Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"One minute until you DIE! Heff Brobst bellowed gleefully through a bullhorn while seated in the bleachers. Phyllis was next to him. She had three cigarettes going and looked strangely relaxed. The talking ashtray was still batshit and then some.

The game and the dialogue were almost an exact replica of the one earlier. The similarities made me feel unsettled and panicky. If it started the same, would it end the same?

"Relax your crack," Pandora snapped. "I'm feeling your tension, and I don't like it. I'm tense enough already, jackass."

"Not helping," I said as the tribal music blasted through the speakers and the vibrations pounded through my body. "I need your support, not your Grade-A bitchiness."

"Cut me some slack," Pandora complained. "I'm in uncharted territory. Being pleasant and working in tandem with someone is hard. I'm trying, imbecile."

Yet again, the certifiable Demon Goddess who had taken up residence inside me made me laugh. It was uncanny and definitely welcome. Plus, she was trying… and she was succeeding most of the time.

"Slack cut," I told her. "Stay with me. I'll narrate again."

"Idea," she said.

"Spit it out."

Heff held the bazooka high in the air. We were seconds away from the cue to start.

"In the mud box, try crawling on all fours instead of belly crawling. It might save some time, and I won't have to taste that foul dreck you imbibed during the practice run."

"Practice run?" I questioned.

"Sounds better than failed attempt."

She had me there. "You're smart."

"I know," she replied.

"Hey, youse," Phyllis yelled from the stands.

"What?" I called back.

"Youse ain't gonna win." She and Heff laughed hysterically. My suspicions were confirmed. The show was rigged in the producers' favor. Screw those assholes. I was about to do a major rewrite of their script and change the narrative.

"I stand by my recommendation of beheading the fuckers," Pandora said.

"I'm feeling that vibe," I replied. "Let's win this sucker first."

"Big. Balls." Her voice was filled with pride. "Be the badass that you are, Cecily."

The bazooka went off and only six muzzled vultures died this time. I took that as a good omen.

"MOVE YOUR ASS," Pandora shouted. "Since they're cheating, we'll out-cheat them. Trust me on this. I'm a fabulous cheater. Lots of practice!"

I went for it. "We're at the mud box," I told her. As before, the landmines weren't so hidden, and I was able to avoid them. Going on all fours instead of on my stomach was the best move ever. The net over me made it still made it slow going. The mud was the same—tarry black, warm and gooey. It still smelled like the culinary disaster that Tim had prepared for lunch. However, this time, none of it was a surprise.

"Son of a bitch," I choked out as I got some of the rank sludge in my mouth. I stupidly tried to wipe it away with mud-covered hands. Piss-poor move. My face was now covered in the nasty shit. Again. "Sorry."

"For the love of everything disgusting," Pandora griped. "One thing. I only asked for one thing, and you just had to eat another mud pie."

"Dude," I snapped, trying to spit the dreck out. "If you keep bitching, I'm going to eat some on purpose."

"You wouldn't," she gasped out.

"Try me."

The suction noise was still repulsive, but the panic and fear I'd felt on the practice run were gone. I knew I could get through it. Being on all fours made it feel like nothing compared to earlier. Although the mud was yet again getting thicker and more cement-like with every inch forward I moved.

"Done," I ground out. I got myself out of the box at much greater speed this time. I was the badass. Now, I just needed to keep being the badass.

"Keep going," Pandora urged. "Stay alert."

"Hot rocks. About ten feet ahead," I narrated. "Ground definitely full of landmines. I'm going to take a different path than before."

"Slowly," Pandora commanded. "We bought time in the mud box. We have my appendages on standby."

"Should I fly over the mines?"

She paused only a second. "No. Keep that for the bridge. If they know what we can do, they'll try to thwart us."

"Good thinking." Slowly and with the same painstaking attention to the ground ahead as before, I made my way.

It wasn't a surprise when Heff got back in on the action. The game seemed to be on a loop. His line was expected.

"Hey, Butch Goddess Messily," Heff yelled from his comfortable and landmine-free seat in the bleachers. "Remember, there's a time limit on getting through the obstacle course. Fifteen minutes."

"Hard to forget, Fuckface McShitty-Dancer," I retorted.

I gifted myself with a quick glance at him. His expression was horrified.

"I'm a great dancer," he shrieked through the bullhorn.

"Nope. Your dancing is so bad, you broke the stairway to heaven."

