9. Max

“Why amI out of bed this early in the morning?” I asked, groaning as I shoved my sunglasses on my face.

Fuck, the sun was too bright. After FNG got started with his list, it was impossible to get rid of him. He was like a dog with a bone, and no matter how many times I told him to fuck off, he just laughed and kept planning. He scared away all my potential dates by telling them we were a team and didn’t have room for any distractions. A few of the women didn’t care, but a lot of them looked at me in a new light. They thought I was gay, which didn’t bode well for my reputation.

And as for my mystery woman, she never showed up. Well, she may have, but I didn’t smell her scent. If I ran into her again, I would have to ask her where she got that perfume from. I could pour that on my pillow and sleep peacefully for the rest of my life.

“I have a plan,” FNG said, driving into town.

“And what’s that?”

“If I told you the plan, I wouldn’t have gotten you in the truck.”

“That doesn’t make me want to be in the truck now.”

“Look, if we’re going to be teammates, we need to bond.”

“I don’t see Fox out here bonding with us,” I grumbled. “And who said anything about joining a team?”

“I did. Last night, remember? You were there.”

“Yes, I was there, but that doesn’t mean I agreed to join. Did you even talk to Cash about this?”

He snorted, turning down the road into town. “Like I would consult him. Do you have any idea what he would say?”

“I’m pretty sure he’d tell you this is a fucking terrible idea.”

“But in reality, it’s the best idea ever. With our skills, there’ll be no stopping us.”

I turned to him, staring at him through darkened lenses that didn’t block out nearly enough of the sunlight. “Fox doesn’t even hold a weapon.”

“Right, which is the point of our first mission.”

Sighing, I laid my head back. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know anything more. “How about you drop me off on the side of the road and I’ll take a little nap while you continue our mission?”

“Yeah,” he barked out a laugh. “Good one. Geez, you crack me up. This is gonna be good.”

I highly doubted that, but it wasn’t like I was gonna jump out of a moving truck. I had cigars in my pocket, and I had already lost enough of those recently. We came to a stop and I slowly lowered my glasses, staring at the building in front of us. Surely, he just parked here for lack of space wherever we were truly going.

“FNG…”

“Yeah?”

“Where the fuck are we?”

“This is a church.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured that. Why are we at the church?”

“Our teammate is having a crisis of the heart. We need to help him through this trying time.”

I stared at him a little longer, sure I’d heard him wrong. “In church.”

“Right, you know, help him find…a higher power or some shit.”

“Doesn’t he pray to Buddha or something?”

He shrugged. “Not sure. Does it matter?”

What the hell would I know about that? I didn’t believe in God, and to be honest, I was pretty sure if I stepped through the doors of the church, I’d burst into flames as the churchgoers stared on in horror.

“I’m not going in there.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m really not.”

Sighing, he pulled a notebook out and flipped it open. “We laid out this plan last night. You can’t go back on it now. It’s written down!”

“Plans can change.”

He frowned. “I guess I should have had you sign it. It doesn’t matter, though. We have no choice but to go through with this.”

“Give me one good reason you think I’d willingly walk into a church at—” I glanced at the clock and groaned— “eight forty-five in the morning!”

“Because your friend needs you.”

That wasn’t good enough.

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

I snorted. Yeah, that wouldn’t work either.

He reached into the back seat and pulled out a bottle of Glenlivet whiskey. My eyes immediately widened and I reached for the bottle, only to have it snatched out of my reach.

“Ah, ah,” he shook his head. “This, my drunken friend, is twenty-five year old whiskey. It cost me almost a thousand dollars, so if you want this, you’re gonna have to do something for me.”

My eyes flicked to the church and then back to the whiskey. Glenlivet was the good stuff—something that should be savored and not drunk in a single night like I knew I could.

“I just have to go in the church?”

He nodded. “God will do the rest. Or so I’m told. I don’t really know much about it.”

I didn’t really want to go into the church, but a bottle of whiskey—the cream of the crop—sat right in front of me, just waiting for me to get my hands on it. I could go into church. It’s not like it would be an all day thing. I could go in, pretend to listen, maybe take a nap, and then slip out when all that bending and praying was over.

