Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

We were back on the neon green brick road. I carried the torch in one hand and the map in the other. The lollipop trees were nowhere to be seen. The lemon-drop and candy cane bushes were missing. They'd been replaced by riotous red poppy fields that went on for as far as the eye could see. The sun was now purple and the clouds were orange. It was a nutty and colorful combo… and probably as dangerous as all get out.

"Dude," I said, checking the map with the directions. "There are poppy fields all around us."

"Are you sleepy?" Pandora asked, alarmed.

The question was legit. In the movie, Dorothy and her entourage fell asleep in the poppy fields because the Wicked Witch had put a spell on them.

"No," I answered. "Little worn out from the obstacle course, but not sleepy."

"How much farther until we get to the capital of Snoz?"

Again, I looked at the map. It wasn't like any map I'd seen before. It was just a bunch of drawings with vaguely written directions below. There was no indication as to any kind of measurement like miles or kilometers. "Not clear. But it's got to be close. Looks like we're about to get to the end of the green brick road."

"And what's beyond that?"

"Call me crazy, but it looks like some kind of food stand," I replied.

"Crazy, you can call me Nuts," she said, hopping right on. "One step at a time. We'll get there."

As I made my way to the end of the road, I kept my eyes open for danger and my ears open for the sound of a golf cart. There was no way I would allow Phyllis to sneak up on me. She was bad business. I hoped never to see the talking ashtray again.

"How are my leg and arm holding up?" Pandora inquired.

I glanced down to check and gasped. "What the heck?"

"What's wrong?" she yelled. "Did you fuck up my appendages?"

"Umm… no," I said, holding up the arm I'd grown after my other had been ripped off and examined it. It wasn't Pandora's arm anymore. It was mine. And the leg… the same. Somehow, without me noticing, my own body parts had come back. How the hell I hadn't felt it was beyond me. "I'm back to me."

"Did mine fall off?" she asked, wildly perplexed.

I turned around and scanned the path we'd already traversed. "No. They didn't fall off. My guess, which is truly a guess, is that they made their way back to your body."

"Fascinating," she said. "Actually, that's wonderful. I'd be pissed if it was your body parts that went to my body and mine stayed with you."

"That's kind of rude," I told her.

"It can't be helped," she informed me. "I'm superior, and I don't want used and unattractive parts. Mine are too glorious."

"Got it," I said with an enormous eye roll. Pandora might be improving as a person, but she would always be vain and egotistical. It was pretty ingrained at this point.

"Not that I think you're ugly," she quickly amended.

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm just prettier," she explained.

I was delighted to see that the end of the green brick road was finally in sight. I wasn't sure how much more of Pandora exalting her charms I could take. "I see the food stand."

"Is that really what it is?"

"Don't know, but I'm going to find out."

It wasn't a food stand, per se, but it did have something edible…edible being the operative word. On a large black lacquered table was an ornate gold and silver platter with a cut glass cover over it. In front of the platter was a note that read, ‘Eat Me'. The script was formal, the note card was thick and looked expensive, and the ink was bronze. On the plate was a gummy. A Devil's Lettuce gummy. Pot.

My stomach sank. My mind immediately raced back to the conversation at my bungalow in LA where I'd mentioned Alice in Wonderland . I certainly knew how to screw myself over. If I had to live in that world after I'd experienced a warped version of The Wizard of Oz , I didn't know if we were ever going to leave the dream state.

"You've gotten awfully quiet," Pandora commented with concern. "I don't take that as a good sign. You're making me nervous. When I get nervous, I destroy property, objects and occasionally people. No one wants that to happen."

No. We didn't want that to happen. I was her condo right now, and if she blew me up, I'd be furious.

"Not sure if this is good or bad, but apparently, we're supposed to eat a pot gummy. The sign says, ‘Eat Me'."

"Very Alice in Wonderland ," she said.

"Word," I replied.

The other iffy thing was that behind the table was a rabbit hole—a rabbit hole big enough for a human, or, Demon in my case. I was beginning to suspect that all my dreams were nightmares.

"Hell help us all," my ride-or-die lamented. "I'm not sure that being stoned is to our advantage."

