Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Miraculously, I was back at the starting point of the game. I was also all in one piece and fully dressed. I checked. Twice. Phyllis and Heff Brobst were back in the bleachers. The course looked pristine—no evidence of explosions and no random body parts lying around. Everything was as it had been, except that the Demons were missing. No Drogruzun. No Ezzanod and no Brolrath. The disappointment of not seeing my buddies hit me like a punch.

Glancing around, I searched for green goo on the ground. There was none. My stomach clenched, and my gaze shot up to the trees. I heaved a sigh of relief that the vultures were still muzzled.

"Youse got fifteen minutes before the game restarts. Use dat time wisely," Phyllis informed me through the bullhorn. "And make sure youse find youse some luck. Youse are gonna need it!" The talking ashtray cackled so hard she had a coughing fit that I hoped would end her.

Sadly, it didn't.

"Where are the Demons?" I called out.

"Back in Snoz," she answered, still coughing. "Dem idiots ain't worth nothin'."

"Wimpy-assed pussies," Heff volunteered, sounding bored as he ate popcorn and studied his cell phone. The asshole didn't even look up.

"I don't trust that," Pandora said, perturbed. "Do you think they hurt the idiots?"

I wanted to say no, but I wasn't sure. Hopefully, they were back home with the munchkins eating cookies. Reminding myself that they might not be real didn't help. They were my friends, real or not, and I was worried. "I don't know," I answered Pandora honestly. "I don't know if we'll ever know."

She didn't reply. I didn't blame her. It was a crappy answer with a potentially unhappy ending.

After a bit, she spoke. "May I make a suggestion?"

"Sure," I said, eyeing the course to ascertain if it was the same or different. To the naked eye, it looked the same, but I wasn't stupid enough to trust that. What was going to be devastating was if I didn't make it through on the second try. I didn't want the third time to be the charm. We needed to get the hell out of this place.

"You know how it's wildly satisfying when the bad guy gets his karma?" she questioned.

My brows shot up in surprise. I had no clue where Pandora was going with this one. She was the ‘baddest guy' I knew.

"Umm…"

She chuckled. The sound had no humor in it at all. "Yes, Cecily. Someone like me. I'm fully aware that I'll be punished the moment I'm released from you. I shall accept it and do my time. Honestly, getting incarcerated will be a relief. Maybe after my several thousand-year sentence, the Demons will have forgotten how awful I've been."

I winced but said my piece. "Awful is kind of mild, dude."

"Yes, well, as much as I enjoy talking about myself—and I do love talking about myself, the original query wasn't about me. It was about the talking ashtray and her sidekick, Jackass McJackhole."

I chuckled as I continued to study the course from afar. "What about them?"

"I'd thoroughly enjoy you beheading them. You could narrate the entire bloody affair so I can feel like I'm there. It would be so much fun! Maybe take a few selfies with their headless bodies."

"Mmkay, not sure I'd use the word fun. Possibly deserved, but not fun." I didn't comment on the selfie suggestion. She was freaking insane.

"You need to grow some bigger balls," she commented.

"Mine are huge," I told her. "Barely have room for them in my pants."

Pandora laughed. It brought a real smile to my lips. I despised her sins, but I no longer hated the sinner. Some wouldn't be able to separate the crimes from the woman herself, but none of them had walked around with her in their head for an extended period of time. I had. I wanted her out but wondered if I'd miss her.

"I have another idea," she announced.

"If it has anything to do with dismemberment, decapitation or castration, you need to hold those thoughts. I want to focus on right now and getting through the obstacle course."

"It has to do with that," she assured me.

"Shoot," I told her as I watched Phyllis and Heff with their heads together in deep conversation. That made me nervous. I was beginning to wonder if the freaking course was rigged so no one could win. Phyllis was shady AF, and Heff was an evil dolt. If it was unwinnable, I was in trouble.

"Let me help you," she said.

"You have helped me. I couldn't have gotten as far as I did without you. You were amazing."

"Of course, I was amazing," she said. "I'm Pandora. However, I think, with a little magic, I could be of far more aid."

"I'm listening."

"As you know, I'm very beautiful and powerful," she began.

