Chapter 38

Shuttin' Doors and Slippin' Rocks…

NOW

(Beth)

The last thing I ever wanted to do was have coffee with Joel. Or have anything with Joel for that matter. But in some odd way it felt like the right thing to do. I hadn't been able to sleep much. Or think much. Or do much of anything. It could have been weeks since Leith left my apartment after he found out Amy was pregnant. Or it could have just been hours. I was happy Dani could be there for me. Right to the point where she told me I needed to close the door on Joel once and for all.

Then she told me something I never thought I'd hear.

Maybe it's time to close both doors for good, if you know what I mean.

I knew what that meant.

Both doors.

Not just Joel, but someone else too.

That someone else was going to be forever in the way of whatever I wanted or needed in life.

I loved Leith though. It wasn't easy to just let someone go and get over them. I really had to think this Amy thing out. Because either way I was going to lose. If Leith did the right thing and became a father, then I'd watch him give his love to another. And he had to do that. Or if he decided to walk away from Amy, then he'd always have this sort of black cloud over his head, being the man who walked away from the woman he got pregnant.

I hated the entire situation.

I hated that it made me think about the past. And his reaction when I found out I was pregnant. The surprise of a lifetime for us. The look on his face never left my memory. And I knew he worked hard to get us the apartment I wanted. And then everything fell apart.

Joel came back to the small table and sat down.

"Anything else you want to talk about?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just need to close this door for good. So there's no confusion."

"Trust me, Bethany, there is no confusion," he said. "You were sad and wild when I met you. You were this sense of crazy fun that I enjoyed. I thought we were getting closer. I thought we were in love."

"I already told you-"

"I know what you said," Joel said. "I rushed everything too. Somewhere in my head I thought if we were married everything would finally settle. I pictured us buying a house, Beth. Settling into our careers. Having kids. Yeah, we'd always have those past memories and wonders and regrets, but so what? Who doesn't? The thing is… you can't just be that."

"Be what?" I asked.

"You can't do what you think you're doing right now. Closing the door."

Joel made air quotes around the words closing the door . Then he offered a smart ass grin.

"Joel, I never meant to hurt you or myself."

"I'm sorry I lied to you about your necklace," he said. "I just found a way to get to you. I knew how much that meant."

I casually studied his face.

There were no memories of his fight with Leith. In some way I wish there were no memories of Joel all together. It should have never fallen apart with Leith. Then these other hearts wouldn't have been dragged into this and left shattered.

"So that's what you wanted today?" Joel asked. "To apologize and talk about everything we already knew?"

"Yes," I said. "Because I never want to talk to you again, Joel. Or see you again. I want you and me to delete each other's numbers. We have no reason to ever talk again."

Joel's eyes widened. He slowly stood up. "Right. You know, I'm dumb enough to almost think for a second that maybe you were coming to your senses."

"What does that mean?"

"You dreamed of running off with someone else for so long… and that's why we never worked out. Here I thought you realized that would never happen."

"Sorry, Joel," I said. "I just needed to make this right in my own heart."

He chuckled. "It was always about your heart. Always."

"Joel…"

He turned and walked away.

He exited through the back of the coffeeshop and I sat there for another minute alone.

If that was supposed to help things, it didn't.

Joel and I were always wrong together. He spent every ounce of his energy trying to change me. And I spent every ounce of my energy trying to convince myself I could really love him.

And nothing worked.

All I did was waste time.

We both wasted time.

No.

It was more than both of us.

There were two other hearts involved too, even if it wasn't directly.

Everything just completely wasted time.

All for two souls to try and forget about one another, which was never meant to happen.

I lowered my head and needed to decide what to do next. Keep fueling up on caffeine and let my mind race. Or go home and crawl back into bed until it was time go to work.

"Just wondering if this seat is taken?" a voice asked.

I lifted my head and my gaze kept going up, up, and up.

Leith pulled out the chair where Joel had been sitting.

My lips parted but I didn't know what to say.

It wasn't the first time he left me speechless.

