Chapter 19

Stubborn, Crazy, Beautiful, Kiss…

NOW

(Leith)

After a few drinks, the whiskey stopped burning.

Jessie stood at the bar and kept looking from me to Beth.

"Don't think anything you shouldn't," I said. "Just pour me another drink."

"I think you're good, Leith," Jessie said.

"I'll drive him home," Beth said. "Don't worry about it."

"I can see your eyes," I said to Jessie.

"Good because they're open," Jessie said.

"Are they?"

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"I'm sorry to you. And for you."

"For me?" Jessie asked.

I stood up.

"Leith, what are you doing?" Beth asked.

"Jessie is cool. She's tough. But she didn't go to the right college or get the right job. And then she got pregnant. And the guy didn't stick around."

"Wow, thanks for sharing that with everyone," Jessie said.

"Leith, you're an asshole," Beth said.

"Fuck me then," I said. "I'm an asshole. So be it. But that's not the point. The point is that… is that… Amy stopped being friends with you, Jessie." I looked right at her. "She judged you and hurt you. And that's not cool."

"Oh, jeez, Leith," Jessie said. "Is that what this is about?"

Jessie lifted the ring off the bar and showed it to me.

My heart and head and stomach were kind of in a wrestling match. Like the kind I used to watch when I was younger. My grandmother liked professional wrestling. Steel chairs. Cage matches.

I was angry. I was drunk. I was ready to fight someone. Anyone. I never wanted to teach another day in my life. I wanted to get rid of my house. I wanted to hug Jessie with all my might because I never stuck up for her. I wanted to tell Beth I was sorry for leaving her after what happened with the pregnancy, but the past was gone and I couldn't fix it no matter what.

"It's fine, Leith," Jessie said. "Everything is fine. I don't talk to her. You know that. It's just a lie we both tell each other. I only ever said something about her to you as a courtesy. I think she's a bitch."

"Ha," I said and slapped the bar.

"Okay, drunky, let's get you out of here," Beth said.

"I will leave when I'm damn ready," I said. I reached in my pocket and took out money. Just like my normal routine would be. I stretched my arm out for Jessie. "This is yours. And you're amazing. And you're a good mother. And a great bartender. And you should be happy with yourself and your life."

Jessie took the money. "Wow, Leith. You really have to get out of here."

"Are you two going to fuck now?" Beth blurted out.

"Excuse me?" Jessie asked. "I have never…"

"She gets jealous," I said about Beth. "She means well. But she'll fight you."

I stepped back and put up my fists, then laughed.

Nobody else was laughing though.

I was officially the drunk moron at a bar causing problems. When all I wanted to do was the right thing. It wasn't fair the way Amy treated Jessie. And it wasn't fair that I lost so much time of my life not being with Beth.

Jessie walked away, leaving the ring on the bar.

I turned my head and Beth was already at the door.

I put my head back and laughed.

I didn't care who was near me, who saw me or who heard me.

"Hey, man, you okay?" someone finally asked.

"Fucking great," I said without looking at who said it.

I left the bar, telling myself I needed a new Thursday night hangout place.

I was too far gone to even think about driving.

And I was a pretty damn good distance from home too.

Once again, I started to laugh.

Because of Beth I'd be walking miles and miles in the middle of the night.

Hell, maybe the past was coming back to mess with me one more time.

I slid my hands into my pocket and started the daunting walk home.

"You're not walking," a voice said from behind me.

"Oh yeah?" I asked without turning.

"Yeah. I'm driving you. I at least owe you that. I'll pretend you weren't a fucking jerk in there just now."

I turned and kept my balance. "You have no idea."

"What? That you looked ready to dive over that bar and kiss that woman?"

"No. Not Jessie. I'm the asshole for not having her back. That's all, Beth. You're jealous of everything. You always have been. Always will be."

"Maybe because you couldn't keep your word to me. Ever."

"Ever?"

