10. Christa

“He was in church?”Bridget gasped, grabbing her glass of tea and following me into the living room. “Do you think he was there to see you?”

I shrugged as I sat down. “I don’t know. I mean…lots of people go to church. What are the odds he showed up just for me?”

“Um… a lot!” she laughed. “I’ve never seen him in church before.”

“I know, but that doesn’t mean he came just for me.”

She smiled, sinking back into my couch. “Just think, in a little over a year, you could be walking down the aisle in the very church you grew up in.”

“Let’s not get out of control with this. I mean, right now, he’s just a guy I slept with. What if he’s one of those guys who doesn’t believe in marriage?”

She sat up suddenly, her eyes wide. “You know, you’re right! There are so many people now that don’t think it’s necessary.”

“Exactly. Or maybe he would want to get married, but doesn’t want kids.”

“They are expensive,” she agreed.

“And then there’s so many other things to consider. Maybe he snores a lot or?—”

“Drinks too much,” she added. “You did meet him in a bar.”

“True, but I don’t think that’s a problem. He didn’t act at all drunk when I went home with him. Besides, I only saw him for a moment before he ran out of the church. Maybe I made him up in my head.”

“Or maybe he really had to go to the bathroom. You know, your dad can really drone on during the sermon.”

“I know,” I winced. “Do you think he knows who my dad is?”

“Maybe that’s why he ran! Oh my gosh, he found out you were the pastor’s daughter and got freaked out.”

“Ugh, I love my dad, but sometimes I really hate how people act when they find out. What if that scares him away?”

We sat in silence, sipping our tea for a moment, when she spoke again. “Or maybe that will endear you to him. Maybe he really likes the idea of a woman with such strong morals.”

“I slept with him the same night I met him,” I retorted. “I honestly doubt he was with me for my morals.”

“Maybe he’s just as concerned about that as you. Some men have a hard time with the whole…sex and God thing,” she said, cringing like she’d just spoken about the devil.

Frustrated, I stood and paced around the small living room. “I don’t know why we’re discussing this anyway. He walked out of the church. If he really wanted to see me, he would have come over to talk. Besides, when I went home with him that night, it wasn’t so I could make a relationship out of a one-night stand. I wanted to do that for me, and I did.”

“But is it enough now that you’ve had him?” She turned bright red at even the mention of the act.

“It’ll have to be. I can’t walk around hoping he’ll seek me out. That’s not logical.” I took a deep, calming breath. “I’m an adult and I made a choice. If he doesn’t want to be with me, then I have to deal with that.”

Her face turned sad the longer she stared at me. Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of not getting to see him again. I was being silly and I knew that, but still…

“I’m so stupid,” I whispered.

“You’re not. You’re just…like every other woman out there who wants to believe the man she likes will fall for her.”

I swiped my fingers under my eyes, shaking off the silly tears. “And like every other woman out there, I’m going to remember how much fun I had and try not to think about the what-ifs.”

She stood and wrapped her arms around me, giving me the hug of a lifetime. I was such a mess and I was going to have to pull myself together.

“So, pizza?”

“And a movie,” I agreed. “And none of those cheesy romance movies. I can’t take the heartbreak tonight.”

“Right, so no Jane Austen either,” she agreed. “We need a comedy.”

“Or an action movie.”

“And plenty of wine,” she added to the list. “Should I call the girls?”

I was about to say no. I really didn’t want to discuss my love life at this time, but it felt wrong to leave them out. They’d been with me through everything. “Yeah, let’s call them. But no talk about what happened the other night. This is strictly a man-free night, with no talk of sex or kissing or anything else that could possibly have to do with a man.”

“Exactly,” she grinned. “I’ll get the wine. You order the pizza.”

I grabbed my phone and called the girls first, letting them know the plan. Then, I ordered enough pizza to keep us full for the next twelve hours, even though none of us ate more than a few slices. I was determined not to think about Max and our night together, or the smoldering look he shot me just before he fled the church. It wouldn’t do me any good to dwell on things I couldn’t change. I had the terrible feeling I was overthinking my non-relationship with him, and that would only lead to heartbreak.

By the time the wine arrived, I was more than ready to drink to forget, which was so unlike me. I swung the door open and greeted my friends with much-needed hugs, squeezing each of them like it might be the last time.

“Whoa,” Emily laughed. “Did you hit the wine a little early?”

I stepped back and laughed, covering for the gaping hole that was starting to form in my stomach. “Not even a little, but I’m ready to have some fun.”

“Not too much fun,” Amy said, hanging her jacket up. “I have an early morning at the law firm.”

“Yes, some of us have big, important jobs,” Emily teased.

“Hey, not all of us can have our dream jobs,” Amy shot back.

My face fell despite the smile I tried to hold in place. All my friends had jobs they loved, and I…I did what was expected. Yes, I was musical and loved teaching the kids, but something was missing. I just didn’t know what that was. And the more years that passed, I came to realize I really didn’t know myself at all.

I swiped the wine from Bridget and headed to the small kitchen, rummaging through the drawers for a wine opener and ignoring the desperate need to break free from the chains I’d placed on myself.

“You know she’s just teasing,” Emily said, walking in and hopping up on the counter.

“I know,” I grinned. “I’m fine.”

“You look like you want to bury your head in the sand for about a week.”

I didn’t respond, instead choosing to get to work on opening this bottle. I placed the screw in the cork, but the more I turned it, the more I tore up the cork and decimated any chance of getting it out and drinking my beloved wine. Tears pricked my eyes as frustration peaked. Everything felt so wrong.

“Hey,” Emily soothed, hopping down from the counter. “I didn’t mean?—”

“It’s not you. Trust me, it’s really not.”

“Then what’s all this about?”

I swiped at the stray tears falling down my face and attempted to pull myself together. “My life. My terrible choices,” I chuckled. “You know, my night with Max was the best thing that could have happened.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna talk about why you went dark and didn’t say a word about that,” she cut in. “So, it was good?”

“Amazing.” But as I said it, my body deflated. “And also the worst.”

“The sex was bad?”

“No, that was the good part.”

“If the sex was good?—”

“It’s the feelings afterward.”

“Uh-oh. Yeah, I was afraid this would happen.”

I knew what she was talking about, and she wasn’t wrong about my slight obsession with the man who caught my eye. “It’s not about that, sadly. I wish I could tell you this was all about some guy who broke my heart, but it’s more than that. It’s me.”

“Honey, no one’s good their first time.”

I slapped her on the arm. “Not everything is about sex.”

“It is with me,” she winked.

“Well, with me, the problem is bigger. It was a mistake because now I’ve seen just how sheltered my life is, and the worst part is that it’s all my fault. I’ve let my parents run my life even though I’m an adult. And now it feels like it’s too late.”

“You’re twenty-five,” she chastised.

“I know, but it’s not about my age. It’s about not knowing who I am or what I really want. I’m not sure I even know how to figure it out!”

She swiped the destroyed bottle from my hands and grabbed a skinny knife from the drawer, then started scraping out the cork. “Well, we’ll figure that out. For tonight, we’ll drink.”