"And humble," I commented.

"Screw you, Cecily. I'm doing my best to be nice. It does not come naturally to me," she snapped.

She'd gone from "fuck you, Cecily" to "screw you, Cecily." The Shitty Whore was definitely thawing. "Sorry. Keep going."

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, if you can cast a spell, I believe you could use my appendages if you lose yours."

My brow wrinkled in confusion. "But you're not physically inside me. I mean, your body isn't inside mine. It's your essence."

She sighed dramatically, then spoke to me in a tone as if I was a five-year-old. "Yes, imbecile. That's true, but I have a body somewhere. We just have to access it. It might be a long shot, but I believe if you cast a spell asking to use my appendages in case of an emergency it could benefit us. I'll also grant you use of my magic for the duration of the obstacle course."

"I have my own magic," I reminded her.

"Yes… but can you fly?" she asked slyly.

"Can you?" I shot right back.

I could feel her preening. It was an odd sensation. "As a matter of fact, I can. So, while your balls might not fit into your pants, mine don't fit into the entire state of California."

The Demon was not right in the head, but neither was I. There had been no rules about using magic. For some of the obstacles, magic wouldn't be helpful. But for others… "Do you truly believe that I can borrow your appendages if I need them and your ability to fly? For real?"

"We won't know unless we try," she pointed out logically. "Are you any good at spells?"

I winced. My spell-casting left a lot to be desired—some might label it as embarrassing or even mortifying, but I'd had excellent results. "Yes."

"I'd suggest we get to it. We have about ten minutes before the shitshow begins."

"Question. Are you doing this for me or for you?"

"Does it matter?" she countered.

"No," I admitted. "It doesn't."

"Then let's try it." Her voice was devoid of any hint as to the way she felt.

That was fine. It didn't matter if she was doing it for altruistic reasons or selfish reasons. The fact that she was willing to do it would have to be enough.

I returned to the hidden spot the Demons and I had used to hatch our plan. My mind went to the guys. I hoped with all my heart that they were fine. I couldn't think about it right now. I needed to figure out a spell that wouldn't send Pandora into a fit where she'd end up laughing herself to death. It was bad enough being stuck with a live Pandora in my head. It would be worse to have a dead Pandora in there.

"You ready?" I asked nervously.

"Are you?" she asked.

Nope, but that won't stop me."

"Spoken like a true Goddess," she said.

I inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. The party was about to go off the rails.

"To whom it may concern, this wish is for the Demon Goddess Pandora and myself—the Demon Bitch Goddess Cecily." I felt all kinds of ridiculous. Pandora was nice enough not to laugh. Or, she was in a total state of shock and was speechless. Didn't matter. I was an actress first and a Demon second. My way was unconventional and a little theatrical, but it got the job done.

First part over. Second part on its way.

"Death is near, and we refuse to take it in the rear. We ask for your help, so I don't have to die and … umm… yelp. We must combine our power, or the plan will go sour." My rhyming was not good, but I it didn't slow me down. Neither did Pandora's gasp of horror followed by riotous laughter. I ignored her. She was a bitch. She'd always been a bitch. It was in her DNA. "The smoker is a joker who does evil deeds. We need to outwit her so she doesn't succeed. For us to win, help us reach within. A leg for a leg and an arm for an arm. If this wish is granted, we won't have to buy the farm."

"What in the actual hell is happening?" Pandora cried out in between peals of laughter.

"Shut your trap, Shitty Whore," I hissed. "I'm not done. Have some damned respect."

I took another deep breath, pinched my weenus and continued. "In the blink of an eye, please let my friend guide me to fly. It's unacceptable that we're wrecked, this spell must help to protect. With my friend, we will defend, and the batshit crazy game shall end. Thank you, and have a good day."

When I was done, the silence was deafening. I realized I'd called Pandora "friend" in the spell. Not once, but twice. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I starting to consider the Shitty Whore a friend? Inconceivable.

There was no way she'd let me get away with it. I closed my eyes and waited for her to let me have it. She did not disappoint.

"I have never in my life—and I've lived a very long time—ever heard anything like that," she choked out.