"Your balls just got bigger!" Pandora squealed with joy. "That was a slick burn."

I turned my attention back to the game. As much as I'd like to continue ripping Heff a new butthole, it wasn't worth it. Pandora's life and mine were worth far more than winning a game of words with an asshole.

"I don't see any mines," I shared with my teammate.

"Doesn't mean they're not there. What the eye misses is a lot."

Unfortunately, her words were prophetic.

The sound of the explosion sucked. The shock and the pain as I stepped on the mine this time were worse than before.

As my body went flying toward the rocks, I felt my leg being ripped from my body. It seemed no matter which path I took the results would be the same as the first run. Not. A. Problem. I had an ace—or rather an extra leg—in the hole. The grenade, as before, had no mind, no pity and zero care that it had just torn part of me away. My scream of agony was loud, but there was a smile on my lips. Landing with a loud thump on the ground in front of the hot rocks, I gulped in oxygen and tried to stay calm.

"Leg's gone," I reported.

"Still alive?" Pandora asked.

"Still alive," I confirmed.

Her laugh was positively unhinged. "Call for my leg. NOW!"

Without a second thought, I did it. "Leg, come to me. I need you."

A tingle that didn't hurt but was very bizarre shot through my body. The leg appeared with a short, sharp jolt of electricity. I gaped at it in wonder.

"Did it work?" Pandora screamed.

"It did," I shared, unsure whether to laugh or cry. I did neither. We still had a ways to go.

"My legs are fabulous. How does it feel?" she demanded.

I tried it out. It was a little longer than my own leg since Pandora was taller, but I could make it work. What amazed me was that it was clad in my black cargo pants and sporting a matching black combat boot to the one I wore. "It's perfect."

"Of course, it is. It's mine."

"We're going for the hot stones now," I told her.

"I still recommend keeping your arms out to the sides for balance," Pandora instructed. "And I think you should hop again. Get off each stone as quickly as possible."

"Agreed," I said. "Here we go."

The heat was intense. Pandora, again, had been correct about hopping being the best way to get through this particular obstacle. Having two legs made it much easier. Once again, I decided to go in a straight line. Hopping from side to side would waste time we didn't have.

The minute my combat-clad feet hit the stones, they hissed and smoked. The blueish tendrils twisted upward toward the golden clouds and red sun. I didn't care to look this time. My focus was on getting out of the fiery mess.

"Are you melting?" Pandora asked.

"Nope, but the boots are," I said, hopping like a bunny on roids. "Besides, I can't melt. I'm Bitch Goddess Cecily, not the Wicked Witch of the West."

"You're stealing my lines," she pointed out.

"I'm sharing them."

"Whatever," she shot back with a chuckle. "You can write me a check later."

"Off the rocks," I said. This time I didn't have to wait for her to tell me to use a little magic to douse my smoldering feet. I did it fast and moved to the next fucked up obstacle. My heart began to pound, and sweat dripped down my muddy neck. I was aware I could lose an arm in this section if the game played out like it had the last go around. But this time, I was determined to get a different outcome. I had an extra arm up my sleeve… so to speak. I giggled at my thought.

"What's funny?" Pandora asked.

"I'll tell you later." I didn't have time to explain the weird pun. "Entering the maze."

"You know you're about to lose an arm."

"Yep. I'm ready for it."

"Well, shit," she muttered. "Keep this up, and before you know it, your balls will be as big as mine."

"Bigger," I countered.

Pandora cackled with delight. "Okay, big balls, let's get this shit done."

The shit , as she put it, was the spiked maze. I rubbed my arm, remembering how horribly painful it had been to get stabbed and mutilated the first time. Luckily, the maze appeared identical in length and structure as it had been before. That was a relief. It still consisted of a fence on two sides that zigzagged for about ten feet. There was two feet of space between the walls. I didn't see any of the spikes, but I knew they were there. As soon as I got into the maze, the blades began thrusting out and in from the fence walls like they had before. There was no rhythm, no rhyme, nor reason, and no pattern to memorize. The deadly jabs were maddeningly random, and they were coming at me both high and low.

Trying to replicate my moves from the first run-through so I didn't lose more than just an arm, I was prepared as we reached the spot where I'd been stabbed. "We're almost at the arm shredder."

"Grit your teeth and go for it. No fucking pain, no fucking gain," she stated.

"I could seriously do without some of the pain."