I eyed the gummy. It was orange, and there was only one. From what I could recall, the light orange ones were the energizing strain, and the bright green ones were the put-you-to-bed kind. I'd taken the green one to come here. Maybe the orange would help us get home… or maybe not. However, I was wildly relieved that it was the gummy that gave you a boost. Going to sleep wasn't on the agenda. Well, not until I got Pandora out of me.

"I think it's fine," I told her as I removed the crystal platter topper. "It's the kind that revs you up."

"Of course, in your dream state, there would be illicit drugs," she huffed.

"First of all, pot is legal now, Shitty Whore. And secondly, you're a fine one to talk about illicit anything."

The Demon sighed dramatically and loudly. "Fine point. Well made. I suppose a little pick- me-up wouldn't hurt. Alice in Wonderland always reminded me of an acid trip of sorts. We may as well enjoy ourselves if we have to participate."

"How familiar are you with the story?" I asked, crossing my fingers and hoping she knew it well. I hadn't read the book or seen the movie in forever.

"Very," she stated as my tense body relaxed. "What do you want to know before we get wasted and jump down a rabbit hole?"

I brushed over her description of her version of the events because it made me itchy and got to the important parts. "What's the theme of the story? The main point, I mean."

"Embracing your true self," she said without hesitation. "And the moral, if you want to call it that, is to answer the question posed by the Caterpillar—who in the world am I?"

I paced in front of the table, holding the orange gummy in my muddy hand. That wouldn't do. If we were going to a tea party with Shaun Cassidy and a bunch of freaks, I couldn't show up filthy. Putting the gummy back on the platter, I waved my hands in a circular motion. The mud disappeared from my clothes, boots, hands and face. Shockingly, I'd almost gotten used to the rank smell, but it was soul-cleansing to be clean.

"Tell me about the characters," I pressed. "What do they represent?"

"Well, I'm unsure if I can recall all of them, but a few come to mind," she said. "Wait. Did you just clean up? I no longer smell raw sewage."

I laughed and groaned at the same time. "Yes. I'm clean. Get back to the book."

"Fine," she huffed. "The Cheshire Cat represents wisdom and guidance. The White Rabbit is symbolic of the obsession with time. And I believe the Mad Hatter symbolizes the unpleasant side of human nature."

"What about Alice?"

"I think she's just an everyman. Not sure."

I felt a little like the White Rabbit right now. My obsession with time and getting us out of the dream state was weighing heavily on me. It was past time to keep playing the game. I snatched up the gummy, chewed and swallowed it before I could change my mind. The next step to getting back home was going down the rabbit hole.

Shit.

"You ready to jump into whatever's next? Literally?" I asked Pandora.

"Not seeing that I have much of a choice," she pointed out.

"You got me there," I agreed, walking around the table and looking down into the hole. I couldn't see a thing. It was just a dark and very deep hole. "The unknown is way more terrifying than the known."

"That's a fancy concept coming from someone like you," Pandora said with a chuckle.

"Do you always have to be a dick?" I asked.

She clearly had to think about it for a minute as the silence was long. "Yes. I'm always a dick to some degree."

"At least you're honest."

She blew a loud raspberry. "I didn't used to be honest. I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. It's appalling."

I just smiled. She'd figure it all out eventually. Change was hard. Her change was going to be seriously difficult. She'd been a horror for a long, long time. However, she wasn't all to blame. Yes, her choices and actions had been her own. But the catalyst had been lit by the Higher Power, who was a gaping asshole in my estimation.

I was ready to find It. It had messed with us for too long, and it was time to end that chapter.

"Ready?"

"Born that way," Pandora replied evenly. "However, leave the torch here. It would suck to show up in the capital of Snoz with third-degree burns."

"Roger that."

The fall wasn't painful. It went on for a while, but it didn't hurt. The landing was abrupt. I was suddenly seated at a cartoonishly long table draped with a white silk tablecloth trimmed in red hearts. A chandelier made of crystal tea ups floated over the table. There were mismatched teapots and tiered petit four stands filled with colorful and bright cakes, tarts, cookies, pies and every kind of sweet imaginable. As a matter of fact, the table was so loaded down with food that it sagged in the middle. All of it was plated artistically and looked delicious. After eating shitty mud, they looked like slices of heaven.