"I sort of had two choices there," Leith said.

"What do you mean?"

"You were with your ex."

"Oh."

Leith just stared at me.

Why do we keep falling apart, Leith? What is it… is this fate telling us to stay away?

"It wasn't what you thought," I said.

"It's not my business to ask."

"But you want to know."

"Of course I do," he said. "I came to talk to you. To explain everything."

"And what is there to explain?"

"Everything, Beth," he said. I watched his right hand twitch as he slid it forward two inches but stopped. "Everything has been taken out of context. That's what always happens to us, isn't it?"

"I don't know what always happens to us," I said. "Dani told you I was here, didn't she?"

"I'm not going to say anything to that," Leith said. "I just needed to talk to you."

"And you saw me with Joel. I'm surprised you didn't storm in here and beat him up."

"See, that was one of the two choices I had," Leith said. "Storm in and knock him on his ass again. But I realized it didn't matter anymore. He was never the one for you, angel. He just filled time and space. And in a way, I sort of feel sorry for the guy."

I sighed and laughed at the same time. "What does that mean for me? What kind of person am I to do that then?"

"That's the crazy part, Beth. I love you for it. I love you when you're crazy."

Leith reached for my hand but I moved it away.

I shook my head. "Leith…"

"She's not pregnant with my kid," he said so casually.

"What?"

"You heard me."

I shook my head. "I'm confused."

"I'm not," Leith said. "It was never meant to be for a while, Beth. I told you that already. When Amy and I were on the same path, it worked for that reason alone. Teaching at the same school. Living in the same house. That's all it was. She went to New York for a quick trip and met someone."

I gasped. "Leith…"

"Hey, it's okay. She's happy. She has someone. And she is pregnant. It's not mine."

My head started to spin. "So…"

"There's nothing to hide here, Beth. Amy and I weren't together for a while. Okay? Things were falling apart and I already knew what I was going to do to her. It was wrong. But it was the only way to really let her go for good. So she went to New York, expecting me to follow. And I had no intention of following. And truthfully she knew that. She wanted me to stay. So she could have her thing out there."

"I don't know what to say right now, Leith. I mean, I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"For what happened."

"I was wrong, Beth."

"I know you were wrong," I said. "But I'm still sorry. Everything changed for you because of her."

"The same way Joel changed you," he threw at me. "Because we wanted to hide from what we always knew."

"And what did we always know, Leith?"

"That we belonged together. That we loved each other."

I turned my head and looked out the window. A quiet little, small-town street. But nothing felt quiet or little in my heart.

Everything actually hurt.

It wasn't relief. It wasn't happiness.

It just hurt.

"And you know what?" Leith asked.

"What?" I asked without looking at him.

"You were right. About the way I acted when you said you were pregnant."

I snapped my head back and looked at Leith. "What?"

"I was wrong. I was just in my own world with you. And I wanted nothing to change it. I was doing everything I could think of to get you to be with me. To live with me. So we could have everything we've ever wanted. And when you said you were pregnant, all I could think about was my grandmother. That she raised me. Because I had no parents. I had no idea what it meant to be a father or a parent. The only thing that made sense was to give you everything you wanted. That meant a new apartment. That meant making sense of it… and I ruined it. I didn't celebrate. I didn't buy you flowers. I didn't scoop you up and cheer. I just didn't know what to think or do."

I reached across the table for Leith's hand. "I didn't know that."

"Of course you didn't. We lost each other, Beth. The same old thing ripping us apart."

"I was scared out of my mind too," I confessed. "I never meant to go alone. I just… I just needed to know what was happening. And truthfully, when they said I wasn't pregnant, I had the worst feeling of guilt ever. Because I was able to exhale the breath I had been holding all along. And I hated myself for that. What kind of mother would I have been? And I leaned on you, Leith. I leaned on you to show emotion and you didn't either. You were drunk. I was hurt. We were both angry but couldn't say it."

"But here we are," he said.

"Here we are."

"I don't think there's anything left to say or figure out, angel."

"Is that so?" I asked.