The searing pain as the spike embedded itself in my arm was as awful as before. This time, I didn't try to remove it. There was no removing it. I'd wasted time trying the last go around. I wouldn't do that again.

"Do you need me to shout at you to make it easier?" Pandora asked, sounding slightly out of control.

I didn't even have to think about it. "Absolutely. Do it."

"My pleasure," she assured me. "Do it, you shitass! Rip your fucking arm off. DO NOT be a wimpy-assed pussy. Do not think about it. Do not pass go. Do not pick up the measly two hundred dollars. Just detach your damned arm. NOW!"

What struck me the most was that Pandora played Monopoly. I was sure she cheated. The thought made me grin. I was about to rip my own arm off and my mind was occupied with wondering if Pandora hid Monopoly money under the board when no one was looking. Win-win for the self- professed cheater.

"Arm dismemberment on track," I announced.

As before, I let my brain go primitive. My desire to save us outweighed the horror of leaving a literal piece of me behind. When I got to the Higher Power, I was going to remove Its arms… if It had arms. Imagining myself ripping Shaun Cassidy's appendages off with my bare hands, I lurched forward. The sound of my arm being ripped from my body was just as gross as it had been the first time. The Shitty Whore definitely gasped. As the tendons and arteries tore, it felt like a searing hot knife took a swim through every vein in my body. The skin was the least painful. It tore like paper.

I never wanted to do that again. Ever.

Feeling light-headed and very much insane, I spared a moment to look at my arm. It hung limply on the wall, held up by the spike just like before. It looked sad and lonely. I liked that arm, but luckily, I didn't need that arm. "Arm, come to me. I need you."

Pandora's arm came much faster than her leg. Possibly because it was smaller. I tested out the fingers and smiled wide when they worked. Pandora's hand had a full-on manicure with long red nails. I, on the other hand, kept my nails short and unpolished. It looked odd, but I didn't care.

"Fuck you, Phyllis. Fuck you, Heff Brobst. But mostly, fuck you, Shaun Cassidy," I shouted as I made my way out of the maze. Last time, I'd been down to one arm and one leg short of a full body. This time, I was Frankensteining it. I was the proud owner of a mish-mash of body parts. I was part Pandora and part me, and I loved it, no matter how off it looked. We were making this course our bitch, and we were going to win.

"You have my arm?" she asked.

"I have your arm," I confirmed. "Nice manicure."

"Thank you," she replied.

Her manners were improving. "Welcome. Ready for the sea monsters?"

"The question is, are they ready for us?"

"How about we find out?"

"Lets!"

Getting to the button was easy. The bridge dropped. It was a good three feet or so above the murky water below. This could be a piece of cake or not.

I was leaving ‘or not' in the past. This time I was going to get my freaking cake.

"Bridge is down. It's still forty feet long. So far, I don't see any hungry sea monsters."

"You know they're in there," she reminded me.

"Yep," I said, walking back from the edge of the bridge. "I can fly long distances?"

"Spot where you want to land," she instructed. "As long as you can see the endpoint, you can get there."

"Do you think the bastards in the bleachers will freak?"

"Absolutely," she replied with a growl. "However, if Heff the Loser didn't lie, the box with the final puzzle and its combination is at the end of the bridge. All we have to do is get the box open, solve the puzzle, and the directions to the Higher Power are ours!"

"Don't forget the box might be explosive," I cautioned my enthusiastic partner.

"Not a problem," she assured me. "If it starts to blow, just say ‘extinguish.' It will snuff out the explosion."

"Is that your magic?" I asked, amazed.

"There is so much you don't know, idiot," she groused. "Yes, that's my magic, but you have to power to do it as well."

"Got it. Thank you." That was a relief. "I really appreciate?—"

"No time for mushy shit," she snapped. "Fly over the fucking bridge. We have places to be and things to kill… I mean, do."

"Sure, you did," I said with a laugh.

"Whatever," she hissed. "Just do it."

"Roger that."

Realizing I wasn't scared anymore was empowering. I was about to take a leap of faith. I trusted my worst enemy, and she trusted me. We might not be bosom buddies in the future, but I hoped we would be better to each other than we had been prior to this messed-up adventure. I pushed the thoughts away. We still had a long way to go.

I spotted the box sitting atop a pedestal a few feet past the far end of the bridge. That was my goal. I could do it. I had to do it.

With a long stride, I took the three steps and launched myself at the bridge. My shriek of delight as I zipped over it was only marred by the shocked and furious shouts from the talking ashtray and the dancing doofus. We were winning, and they didn't like it.

