, bloody, every kind of wrong and fast. I'd participated in a number of battles since becoming a Demon. This one came close to making me puke in my mouth. Not one single Clark had any legs left. Most of the Dollys were now bald, breastless and severely bruised. The Jennifers fared decently, but were blood soaked. The Warrens, who hadn't had much to say at all, were missing arms and several heads were dangling. The Brads, every single one of them, had their eyes gouged out. A selfie was out of the question.

"Holy hell," I choked out. "That was… like nothing I've ever seen before and ahh… something I hope to never see again."

The munchkins giggled and high-fived each other. The Brads, being blind, had a difficult time smacking palms but gave it their best shot. Time was wasting. I needed to get to the obstacles, whatever they might be.

"One more question before I have to skedaddle," I said, picking up a leg and handing it to a Clark. "Do you guys and gals plan on coming with me?"

The screams of terror were unsettling. If they giggled after the massacre they'd just taken part in, that boded horribly for the rest of the journey.

"Nooooooo," the Dollys screeched. "Never step off the green brick road. NEVER!"

"Why?" I demanded. Their fear was contagious and I was leaning into it. "Why can I never step off of the green brick road?"

The exchanged glances. Well, not the Brads, but everyone else. They appeared confused and perplexed.

"We don't know," the Warrens admitted.

"It's your dream state, ignoramus," Pandora reminded me. "If you don't know the answer, how are they supposed to know it?"

She'd made a point. I didn't like it, but I acknowledged it. Walking over to the remnants of the gingerbread house, I pocketed a couple of chunks. It was delicious and not poisonous.

Fine. If it was my dream, I'd leave the fanged munchkins with something positive and kind.

"You all will be fine. No more fighting unless you're attacked," I told them. They hung on my every word. "It would be lovely if you found some non-violent hobbies and lived a very happy life."

"I'm taking your Demon card when I get out of you," Pandora grumbled.

Ignoring her was getting easier. "Did you guys and gals make your houses?"

"Yes!" the Dollys confirmed.

"They're delicious," I told them, much to their delight. "Maybe, you all could open a bakery or a dessert catering business. You're very talented."

"Or a brothel," the Clarks suggested.

"No uterus, no opinion!" the Jennifers shouted at the old school munchkins.

I winced, ignoring the Clarks' sexist-pig suggestion. "Anyway, thank you for your hospitality and the directions. I will always remember you."

The blind Brads raised their hands. I nodded at them twice before I realized they couldn't see me. "Yes?"

"Can we come to your house sometime?" they inquired.

Pandora roared with laughter. I didn't like that one bit. She clearly looked down on the fanged freaks.

And then I made my first of many mistakes. "Of course." The minute the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them, but the munchkins looked so pleased I couldn't take them back. Plus, this was a dream. They didn't really exist… I hoped. "In a few millenniums," I added quickly.

"Fast of your feet, for a moron," Pandora commented with a chuckle.

I stepped on my own foot again. She deserved it. Her screech made me smile.

"It was lovely meeting you," I told the group.

I realized as I began walking down the green brick road, I hadn't lied. It was lovely meeting the trucker hat wearing munchkins. They hadn't tried to off me and they made a mean cookie house. Win-win so far.

Unfortunately, I feared we had a long way to go.

The neon green brick road to the capital of Snoz wasn't what I expected.

Yes, there was a scarecrow that looked alarmingly like Tim, but he wasn't alive. There was a tinman who resembled Charlie. Again, not alive. I checked. As I walked deeper into the forest of lollipop trees, I came across a lion. The lion looked like Fifi—grenades and all. I wished with all my heart she was my real Succubus bodyguard, but she was simply a stone statue like the others.

"Any end in sight?" Pandora asked.

"No," I replied, getting worried. Deciding that stress eating would be helpful, I chowed down on the remnants of the cookie house.

"Those munchkins really can bake," Pandora commented as I swallowed.

I stopped in my tracks. "Can you taste the cookie?"

"I can," she replied, sounding as mystified as I was. "I could also smell Phyllis. The woman stank like an ashtray."

Why was I shocked? Searching for logic was a fool's game. Nothing made sense. The fact that Pandora had hitched a ride inside me was the stuff of weird science fiction movies. However, this was my life. In a ridiculous way, it made perfect sense that she could taste, feel and hear what I could.

"Can you see out of my eyes?" I questioned.

"I cannot," she told me. "I suppose I could try, but it might take a magical chant or spell to make that work."

"Interesting," I said, resuming my walk down the green brick road. "Does magic work here?"

"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?" she snapped.

I raised a brow as a small grin pulled at my lips. If Pandora wanted to play the insult game, she was about to lose. My brother and I had that pastime covered. "I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed," I told her. "But you're the equivalent of a human participation award."

"Rude," Pandora purred with joy. The excitement in her voice couldn't be missed. "I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but it's so very clear that you're sorely unarmed."

"And you have obviously not been burdened by an overabundance of education," I shot back gleefully.

Pandora snorted. "Actually, you're so idiotic, you put lipstick on your forehead to make up your mind."

"Nice one."

"I thought so."

"However," I began. "You're missing so many brain cells that you put your cell phone up your ass and thought it was a booty call."

"I see we're going lowbrow," she commented dryly.

"The lower the better," I replied.

Pandora chuckled. "Fine. The only culture you possess is bacteria."

I tucked that one away to remember for later. "You look like a visible fart."

"Disgusting," she hissed.

"Thank you."

I was sure I felt her roll her eyes. I kept walking. The game was more calming than pinching my weenus.

"You, Bitch Goddess Cecily, are about as useful as a knitted condom."

Another one I would keep in my insult library. Sean would love it. "Possibly," I agreed. "But rumor has it that the zombie who was desperately looking for brains walked right past you."

"You're really not pretty enough to be so stupid," Pandora informed me.

I laughed. "I envy all the people who haven't met you."

"You're rather good at this," she acknowledged.

I was silent for a long beat. A compliment was a compliment even if it was from my enemy. It felt nice. And I was not one to hold back on returning a flattering remark when due. Life was too short. Well, maybe not anymore since I was immortal…

"As are you, Pandora."

"I'd still very much enjoy killing you," she admitted.

"Same," I assured her. Neither one of us was permitted to end each other so it was safe to reveal how we really felt. That hadn't stopped her from ending my mother, but she'd been aiming for me.

The insane woman sighed with content. "I'm quite please we're on the same page."

Shockingly, I agreed. Glancing around, I continued my walk through the lollipop forest. Everything looked the same. Until it didn't.

Stopping so fast I almost stumbled, I crouched low. The green brick road disappeared from beneath me and was replaced with pristine white sand. The lollipop trees and the lemon drop bushes vanished. The pink sun was now bright red and the clouds were puffy and gold. Palm trees filled with monstrous, prehistoric-looking birds sporting horns and fangs swayed in an ominous wind. If we were following the Wizard of Oz plot, this wasn't the capital of Snoz. It was more like the vacation lair of the Wicked Witch.

"What?" Pandora demanded. "Do you see the capital of Snoz?"

"If the capital of Snoz is a tropical island with flaming assholes, then yes," I whispered.

Pandora swore. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sadly, neither do I," I muttered, getting down on all fours. "But I'm about to crawl in and find out."

"We are going to die," Pandora shouted.

I really hoped she was wrong.