“I’ll do it.”

“Great!” A wide grin spread over his lips as he stuffed the whiskey in the back seat. “Now we just have to get Fox inside.”

He flung his door open and stepped out with a little too much pep in his step. I wasn’t nearly awake enough to even pretend to be that awake. We headed down the sidewalk where I saw Fox sitting in a minivan, staring at the building with curiosity. FNG threw his door open and practically dragged him out.

“Hey, buddy! Ready for this?”

“I don’t know. I don’t believe in organized religion,” Fox answered.

“Right, but this will help guide you. Before we get moving on our plan, we have to put you right with the big man.”

“Buddha?” Fox questioned.

FNG barked out a laugh, slapping him on the back. “No, but seriously, this’ll be good for you.”

“And you’re going too?” Fox asked, his brows pulled down in a frown.

I didn’t answer immediately, but when FNG shot me a scathing look, I jumped in. There was too much on the line. “Oh, right. Uh…me too. I’ve been dying to learn about…all this shit.”

I could feel FNG’s disappointment flowing off him in waves, but what did he expect? He sprung this on me at the last minute.

“Alright, I guess I could try it.”

“That’s the spirit!” FNG said, clapping him on the back. “Onward!”

I rolled my eyes, trudging behind them toward the church. The closer we got, the more I was filled with anticipation. This just wasn’t a good idea, no matter how much whiskey was on the line. But as soon as we stepped across the threshold, the doors were closed behind us with an ominous boom.

Sweat beaded down my neck as I walked further in. This was a very bad idea. I stepped to the side out of the way and shoved my hands in my pockets. Music started playing and everyone stood. Singing filled the large space, reminding me why I didn’t like organized anything. Who stood with so many people and sang to a stained glass window? There was definitely something wrong with this picture.

I leaned back against the wall, determined to get through this. All I needed was a distraction. It wasn’t like I had to actually participate. I pulled a cigar from my pocket, but when I searched for my lighter, I came up empty. “Shit.”

I almost gave up, but then I saw the various candles lit around the church and figured no one would care if I borrowed one. Moving quickly along the back, I headed to the side of the church and tripped in my haste to get to the candelabra. I fell into it, barely keeping it upright as I quickly straightened it.

“Shit,” I hissed, righting the candles. “Jesus Christ, what a fucking fire hazard.”

I must have said that too loudly because everyone close by turned to stare at me. I smirked at them, giving a small wave.

“Whose bright idea was it to line a church with candles?” I chuckled, but got little response from the people around me. Ignoring them, I turned back to the candles and took one down, lighting my cigar, which earned equally scathing glares. Geez, talk about judgmental religious nuts. I tipped my hat at them, then slipped into the back of the church again. Fuck, this day was not going as planned.

“Are you smoking in church?” FNG hissed.

“What? Like it’s that fucking bad? The only reason people have a problem with it is because they’re so fucking scared they’re gonna get cancer from secondhand smoke. Let me tell you something. Before all these religious fanatics started being so goddamn concerned about saving everyone, they smoked in church just like everyone else, and nobody fucking cared!”

FNG shot a pained expression to the people who turned around in their pew, glaring at me like I was the problem here. “He’s new to church,” FNG said awkwardly. “Would you stop taking the Lord’s name in vain in the fucking church!”

“What are you talking about?”

He spun on me, shoving me against the wall. “Look, I don’t believe in God either, but even I know you don’t say things like goddamnit in church! Are you trying to get smitted?”

“Smitted? Is that even a thing?”

“Whatever. Just keep your mouth shut.”

Huffing, he turned back to face the front of the church. Whatever. Good for him that he wanted to bow to their religious ways. I wasn’t that fucking stupid. I leaned back against the wall and continued to puff on my cigar for the better part of an hour.

“Is it almost fucking over?” I muttered.

The organ played and I thought maybe that was it, but then men lined up at the back of the church holding out refreshments.

“About fucking time,” I said, picking up the tiniest fucking shot glass I’d ever seen. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I laughed. “I thought this was church. Kind of stingy, don’t you think?” I asked the man holding the tray. I tossed back the shot, nearly grimacing when I realized it was wine and not hard liquor. I guess that was too much to hope for.