"Youse are a cheater," Phyllis yelled through the bullhorn.

"Takes one to know one," I shouted back as I landed ungracefully at the pedestal holding the box.

"Drop a protection bubble around us," Pandora demanded. "Keep them away until we have the directions."

"Do I need to do a spell?" I asked frantically.

"Hell no," she snapped. "We don't have time for that. Just ask for a fucking protection bubble."

"On it," I said. "I need a protection bubble… umm… please." It instantly appeared as commanded. "Holy crap! It worked."

"Of course, it worked. You're a Goddess."

The combination was 666. I shook my head at the absurd implication. Thankfully, the box didn't explode. It opened right up, and a piece of paper floated out and landed in my hands.

"Riddles," I said, feeling panicky. I wasn't great at riddles. I was good a puzzles—the kind with pieces. "Shit. Shit. Shit."

"Read them," Pandora said in a tense tone. "I've got this."

I sure as hell hoped she did. If not, we were screwed. Phyllis and Dumbass were circling the protection bubble looking for a way in. We needed to work fast.

Quickly, I read. There were seven riddles on the page. "What has a neck and no head?" I had no clue what the answer was. My mind was a blank slate, and the solution wasn't writing itself down.

"A bottle," Pandora replied as I groaned in relief.

The minute she solved the riddle, it disappeared from the sheet of paper.

"You got it!"

"Of course I did," she said, clearly bewildered at my surprise. "Next?"

"I'm not a blanket, yet I cover the ground. I'm a crystal from above that doesn't make a sound. What am I?"

"An idiot," she replied with a laugh. "But the answer is a snowflake."

The riddle faded away. "What has a head but no brain?"

"Well, that could be any number of Demons I know, including you," Pandora mused. "However, I'm going with lettuce."

"Bingo!" I said, letting the dig slide as another riddle disappeared. "Four more."

"Bring it," she told me. "I'm feeling lucky today."

"The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?"

"As I said before, you're an idiot." She laughed. "But the answer is footsteps."

I rolled my eyes. She was annoying, but she was correct about the riddle answer. "Bingo. Next one, I sometimes run, but I can't walk. What is the answer?"

"I see what you did there," she pointed out correctly. "You made it so I can't call you an idiot again."

"Answer the riddle," I pressed. "The bad guys are banging on the bubble."

"A nose is the answer."

Again, she was right. "Forward, I'm heavy. Backward, I am not. What's the answer?"

"A ton," she replied. "And you're still an idiot."

"Thank you."

"Welcome."

"Last one," I said, feeling excitement course through me. We were getting closer to the Higher Power. "What gets broken without being held?"

"Easy," Pandora said, preening. "A promise.'

All of the riddles faded to nothing. Before my eyes, new words appeared on the page. I gasped when I saw what it was.

"Narrate," my sidekick insisted. "Your silence is freaking me out."

"It's directions… to Shaun Cassidy's house in the capital of Snoz."

"Well, I'll be damned," she muttered. "Shaun Cassidy is the Higher Power… at least in your warped mind he is. Were you a big fan as a child?"

"Actually, no. I liked his brother, David Cassidy."

"Strange," she commented. "Do you happen to spot a torch anywhere around us?"

I glanced around. To the left of the pedestal was a wooden unlit torch embedded in the sand. "I do."

"Grab it and light it," she insisted. "In the TV show of Survivor, the fire represents life. We need the extra boost. Do it.'

I pulled the torch out of the ground. Phyllis and Heff Brobst were losing their ever-loving minds outside of the bubble, and their anguish filled me with immense joy. Snapping my fingers, I lit the torch. The minute it caught, the talking ashtray and the host from hell disappeared into thin air.

"Where are the assholes?" she questioned warily. "I can't hear them anymore."

"Gone," I told her. "They disappeared when the last riddle was solved."

"Nothing is ever really gone, Cecily. Remember that."

I nodded. She couldn't see me, but she could feel me. Her warning would not go unheeded.

Even if they weren't gone for good, they were gone for now, and that had to be good enough. It was time to get this show on the road and confront the Higher Power.

I waved my hand and disintegrated the bubble. "You ready to kick Shaun Cassidy's ass?" I inquired.

"Does a doo-ron ron?" she replied.

My lips tugged back in a feral grin at her response.

I had the fever, and we were about to rock'n roll.