"I love you, Beth. I've loved you from the first time you danced on a table and tried to flash everyone."

I grinned. "I've loved you from the first time you pulled me off that table and made me go outside."

"You could have still flashed me at least."

"Want me to flash you right now?"

"Of course I do."

I laughed and shook my head.

I sighed.

"Leith…"

"You know what? Fuck this place. This is too grown up here."

Leith stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere," he said. "I want you to follow me. Please."

"Mr. Teacher has nice manners," I teased.

When I stood up, Leith all but pounced on me.

Holding me tight against his body, his lips an inch from mine.

"You're going to follow me, angel. I'm taking you somewhere where we can make this thing right again. And right for good."

"Is that so?" I asked.

"Don't fuck me with me," Leith warned.

He let me go and left the coffeeshop.

It took me a few seconds to catch my breath.

And then I had to make the biggest decision of my life.

Follow him. Or go the other way.

That decision had already been made a long time ago.

"Are you kidding me?" I called to Leith as he walked from the side of the road into the trees.

He didn't respond, making it pretty much known I needed to follow him to get any kind of answer from him about anything.

He was taking me down to the creek one more time.

That almost forbidden spot where we'd always meet up.

The spot I begged him to take me to the first night we met again. Where I twisted my ankle and swore it was broken.

Going back to all the beginnings.

I followed him down to the water where he stood.

"Now what?" I asked him.

Leith took my hand we stood side by side. "Now we decide for good, Beth. All or nothing. There's no in between with us. It's all or nothing."

"We always say that," I said.

"And look what we've gone through. We can take it all on and just live. Finally. For once." Leith turned his head. "You're all I've ever wanted, Beth."

"You keep saying that."

"I'll say it every single day until you really understand it."

"Maybe instead of saying it… you should show it."

"Yeah?" asked. "Fine."

He moved fast, stepping out of his shoes and tossing his keys and phone to the ground. He jumped forward and stepped across the rocks. He turned halfway across the creek pointed at me.

"What are you doing?"

"Right here," he said. "Let's go. Get out here, Beth."

"You're crazy, Leith."

"I'll stand here all day and wait for you."

I shook my head. "I'm sorry for getting so upset and making you leave. More than once."

"I don't care about that," Leith said. "That was the past."

"It just happened…"

"In the past," Leith called out. "Now get your ass out here with me. Let's go, Bethany."

"Bethany?" I asked. "Wow."

"Now," he said, cupping his hands over his mouth.

I laughed.

I licked my bottom lip and looked down at my feet.

I shut my eyes and stepped out of my shoes. I put my keys and phone down to the ground.

With my arms stuck out for balance, I walked across the rocks to get to Leith.

The memories called to me and laughed with the sound of the rushing water.

All the times Leith and I kissed near this water or in this water. All the times we sipped drinks, felt buzzed and laughed. All the times we flirted with other people to make each other jealous.

"You know, this is a terrible idea," I said.

"I know," he said.

My right foot slipped and I screamed.

Leith grabbed me at the last second, pulling me tight to him.

"Saved you," he whispered.

"Yeah. You did."

He brushed his lips to mine.

I shut my eyes and kissed him back.

"I swear I love you," he said. "And I'm going to love you for the rest of my life. There's no escaping it."

"When you say that, my heart races."

"Good."

"I want it, Leith. Everything from you. Even if it's crazy and we somehow keep getting hurt."

"We won't get hurt, angel. A little wet, but not hurt."

"Wet?" I asked.

Leith smirked.

My eyes went wide.

But it was too late.

I stepped from the rock into the water, taking me with him.

It was fucking cold.

I screamed again as he lowered us down.

I dug my nails into his back as he laughed at me.

"I am so pissed at you right now, Leith," I cried out at him.

"But not enough to keep from kissing me, right?"

I put my hands into the water and then slapped his face. "Never."

We kissed each other as we stood in the creek water.

There weren't enough words to tell him how I felt.

And maybe there wasn't even enough time.

But what we had… it worked.

And what we had… was right now.