“That’s sacramental wine,” the man hissed.

I didn’t know what the fuck that meant, but he seemed pretty pissed about it. Luckily, I hadn’t swallowed yet. I spit it back into the glass and very carefully replaced it in the tray. “Sorry about that.”

The man glared at the shot glass and then at me. “I can’t serve it now.”

“You really shouldn’t serve it at all. It tastes like shit. Don’t they have any real liquor at these shindigs?”

“Would you please take the glass?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Geez, make up your mind.”

I snatched it but couldn’t stomach it in my mouth again, so I just held onto it. “You know,” I whispered to FNG, “you’d think they’d serve better alcohol in church.”

“It’s communion,” FNG said, showing me the program.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It’s the blood of Christ…”

“No wonder it tasted like shit,” I snorted.

“And the body of Christ.” He frowned as he turned to me. “Why the fuck are people eating and drinking some dude?”

“Got me,” I huffed. I tossed back the shot, grimacing as the flavor hit my lips, and spit it back out again. “Fuck, that’s disgusting.”

“Then stop drinking it.”

“Easier said than done. It’s alcohol. At least, it’s supposed to be.”

The man in front of us turned around and glared at me. “Some of us are trying to pray. Can you pipe down?”

“Hey, buddy,” I said, swinging my arm out, the alcohol swished over the edge. “Do I come into your bar and tell you how loud to be?”

His jaw clenched angrily. “This is not a bar. It’s a church. And this is my church.”

“Right…” I frowned. “Well, then maybe you should talk to the big guy and tell him his wine sucks. You know, when I have company over, I usually serve the good stuff.”

Another man approached, this one holding up a tray with little chips on it. I grabbed a handful, earning me another glare. “Sir, if you don’t keep it down, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Not very Christian of you,” I said, popping a chip in my mouth. I immediately grimaced and downed my shot, only to spit it back into the glass. “Fuck, stop me from doing that!” I bitched at FNG.

“Just set it down.”

“Where?” I asked, holding my arms out wide. “Do you see a good spot to set down a shot glass?”

“Sir,” the man chastised.

“Yeah, yeah. I got it. I’ll be quiet,” I grumbled as he walked away.

Sighing, I leaned back against the wall and popped another chip in my mouth. It kind of melted as it sat on my tongue, which was a weird way to eat chips.

“It was probably a bad idea to bring you to one of these.”

“You’re just now deciding that?” I snorted. “You know, these aren’t half bad,” I said, staring down at the chips. “Would it kill them to put out some dipping sauce?”

“In church?”

“I’m just saying, if they want people to stick around, maybe they should cater to people’s needs a little. Maybe get some bigger glasses. Do you know how many of those shots I’d need to have to get drunk?”

“Probably all of them.”

“Exactly. Fill her up. That’s all I’m saying.”

Music started again, but this time, a group of fucktard kids stood in robes off to the side and a woman stood in front of them. She looked familiar somehow, but I couldn’t place her. I walked around FNG, ignoring the way he hissed at me to come back. I just needed a better look.

When I was parallel to her, it hit me. Fuck, it was the woman from the bar. I wasn’t sure I would recognize her if I saw her again, but there she was. As if a wave of fresh air blew through the building, I caught her scent, and fuck…it was good. I leaned against the wall and watched as she directed the little shits singing. If the church had any pity, they’d remove these kids and ban them from ever singing again.

I ignored them and focused solely on the woman standing in front. She was so fucking gorgeous. I wished I could remember more about our night together. Hell, I knew I went to bed happy, and that should have been enough. But for some reason, I was desperate to know more, and it wasn’t just because I liked the scent of her perfume.

By the time the kids were done screeching, I was trying to find a way to approach her, and I got the feeling walking up to her while the service was still going was not the way to handle it. I caught the look of a teenager out of the corner of my eye and headed over, scooting him over on the bench. His parents eyed me warily and didn’t move at first.

“I thought this was church,” I said snidely, finally getting them to move. “Hey,” I hissed at the kid. “What’s her name?”