"Never say never, Shitty Whore." I reminded her of her words, thankful she hadn't mentioned the endearments I'd used for her part in my spell. Maybe she'd missed those parts. "It's bad luck, and we don't need any of that."

"Touché, friend ." She giggled.

Ugh. This wasn't the time to clarify our relationship status, and frankly, I didn't know if the time would ever come. I didn't want to like Pandora. To paraphrase Mick Jagger, sometimes, we didn't always get what we wanted.

"Well, if the spell works," she said. "Who am I to say anything?"

"Exactly," I snapped, still feeling edgy about my faux pas. I had bigger concerns, like, had the spell even worked? "Wait. How can we check it? I'm not going to rip off my arm or leg to test the success."

"Can they see you right now?" she asked.

"No. Why?"

"Pick a spot. Not too far, but not too close. Take three steps and launch yourself toward your destination goal. We can test the flying."

"I swear on my fire sword, if you're messing with me and I end up with a mouth full of sand, I will kick your ass so hard when you are out of me it will replace your face," I ground out.

She laughed. "Your insults are getting much better!"

I didn't know whether to say thank you or screw you, so I didn't say anything. The only good thing going on here was that she couldn't see me. If it worked, she was truly a Goddess. If it failed, she was a dick.

With time running out before the game began, I did as she directed. Taking three steps forward, I dove toward the destination I'd chosen. I wished I'd been able to see the shock on my face as I soared through the air like a bird. The flight was majestic. The landing, not so much. I hit the sand hard enough I wouldn't need to exfoliate for a year, but I didn't care. I'd actually fucking flown! It had been a short but glorious trip.

"It worked!" I stood up and brushed the sand off my clothing. I was still flabbergasted.

"Excellent," she said. "Your spell was appalling. I'm quite impressed but mostly stupefied that it succeeded."

I was getting used to her insulting compliments. Strangely, they made me feel great. "I'm going to fly over that bridge."

"Hell to the yes you are," she said. "As of right now, I see the landmines and the spiked maze as the real problems."

"Agreed," I said as I made my way over to the starting line. "But if the flying worked, I might be able to use your arms and legs if I lose mine." I paused and wrinkled my nose. "How am I going to give them back? I mean, when you come out of me, will you be missing appendages if I borrow them?"

"Why do you ask questions that give me gas?" she demanded. "I have no idea how it will shake down. I've not done anything remotely like this before."

"Neither have I," I said with a laugh of disbelief. "I guess we'll just write the scene as we go."

"Or the scene will write itself."

"Nope," I said. "You said to control the narrative. I say that everything will end up just fine and dandy."

"Positive thinking will get you nowhere," she muttered. "However, in this case, I would be delighted to be wrong."

Glancing over at the bleachers, the feeling I had earlier of the game being rigged so no one could win came roaring back. The smug and evil smiles on the faces of Phyllis and Heff Brobst made me itchy.

"Dude," I whispered as I got into position. "I think the game has been designed to be unwinnable. My gut feels it, and the shitty grins on the faces of the talking ashtray and the gaping asshole kind of confirm it."

"That's cheating," Pandora hissed, furious.

I almost laughed. Pandora had been cheating most of her existence. Her indignation simply proved how much she was changing. Pointing it out would piss her off. So, I didn't. She'd figure it out. It was getting harder and harder to deny.

"It doesn't matter," I told her. "Winnable or unwinnable, we're going to kick this game's ass."

"I do believe your balls are now the size of a small city. You're going to have to get much bigger pants."

Again, the insane woman made me laugh. If anyone had told me there would have come a day where I would like Pandora, I would have punched them in the face. That day had come. No one was getting punched.

"Welp," I said as Heff Brobst picked up the bazooka and prepared to shoot it. "I say we take our collective balls and win this game."

"I like your style, idiot."

"And I like yours, Shitty Whore."

The recoilless anti-tank rocket launcher was prepped and ready. I didn't have my Demon friends here to help me track the time, but I didn't need them. I had backup legs and arms and the ability to fly. Victory was about to be ours.

"You ready?" I asked Pandora.

"I will repeat my answer from before," she said. "I was born ready."

"Works for me," I told her.

It was time to get dirty.