Chapter 20

Full Name, Full Heart…

NOW

(Beth)

I woke up way too early but couldn't help myself. All night long I tossed and turned with the images of Leith kissing me. The taste of the whiskey on his tongue. The things he made me feel because of those kisses. And me, of all people, able to resist and get out of a situation that could have been really explosive and bad.

Doing that left me lingering for him.

But he was hurt.

And I wasn't going to be some cheap, memory-filled rebound for him.

It was tempting, but I couldn't be that. Anything close to Leith was far too dangerous to be temporary or a quick fix. I wasn't even sure we could exist as something that resembled a friendship. Because when he moved in for a kiss I wouldn't be able to stop him.

I was barely able to stop myself last night.

I snuck out of the bedroom and gasped when I saw Leith standing at the dining room table with his phone in his hand.

"What are you doing awake so early?" I whispered as though other people were in the apartment sleeping.

"School day," he said.

"Oh. Right."

"I was just looking to get a ride back to my car," he said.

"I can drive you," I said.

"I didn't want to wake you."

"You just didn't want to come into my bedroom."

"That's true," Leith said with a grin.

"Pussy," I whispered.

"Don't start with me," he said. "It's too early."

"And you're hungover."

"Not even close."

I hurried toward him and jumped, pulling at his shoulder. My mouth was an inch from his ear and I screamed, "Are you sure?!" as loud as I could.

"Dammit," Leith growled as he turned away and covered his ear.

"What?" I asked. "Does that hurt your head?"

"What?" he asked.

"I said, does that hurt your head?"

Leith pointed to his ear. "Still can't hear you."

"I…"

I stopped.

Asshole.

He was messing with me.

Early in the morning.

Before coffee.

And I didn't mind it.

"Let me give you a ride home," I said. "I'll make a quick cup and-"

"I already ordered a ride," Leith said.

"Oh."

"No worries. I know how you get without coffee. Last thing I need is for you to be driving without proper caffeination. I remember that one time you had to get blood work done and you made that cop cry."

"That guy deserved it," I said. "He purposely held me up."

"You ran a stop sign."

"I coasted through it."

"You didn't stop."

"I was in a hurry."

"For coffee," Leith said.

"And your point?"

Leith reached for my hand and took it. "We should do this again."

"Do what?"

"All of it, angel."

I pulled my hand away. "You're lost. You're not running from another woman to me."

"I'm not running anywhere," he said. "I'm finally speaking the truth."

"And what's that?"

"Let's get together later. I don't have anything going on."

"Who says I'm free?"

"I'm asking," he said.

"You didn't ask. You told."

Leith stretched his neck. "Beth. What are you doing later?"

"Not sure," I said. "I'll have to check. Why?"

"I'll give you a call."

"Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?" I asked.

"I snooped and got your number."

"What?"

Leith nodded to the overflowing stack of bills on the end of the counter in the kitchen. Right on top was my cell bill.

In all honesty it should have pissed me off.

But in some way it was kind of cute. Sweet. Romantic.

It was Leith being Leith.

The charming, good boy who could flip a switch and be as wild as me.

I sucked in a deep breath.

"Every time we get tangled up, we get crazy and we end up hurt."

"Yeah, we do. But at least this time we didn't end up in bed together."

"That was always my favorite part."

Leith coughed. "I think I'm feeling a little under the weather. I can call in sick."

The temptation soared through me so much that I curled my toes into the carpet. "Just go. Please, Leith."

"Talk to you later, angel," he said.

He pulled at my hand and kissed it.

Then he walked out of my apartment with nothing but himself.

It was a little strange, sad, but yet so fitting.

I licked my bottom lip and told myself I wasn't going to rush to the window and watch him leave.

Like I did before.

I took one step and the phone started to ring from the bedroom.

I ran, thinking it was Leith.

My mind toyed with images of him actually calling off from school and spending the day with me. In bed. Catching up about moments lost and moments wasted with others who didn't deserve them.

It was Dani calling me.

And it was really early for her to be awake.

"Dani," I said into the phone. "Are you o-"

"I'm going to need your help right now, Bethany."

Bethany was my name when I was in trouble or when something was really wrong. I think Dani only called me Bethany three times in the time I knew her. The first was when she saw my actual name written down. The other two times had to do when things were going really bad with Joel and she needed to get my attention.

I left the apartment without coffee, the risk Leith didn't want to take.

He was already gone by then.

I couldn't wrap my head around what had happened or what was happening.

But first, I had to get to Dani.

She lived in a rundown kind of building on the opposite end of town. The apartments were all small studios, but it fit her personality so perfectly.

I was there faster than I thought I could be there. I probably committed enough traffic violations to lose my license for a little while, but I got lucky. Each time I did something and didn't get pulled over, I would look up and thank my father.

