14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

E adlin’s little hands landed on my knees right before she started to climb onto my lap. I sucked in a breath of surprise, grabbing her under the armpits and hauling her up before she could dig her claws in for better grip.

“Remember what I said about asking if you want to come and sit on me?” I reminded her gently. “Then I can pick you up and make sure that neither of us gets hurt.”

She babbled something to me in whatever Shade language she spoke, immediately snuggling into me. It was probably wrong to play favorites, but Eadlin was definitely my favorite little Shade in the nursery. I think she had been since that very first visit with Damen when she’d played with my hair.

I’d only been visiting regularly for a week, but she was sweet and affectionate, and often came to sit with me to hide out when the other children were roughhousing.

From what one of the staff had said in an offhand way, Eadlin’s parents were palace employees rather than courtiers. They weren’t explicit about it, but I got the impression that meant Eadlin wasn’t expected to be a very powerful Shade when she grew up like little Jonan would be.

I wondered what that meant for her. She was growing up around future courtiers—would they ignore her someday because she’d be considered beneath them? Surely, the lines of delineation weren’t that strict.

“Have you had a good day, Eadlin?” I asked. It felt silly to speak to her in a language she didn’t understand, but the nursery staff had insisted that she’d pick it up quickly—Shades seem to have a real natural talent for languages—and that I should keep talking to her.

Eadlin mumbled something, her horns digging uncomfortably into my chest as she wriggled into a comfortable position. Shade mothers must be made of much stronger stuff than I was.

Though, I could adjust, I thought absently. If I had children of my own someday. I’d always liked that idea.

I probably shouldn’t have said no to the only person—or Shade—who’d ever wanted to marry me.

I rocked Eadlin gently in my lap, picking up from her lack of chattiness that she must be tired and looking for a soft, quiet place to nap. It was nice to have a specific task to focus on, even if it was just rocking back and forth until Eadlin’s breath evened out and her body was still and relaxed.

Despite what Damen had said about remaining friends, he’d vanished for the past few days, and it hurt . I was second-guessing everything—every decision I’d made, every word I’d said.

Worse, everyone else seemed to have disappeared too.

Meera had briefly stopped in to drop off more clothes and Tilly’s food that Astrid had sourced, but she’d seemed reluctant to talk. Even more than usual. And there had been no more dinners in the dining hall.

It was the worst I’d felt since I’d arrived in the shadow realm. No, since Nana died. Then again, I’d been in a constant state of motion since that morning, and this was the first time I was really still enough to absorb everything that had happened. To just exist and let my mind catch up with all the change I’d experienced.

I kind of wished I was still in motion instead.

“She likes you,” a soft voice said. I was struggling to remember who all the nursery staff were—there were so many, and they all seemed to work different shifts. “It’s Alyndra, by the way.”

“Thank you for reminding me,” I replied sincerely, adjusting my hold on little Eadlin. “How are you?”

“I was going to ask you the same question. Your scent is a little off today.”

I pressed my lips together, suppressing a laugh. Usually, I was the one picking up nonvisual cues. It was an interesting experience being on the other side of it. “I was just reflecting on my journey here. It’s been a busy few weeks.”

“I can imagine,” she said quietly, fussing with something next to me. It sounded like she was picking up toys. “I hope this isn’t too bold of me to say, but I’m always so intrigued by the ex-Hunters who have come here. What must your life have been like to leave everything you’d ever known behind?”

There was sympathy in her voice, and I didn’t feel like I’d earned it. I’d had a roof over my head and food in my belly. The attic had been comfortable, if not a little cold when the heating went out. It could have been worse.

“It really wasn’t that bad,” I hedged.

“Would you have come here if it wasn’t that bad? And chosen to stay? Many more Hunters came here with Astrid originally, but they went back because the adjustment to life here was too much for them to handle.”

I gave that idea some thought. There certainly had been adjustments, but not that many. Even over the past few days where I’d felt a little abandoned—a ridiculous thought—I was never truly alone. Whenever I emerged from my room, wanting to go somewhere, immediately there was someone at my side offering to walk me there. Delicious trays of food were delivered three times a day, with a plate of unseasoned meat for Tilly. My room was even cleaned for me, with fresh sheets seeming to appear of their own accord.