“Why?” he laughed. “You think you could get her?”

I slowly turned and glared at him. “I could get her.” I already had gotten her, but I didn’t need to tell this punk that.

“Yeah, not that one.”

“And why not?”

He smirked at me, but didn’t say anything else.

“I’ll have you know I get any lady I want. If you got rid of those pimples, you probably wouldn’t do half bad either.”

“I don’t have pimples!”

I snorted in laughter. “Kid, ever heard of soap? Start using it and your face will clear up. No woman wants to fuck a man with pus on his face.”

The mother gasped, like what I said was really that bad. “It’s true and you know it. Teach the kid some proper hygiene, for Christ’s sake.”

Now, a circle of gasps went up around me. Fucking prudes, every last one of them.

“You can teach me how to get women?” the kid leaned in and whispered.

Not in that condition. The kid needed some major work, and not just his face. He dressed like…like the kids I used to bully in school. There was no way he’d get laid looking like that. But I could share my knowledge with him. Why not? It was the charitable thing to do, and going to church was all about charity. Hell, it would be doing a service to God…or something like that. God put us on this earth to procreate. Okay, there needed to be some life lessons about getting girls knocked up, but that would come at a much later date. For now, the kid just needed a few pointers.

“Yeah, I can help you, kid.”

“Yeah?”

“But you gotta tell me her name.”

He smirked at me, giving me the impression he wasn’t going to be totally honest with me. “Christa.”

I nodded. It sounded familiar. “Lesson one. Cut out the sugars and wash your face twice daily.”

“And that’ll get me women?” he asked, his eyes brightening.

“No,” I sighed. “We have a lot of work to do before that can happen. But at least your face will be clear.”

The organ started again, and this time, everyone stood. I got up, watching Christa as she stood with her students, singing whatever the hell the rest of the churchgoers sang. When the music cut off, I hurried out of the pew, about to approach her when I realized I was still holding the little shot glass. I upended the liquor in a potted plant, then scanned the area for something to set it on. Not finding anything, I turned it upside down and placed it over a candle, immediately snuffing it out.

As people started to file out of the pews, it became harder and harder to reach my destination, and I nearly shoved one old lady out of the way when she brought out her walker and placed it right in my path, then refused to move.

Chuckling, I bent over and hissed in her ear, “Lady, you’re standing between me and the woman of my dreams. Move your fucking ass!”

“Oh! Tommy!” the woman beamed up at me. “So nice of you to say hi.” She held out her frail hand for me to shake. “It’s been such a long time.”

“Mama, who are you talking to?” a man asked, pressing his hands to her shoulders lovingly.

“Tommy, dear. Don’t you remember him?”

The man looked up at me, his eyes landing on the cigar hanging out of my mouth for only a second. “You’ll have to excuse my mother. She doesn’t really remember much anymore.” Then he turned to his mother. “Mama, Tommy moved to England last year.”

The woman shook her head, smiling up at me. “It all goes with age.”

Crap, she was still holding my hand, and Christa was moving further away from me, talking to other people. I couldn’t let her get away. I tried to pull my hand away, but the woman held tight. As her son turned to talk to someone, she rammed the walker into my shins, making me wince.

“I may be old, but I could still take you out.”

“Noted,” I winced, finally pulling my hand away. I quickly turned and beelined for the back of the church to go up another aisle, but that, too, was littered with these fanatical nuts. Why would so many people gather in one place anyway?

“Max, we have to leave,” FNG said quickly behind me.

“Not now. I have to find Christa.”

“Who? Dude, Fox is on the verge of losing it. We have to get out.”

“So get him out,” I said, practically shoving him aside in my attempt to get to Christa.

“So, you’re saying I’m going to hell?” I heard Fox shout, causing everyone in the church to stare at him. “I kill a few people and that’s all it takes to tarnish my soul forever?”

“Shit,” I muttered, wincing at the number of people stopping to stare.

“Time to go,” FNG said, taking off for the front of the church.

I turned back just in time to catch Christa’s eye before being dragged out of the building and away from the sweet scent I knew was waiting for me.