"Yeah. You told me you'd never leave. How many times did you leave?"

I curled my lip. "Most of that wasn't my fault."

"Doesn't matter."

"I walked to you," I said. "Do you not remember that? The first thing I did when I got a car was come to you. And when all that high school shit finally went away, we were together."

"Until we weren't, Leith. Until things got…"

My eyes looked down at her stomach and then back up. "No. That's not the truth. You're making up what you want to hear and you want me to say it to you."

"Just get in my car so I can take you home."

"You don't know where I live."

"Then I'll take you back to my place."

I laughed. "You sure that's what you want, Beth? You want to jump right back into everything?"

"I'm not leaving without you."

I waited a few seconds. "Stubborn."

"Asshole," Beth said.

"Crazy."

"Fuckhead."

"Beautiful…"

The word slipped from my lips.

"Not me," she said. "You're thinking of someone else."

I walked toward her. My hands touched her face. "I was only thinking of someone else when I was with someone else."

"Does that make sense?"

"To me, it does."

"Leith, just get in-"

I pressed my lips to hers.

And I didn't pull away like last week.

This time, I parted her lips with mine…

It was never just a kiss with Beth. That was a terrible lie we both told ourselves and each other.

And here she was, driving a car with me sitting in the passenger seat, too drunk for my own good. I had done the cliché thing after a breakup. I had gone to a bar and gotten wasted on whiskey and memories. Except the memories weren't about the person I had broken up with.

I rubbed my forehead as I leaned forward, almost resting it on the dashboard of the car. For about three seconds, I thought about my lesson plan for Friday. The whole notion of actually being a teacher still got to me. That I cared. That I enjoyed it. That I wanted to do it.

I looked over at Beth and wondered what things would have been like if we hadn't walked away from each other.

"Beth…"

"Just don't talk," she said. "I'm trying to figure this out."

"Nothing to figure out," I said.

"What the hell are you doing right now?" Beth asked.

"Going to find a place to sleep this off."

"Sleep what off? You haven't said much, Leith."

"You really want me to talk about everything?"

"I don't know. I…"

"I was set up with Amy," I said. "Okay? She was a teacher. I was a teacher. It was this cute romantic thing. On our first date, she found out I smoked and told me it was a dealbreaker. She seemed so quiet and pretty and yet in that moment she was fierce as anything. Reminded me of you." I rubbed my jaw. Now it's making sense… "So I stopped smoking on the spot."

"On a first date?" Beth asked.

"Yeah."

"That's a hell of a way to kick things off."

"I know, right? It paid off though."

"Great. You gave up smoking so she'd fuck you."

"No," I said. "Yeah. I don't know… I just… it was my chance to just move forward."

"Forward," Beth said.

"You had already moved forward," I said.

"Oh, fuck you, Leith. I will pull this car over and kick your ass out."

"It's the truth," I said. "You know it. You ran right to Joel. And I never understood it. It was you rubbing it in my face. That you had someone new. And then you married him…"

"Get out of my car," Beth said.

"No."

"Leith, I swear…"

"You swear. I swear. Everyone swears."

"You're such an asshole right now," Beth said. "This is why we never worked out. Everything gets held in and then explodes. It was different when we were younger. But then we became adults. And it just didn't work."

I reached for her hand and slipped my fingers into hers. "I'm sorry for what you went through, angel. I'm sorry you married Joel. I'm sorry you divorced him."

Beth shook me away. "No. That's all done. I'm okay with what's done, Leith. The question is… are you?"

I slowly nodded. The road before me was a little bit of a blur. And that was okay with me. It was okay to have things blurry. Because I had Beth next to me.

"She was a sense of normal," I said in a normal tone. "I hadn't given up smoking because it was just another thing that reminded me of you. So, for her I became the guy who didn't smoke. I got offered a teaching job. And things just worked out. That was it. We danced around each other's flaws. We both knew…"

"You both knew what?" Beth asked.

"You know what? Who cares?"

