Chapter 37

A Normal Chair Feels Like…

NOW

(Leith)

Amy is pregnant.

The words just played through my mind over and over.

And of course Beth was hurt by that. Our past dictated that pretty easily. Because what happened all those years ago was such a mess and was looked at the wrong way. And now, we finally have the chance to be together…

I put my hand to the wall in the shower and lowered my head.

Amy was coming over. She wanted to talk about everything.

Everything.

There was no way I was going to just leave her hanging either. I would never abandon a child. But to do the right thing that meant hurting Beth. That meant taking what was left of her heart and stepping on it like it didn't matter.

When it did matter.

Beth's heart the most important thing to me.

"Fuck," I said and I slapped the wall.

I pushed away, turned the water off and hurried to get dressed.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could go without seeing Beth.

Even if things weren't going to work out the way I wanted, I needed to see her. Part of me wanted to explode. I knew why she was upset but I wanted to ask how in the hell this was my fault?

The doorbell rang.

If things couldn't get any stranger, seeing Amy standing outside the door of the house she used to call home topped it all off.

She was the same old Amy, not that I expected her to look different. It hadn't been years since we last saw each other.

"Amy," I said.

"I'm sorry about how this happened," she blurted right out. "I shouldn't have…"

"It's fine," I said. "You needed my attention. You got it."

I swallowed hard and backed up.

She stepped into the house and started to look around.

Looking for what was different than the last time she was here.

Nothing was different.

Except the smell of the bedsheets. Because they smelled like Beth.

I rubbed my jaw. "Look, I'm trying to figure out the right thing to say and to do here with all of this."

"Can we just sit down and talk?" Amy asked.

"Sure."

She sat in her normal chair at the table. I thought about all the times we sat at the table. For coffee. For meals. To talk. To laugh. To have a stupid game's night for three weeks before it stopped happening.

Everything we had tried to build together and it was never right.

It was never meant to be.

And now she was pregnant.

"House looks good," Amy said.

I laughed. "Come on. Save the small talk. You're not passing through town for coffee. We know why you're here."

Amy nodded. "Right. Things really didn't end well between us, did they?"

"No," I said. "And before we get into anything, I'll take the blame on that. I feel like I used you, Amy. And I'm sorry for that. I never had any intention of moving to New York. Ever. And even before that… just know though anything I said I meant. I mean with how I felt. There was a time-"

"Leith, I came to tell you something in person," Amy cut in. "And I have to just say it."

"Okay."

"I'm pregnant," she said.

"You've made that point very clear."

"Leith."

"Sorry."

I showed my hands and kept my lips shut.

Amy stood up.

She played with her hands.

She only does that when something is very wrong.

I wondered if Amy lost the baby. Like Beth. And if Amy was here looking for comfort.

"I had always wanted to go to New York. That was my plan. That was the plan. I met you and I put that plan on hold. But not forever. I couldn't wait forever to take the chance."

Amy paused.

I nodded.

"Going out there…" She sighed. "I met someone else."

Now I stood up. "What?"

"The first time I went out there. For that long weekend."

"I remember. I offered to go and you said not to."

"Leith, I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Wait a second," I chuckled. "You're here to tell me you cheated on me?"

"Leith…"

"No. Just say it. We were never meant to be together, Amy. Right? We used each other. I don't know what I was to you though."

"You were the edge," she said. "Okay? Your size and look. Your attitude. You sort of pulled me away from myself. Which gave me a chance to figure out what I really wanted. To make sure I wasn't being impulsive."

"So fucking someone else wasn't impulsive."

"It's not just that."

"Then what else? What else would you come here for?"

Amy's eyes filled with tears. "The baby isn't yours, Leith."

It wasn't exactly relief. It wasn't exactly anger either. It was some kind of mix of it all. Looking at Amy, realizing what she had done. But yet at the same time it wasn't as though I was faithful to her. Not that I ever cheated on her, but my heart had always been saved for someone else. We were both bad people for what we did.

She wiped tears off her cheeks. She took a deep breath. "I wanted to face you. To tell you the truth in person. So there would be no question of it all."

"I have to ask… how do you…"

"Trust me," she said. "Do you really want to think back to the last time we slept together? You realize how long ago that was?"

I gritted my teeth.

It had been a long time.

Even when Amy was getting ready to leave for New York, we had our last night together but it wasn't like that. We didn't sleep together. We did other things.

I put my hands to the table and sucked in a breath.

"I'm so sorry, Leith. But when I got out there and knew it was home…"

"You were drunk that one night you called me," I said. "You were pissed at me. I heard a voice in the background. You thought I fell asleep on the phone, but I didn't."