Of course, I’d had Nana to help me before, but the guilt of leaning so heavily on her had weighed heavily on me, especially as she’d aged. Life was far easier for me here.

For the others, I imagined the loss of technology had hit them hard. But Nana had done all of the cooking and laundry, and we hadn’t been able to control the thermostat from the attic. There was the television, but hearing so many conversations, being so surrounded by noise and chatter and activity all the time was a more than adequate replacement for passively listening to films.

“So far, every change I’ve had to make has made my life easier, not harder,” I admitted, feeling a little guilty for that fact. Everything had been so smooth sailing for me—I’d even been proposed to—and yet I didn’t feel like I’d entirely found my feet here.

The process couldn’t have gone any smoother, and I didn’t have anything to complain about. So why wasn’t I content? I remembered Nana saying that I was difficult, and worried that she was right.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Alyndra said cheerfully. “So, we just need to find more Hunters like you, and then they won’t be intimidated by our way of life and leave?”

I laughed, slightly hysterically. More Hunters like me ? No one would want that. I was the very worst example of a Hunter.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” a new voice said apologetically. “But you’ve received an invitation to have tea with Orabelle.”

I sat quietly, gently adjusting my hold on Eadlin, not wanting to interrupt Alyndra’s conversation.

Alyndra cleared her throat. “Iris, he’s speaking to you.”

“Oh!” My face heated instantly. “Someone wants to have tea with me ?”

Alyndra laughed nervously. “Yes. The king’s mother. She’s, um, perhaps a little less friendly than some of the other Shades you’ve encountered so far. But I’m sure she’ll be nice to you,” she added hastily. And unconvincingly. “Yara, is she expecting Iris now?”

“Yes. A member of the Guard is waiting outside to escort you there.”

Alyndra carefully lifted a sleeping Eadlin out of my arms, and I felt a little lost without her warm, comforting weight. Perhaps the naptime cuddles had been for both of us. I stood up, patting the side of my leg so Tilly would follow. “Thank you for letting me visit.”

“Come back any time you like,” Alyndra said, briefly touching my arm. “You’re always welcome here. The children adore you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, grateful that I had somewhere I could go. Somewhere that I was wanted. I wasn’t sure I was actually adding any value on these visits, or that this was the purpose I’d been looking for, but it was a start.

Andrus escorted me and Tilly on the long walk to Orabelle’s rooms, careful not to touch me the entire time and speaking as little as possible. He was often stationed near my room and always volunteered to guide me wherever I needed to go, but I also got the impression that he didn’t particularly like me. Or, at the very least, he was wary of my company.

It made me miss Damen even more.

“Here you go,” Andrus mumbled, a door creaking as he pushed it open.

I held on to Tilly’s collar, depending on her to lead the way since Andrus hadn’t given me any direction. Fortunately, the room seemed to be flat and entirely clear of obstacles—unlike most of the non-corridor rooms in the palace.

“Ah, here she is,” a voice said, startling me. It was very clearly an elder female voice, and there was a pang of grief in my chest for Nana.

“Are you Orabelle?”

“I am. And you’re Iris. The famous Iris.”

I laughed uncertainly. How could I be famous? I only went between my room and the nursery, and barely spoke to anyone.

“Hmmm. What to make of you?” Orabelle murmured. I felt her circling me, taking me in from every angle, and I couldn’t decide whether to stay perfectly still or ask Tilly to get me out of here. “You’re the one who has my Damen all in a tizzy.”

“I don’t know about that,” I replied slowly, trying to remember who Alyndra said she was. “Are you Damen’s mother?”

“In many of the ways that matter, I suppose. He didn’t come from my womb, his own mother died on a feeding trip to the human realm shortly after she gave birth.”

A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed past it painfully. How awful for Damen to have to grow up without his mother. How awful for his mother, to have her time with her child cut so very short. Then again, perhaps she’d been a mother like Moriah? It was difficult to reconcile the romantic view of motherhood that I’d always heard about in movies with my own experience of it.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” I rasped.