"That's it then? Who cares? You got drunk just to come to the conclusion of who cares?"

"Yes," I said.

"If you say so," Beth said.

She pulled into a parking lot and went around the building, then parked in a spot labeled number forty-two. It was a tan, brick, three-story building with ugly green doors and an off-yellow light that looked half burned out shining on the door.

"You can sleep in the car if you want," she said. "But I'm not carrying your ass upstairs."

"Upstairs. Third floor?"

"Yeah."

"Shit."

"There might be a blanket in the trunk."

"Hey," I said, turning my head, smiling. "We can sleep in the car together. Remember we always talked about doing that?"

"I don't have a sunroof though," she said. She put her head back on her seat and looked at me the same way I was looking at her. "That was the thing. I wanted to sleep in the back seat of your car and look out the sunroof at the stars."

"Oh, I can show you stars, angel," I said.

Beth laughed. "Drunk and talking dirty. There's the old Leith. Good to see you."

I reached for her hand again.

She didn't pull away.

"Beth… there's not a day I don't think about you. Or us. The last I heard you were married. And I figured if you married someone… and you were happy…"

"Then you figured wrong," Beth said.

She pulled her hand away and got out of the car.

I exhaled a long breath and caught myself laughing again.

This was just like falling in love with her the first time.

And we all knew the ending to that story.

Her apartment was cozy. As soon as she opened the door, you were able to see the entire place. The living room opened to the dining room - which was a corner - and then the kitchen. Then there was a small hallway with a few other doors.

"Do you want some water?" Beth asked.

"How about something stiffer?"

"I think you've reached your limit."

Beth turned the heavy deadbolt lock and twisted the smaller one on the doorknob itself.

When she turned around, I was right there.

Drunk or not, my eyes were set on her.

"Leith…"

I moved down and my hands slipped around to the small of her back. She melted into me as my lips touched hers again. At the same time our lips parted and we sighed at each other. Both knowing we were once again trying to navigate the line of right and wrong.

But she tasted so good.

Her lips were as sweet as ever.

Her tongue eager, mine stronger as I took control of the kiss.

She tightened her hands to my shirt as I started to step back.

I took her with me, keeping her body against mine.

When I found the couch, I sat down.

There was a second where she stood and I sat.

She looked down at me, her black hair falling in front of her face. Bringing back memories that only I knew about. The kind that made me heart feel as though it were going to explode.

Everything inside me felt alive. Parts of myself that were once lost were suddenly found.

That one second could have been twelve hours the way I studied everything about her.

She moved fast, tucking her hair behind her ears.

Then she was on top of me.

She straddled me, her hands touching my shoulders but quickly moving away, touching the wall behind the couch.

My hands touched her sides and raced up, my thumb grazing under the swell of her breasts over her shirt.

I sat up straight and put my hands to her back to keep her from falling off the couch.

We kissed again, at eye level.

The sound was sloppy but it was perfect. The kiss I had been missing for such a long time.

Beth dug her nails in at the top of my back.

I kissed her harder, groaning and growling in the back of my throat.

She broke the kiss and put her head back, giving me her neck.

The tip of my tongue slid along her neck. I went to the top of her shirt and moved back up. My right hand spread wide to her back and I pulled her closer. I wanted her. I wanted her in a way that I hadn't felt in such a long time.

With my feet flat on the floor, I pushed, ready to stand up and take her to her bedroom.

That's when Beth made a sudden move.

Her lips were back to being just hers.

She stood up but left her right hand on my shoulder.

She stared at me.

The look in her eyes able to playback a thousand hours of a time when I was happy.

"Shit," she whispered.

"Beth…"

"Let me get you a blanket and a pillow."

She licked her bottom lip. A place my lips had just been.

I slowly nodded.

"Thanks for letting me crash here."

"Of course," she said. "I'm always here."

Beth backed up and I grabbed her hand one last time. "I'm always here too, angel."