Amy closed her eyes. "Shit."

"Shit," I said. "Did you even have a job interview?"

"Yes," Amy said sternly. "Yes. I have a job, Leith. I have a life."

"And you have someone you love?"

"Yeah, I do."

I nodded. "So do I, Amy. If we're confessing it all. I'm in love with someone else."

"Oh," she said. "Wow."

"It's a long story and it doesn't involve you."

"Right. Of course. I wouldn't even ask."

"You could have told me about the pregnancy differently," I said.

"I wanted to face you. Explain myself. I didn't want you to think I was a… a whore."

I laughed. "You always care about what people think, Amy. And if they don't fit your mold, you cut them out of your life."

"Are we going to give out life advice now?" Amy asked.

I had a lot I could have said to her.

My eyes looked at her stomach and I shook my head. "Sorry. You're right. You came here for a good purpose. I appreciate that."

"I have to go," she said. "I just came…"

"I don't really care," I said. "As long as you're sure the baby isn't mine."

"Believe me, Leith."

"I do then."

I pushed from the table and walked Amy to the door.

We didn't even hug. We just say goodbye and she walked away as though she were a stranger. And sadly, she really was a stranger to me. And I was to her.

I shut the door and backed up and looked around my own house.

My heart ached a little.

It was the second time in my life that I thought I was going to become a father and it didn't happen. My heart twisted because Beth was somewhere thinking I was a father.

I tried to call her but she didn't answer.

I left my house and went to find her.

But as I saw the house again, I started to nod.

An idea came to me.

One that was completely crazy. One that would change everything about my life.

And there was only one person in the world who would understand it.

Beth…

When her door opened and it wasn't Beth, I looked at the door to make sure I hadn't gone to the wrong apartment.

"You're not Beth," I said.

"No. I'm Dani."

"Dani. I'm Leith."

Her eyes widened. "Leith…"

"I, uh, I need to talk to Beth. Right now. She's not answering her phone."

"Well, she's not here," Dani said.

"Can I ask what you're doing here?"

"Beth and I are best friends. I'm sure you know that, right?"

"Yeah. I've heard your name a few times. I hope you're doing okay."

Dani's cheeks turned red. "I'll survive. I spent the night because she needed a friend."

"Right. And I'm sure I look like a total asshole right now in front of you. But I can promise you anything said was wrong."

"Are you calling Beth a liar?"

"No," I said. "Not at all, Dani. Things just aren't what they seem. This is how it always happens with us. You know?"

"I don't know what I know," Dani said.

"Well, I'll tell you then. This is exactly what happens to us. We get ripped apart all the time. By the dumbest stuff. Okay? Her father hated me so much and kept us apart. And when we had a chance to be together, she got pregnant."

"What?"

"But it didn't last."

"Oh, I didn't…"

"And then we grew distant. She got tied up with Joel. She married him. I ended up with someone else. And it was never the right thing for both of us."

"Leith, stop talking," Dani said.

"What? I'll keep going. I'll stand here and wait for her to come home. You want to go text her? Call her? Go ahead. I'm not losing her. I can't lose her."

"I'm going to hate myself for this, but I really don't care," Dani said. "I'm tired. I'm weak. I feel like shit."

"Wait a second," I said. "Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"

"Are you really this cool and nice or just playing a show for me?"

"There's no show. Beth said you have cancer. And you had to get surgery. What can I do to help you right now?"

Dani rolled her eyes. "Ten feet tall with muscles and a heart. If I find out you're full of shit, Leith, I swear I will kill you with my bare hands."

"I'm full of shit. Trust me. But when it comes to Beth, nothing is ever as real."

"Fine," she said. "She went to get coffee. Not far from here. You didn't hear that from me."

Dani started to close the door and put my hand to it. "Thank you. I love her. I've always loved her."

"And she's always loved you," Dani said. "You're the terrible secret she's hidden for so long."

"Are you really okay?"

"I have no idea, Leith. I won't know for a while. Is that good enough for you?"

"No. It's not. But thank you again."

I moved my hand and the door shut.

Coffee?

I drove into town and parked across from the first coffee place I saw. It was a little cozy place. The kind where I could see Beth going. Maybe she was there to write a song or something. Or maybe she was just sitting there alone with her thoughts.

I was going to break up those thoughts with the truth.

There was no reason for us to let anything else get in the way.

And I knew how many times I had said that before.

But Beth was all I ever wanted.

I crossed the street to a car blaring its horn at me. I didn't even bother to throw the middle finger.

When I saw Beth through the large front window, I stopped and smiled.

But that smile faded really fast.

Beth wasn't writing a song or sitting alone with her thoughts.

She was having coffee with her ex-husband.