Orabelle leaned in close enough that the tip of her horn brushed the side of my head and inhaled deeply. She must be much shorter than Damen.

“You are, aren’t you? There’s no lying about your intentions when you’re a Hunter. Ex-Hunter. Whatever you lot call yourselves. There are no polite, empty apologies. When you feel sorry, you smell like it. That must be a strange adjustment for you, being so easy to read.”

“Not really,” I admitted. “I’ve never been very good at lying about my intentions. My nana always encouraged me to be kind and polite, and I try to live my life accordingly.”

Orabelle hummed again. “Interesting. I’ve never put much stock in kindness, personally. It seems like more hassle than it’s worth.”

“It seems like more effort to ruin someone’s day than to bring joy to it.”

I’d said the words without thinking, and they took me by surprise. Usually, I wasn’t so quick to disagree with someone. Especially my elders.

Orabelle snorted. “I can assure you it’s not. But perhaps it would be for you—you’ve got this… inherent goodness about you. Like any form of unkindness would require special effort. It’s not something I’ve ever encountered before—I can see why Damen is so fascinated by you. I hear he proposed to you and you told him no.”

I winced at the reminder. “It was very unexpected—”

“You don’t need to justify yourself to me,” she cackled. “He’s a headstrong lad with an ego as big as this palace. You’ve done him an enormous favor, really. It’s good for him to have to actually work for something—some one —he wants for a change.”

I didn’t think he was doing that, but I decided against arguing. Damen hadn’t visited after I’d rejected him. Clearly, a relationship wasn’t something he was interested in any longer.

Which was completely reasonable—I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I put myself out there like that and the person I asked said no. Of course, that idea was now off the table.

“He hasn’t gone around telling the court that he proposed, just so you know. He hasn’t even told Allerick—he knows what a bollocking he’d get for it.” Orabelle laughed to herself. “Silly lad. He’ll learn. There are lots of secrets at court lately,” she added slyly.

“Are there?” It seemed like she wanted me to ask follow-up questions, but my limited social experiences hadn’t really prepared me for this.

“Oh, yes. You’re one of them.”

“ I’m a secret?” I frowned, running my fingers through Tilly’s fur. “But I’ve been to dinner in the dining hall and everything.”

“You’d better sit down.” I startled as she grabbed my forearm, dragging me a few steps to a seat. “I’m going to tell you this because I disapprove of the decision not to.”

“Okay.” I folded my hands in my lap as Tilly lay down on the floor with a long-suffering sigh.

“Three Hunters have come through from the human realm recently with the intention to negotiate some sort of lasting peace with the shadow realm. As no one trusts these new arrivals and they came here shortly after you did, the decision was made to keep your existence a secret from them. Just in case they were sent to collect you.”

“Oh.” In theory, that was a good thing. I didn’t want to be found, and I certainly didn’t want to go back. And I wasn’t opposed to being kept a secret from the new Hunters until we knew if they were trustworthy or not—I was very much accustomed to being treated as a secret.

It stung a little that they were being kept a secret from me , though. Was I untrustworthy?

“Well, if that’s the decision everyone has come to,” I said uncertainly, realizing that Orabelle was waiting for a more detailed response. “Then I guess that’s the right thing to do. I’m very grateful that they took my safety and wellbeing into account,” I added honestly.

“You’re not like the other Hunters that gave it all up to come here,” Orabelle observed.

“I’m blind.”

“I didn’t mean like that,” she replied dismissively. “You’re more… what’s the word for it? I’m trying not to be insulting. Damen will be cross if I am.”

I had no idea how to respond to that.

“Sheltered,” Orabelle settled on eventually. “You’re more sheltered. Even the quietest of the ex-Hunters have a sharp edge to them from whatever awful training regimen they put you all through as children. You’re missing that.”

“Yes,” I agreed in surprise. “That’s a fair assessment. I never went through Hunter training. I lived in the attic with my Nana and kept quiet and out of sight so I didn’t embarrass my family with my existence.”

Orabelle was silent for a long moment before letting out a heavy exhale. “And now you’re here, hiding away in the nursery. We’re going to need a cup of tea for this conversation.”