Chapter 36

All the Places I'll Never Call Home…

THEN

(Leith)

I was dead tired by three in the afternoon. Working as many shifts as I could to keep up with the cost of living wasn't the easiest thing to do. But the apartment Beth had fallen in love with made it worth the effort. The plan was to get settled into the new apartment and then made peace with her father. Because I was sure the guy wanted to set up a crime scene and have me put away for a long time. Or maybe have me at the bottom of a river.

Which I understood.

But it was too late for petty bullshit now.

Beth was pregnant. She was going to have a baby and we were going to be a family. In my heart, it was easy to figure out. Either Tim would be a grandfather or he would be a bitter asshole and mess up things with his grandkid and his daughter. That was his decision to make.

Not mine.

Beth hadn't been feeling well the last two days so on my way home I stopped at the gas station and loaded up on chocolate. She told me if I ever skipped over chocolate for flowers she would leave me. I already knew that about her though. Whether she liked it or not I knew damn near everything about her.

I walked through the door and looked around at the mostly empty apartment.

I told her it was too fast. But she fell in love with the new place and wanted it right now. Then she threw at me that it would be our first place together and that sealed the deal in my heart.

I had to carefully sign the paperwork for the new place and then break the lease on the old place. That gave us almost no time to get out of the old place because they were a little pissed at me for breaking the lease.

Beth sat at the table and was hugging herself.

She looked tired.

Almost sad.

"Brought you something, angel," I said. "Cleared the shelf of all the chocolate."

I put the bag on the table and she looked up at me.

She blinked fast and her eyes filled with tears.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Still not feeling good?"

"Leith… we need to talk."

"We need to talk?" I asked. I looked around the apartment.

"Everything is going to be okay for us," Beth said. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"I need to go though. Right now. Just for a little bit."

"Go where?"

"Just a little distance," she said.

"Why?"

"Because I said so," she snapped.

She stood up and started to walk away.

I looked at the bag of chocolate and the intense exhaustion of work and life hit me.

I chased after Beth. "Wait a second. You can't just walk away when you're tired or sick. We're in this together."

"Oh yeah?" she asked. "Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore."

"Worry about what?"

"Us," she said.

"What's wrong with us?"

"There's nothing there, Leith," she said. "Okay? There… maybe there never was."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

Beth put her hand to the doorknob. She really wanted to leave.

"I made an appointment to get checked today," she said. "Things just didn't feel right. Then again, what do I know? So the right thing is to get checked out. I'm sorry, Leith, but there's no baby."

The words hit my chest first, then my gut.

I stepped back. "What?"

"There's no baby. They told me there might have been for a moment but not now. Or something with my body having enough of something to make a pregnancy test positive. But there is nothing there. In fact… I… I'm no longer late."

I shut my eyes.

I swallowed hard.

"You can't just leave then," I said. I opened my eyes. "We have to talk about this, angel. I just uprooted my entire life for this."

"This?"

"You know what I mean. For us. For you. For our family."

"There was no family," Beth said. "It's like my body lied to me. Just like you did."

"Me? What did I do?"

"I saw your face. The entire time. This isn't what you wanted."

"Don't you do this, Beth. I'm sorry this didn't work out. But I've been working my ass off to make this right for you and us. To give you what you wanted."

"Exactly. What I wanted. It's not what you wanted, right?"

I opened my mouth but had no idea what to say.

I thought I was coming home to move boxes.

Instead, Beth opened the door and left.

I slammed my hand to the door and felt my heart begging me to chase after her.

But I just stood there.

Let her go… just let her go…

When Tim opened the door and looked at me, his lip snarled. He looked old and tired. I wasn't some seventeen year old punk looking to pick up his daughter either. Things were different. Then again, he still had that same angry look on his face like he wanted to hurt me.

"You know why I'm here," I said.

"And you know what I'm going to say," he said to me.

"I just need to know she's okay."

"She's home. She's fine."

"I just need-"

"You need to walk away here, Leith. I don't know what you did to her, but at some point I still get to step in and make things right."

"What I did?"

"You're telling me she's upset over nothing?"

I froze in place.