At Dani's, she was waiting for me.

Her eyes were puffy.

Crying.

"What's going on?" I asked her as I chased after her, throwing the door shut behind me.

"Sit," she said.

"Sit?"

"I know you need your morning coffee. Sorry to bother you."

"You didn't bother me. I was actually awake."

Dani turned her head. "What are you doing awake this early?"

"Your news first."

Dani nodded.

I sat on a tan couch that felt like it went down to the floor. Dani curled up in a recliner that had way too much spring to it.

She looked me in the eyes. "I don't feel good."

"What do you mean? A stomachache?"

"Actually…" Dani touched the corner of her eyes. "Fucking medical reports."

"Medical reports? For what?"

"I just felt off lately. I don't know. I went to my womanly doctor and she wanted to run some tests. I kept myself cool about it though. In my mind it was simple. If I feel something is wrong and they find something wrong, then it gets fixed. Right? That's how it goes. If I had a cold that was bad and the doctor said it was a sinus infection, then I would get medicine and feel better."

"Right," I said. "So are you saying you have a sinus infection between your legs?"

Dani laughed as a tear fell from her eye. "You're something, Beth."

"Yeah, I'm something. So what's going on?"

"I checked the report online. I searched the one term. Other things made sense."

"Such as…?"

"I told you, I don't feel good. And I'm sick."

"Dani…"

"Cancer," she said.

I quickly shut my eyes.

The word sank into me.

"What?" I asked, opening my eyes.

"Ovarian," she said.

She tightened her lips together.

I reached forward and put my coffee mug down on the table. I walked to her chair and didn't know what to do. When life got real, I got crazy.

But Dani didn't want crazy.

I hurt for her.

I turned and slowly started to sit down.

"We can't fit," Dani whispered.

"Yes we can. Shut up and move."

My hands started to shake.

It was like a rippling effect through me.

I didn't like that word. Cancer . I didn't like that Dani saw a report before the doctor called. I didn't like that she was researching things on her own.

I managed to squeeze my way onto the chair with her.

When I reached back for the blanket hanging off the back of the chair, the chair moved back a little too quick.

I screamed, thinking we were going to hit the floor.

Dani laughed.

I looked at her face.

Laughing, crying.

I felt my chin quivering.

"You're going to be fine," I whispered.

"Liar," she said back to me.

I put the blanket on us, put my right arm around her and held her.

We had been friends. Then best friends. We have been close. But never this close.

"You need to call that doctor as soon as you can," I said.

"Really? Is that what I should do?"

"Sorry. Stating the obvious is not what I should be doing right now."

"Not at all."

"Maybe stop trying to research on your own," I said.

"That's good advice."

"You don't know what's actually there."

"I know what I read."

"Forget what you read," I said. "Want to hear something juicy?"

"Please."

"Leith spent the night at my place."

Dani's head popped up. "What?"

"Nothing happened."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"It means I don't know. There wasn't a second that it wasn't going through my mind. What I wanted from him. Of him. To do to him. For him to do to me."

"Are you getting flustered?"

"When it comes to him, yes."

"I've never seen this side of you, Beth."

"Trust me, it's…"

"You're still hooked on him," Dani said. "Just seeing him one time puts you in a place that's scary."

"I don't get scared," I said. "I do whatever I want."

"Oh yeah? How did you two end up together last night?"

"I met him for a drink and he had a few too many so I drove him back to my place."

"Where did you meet?"

"Doesn't matter," I said. "Don't make me throw you off this chair. I will."

"If you have feelings for him, what's the problem?"

I shook my head.

I wasn't going to talk about him and Amy. Or that ring. Or everything that led up to me ending up with Joel and all the past – history, moments, days and years.

"Beth?"

"It's a lot," I whispered.

"What is?"

"Everything."

"That isn't as juicy as I thought it was going to be," Dani whispered.

"Yeah, well, sorry. Do you want to hear about me damn near riding him on my couch and then me going to be in the mood and sort of mad at myself for not letting him take me the way he wanted?"

"That works," Dani said.

"We hurt each other in the past," I said. "And then I ended up married. He ended up with someone else."

"Wait a second. Is he with someone now?"

"No."

"So then what's the problem?"

I wasn't going to answer that question, even though she asked it twice.

I didn't know what the problem actually was.

Leith and I could just pick up where everything left off. As though we walked away and took a breather from each other.

Even if that breather spanned years, marriage, divorce, and an almost engagement.

"I just can't answer it," I said. "You know?"

Dani didn't respond.

I looked over at her and she was out cold. Her head resting against my shoulder.

I touched her cheek and felt my heart slam with pain.

Cancer.

There was nothing I could say to help her.

So I just sat there.

And I hated the empty and sad feeling inside me.

And that gave me an idea.

I wanted to go crazy with Leith one more time.