A cat who resembled the Grim Reaper sat to the left of me and sipped milk tea from a saucer. In the seat to my right, a rabbit in a mailman uniform who bore a striking resemblance to Tim, nibbled on a cake that looked like it had been made with Vienna sausages and frosted with pimento cheese. Ick. Just beyond him was a crazy-looking man with a huge hat who looked suspiciously like Candy Vargo. He stirred his tea with a toothpick. And, finally, sitting at the head of the table was Shaun Cassidy, dressed as the Queen of Hearts.

"Welcome to the capital of Snoz!" Shaun Cassidy said grandly, adjusting his crown and dress. His voice was pitched high and was squeaky. It wasn't anything like the real Shaun Cassidy's voice. He looked like him, but it definitely wasn't him. "Please, partake in this feast I've arranged in your honor."

Idly, I wondered if munchkins had made all the sweet confections. It didn't matter. What did matter was that I was finally in the presence of the Higher Power.

"I'm good," I told him.

"What is your name, lonely girl?" he crooned.

I raised a brow. The dummy knew my name. I was sure of it. However, if he wanted to play games, I was all in.

"My name is Bitch Goddess Cecily. What's yours?"

The guests at the table gasped in horror. Shaun Cassidy turned an unattractive blood red and fanned himself with a starched white hanky.

"Oh my goodness! My goodness!" the White Rabbit, who looked like Tim but wasn't, fretted. "So inappropriate. So very inappropriate."

"It's fine," Shaun Cassidy said, patting the White Rabbit's hand. "While my feelings are deeply hurt, we mustn't be rude to our honored guest." He turned to me and gave me his best cover-of- Tiger-Beat smile. "I am Shaun Cassidy. I'm also known as the Wizard of Snoz, the Queen of Hearts, and if you know me well, McHottie. Do you believe in magic?"

Of course, I believed in magic, but this whole scenario still felt like I was still playing the game. I had thought that once we got through the Survivor crap, I'd have an audience with the Higher Power to state my case, but it looked like I was going to have to jump through more rabbit holes.

"What the hell is going on?" Pandora hissed. "Am I totally wasted, or are these people batshit crazy?"

Glancing around, I checked to see if anyone could hear her. It didn't seem that way. I was surprised that the Higher Power couldn't hear her. Maybe the Higher Power wasn't all that and a bag of chips after all.

"Number two," I told Pandora.

The Cheshire Cat stood up and pointed to the door. "If you need the bathroom, it's down the hall and to the left."

"I don't need the bathroom," I told him. It was wild how much he looked like Gideon. I knew it wasn't him, but it was strange nonetheless.

"But you said number two," he stated, perplexed. "Here in Snoz, number two means bowel movement."

"Oh," I said, trying so hard not to laugh. I failed. "No, I have a split personality, and I was talking to her."

"How interesting," the White Rabbit said. "And does your split personality have a name?"

I glanced over at Shaun Cassidy to see if he knew who I was talking about. He looked clueless. Something was off.

"Umm… yes. Her name is Shitty Whore," I explained, still observing Shaun Cassidy's every move.

Again, there was a gasp from the peanut gallery. The only person who seemed unoffended was the Mad Hatter, who had an uncanny resemblance to Candy Vargo. He just laughed.

I didn't understand the game being played here, and the rules were unclear. It felt, if possible, even more dangerous than the obstacle course.

"Just get right to it," Pandora urged. "Mention the Higher Power. See how they react."

I patted my stomach to let her know I'd heard her. The Cheshire Cat took that as me being hungry. He immediately filled a plate with food and shoved it in front of me. I really wanted to eat the strawberry tart, but this group was so whackadoo, I wouldn't risk it. I nodded my thanks and stood up. What I needed to do was to get Shaun Cassidy alone so he could drop the act. I wasn't buying it.

"Wizard of Snoz," I said with a polite curtsy. "Do you have a castle I could see? I've heard it's lovely."

"Oh yes!" Shaun Cassidy said, jumping to his feet. "I shall take you to the throne room. Very impressive."

"Perfect," Pandora hissed. "That's the room where Oz was exposed as a hack."

I wasn't sure how that was perfect, but I'd ask when I wasn't surrounded by strange characters.

The climax of the party was around the corner. I could feel it in my bones.