She never told him. She never told her father about the pregnancy test.

"Silence, huh?" Tim asked. "You finally run out of hot air?"

"Not even close," I said.

"Think you need to leave now," Tim said.

"She's here though?"

"She's where she needs to be. She's home. And when she finally realizes you're nothing but trouble for herself, she'll get her life figured out."

"I'm sure she will," I said. "You never gave me a fair shot, Tim."

"You never needed one."

"You hurt her by what you did."

"Don't tell me about hurting my daughter," he growled. "Now get the fuck out of here for good."

I backed away and Tim slammed the door.

My mind gave me two choices.

Go to a bar and get drunk.

Or go to one of the apartments I was paying for and get drunk.

Because there wasn't much else I could do. Beth had read the truth all over my face. I had no clue what it meant to be a father. That didn't mean I wasn't going to figure it out. But what did she want me to do? I would always take care of her. And the baby. Our baby. My baby.

Only that wasn't true anymore.

And she did it all by herself.

She wasn't feeling right. She called the doctor. She went by herself. She got the news by herself.

And now she was back home by herself.

So I stopped for something to drink and picked a place to lose myself.

I didn't want to lose Beth for good.

The apartment door opened as I sat with my back against the wall.

It was too big of a place for just me. It was too nice too. That's why it was so damn expensive. But when it came to thinking about a baby being around, the place being big, nice and safe mattered a lot.

Beth stepped into the apartment and I hurried to try and stand.

My balance wasn't perfect but I managed to get to my feet.

"Beth," I said.

"What are you doing? Celebrating?"

"Yeah right," I said. "I'm trying to figure out what to do now. You should be here with me. In this place. We can be here together."

"That's what you want, right? Just me?"

"No," I said. I stepped toward her. "I wanted everything. I still do. You sang a song and then told me you were pregnant. What did you want me to do? I had no idea it was coming. And then you did everything today by yourself."

Beth stared up at me. "Is this us? Always scrambling and fighting? Making bad decisions?"

"There's nothing bad about this," I said to her.

I touched her arms and pulled her close for a hug.

Beth fell into me and started to cry.

Oh, that felt so good. So damn good.

I held her tight and took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry about this," I whispered. "What feels right and wrong. What could have been."

"Me too," she said.

She broke the hug and looked up at me. She touched my face.

"I have to figure out what to do with this place now," I said. My voice slurred. "I don't want to fucking live here. I can't kill myself for this place. You know?"

"You said we should stay," Beth said.

"Not here, Beth. Fuck this place. Fuck my other place too. I think I'm homeless." I laughed. "Maybe I could live with you and your father. That's one way to wear him down."

"You're just drunk, Leith," she said. "I should get drunk too. I wanted to check on you."

"Yeah, well, look at me. Am I doing great now? You took off… like you always do."

The words spilled from me.

Goddamn whiskey.

"Oh, this is great now," Beth said. "You want to do this?"

"Do what? You accused me of not caring. Look what you did today."

"Fuck you, Leith."

"Yeah. Fuck me. I just chased after you for so long. I just cheered you on each time you sang a song. And the second you said you were pregnant, I was the one wide awake thinking of where we were going to live. So don't give me a damn thing, Beth."

"Maybe you should sober up and try that again," Beth said.

"Maybe you should figure this out."

I walked to the door.

"Leith…"

I opened the door and looked back. "Don't worry, angel, you know I'll always love you. Drunk or sober, it won't matter. I'll always love you."

"Just tell me the truth, Leith. You weren't excited."

"I was terrified."

"You did all of this because you felt you had to. Not because you wanted to."

"I was doing the right thing for you."

"I don't want the right thing," Beth said. "I want what's real."

"And I guess what's real is you just doing things on your own. Your own way. The way you've always done it."

"I'm hurt, Leith."

"Yeah. So am I."

I left the apartment.

I couldn't drive, so I went for a walk.

I lost track of time and when I got back to the apartment, Beth was gone.

And a feeling of loss went through me that I hadn't felt before.

I'd always love her.

I'd always find a way back to her.

That was just our destiny.

The only question that lingered now was the hardest to answer.

When?